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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask my SIL to not bring her “therapy dog” to our family BBQ?

492 replies

AshNice · 31/07/2025 11:24

SIL has recently started bringing her spaniel everywhere and now refers to it as a “therapy dog” (not officially trained or registered - just something she says helps with her anxiety apparently). For clarity - this is a bouncy, not-particularly-well-behaved spaniel, not a calm guide dog type.

We’re hosting a family BBQ on Saturday, just something small in the garden with immediate family. I told her I’d prefer she didn’t bring the dog, as we’ll have three toddlers running around (mine, my sister’s and my cousin’s) and not everyone is keen on animals around food and little ones.

She got really upset and sent a long message saying I’m “disrespecting mental health” and that I’m making her feel excluded. She says if the dog’s not welcome, then she’s not coming either, which feels a bit… much?

I feel like I should add - this dog came to a family birthday in May, jumped up on the table, and ate sausages straight off the serving platter. It also chased the kids and kept trying to nose into the nappy bin. She laughed it off at the time and said “oh he’s just excitable.”

It’s not that I hate dogs. I like dogs. But this one is a bit much and I feel like I’m being forced to host someone’s pet out of politeness when it genuinely makes things harder. It’s not a public event, it’s just our back garden and a few burgers.

DH thinks I’m being a bit rigid and should just let it go to avoid drama, but I don’t think it’s fair that I have to stress about a dog around toddlers and food just so someone else can feel comfortable.

AIBU? Or is this just what we do now - dogs come everywhere no questions asked?

OP posts:
MyLimeGuide · 01/08/2025 21:28

100% not unreasonable.

Trishthedish · 01/08/2025 21:28

This dog is not a therapy dog. Ignore her and keep to your boundaries. Excitable spaniels, food and toddlers is not a good mix.

Pinkdhalia · 01/08/2025 21:26

“Stick to your guns” outright dog can’t come. If she doesn’t like your house rules then she don’t come! Her mental health (?) isn’t your problem so she’s best not coming! Remind her the dog is unruly
and guests don’t want the distraction of guarding their food from her dog!

TitsInAbsentia · 01/08/2025 21:23

Totally yanbu. I LOVE dogs...properly adore them...but wouldn't want a twat dog visiting and am sick of people abusing the therapy and assistance dog tag...proper assistance dogs are incredibly well trained - even that ones that fail are amazing. Tell her that her therapy dog makes you need therapy!

fataroundthemiddle · 01/08/2025 21:21

AshNice · 31/07/2025 11:24

SIL has recently started bringing her spaniel everywhere and now refers to it as a “therapy dog” (not officially trained or registered - just something she says helps with her anxiety apparently). For clarity - this is a bouncy, not-particularly-well-behaved spaniel, not a calm guide dog type.

We’re hosting a family BBQ on Saturday, just something small in the garden with immediate family. I told her I’d prefer she didn’t bring the dog, as we’ll have three toddlers running around (mine, my sister’s and my cousin’s) and not everyone is keen on animals around food and little ones.

She got really upset and sent a long message saying I’m “disrespecting mental health” and that I’m making her feel excluded. She says if the dog’s not welcome, then she’s not coming either, which feels a bit… much?

I feel like I should add - this dog came to a family birthday in May, jumped up on the table, and ate sausages straight off the serving platter. It also chased the kids and kept trying to nose into the nappy bin. She laughed it off at the time and said “oh he’s just excitable.”

It’s not that I hate dogs. I like dogs. But this one is a bit much and I feel like I’m being forced to host someone’s pet out of politeness when it genuinely makes things harder. It’s not a public event, it’s just our back garden and a few burgers.

DH thinks I’m being a bit rigid and should just let it go to avoid drama, but I don’t think it’s fair that I have to stress about a dog around toddlers and food just so someone else can feel comfortable.

AIBU? Or is this just what we do now - dogs come everywhere no questions asked?

Tell her to do one...

DarkMavis79 · 01/08/2025 21:11

Buzzingabout · 01/08/2025 18:11

You need to listen to your DH. This is his sister remember? Treat her well. I take your point but say she can bring him so as to avoid drama just as he said. If it starts behaving badly like last time just grin and bear it. I take it other family members on his side will be there too. If you ban him they will think you are being bitchy and if she does not come you are going to alienate yourself from her/his family and cause an atmosphere. She sounds a nightmare. Feel it is more her you would like to ban more than the dog. In-laws are usually a nightmare and SIL’s usually jealous. It’s not every day you have to put up with her so for the sake of family diplomacy grin and bear it.

Why do you think OP needs to be a complete and utter doormat, and why do you think everyone else’s feelings are important, but hers aren’t?

Also - from everything she’s said, this dog is a liability. If she just “grins and bears it”, as you suggest, it sounds like the dog will cause carnage. When the dog inevitably steals food, what do you expect OP to do? What if the dog hurts a child?

Keyfob23 · 01/08/2025 21:10

YARBU:
response, I promise the toddlers will provide all the entertainment a therapy spaniel could! Hope you can join us, we’d really love to see you.

WorkerBee83 · 01/08/2025 21:08

I love and have dogs but I’m with you that if they aren’t trained then don’t have them around a hot bbq or young children. Stand your ground xx

Whatinthedoopla · 01/08/2025 20:59

I totally understand your side, perhaps you could say the dog can come if they are on a lead?

gotmyknickersinatwist · 01/08/2025 20:56

'Your dog might help to keep you calm, but his behaviour is causing stress/anxiety/annoyance for others. Do their feelings matter to you?'

I'm a dog lover, I have dogs, but even my own dog peeing on my carpet would piss me off.

And spaniels are mental.

SP2024 · 01/08/2025 20:54

Could she keep the dog on a lead? I’m not one for disallowing family dogs at a family gathering really, they are part of the family and I think it’s important my kids get used to dogs safely. But if you’re worried about the food and the dog is not yet trained properly a lead might allow both to happen. It’s what I did with my puppy spaniel around kids before he was trusted not to jump up or lick them.

InNewYorkNoShoes · 01/08/2025 20:32

He sounds like a sausage eating twat.

BotterMon · 01/08/2025 20:21

Such a shame she hasn't bothered to train her dog properly as I can take my Spaniel anyway and he'll lie quietly. She sounds a bit batshit actually and you're probably better off without her and her badly behaved poor dog.

Goddessoftheearth · 01/08/2025 20:20

TBH I have an ASBO spaniel (rehomed him!) and I wouldn’t want to bring him 😂

TallMam · 01/08/2025 20:14

Ughhh your SIL stresses me out and I don't even know her. Having had a horrendous experience with somebody bringing his "excitable" puppy to our home I will never ever have anybodies dog in my house again.
I will never burden anyone with mine (if I ever get one) either, well behaved or not

Arraminta · 01/08/2025 20:09

AshNice · 31/07/2025 12:48

Thanks so much everyone - genuinely appreciate the replies and the reassurance. I was starting to feel like I was being a bit heartless but it’s really helped to see that others would feel the same.

I ended up texting her something simple like “Sorry we won’t see you this time - hope to catch up soon,” and just left it there. She’s read it but hasn’t responded, which is probably for the best. If she wants to sulk, that’s on her.

For a bit more context - she only started calling the dog a “therapy dog” about 6 months ago after she saw something on TikTok, and now brings him literally everywhere. Supermarkets, hair appointments, her Pilates class (not even joking). He’s a sweet dog in theory, but he’s constantly jumping up, barking at birds, and begging for food. He once weed on my MIL’s hallway rug and she just said “oops, anxiety!” like that explained it.

I really don’t think she’s doing the dog any favours either - he clearly has zero boundaries and is completely overstimulated most of the time.

I would absolutely understand if this were a properly trained support dog or a genuine medical need - but I just can’t see how “my dog keeps me calm” automatically means he gets an invite to everything. Especially when there are going to be toddlers, open food, and a paddling pool involved.

DH did try the whole “can’t you just compromise?” angle last night, but I pointed out that we did try that before - and it resulted in the dog nicking a cheeseburger and sticking his head in the trifle. So no, I think I’m done compromising.

Anyway, thanks again - some of the replies had me howling (the sausage monster comment will live in my head forever). Much needed.

Oh so she's basically cos-playing an idealised Tik Tok lifestyle? Does she also carry a massive Stanley cup everywhere with her? Or have a grey, crushed velvet sofa?

UpDo · 01/08/2025 20:03

Trishyb10 · 01/08/2025 18:21

Why is n ne suggesting a compromise, can dog not stay in house and keep regular checks on it?

Because the last time a compromise was tried, the dog stuck their head in a trifle.

YellowGuido · 01/08/2025 19:59

Also… how is the dog helping your SIL feel less anxious when it’s running around, wreaking havoc and pissing everyone else off?? Does she take any responsibility for its actions / behaviour when she’s there, or just lets it go and be everyone else’s problem until she needs a therapeutic cuddle?

Whataloadof2020 · 01/08/2025 19:55

You could, come to a compromise and state the dog must be on lead at all times with her holding on to it.

It sounds like the dog is left to run wild, which really frustrates me, as it’s ruining a fantastic breed that when properly trained would be excellent family dog and therapy dog.

If she can’t see the problem with a dog with no training and young children running about, then she is not a responsible dog owner.

I hope you work it out.

AllyDally · 01/08/2025 19:53

Bouncy dogs and BBQs dont mix, I wouldn't have a BBQ at my house and invite my own dogs 😂

YellowGuido · 01/08/2025 19:53

You’ve extended the invite, and stated the terms of that invitation. Your SIL then has the choice as to whether to attend or not.
Why should her “needs” (🙄) trump everyone else’s right to enjoy themselves…

Studyunder · 01/08/2025 19:52

ZippyPeer · 31/07/2025 11:31

Here to vocalise my support for Zero Tolerance for Shit Dog Owners

Couldn’t put it any better 😂

Thehappygardener · 01/08/2025 19:48

Apologies if this has all been covered, but I wouldn’t dream of taking my spaniel sized dog to a party or barbecue with toddlers and food around unless he was on a short lead and VERY close to me the whole time, and he isn’t a sausage pincher!

It isn’t safe for the toddlers as barbecues, young children and dogs can be an accident waiting to happen! It’s also not safe for the average pet dog to be near a fire, unpredictable children and/or a potentially open gate or door.

Plus am not sure I’ve seen many therapy dogs not on a lead unless they are in their own home, but I could be wrong

You've made the right decision 💕

Blades2 · 01/08/2025 19:42

My 16 year old tried this with our jack Russell

id be tempted to text her back and tell her it is infact, her, who is making a mockery of mental health passing her untrained pet off as a service dog.

PrettyPickle · 01/08/2025 19:41

Hi

Assuming you are in the UK, you might want to find the right time to tell your SIL that her dog is not a therapy dog and she has no rights to take it into the establishments she does and with her dog lacking training, she is making it harder for those that genuinely need an assistance dog to get out and about.

Therapy Dogs provide comfort and emotional support to groups of people—like patients in hospitals, residents in care homes, or students in schools, they are NOT trained to perform specific tasks for one individual as she is portraying. Therapy dogs do not have public access rights under UK law—they can only visit places where they’re invited and they are typically assessed for temperament and obedience, often through charities like Pets As Therapy. That being the case if she wants a dog to help her personally to manage a mental health condition, she needs an assistance dog.

In the UK, therapy dogs do not have legal public access rights—so what she is doing can be misleading and potentially unlawful to claim a domestic pet is a therapy dog in order to gain entry into places like restaurants, gyms, or shops.

Therapy dogs are not covered under the Equality Act 2010, which protects assistance dogs trained to support individuals with disabilities.

Claiming a pet is a therapy dog to bypass access restrictions could be considered misrepresentation, especially if it causes disruption or safety concerns.

Businesses are within their rights to refuse entry to pets, including therapy dogs, unless prior permission has been granted.

I'd tell her that you are protecting your own MH, by requested that the dog is not in attendance as it makes a very stressful experience for other attendees and the safety of toddlers trumps the needs of her dog. I'd tell her that if she trains it and keeps it on a lead then you may reconsider it for distant future events.