To ask my SIL to not bring her “therapy dog” to our family BBQ?

This sounds very familiar with my SIL....

Dog lover here. I absolutely agree with not having an unruly dog at a barbecue. When i had dogs myself, other people's dogs were never welcome in my house and garden because my own dogs would not have liked it. BUT just to point out that in the UK, there is no official training or registration for therapy dogs....not even guide dogs or hearing dogs....the major charities who supply them are generally recognised and have cornered the market so to speak but anyone can call their dog a guide dog, hearing dog or therapy dog.

I am a huge dog lover and would genuinely love friends and family to bring their dogs round when they visit. But it’s totally not acceptable for a dog to jump up on the table, eat food off plates or be uncontrollable around small children. Someone is being massively unreasonable … but it’s not you!

She’s being a dick. I have quite severe anxiety so am the last person to dismiss it, but it doesn’t give you carte blanche to ignore other people or cause them stress (like having to keep a misbehaving dog off the food and away from the toddlers). A dog chasing toddlers? Completely unacceptable.

I’d be willing to compromise if she agreed to it being kept on a short lead, but she sounds like the kind of owner who would complain that that was against the dog’s rights or some other bullshit.

she cant be arsed to find someone to look after the dog/let it out for wee etc whilst she is out at the BBQ and doesnt want the hassle of going back home to sort it herself.

I hate badly trained dogs and wouldn't want him in my garden if there was food around, either.

Just say, "Oh OK, see you another time" - I bet she will turn up without him.

@PhilippaGeorgiou this is very interesting, I did not know this.

What in your opinion is the difference between a trained service dog and an untrained therapy dog?

Is it quite subjective? If no official type of training, is there a way of describing a particular type of training? Maybe specialist training for the purpose? I’m just wondering what you would say to the OP’s SIL, as she might say she thinks her dog is trained.

I've got an excitable dog myself, he's lovely, but i wouldn't take him to a bbq with small children. I'd want to relax and have a nice time myself without having to monitor the dog.

Spaniels and food. Enough said! 😄

And me. Sick and tired of dogs and doggy people running roughshod over everyone else's enjoyment.

If you want to throw in a grenade reply "i don't have an issue with mental health problems. I do have an issue with untrained dogs being passed off as therapy dogs. After the poor behaviour at the last BBQ, it would be way too stressful for me to keep an eye on the food, my toddler and your dog. So it's best if your dog stays home. If that means you feel you can't come, I'm sorry, that's not my intention and it will be a shame not to see you."

It’s difficult if DH wants to allow the dog, it’s his home too. Could you offer a compromise? She brings the dog but it stays on a short lead in the garden so it can’t chase the children and is tied up away from where the main food is served? She can hook the dogs lead around the chair leg of the chair she’s sitting in so as a therapy dog, it’s close to her. If this isn’t ok then you understand she won’t make it this time, and you’ll arrange to see her another time.

What a tit.
People like her are the reason us dog owners get a bad name (I have a nutty dog and part of his behaviour management is keeping him away from situations where he might cause disruption and upset others). People like her are also the reason why genuine mental health issues are often ignored and met with rolling eyes.
”Sorry you can’t make it, hope to see you soon 👋” is enough.

"She got really upset and sent a long message saying I’m “disrespecting mental health” and that I’m making her feel excluded."
I'd probably respond that it's a pity she feels that way but as she has not yet trained her dog, the dog is simply not safe at a BBQ, and you hope she will reconsider coming.

And leave it there, no offer of compromise, no pleading for her to come.

I agree you need to tread carefully if it's DH's sister, no point creating potential family rifts.

I would say to her that "you are willing to compromise, and the dog can come, but he has to stay on a lead under her control. You are trying to manage the needs of your children too. Hope this is a good compromise for you too, as we are looking forward to seeing you on Saturday"

I addition, I would be saying to DH that it's his sister (assuming it is) and he needs to keep on top of this on the day and ensure that this goes well, otherwise it WILL be the one and only time you offer to compromise.

As someone who has a service dog I am insensed by untrained "therapy dogs" which damage those of us who have real service animals.

That said, you commented that the dog is "not officially trained or registered" There is no register, and nor is there any prescribed "official training". Seeing dogs, but only those trained by RNIB, are registered with RNIB; and there are a small number of charities /organisations that train or support self-training. But the demand is huge and all of them together cannot meet this demand. I point this out because people and businesses are often entirely misinformed on this matter, and it does get wearing at times that I have to bookmark the law on my phone when told my dog can only go somewhere if he is on a register that doesn't exist! Most recently I was told by the proprieter of a restaurant that I couldn't come in with my service dog in case their other customers didn't like it. He did back down when I showed him the law, said if they didn't like it they could leave, and made it clear that I would report them if they refused to allow us to come in. Oddly, not a single customer had a problem, and several showed an active interest in his job.

But beyond that I am with you - she leaves the untrained dog at home.

I'd reply that she is disrespecting your mental health by expecting you to run around checking toddlers are safe and the human food isn't being eaten (again), whilst you're hosting a bbq, which is going to make it much more stressful for you. Maybe compromise and say the dog is welcome if it stays on a lead with her at all times.

I'd also tell my husband that giving into ridiculous demands just to keep the peace, just encourages more outrageous behaviour

Ah well, tough luck.
She will be missed. 😅

I'm with you, OP. It irritates me no end that people these days can't seem to go anywhere without their dogs, including into clothing stores, formal dining areas and other places they shouldn't be.

The 'mental health' excuse is risible. If she can't manage without her prop for a few hours, I'd be taking her refusal as a gift. Then again I have little patience with namby-pambyism (there's a difference, before people jump on the ableist wagon. I do know what poor mental health feels like, and also that I have a responsibility to manage it without making it everyone else's problem).

YANBU.

In the interests of avoiding a mega falling out I would suggest a compromise, dog on lead and something long and chewy to keep him distracted like a Himalayan yak chew, they keep my guys busy for hours and are available in Tesco or B&M.

A colleagues dog stole a sweetcorn once. Sadly the inner part got stuck in their colon. Dog had surgery. Never right after that and died shortly after.

So I dont like dogs round food much either. I still let the family with dogs come but it really annoys me that if I drop a piece of food and a dog snaffles it I am then responsible for either trying to wrestle it off it or potentially causing illness of said dog.

And it happens often. Last week was stolen grapes.

It's not a therapy dog, it's a badly behaved pet with a CF owner.
Make your DH is responsible for managing the situation if he wants her to come.

I couldn't be arsed with that either. Disgusting it's jumping on tables and going through a bin. Yuk.

She says if the dog’s not welcome, then she’s not coming either, which feels a bit… much?

I would just be grateful she’s not coming. Text back. ‘You are welcome but dogs are not invited. Thanks for me letting me know you won’t be able to make it. Hope to see you soon.’

Would she agree to keeping it on a lead? If not, then at least you've offered a compromise.

Fwiw, my autistic dd would find it hugely anxiety-inducing to have a dog running around uncontrolled. Not much 'therapy' for her in dogs, unfortunately. She hates the way they smell, hates being licked, finds them way too unpredictable and bouncy. She was also bitten by one whe she was just 3, which has stayed with her.