To ask my SIL to not bring her “therapy dog” to our family BBQ?

She got really upset and sent a long message saying I’m “disrespecting mental health” and that I’m making her feel excluded. She says if the dog’s not welcome, then she’s not coming either, which feels a bit… much?

I am sick and tired of this selfish, entitled, me, me me attitude that seems prevalent at the moment - what about other people and their mental health, right to enjoyment of an event?

Don't argue or try to justify your stance @AshNice Just say clearly as in the first post on here that SIL is welcome, dog is not and if she chooses not to come that's fine you'll see her another time. Do not give in to either her or your dh's attempts at emotional blackmail.

How serious are her mental health issues?

Although the dog sounds infuriating and I completely get how stressful it will be for you, I think I'd base my response on the above.

Oh the dog thing is ridiculous.
A family member of mine has to bring their dog to everything, it becomes the focus because it's constantly running between people, looking for food, wanting to be involved. Last year, at a family birthday meal, we asked to put it in the garden whilst we ate and you'd think we'd asked for it to be shut in a hot car. The poor thing would be sad, it's not fair for him to sit outside whilst we eat, etc. In the end my SIL took her food outside to sit with the dog.

I don't tote my cats along everywhere, expecting adaptations to be made for them, and everyone to fit around them.

No, don't agree to the dog at the barbecue. It sets a precedent and the dog will have to come to every family occasion.

I don’t know, I do kind of think a family BBQ in the garden should theoretically be a place where dogs are welcome if they’re welcome anywhere. It’s not crazy of her to think she could bring her dog to this. And can be hard to leave them for long. So I do get why your DH thinks you’re being too rigid over this.

But totally get the stress if it’s poorly trained and poorly behaved especially with young kids around. And she does sound rather overdramatic about it all for sure (and I hate when people refer to their pets as “therapy animals”, it’s not actually a thing in the U.K., people just say it because they want to bring their dog everywhere).

I’d offer the compromise of the dog can come but she must keep it on a short leash at all times and be responsible for its behaviour, or it can be shut up in the kitchen/garage/enclosed yard/whatever separate from the BBQ space. If she won’t allow that and can’t see the issue then I think it’s very reasonable to say “ok then you are most welcome but not the dog this time sorry” and if she chooses not to come it’s her own lookout.

I would say - you’re very much welcome to come and I don’t want you to feel excluded. It’s just that last time the dog was quite disruptive (give specific example re eating human food). It’s important to me that you still come, as a compromise can we keep the dog on a lead, and also away from the food.

Or similar.
I think this firmly places the responsibility on her to manage her therapy dog & mental health & anything else she needs to manage.

This. We are a totally dog free house. Our sons both have dogs. Sons are very welcome , dogs absolutely not. One has crate trained his dog and it goes in there when they are out , the other dog can be happily left for the 3 hours or so the humans would be here for a family do. They both have cameras so can check on their dogs regularly. Eldest son has no children yet so their dog is their baybeeeee at the moment. He wasn't happy about no dogs but then had other sons dog at his house for an hour of 'socialisation' when their dog was a puppy. Other son's dog is a barker. He had warned his neighbours it might be loud for a bit.It was horrendous. The experience hasn't been repeated and he phoned me afterwards to apologise. We have always been fair. If we have his dog we'd have had to have the other dog. Not a chance. He understands why now. Set boundaries and stick to them. Dogs around food is foul.

This. Problem solved.

Just uninvite her

So last time this 'therapy' dog visited you it stuck its nose into a nappy bin and jumped on the table and stuck it's nose into the sausages, how delightful!

The dog is untrained, it's not a therapy dog, it's her out of control pet dog and there's absolutely no way she should be inflicting this on dog's behaviour on anyone.

She very well might gain comfort from having him nearby when she goes out and about and if that's the case she needs to get him trained so he'll know how to behave.

Until that happens she either has to leave him at home, and stay at home with him, or keep him on a very short lead when he's around other people and/or food.

I have anxiety around dogs, I'm afraid of them but also I don't like them coming into physical contact with me. I think it's to do with my autism and it's kind of an OCD thing where I just find dogs unhygienic. I'm sure I'm not alone. Your SIL is being incredibly selfish.

Explain how you’ve told us. There are no other dogs there and the dog’s behaviour makes a bbq challenging especially wifh young children. All true and logical.

She got really upset and sent a long message saying I’m “disrespecting mental health”

She is the one disrespecting mental health. Let her say how with her pet if it’s that important to her.

First post nails it

Agree with this too.

Indeed. That old RSPCA advert "A dog isn't just for Christmas" could have been reworked as "A dog isn't just for lockdown" - sadly that ship has sailed so we now have a lot of untrained, unsocialised dogs with owners who are still clueless about how to train and handle them, plus over-flowing rescue centres where many people just got rid of them when they had to return to the office as they couldn't cope with what their dogs got up to when left alone at home all day. 🙄

Agree with this and similar comments.
I doubt a properly trained therapy dog would behave like this.
If wanted, you could arrange to meet up with her another time?

This.

One of my SILs announced she was coming over to stay with us, and was bringing her untrained, reactive, Romanian rescue dog. We have a house full of cats and a garden full of chooks. Nopity nope SIL.

I love dogs but it's up to you, it's your house, and you're entitled to ask her not to bring the dog and she should respect that. I would fully understand if someone asked me not to bring my naughty terrier along 🤣🤣

How utterly ridiculous.
If she can't come without the dog then she's not coming then. Tell her it's not an assistance or guide dog, just a regular pet she's attached to.

Some people there are allergic so she'll just have to miss out this time then. Then keep saying someone is allergic each time she wants to bring it again inappropriately.

« Ah that’s a shame. Hope to see you soon! »

Thing is the dog isn't SILs prescribed therapy dog

Its a dog which she loves having around her

There's a massive difference

I think you have a DH problem. If he doesn't have the balls to take your side....well....🤷

I'm with you OP. I won't let anyone bring a dog to my house (or even into my garden!) and fortunately friends and family respect that.

That said, non have them have used the therapy dog excuse - yet!

Stand your ground, you're in the right here.

No dog doesn't come. If SIL decides not to ;come without the dog that's her choice. SIL would be 100% FINE at the BBQ without the dog. How do I know? Because I know MANY pets, actual pets, who are better trained than SILs "therapy dog". If someone actually needed a therapy dog with them at events like this, the first thing they'd do is train it to at least well trained pet level. If she doesn't think it's worth spending time/energy/money doing that, then she KNOWS it's just a pet and she doesn't EVER NEED it with her.

This.

Some dog owners are so entitled and can’t understand why others may not want to be in the company of their dog. I’m sorry, but not everyone likes dogs, some people have bad experiences with them and you should absolutely not have to make excuses or apologise not wanting a manic dog at a family BBQ with kids around.

"Sorry to hear. Unfortunately the dog isn't welcome this time. Another time maybe if that means you can't make it!"