To ask my SIL to not bring her “therapy dog” to our family BBQ?

Have you ever met a dog that hasn't tried to steal a sausage given the chance? It's her BBQ, her choice, but sounds bit other the top (OP and SIL) to me.

Why, because she doesn’t want a badly-trained, excitable dog jumping around knocking food everywhere?

It’s not a service dog. Her mental health doesn’t trump everyone else having a nice day.

That, or her husband is more relaxed about it... why do we always have to make out the men are always at fault on this site. Some people would have no issue with dog being there, other will, not sure it's that big a deal.

How fortuitous that she has a therapy dog to help her deal with the stress of not being able to take her therapy dog to events where dogs are not welcome 😄

Assuming the behaviour at the last event wasn't a massive exaggeration, you must have had a conversation at that time or afterwards with your husband? Normally the subject would have come up with other family members too. What was said at the time? Surely everyone will know that your reservations about the dog are entirely informed by that occasion and they'll all help out to keep the dog away from the food and the children.

Sounds like she has gone way over the top with her reaction, but that's what most dogs are like, every sausage is fair game, I wouldn't have an issue myself with the dog being at BBQ.

It's OPs house too and she is entitled to set boundaries that suit her and the majority of guests. The husband sounds like a bit of a wimp and would rather put up with the doggy disruption than speak candidly to his barking sister.

Let her know that if the dog were well trained it would be welcome. Cannot bear people who make fools of dogs and allow them to do exactly what they want to. Same applies to children!

Yeah, she wants everything to revolve around her and her pet, but unfortunately she’s not bothered to train the dog well enough for other people to want it coming along to everything. Her dog is a plain old pet, not a therapy dog.

Virtually everyone who chooses to have a dog does so because they find them comforting to have around - that’s totally different to having it trained to the level of a therapy dog which would be expected to be of a particularly calm temperament, as well as behave itself around people, kids, food etc.

Tell her you’re sorry she doesn’t feel able to attend without her dog and that’s she’s welcome to come without it, or once it’s been trained fully.

YANBU your SIL needs to be less self absorbed.

We’re hosting a barbecue for family and friends in a couple of weeks. We have a well trained dog but she won’t be there because it’s just too stressful for both us and her. She’s going to spend the day with her favourite dog sitter and we’ll all have a better time as a result.

This dog has form for adding chaos.

And hosting is supposed to be a pleasure, not a chore. Why does a selfish desire to bring the dog trump OP’s wish to enjoy her event without the stress this animal causes?

She is a welcoming host - she is thinking about making sure that the people she has invited have a nice time and she doesn’t have to worry about children getting knocked into hot bbqs or being bitten. People have no right or need to bring a dog to social events unless it is an actual proper service dog for the blind or deaf. “Therapy dog” my arse.

Did you even read the OP's posts? The dog stole food, kept jumping up and chased the toddlers.

Yes, three toddlers won't be relaxing, but adding an uncontrollable dog into the mix is not on.

Sounds like she’s using the dog to form part of her identity and using it as a shield. She might feel she can keep anxiety at bay if nobody’s looking at her too closely/ she can put the dog between other people and herself. Id have done the same thing as you, but if lots of people do she’s going to find herself in a real pickle: dog, or the world. Ultimately, she’s using the dog to not face her issues.

A friend's very high maintenance dachsund ate an unused balloon one our dc dropped on the floor at our house. Several hundred pounds to have the stupid bloody animal's stomach pumped, and my poor dd still feels guilty about it! It has massive issues with food and so going near it when it's got something in its mouth is not an option if you want to avoid serious injury.

I don’t think a dog will add chaos. If you have three toddlers, it will not be a particularly quiet sit-down anyway, will it?
She doesn’t sound like a very responsible dog owner but you don’t sound like a welcoming host either.

Real assistance dogs almost always wear leads in public. I’m sure there is an exception somewhere in the world of a pair that needs to work differently, but it won’t be just an ESA.

YANBU ….
Official assistance dogs are highly trained . Even young ones
She needs to get it some training or expect more refusals !!!
I’m a dog lover and Ive had a dog in the past - have to accept not everyone likes them / wants them in their house .

I have refused my parents’ dog in the past too - he’s a barker and kids had exams!!

Thing with disabilities (hidden or otherwise ) - their comfort / enjoyment should not be at the expense of others . In your case it would be

There is no compromising with these sorts of insufferable dog owners. Their version of a compromise is they get to bring the dog and we all have to tolerate it. We fell out with BIL and his gf because we have said their dog will not ever be welcome at our house and we won’t be going to PILs at the same time
as them if they bring their dog because both of us suffer from allergies (we also hate dogs generally and find them irritating, overstimulating and gross) but the allergy is the argument we put forward because it is true and you would think it can’t be argued with….

Apparently not! You would have thought I had slapped her sister round the face or something. ILs took our side and forbade it at their house if we are coming but the relationship hasn’t really recovered.

I think I'd have replied with "Sorry, my mental health can't cope with supervising the dog around three tiny children while hosting. I know DDog means well but the kids' safety comes first and there's too much potential for things to go wrong."

My house, my rules. I don’t like dogs, wouldn’t want one in my house, and I don't have to apologise for that. She doesn’t want to come without the dog? That’s her choice. Not your problem.

He’s just her naughty pet dog who needs some training. Therapy dog my arse. Just tell her fine, sorry she can’t make it.

I can't see that happening. It didn't last time.

“What a shame, hope to catch you with you soon.”

I’d be relieved that she’s solved the problem for me. 😆

DH takes responsibility for the BBQ - managing the kids, dog and SIL. You pour a glass of wine and relax.