To ask my SIL to not bring her “therapy dog” to our family BBQ?

I love dogs , I am a dog owner / have had dogs for years .
I like taking our current dog out and about with us to more dog friendly places where we can have a coffee and sit outside after a walk with him .
I don’t take him shopping or to John Lewis 🙄 even though that’s allowed .
I have taken him into a small shoe shop because we noticed they had a sale , he’s allowed in the shop , + we knew he’d sit there very quietly ( in fact staff remarked how good he was )
Never ever would I think of taking my dog to a family BBQ at someone else’s home 😂 even my calm elderly dog would beg for sausages .

This dog sounds badly behaved and needs extensive training .
A compromise could be that she takes her dog a really long walk first then comes and crates him in another room while food is being cooked and served .
the rest of the time he needs to be on a lead

You’re not being unreasonable. If her dog cannot behave then that’s on her. She either comes without the dog or doesn’t come at all.

i miss the good old days when everyone just left their dogs at home for a few hours. Now they’re taken everywhere and it’s being normalised to take dog to other people’s homes.

Don't worry about it. Your party, your rules. She obviously couldn't care less about the dogs behaviour.

Where is that? And how would you deal with visitoirs from countries which do not require that?

Exactly. Well said.

And well done, and good luck to your boy!!

This too. (Read OP’s update)

If she’s abusing the ‘therapy dog’ accessibility with a dog that badly behaved, she’s going to ruin it for those with genuine need. She just doesn’t want to have to deal with the inconvenience or the dogs behaviour if leaving him at home or outside a shop.

Absolutely CF territory!!

Well done, OP, sounds like you handled that well! Hope DH understood and respected it. He must know his sister is a pain?!

This. With a link to some dog training classes near her!!! And info on how she can access local therapy herself too.

You have the right to ask the dog not to come in this instance, it’s your house, your gathering, your rules.

Maybe drumming the point across that if she wants the dog to always be able to come, it needs to learn some manners, and how to behave, like a therapy/guide dog, or keep it under control, on lead, restricted movement, which is her job to do. Otherwise, there will be times it is not welcome.

It’s her choice to come without it or to sit this one out.

If DH is really worried, is there a compromise on her agreeing to it being restricted on its movement? You can get steaks that you anchor into the ground and they are tied up to that. Without some sort of measure in place, it should be a no. Stick to your guns.

I feel if you let this one slide completely, you’re setting yourself up for the future.

Can she be a bit of a self centred drama queen anyway? She sounds like she has that potential…

Sorry but poorly trained dog, toddlers and food is a recipe for a child getting hurt (not necessary intentionally). Chasing small children? eating food off the table? hard no, husband may be underestimating the risk of a child getting accidentally bitten or knocked over. It does seem as if SIL like many people is confused about the difference between a therapy dog and a companion (in my country, New Zealand, initial training for autism support dogs for example is 6 months, then more training with the person/family they are going to support.) A dog can be a wonderful companion but it doesn't make them a therapy dog or a service dog. And even a companion dog needs to be well trained or naturally very calm and chill to participate in a high stimulus situation like this (or left at home).

Me too!

Your sister is effectively engaging in a fantasy. She doesn't have a therapy dog. She's just pretending she does for attention. That's very odd behavior for an adult and nobody should be encouraging it.

would she still find it therapeutic if he knocked into the barbecue and knocked it over, as a guest I think she should be asking if you’re ok with her bringing her dog not assuming she can.

I’m not in UK, and here, our service/assistance dogs need to be trained, accredited and “uniformed” to be considered in the same category as guide dogs. If they are not, they are not permitted entry to any dog free spaces (which include shopping centres, cafes/restaurants, public buildings, hotels, public transport, etc).

Dogs are everywhere these days! Can't escape them! Absolutely do not blame you, OP.

Oh God. I feel for you. Some people take leave of their senses when they get a dog. I had someone in my life like that - they refused to leave their dog, ever. It was a gigantic pain in the arse. Also it's unfair on the dog, because they develop issues around separation anxiety if they are never left alone and given the opportunity to learn that their owner will return.

The person in my life was completely intractable. The only thing you can do is set a boundary and hold it. Don't give in to her emotional blackmail of her threatening not to come. Let her stay at home. Don't explain yourself or make a fuss, just say you're sorry to hear that and reiterate that she is welcome without the dog. Later, she'll hear fun stories about the party and be sorry that she missed it all because of her dog. She'll know you mean it in the future when you say no dogs, and I bet you won't have the issue again if you hold the line this time. And remember, don't explain, beyond that you don't want a dog there.

If she does do it again, effectively putting her need to take her dog everywhere above time with her family, then she's crazy and you will have to see her less, only at times you're OK with including the dog. And chalk it up to families be crazy.

But if she keeps missing family events because of the dog, I expect she'll come under pressure from other members not to be so inflexible about the dog.

Really, all you need to do is set the boundary and hold to it. And don't give long explanations beyond you not wanting the dog there, or get into long back and forths!

I see you’ve gone with the ‘such a shame, see you next time’ route, which is what I would naturally want to do. However, a cleverer approach, so as not to be the bad guy, might have been to hand the problem over to DH seeing as he’s so damn keen to avoid drama.

Let me guess. He was planning on standing there burning a bit of meat while you do all the hard work which will in these circs involve all the hell which will break loose with this dog. So it’s role reversal time.

Or you could insist that the dog is kept on a lead and that it’s part of DH’s job to ensure that happens.

Caveat: this is if it’s his sister, or his brother’s wife.

If your husband pushes uou to compromise then make him responsible for the dog any messes any stresses his problems to deal with

He will agree with you in future nothing focuses the mind more than inconvenience

Can I suggest that you read all of the OP's posts before making unhelpful comments like this.

The dog steals the food
It sticks its nose into the trifle
It chases the toddlers
It pees on the carpets.

Are you OK if someone brings a dog who does that to your house? Or are you the sister?

She has.

Say sorry you wont see her, end of. Leave it at that. She sounds a nightmare.

YANBU I don't allow dogs in my home since I invited MIL for dinner and she brought SIL's Jack Russel who jumps on everyone and everything.

I wasn't happy because I'm a childminder and she arrived a bit earlier that expected and just before a parent was due to collect her baby.

While we were having dinner the dog went into my sitting room and shit on my dark brown rug which we didn't see until after MIL went home and DH stepped in it and walked it round the room. SIL thought it was funny but I had to buy a new rug so the dog is barred.

She sounds rather high drama. How about:

“Sorry, it’s not possible to have Betsy after the incident with the sausages last time.”

All pet dogs are therapy dogs to some extent, because they show us affection and give purpose and meaning to life, and you basically can’t overestimate how much people love them and how some people take it personally when their dogs are not welcome. AND you can’t have an untrained dog running round with small kids.

One of our close friends was in a relationship with a very ...... oh well......lady. Once he asked (!) if he could come to dinner because he loved my cuisine so much and had missed it terribly since he was with said lady and please could he bring her along. The lady had a little dog of a brand I can't remember but it hardly looked like a dog and certainly didn't act like a healthy normal dog. And that dog supposedly could not be left home alone. So to make our friend happy I agreed on receiving both of them ánd the dog on condition the dog stayed on the floor and not on the couches/chairs (it always peed everywhere, excitement of course), the dog was not to be fed directly from the table/from my plates with my cutlery, the dog was not to "go" on a piece of cardboard/newspaper in my kitchen but outside in the garden ánd they had to pick up after said dog. As for the lady : she was forbidden to smoke in the house, yes even under the extractor hood, and she was also forbidden to go upstairs to take a nap on my bed. They never came. (They also have broken up but that has nothing to do with me. Honestly.)

How would that work going up for food, interacting with other guests, going to the loo, sitting at the table eating? The OP has stated the dog jumps. It would still be unruly and chaotic. The dog isn't suited for such settings as it is not trained and the DSiL is a CF. Bad combo.

She sounds like a crap dog owner, enjoy your stress free BBQ 🙂