To ask my SIL to not bring her “therapy dog” to our family BBQ?

I wouldn't be offering compromise options, because they rely on the other person being reasonable.

You don't want to be put in a position where you need to have words with a guest, or throw them out.

Your DH can deal with this, either explain it’s not appropriate to bring the dog or he can stop the dog chasing DCs, stop it taking food and stop it jumping.

His family, his responsible.

Sounds like your husband just wants an easy life and giving in to his sister seems the easiest option to him.

Of course he should have your back on this.

I love dogs too but I've found since having a child there's alot of people who have way more patience for untrained dogs than children being children.

My brothers favourite phrase is "your choice" or he acts like its a pain and I'm being a diva if I decline meeting him at a restaurant at 6pm with my toddler as that's bath time and he won't want to sit for two hours over a meal anyway, yet when he complains he never has a holiday abroad because he has dogs to love and care for he cant see that's a choice too 😆

Could you compromise and say she can bring him if she keeps him on a lead and under control?

Not the dog’s fault - its the owner can’t control her dog jumping on the table etc - training is the key - She will have to pay the price of not training the dog - the dog should be able to sit and socialise without running amok getting into nappy bins - jumping on the table, chasing your kids around etc -

"We are happy to host guests with well behaved dogs who don't try and steal the food or chase the children, which your badly behaved dog did last time and spoiled our barbecue. If you can't control your dog then please keep it on a lead. Your "mental health" needs don't trump the safety of our children or the enjoyment of our guests who don't want to fight off a badly behaved dog to enjoy their food"

Ask your DH whether his sister or the toddlers are more important.

Cheeky mare. And I’d have no time for DH being a wet blanket. He’d rather upset you than her, he needs to have a think about why that is.

“Okay SIL, catch up another time” and don’t engage further.

Her dog sends your ‘anxiety level’ through the roof on these occasions.
Your Mental Health matters too.

How can a crazy bouncy untrained thieving spaniel be a therapy dog? She's made that one up for sure.

'Oh I'm sorry you won't be here, you'll be missed. However, I know you don't expect us to prioritise your lovely dog over the children. See you soon.

Passive aggressive? Yep. 🤣

I love dogs and have two of them, but I can't abide poorly trained animals, particularly around children.

Because its not a trained service animal then I agree with you, and you've not made the boundaries, she has. She is unable to go anywhere without her dog and therefore she has made some places no go's for herself (though those will be very few and far between as we live in a very accepting time for dogs in places).

Makes me think of my brother and his fur babies, when my baby was crawling and he hadn't met him yet we asked if the huge (lovely) retriever and the very bouncy (lovely) spaniel could be in the kitchen at first (which was where they spend alot of time anyway as the TV is in there and a sofa), and if we could just have the front room (a sort of front room used for best situation so dogs rarely in there) for my baby to crawl about in and meet his uncle etc etc. You'd think I'd have asked him to euthanise the dogs! Apparently it's not fair on them, to be left out of a 30 minute family event like that. So I ended up holding a squirming baby grumpy as he wanted to crawl while stopping a jumping spaniels claws scratch him and a lolling retriever tongue licking him constantly, was mayhem and chaos and uncle barely interacted with nephew.

Your sister is delulu

YANBU

What is it with entitled idiots these days?

Did you have a similar post to this recently? Because if not it’s definitely come up before! As someone with a crazy spaniel I can’t think of anything worse than having one at a barbecue!! I don’t think I’d be as ready to jump on her as some are on this thread, no need for a rift over it

Out of interest, is she a Millennial?

Yanbu.
i would just text back “no worries see you next time, maybe when the dog has been trained a bit better.”

YANBU. I really like dogs, and you can never, ever blame a dog for its behaviour; it's always the owner.

I'd respond, as others have suggested, 'Sorry we won't see you then. x' Then she knows what your position is and the ball is in her court if she wants to change her mind.

This

Yanbu, I hate this cult of brining your dog everywhere. They do not belong everywhere. I can never ever remember anyone doing this when I was growing up and we had dogs too!
the dog stayed home. End of.

If you let the untrained, badly behaved mutt come again after last time’s fiasco, she’ll expect to bring it along to every single family gathering ever. Tell her you’re sorry she can’t come, but you need to prioritise the safety of the toddlers/ children.

Exactly this. She's hoping you'll either give in, or get into a big back and forth.

Options are you tell her dog not welcome or you say dog can come but must remain on short lead held by her at all times. I think that’s more than fair to her.

I have no first hand knowledge or experience of this save for having worked closely alongside friends / co workers who had, respectively, a guide dog and a hearing dog.

In both cases they had a high degree of training in their purpose / job, as I am sure that epilepsy detector dogs etc also do.

But because they need to be alongside their human at all times they also have to be trained to be comfortable and appropriate in any given situation. Sit quietly out of the way, not bark, not wee, never help themselves to food, not approach people.

So I would imagine that a proper therapy dog would need to be happy to sit still and be cuddled, or whatever, but also to be trained in behaviour acceptable in environments where dogs are not normally allowed or cannot be trusted.

In the absence of any regulation or registration the owner surely has to take responsibility for this.

Which SIL clearly is not.