To ask my SIL to not bring her “therapy dog” to our family BBQ?

I am surprised the dog hasn't been poisoned or got a blockage by now if it has so little self control around food (which can be taught by the way and most good owners do for safety!)

@Nextdoormat and you don’t fancy training your dog to be less of a liability?

Sounds like my dog! And I would NOT take it anywhere where there was food, no-one would get a minutes peace and it might also knock a child over as it too gets over excited. Too much to ask of others and I appreciate the break.

Dog sounds amazing! Might even take the dairy off my boy standing on table and battering the sausage platter 🤣🫣

@AshNice, I am fuming at selfish, immature, manipulative individuals like your SIL. I have been on tender-hooks all day waiting to hear if my beloved pooch has passed her foundation assistant dog exam. I delighted to say she has.

This is the exam with another two ahead of us. It has cost us thousands so far and has taken a year of training while juggling full-time demanding job, studies, a wedding and a complex physical health along with my autism.

I have challenges emotionally due to significant past trauma. However, it is individuals like your SIL who jump on a social media decide their dog is now an assistant dog. YET refuse to do the actual training needed and therefore give everyone else who is self training through the reputable organisations a bad name. It is about time the industry was regulated.

I do not take my assistant dog everywhere and only to places that she is currently welcome as a dog. Until she is fully trained with certificates to prove it.

Even at my wedding there were areas she was not allowed and went home with her trainer. You had every right to say no and she is being entitled and ignorant brat and the dog is not being treated fairly either. The behaviour needs support and the dog needs proper socialisation with humans and other dogs.

Just seen your update, sorry - that was a perfect response. If she's sulking, let her.
One of my favourite sayings is "you can't control how others react, but you can control how you react to others."
Let her get on with it, you said you are looking forward to catching up with her another time, you kept it nice, if she doesn't want to or is sulking, meh, let her.

I agree @EdithStourton so if we’re invited to a barbecue, we have to factor in how long we can leave our dog at home.

Assuming that the SIL lives less than an hour away, she can leave her dog with food and water for say three hours to attend the barbecue and he’ll be fine.

This.
Nice and breezy, tell her you're sorry she feels she can't come but you look forward to catching up with her another time.

This
Great response 👍

I think @NigelPonsonbySmallpiece solution is excellent. If she has him on a short leash the whole time and he’s an unruly as you say she might end up needing a therapy dog. A real one

DH did try the whole “can’t you just compromise?” angle last night, but I pointed out that we did try that before - and it resulted in the dog nicking a cheeseburger and sticking his head in the trifle. So no, I think I’m done compromising.

That really made me laugh.

I ended up texting her something simple like “Sorry we won’t see you this time - hope to catch up soon,” and just left it there. She’s read it but hasn’t responded, which is probably for the best. If she wants to sulk, that’s on her

FWIW I think your breezy (but not unfriendly) messsage was the right one to send, OP; when someone wants to create drama my own experience is that it's generally best to deflect it rather than offer more opportunities for unpleasantness

Personally I refuse all doggie visitors, partly because I have two cats but largely because it saves apologies later, but I do agree the "therapy dog" thing is getting out of hand when it simply means "I don't want to leave them behind"
As m y old mum used to say wanting isn't getting, and she'd do well to appreciate that

I think it is rude to assume a dog is always welcome without checking. As the OP points out n, it is not a ‘Therapy dog’ at all - just a poorly trained pet.
Doubt the DH is going to do anything proactive to offset the potential issues with the dog being there - so best it stays away and if SIL stays away too - that’s life. It’s a BBQ - a nice family get together- not a milestone family event!
OP - your event, your house, your rules !

Sometimes OP, you have to be the Bad Guy, but your DH should be backing you up. And sometimes if people take offence when you stand up for yourself, so be it.

If there's more back and forth. Tell her you have irrational fear of dogs and therefore you'll have to bring your therapy Gerbil with you to keep you calm. He will run about a bit and he sometimes bites, but only in a friendly way, and he's only small so you're sure she won't mind.

I get really pissed off with these so called therapy dogs. Nothing against actually therapy dogs- I used to work on a pediatric psych unit and we actually had a therapy dog - but she had completed guide dog training and worked until she had to be retired due to ill health. So she was trained to the max, and was an amazing animal. But these days every numpty seems to be saying a dog is a therapy dog - and they almost universally dont train their animals at all.

I thought I would be supportive of the dog being there, because you said it was a therapy dog and I've met some at schools, they are calm and well behaved. Then I read that it chases children and eats the food, so no, don't feel guilty about saying it can't come. If your SIL doesn't want to come either, that's up to her. She might rethink if she realises she can't join in anything.

It resulted in the dog......sticking his head in the trifle.

Sorry OP but the mental image 😂😂

I shouldn't laugh, it's no trifling matter.......

I can never understand people who try and bring their dogs to other peoples events! And I say that as a dog owner myself.

We have a relative who does this often without asking (not a guide/therapy or support dog in any way) so I always specify that the event is for ‘humans only.’

I have nothing against them or their dogs, but I have guests who aren’t keen and know of family arguments that have arisen around dogs and kids (being growled at/knocked over or whatever) and it’s too much aggravation and not worth it.

"Disrespecting mental health" tells me everything I need to know... Tell her you'll do another day together somewhere that's more suitable for her dog, like a park or her own home.

Well I did say it would be unpopular.

I've met someone who had a small dog and called it a "working dog". I asked in what way is it working and they said an assistance dog for their MH. I replied oh was it provided by a charity and she looked at me blankly then said no I just bought him of Pets for Homes!
Say see you soon to your SIL, lot less hassle for you all round.

Just no.

You are not all unreasonable. It would be a hard no from me.

I’m can almost guarantee the dog is not good on the lead and will pull towards the food, won’t sit still or nicely etc. I can also predict that sil will not want to be encumbered with her dog all day.

When you say ‘let it stretch its legs’, due you mean go off-lead? Op has already stated that’s a recipe for disaster. The sil could take it around the block for a walk though.

However, best option, don’t take the dog.

(From a dog owner, who understands that having a dog limits your life in certain ways).

I completely agree. If the dog can't behave or the SIL isn't willing to manage it so it can then she needs to make alternative arrangements. I don't think anyone is arguing about that. I've missed out on stuff when my dog was a pup and it wasn't appropriate to take her and we couldn't leave her long enough comfortably. Now she either gets left or taken but if she gets taken then she behaves. Something we trained from a young age.

Emotional blackmail isn't on. If the OP wants the SIL there then she needs to be firm and tell her the dog needs to be under control. If she doesn't then she can say what she likes and the SIL doesn't come, has dog looked after or leaves the dog at home.