Page 10 | To ask my SIL to not bring her “therapy dog” to our family BBQ?

AshNice · 2025-07-31T10:24:22+00:00

SIL has recently started bringing her spaniel everywhere and now refers to it as a “therapy dog” (not officially trained or registered - just something she says helps with her anxiety apparently). For clarity - this is a bouncy, not-particularly-well-behaved spaniel, not a calm guide dog type. We’re hosting a family BBQ on Saturday, just something small in the garden with immediate family. I told her I’d prefer she didn’t bring the dog, as we’ll have three toddlers running around (mine, my sister’s and my cousin’s) and not everyone is keen on animals around food and little ones. She got really upset and sent a long message saying I’m “disrespecting mental health” and that I’m making her feel excluded. She says if the dog’s not welcome, then she’s not coming either, which feels a bit… much? I feel like I should add - this dog came to a family birthday in May, jumped up on the table, and ate sausages straight off the serving platter. It also chased the kids and kept trying to nose into the nappy bin. She laughed it off at the time and said “oh he’s just excitable.” It’s not that I hate dogs. I like dogs. But this one is a bit much and I feel like I’m being forced to host someone’s pet out of politeness when it genuinely makes things harder. It’s not a public event, it’s just our back garden and a few burgers. DH thinks I’m being a bit rigid and should just let it go to avoid drama, but I don’t think it’s fair that I have to stress about a dog around toddlers and food just so someone else can feel comfortable. AIBU? Or is this just what we do now - dogs come everywhere no questions asked?

BlueandPinkSwan · 31/07/2025 17:41

ZippyPeer · 31/07/2025 11:31

Here to vocalise my support for Zero Tolerance for Shit Dog Owners

!00%

ginasevern · 31/07/2025 17:39

Unpopular on this site I know, but I can't help but chuckle at the dog eating all the sausages.

BananaCaramel · 31/07/2025 17:37

CruCru · 31/07/2025 17:26

This is rather the way I think. That a dog shouldn’t be left for longer than a few hours is a problem - but it is the SIL’s problem, not the OP’s.

In the same way, if a dog can’t behave nicely in a cafe or restaurant then it needs to stay at home. Even if it means the owner can’t go out to a cafe or restaurant because the dog also can’t be left. It isn’t the responsibility of the other people in the cafe to tolerate an untrained dog so that the owner doesn’t miss out on an experience.

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Yes exactly! You got a dog, if you don’t want to leave that dog then that might mean you have to miss out on things. That’s your choice and you don’t get to inflict the animal upon other people just to facilitate your attendance. It’s not something that needs to be accommodated by anyone else

blubberyboo · 31/07/2025 17:31

Reply to her text that to have the dog at the event would disrespect your own mental health as you are not in a good place with stress right now and having a poorly controlled dog around food and toddlers would exacerbate this to the extent that you couldnt host the event..

She isnt the only person with mental health

prelovedusername · 31/07/2025 17:26

I would be much more gushing in my reply so I didn’t look as though I was alienating my DH’s family. “Oh, please don’t say that, we were so looking forward to seeing you! But of course your mental health is important so if you need to stay home with your pet, totally understand!”

CruCru · 31/07/2025 17:26

BananaCaramel · 31/07/2025 17:20

That’s the thing I guess - I don’t really care if yours or anyone else’s dog “panics” at home. It’s a pet. It’s not a person. It has absolutely no need to be brought anywhere. Your dog, your problem. And in the OP’s case, SILs dog, SILs problem - just because it is a pita doesn’t mean she gets to inflict it upon anyone else

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This is rather the way I think. That a dog shouldn’t be left for longer than a few hours is a problem - but it is the SIL’s problem, not the OP’s.

In the same way, if a dog can’t behave nicely in a cafe or restaurant then it needs to stay at home. Even if it means the owner can’t go out to a cafe or restaurant because the dog also can’t be left. It isn’t the responsibility of the other people in the cafe to tolerate an untrained dog so that the owner doesn’t miss out on an experience.

Newpeep · 31/07/2025 17:22

BananaCaramel · 31/07/2025 17:20

That’s the thing I guess - I don’t really care if yours or anyone else’s dog “panics” at home. It’s a pet. It’s not a person. It has absolutely no need to be brought anywhere. Your dog, your problem. And in the OP’s case, SILs dog, SILs problem - just because it is a pita doesn’t mean she gets to inflict it upon anyone else

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Oh you would care if it were your neighbour believe me.

Wessexfuntime · 31/07/2025 17:21

Your SIL needs to train her dog properly and not allow it to steal food, or chase kids/adults. YANBU, to ask SIL not to bring the dog, so if she can't accept your request not to bring the dog with her then she can decide not to go, but playing the MH card is out of order and she shouldn't guilt you into letting the dog go with her. If it was a proper 'assistance dog' which has done training to be one, then it wouldn't go chasing children or jumping up stealing food. My friend has an assistance dog and it is one of the best trained dogs I have come across.
As an owner of two dogs myself, I wouldn't have her dog anywhere near my party.
I hope you can have a fun time without a loony spaniel stressing you out.

Newpeep · 31/07/2025 17:21

EdithStourton · 31/07/2025 17:17

You can't just leave a dog alone all day, then overnight, then all day again, even with someone popping in every 6-12 hours. They're not cats, they're highly social animals. They're not hamsters or rabbits.

The longest I could imagine leaving ours without anyone would be about 8 hours in a really serious emergency. The longest we'd leave them otherwise is about 5 and half hours - and that's exceptional (other, obviously, than when we're asleep upstairs, and they're sleeping downstairs).

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I think the poster is confusing dogs with cats 😂My cat didn't give a toss. Neighbour popped in to give him some more wet food the next day (he eats a special diet) and I doubt he noticed we were gone.

The behavioural fallout for a dog, even a well adjusted one, being left for longer than they can cope with can be catastrophic. It's just the way it is and what you sign up for.

BananaCaramel · 31/07/2025 17:20

Newpeep · 31/07/2025 17:10

Generally they would panic, and you may have to spend months undoing it. I know as I work in behaviour and training and have seen the aftermath of 'emergencies' (which this was not - we were all invited and didn't feel anything other than very welcome).

I can tell you have never had a dog or know nothing about how they think or behave if you think being left for nearly two days with a quick pop in would be enough for the vast majority of dogs!

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That’s the thing I guess - I don’t really care if yours or anyone else’s dog “panics” at home. It’s a pet. It’s not a person. It has absolutely no need to be brought anywhere. Your dog, your problem. And in the OP’s case, SILs dog, SILs problem - just because it is a pita doesn’t mean she gets to inflict it upon anyone else

EdithStourton · 31/07/2025 17:17

BananaCaramel · 31/07/2025 17:03

@Newpeep Out of interest what do you and other people obsessed with their dogs think will happen to them if they are left on their own for longer than usual with a bowl of food and sufficient water? A neighbour or friend could have let it out for a wee. It’s not appropriate, a dog does not “have” to go anywhere - it’s a dog.

You can't just leave a dog alone all day, then overnight, then all day again, even with someone popping in every 6-12 hours. They're not cats, they're highly social animals. They're not hamsters or rabbits.

The longest I could imagine leaving ours without anyone would be about 8 hours in a really serious emergency. The longest we'd leave them otherwise is about 5 and half hours - and that's exceptional (other, obviously, than when we're asleep upstairs, and they're sleeping downstairs).

TaupeLemur · 31/07/2025 17:16

If she wants the dog considered to be a therapy dog then she needs to train it to behave like one.
Tell her that dog cannot come.

TonTonMacoute · 31/07/2025 17:13

FrostiesAreCornflakesForPeopleWhoCantFaceReality · 31/07/2025 11:27

I’m with you on this, 3 toddlers, bbq, food laid out, badly behaved, untrained dog… nah. As above I’d say to her “ok, see you another time then.”

Totally agree.

I knew someone who used to train therapy dogs, I think as hearing dogs, but maybe other things as well.

They were trained to behave impeccably and everyone made a big fuss of them.

Helpmeplease2025 · 31/07/2025 17:12

Pancakeorcrepe · 31/07/2025 17:08

Exactly, it is quite clear that OP doesn’t like her SIL.

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Why would you like someone who causes a fuss and uses emotional blackmail like this?

Newpeep · 31/07/2025 17:10

BananaCaramel · 31/07/2025 17:03

@Newpeep Out of interest what do you and other people obsessed with their dogs think will happen to them if they are left on their own for longer than usual with a bowl of food and sufficient water? A neighbour or friend could have let it out for a wee. It’s not appropriate, a dog does not “have” to go anywhere - it’s a dog.

Generally they would panic, and you may have to spend months undoing it. I know as I work in behaviour and training and have seen the aftermath of 'emergencies' (which this was not - we were all invited and didn't feel anything other than very welcome).

I can tell you have never had a dog or know nothing about how they think or behave if you think being left for nearly two days with a quick pop in would be enough for the vast majority of dogs!

Pancakeorcrepe · 31/07/2025 17:08

Bccbonbon · 31/07/2025 14:56

Ultimately this is a problem only if you make it op. It's a problem only for you it seems, as dog isn't dangerous, it just is excitable.
So basically you are deciding that your SIL isn't that important for you to compromise on having this dog around. You don't want to be trading off having a running dog around and possibility of dog jumping on that table against having together time with your SIL. I'm assuming dog can't be left alone or go day boarding. In any case your SIL isn't going to be paying somine for you to not be irritated by a dog in a garden. Also Dog not being a therapy dog etc are irrelevant. Anyway, you can't compromise, don't want SIL around and that's your freedom to make that decision.

It feels to me you might not like SIL so much given your bar to not have her with you on bbq day is very low. Or maybe I'm more ok with a dog around. Wouldn't bother me and I'd find it funny too. But people are different and your sausages are important to you more than SIL, you can't laugh it off, and that's ok.

However there's also your dh, who would have made a compromise. And going forward, your SIL will be outed from your family occasions cos you won't compromise. Unless you're inconsistent. That might include you not going to your Mil when that dog is around. Will you or won't you. It's not really a sustainable decision in my opinion.

Exactly, it is quite clear that OP doesn’t like her SIL.

Rolosaregoo · 31/07/2025 17:06

I agree @BananaCaramel It’s also daft to think such a “compromise” would work when she’s never shown herself to be willing to keep her dog under control before.

She would just hear “dog is allowed to come” and filter out the conditions, then in reality let the dog run free when she gets there. Any pushback and she will likely say oh they’ll be fine off the lead for a minute , it’ll be ok doing this or that and basically keep pushing things.

Give people like this an inch and they’ll take a mile.

If she was a reasonable, responsible and considerate owner to begin with she wouldn’t let the dog behave the way it does.

Famalamallama · 31/07/2025 17:04

YANBU. It's an event in your house, so up to you how it runs. She sounds like a right madam.

BananaCaramel · 31/07/2025 17:03

@Newpeep Out of interest what do you and other people obsessed with their dogs think will happen to them if they are left on their own for longer than usual with a bowl of food and sufficient water? A neighbour or friend could have let it out for a wee. It’s not appropriate, a dog does not “have” to go anywhere - it’s a dog.

Maddy70 · 31/07/2025 17:03

"sorry you can't come. Have a lovely afternoon. See you soon "

Newpeep · 31/07/2025 16:59

BananaCaramel · 31/07/2025 16:50

@Newpeep thats not a “compromise” - use of the word compromise assumes that the needs of the dog are the same as the needs of people. I would be thoroughly unimpressed with a dog at a wake and think it ridiculous - your dog would have been fine on its own for longer than usual for one day, or you could have found a different dog sitter/had a neighbour look in. Bringing a dog to a wake is not appropriate and just because they said it was okay doesn’t mean they were happy with it, it probably means that a grieving family didn’t have the emotional resources to argue

Good luck finding a sitter or a kennels over the holidays and 8 hours each way (with an overnight stay) is a bit too long to leave a dog by about 34 hours.

I offered to stay home but they wanted me there and insisted we even stay with them rather than book into accommodation. So dog had to come.

As you say, probably not a compromise as they were more worried about having all family there rather than being worried about a small dog laying under the table for an hour or two with other dogs in the establishment not connected to the funeral party (pub)

Different situation as it sounds like this dog is allowed to run riot with no training or boundaries and everyone needs to just suck it up but if the OP wants the SIL there then they may need to compromise. If she doesn't then fine. She's quite within her right and I'd not judge. Ours have never been to family events unless it's unavoidable or they have been invited.

Rolosaregoo · 31/07/2025 16:58

AshNice · 31/07/2025 12:48

Thanks so much everyone - genuinely appreciate the replies and the reassurance. I was starting to feel like I was being a bit heartless but it’s really helped to see that others would feel the same.

I ended up texting her something simple like “Sorry we won’t see you this time - hope to catch up soon,” and just left it there. She’s read it but hasn’t responded, which is probably for the best. If she wants to sulk, that’s on her.

For a bit more context - she only started calling the dog a “therapy dog” about 6 months ago after she saw something on TikTok, and now brings him literally everywhere. Supermarkets, hair appointments, her Pilates class (not even joking). He’s a sweet dog in theory, but he’s constantly jumping up, barking at birds, and begging for food. He once weed on my MIL’s hallway rug and she just said “oops, anxiety!” like that explained it.

I really don’t think she’s doing the dog any favours either - he clearly has zero boundaries and is completely overstimulated most of the time.

I would absolutely understand if this were a properly trained support dog or a genuine medical need - but I just can’t see how “my dog keeps me calm” automatically means he gets an invite to everything. Especially when there are going to be toddlers, open food, and a paddling pool involved.

DH did try the whole “can’t you just compromise?” angle last night, but I pointed out that we did try that before - and it resulted in the dog nicking a cheeseburger and sticking his head in the trifle. So no, I think I’m done compromising.

Anyway, thanks again - some of the replies had me howling (the sausage monster comment will live in my head forever). Much needed.

Well done for not backing down, OP.

I would be walking right out of the Pilates class if she brought her dog into it and I’d be asking the staff in the supermarket why is there a pet dog in there and reporting it to head office.

Again, no regard for the needs of other people. It’s probably not even that safe for anyone if the dog is liable to get in people’s way while they’re exercising or pushing trolley around.

Out of curiousity- does she work? If so does she take her dog to work?!

ETA: oops didn’t mean to quote the whole post lol

Rolosaregoo · 31/07/2025 16:54

Screamingabdabz · 31/07/2025 11:33

Nope. She’s so ‘anxious’ that she doesn’t give a shit about upsetting other people with her unruly dog and guilt tripping you… I call attention seeking bullshit. Don’t pander to it.

Right this is the thing, her dog behaving like this would give me and many other people anxiety. Especially when I was a child. People like this don’t seem to care about anyone else’s mental health.

Op, stick to your guns.

Batherssss · 31/07/2025 16:50

I would get the ick for my husband if he started defending her twatty behaviour.

Yanbu.

BananaCaramel · 31/07/2025 16:50

@Newpeep thats not a “compromise” - use of the word compromise assumes that the needs of the dog are the same as the needs of people. I would be thoroughly unimpressed with a dog at a wake and think it ridiculous - your dog would have been fine on its own for longer than usual for one day, or you could have found a different dog sitter/had a neighbour look in. Bringing a dog to a wake is not appropriate and just because they said it was okay doesn’t mean they were happy with it, it probably means that a grieving family didn’t have the emotional resources to argue