To feel sad about 10 years celibate

I'm a lone parent with zero family support and I really sympathise. I was 4 years celibate before I realised I just couldn't do it for the next decade plus. But you're right it does require compromises in your child's upbringing that you might not want to make. Some options are:

• date during the day when they're at school
• have a partner over after they have gone to sleep
• use a paid babysitter so you can meet someone at theirs or a hotel
• introduce partners earlier than you would ideally like. Everyone says wait a year, that wasn't an option for me due to the sheer lack of time and opportunity I had. I am strict about partners not being alone with my child though.

I didn't in an ideal world want to do any of the above, but I ultimately wasn't prepared to be celibate for the next 16 years either, so I've done them all at one time or another. I was widowed and I've just accepted that it's one more way my child's upbringing has been made less than ideal by my circumstances, and that I'll be judged, you're always judged as a lone parent and widow anyway.

Have you got any friends and family at all that would be willing to take the kids a couple of nights a month?
If you don't want strangers looking after them or don't have friends or family that can help and the children don't stay with their father, it was never going to be easy for you to date. But with the youngest being 8, you could potentially start to go out in a few years on dates, how old is the eldest child, would they be responsible enough to look after the younger sibling for a couple of hours?

How about a local teenager - do you know any neighbours or mums who have an older child?

Are you comfortable with your child attending school? How about hobbies with coaches? What is the difference between these DBS checked professionals and a DBS babysitter?

I’m 45 and married. I have been celibate for 13 years if it makes you feel any better.

I am working to escape my marriage, but I can’t see me ever having sex again if I’m honest.

I think you need some respite from being a full time carer, are there any charities that will help.

Do you use Tinder or hinge? You never know you might meet someone nice, even for a little raunchy sexting.

I m a separated mum, I used to enjoy a little communication and flirtation when my children went to bed. Passed the time 🤣🤣

Mines past nursery age too, that's her main job and she makes a little extra doing babysitting in the evenings. I didn't find her online, she was recommended by a school mum who's daughter had attended the day nursery she works at. Like I said, fully qualified with a full DBS check. I'm as big on safeguarding as anyone (one of the reasons I don't date and am living the nun life), but you can carefully vet babysitters.

Ive also not had sex since my child's father, just over 6 years ago and am in my 30s. I do use a paid babysitter, a fully DBS checked nursery worker recommended by a school mum. My DC adores her. It lets me go to the occasional birthday meal out/ cinema trip with the girls, when a relative isn't available. I don't use it for dating because I don't want to date, but if it would be an option if I did.

If you’ve been celibate for almost 10 years then your youngest must be at least 9yrs old and therefore in school.

why not arrange a lunch date (or a lunchtime but of fun depending what it is you’re after).

if you feel people irl will judge you just don’t tell them.

Stop caring or listening to people who aren't living your life op. It's perfectly ok to use paid childcare and perfectly ok to date if that's what you want to do.

I was celibate for almost 8 years while a single mum and it was very difficult. It was from age 28 to 36 and I honestly thought id hit 40 without having had sex for so long. But I went on a dating site for disabled people in the end as I have a disability and I met a guy who I was in a long distance relationship with for a year. Still not much sex but at least there was some.

More recently I was celibate from 2015 to 2022, so 7 years, then a year of sex and nothing since. I'm not too bothered now plus I don't have the energy for a man or even sex. I don't miss either anymore.

My advice is if you want sex or to date, its absolutely OK to do so, single mum or not.

I suggest you find yourself some new people to surround yourself with because according to them any adult showing interest in a relationship is a perverse sex addict and childcare professionals are maniacs that shouldn’t be trusted around your kids.

Then you must surround yourself with some very dramatic extreme women.

Babysitters and childcare professionals are absolutely fine to use and for most people are a huge lifeline to having a life outside of their children.

As a childcare professional myself I find your statement rather insulting.

I remember when I left my husband and my son was only 11 and everyone, but everyone, was telling me to focus on him. I remember crying to my counsellor telling him I felt like a bad mother for saying it but that he wasn't enough for me. My counsellor just said no of course he isn't, he's a child and cannot fulfil your need for adult relationships (friendships, not a partner) and he was right. I love my son so so much but i needed more than he could give me. That gave me a lot of freedom in my head.

no your life shouldn’t revolve around your children because if you do this one day they will leave and you will have no clue who you are as a person because you’ve neglected yourself.

Yes you are a mum but you’re also an individual person who isn’t a mum.

Do your children not see their Dad? Do you have family who will babysit? Can you afford to find a babysitter you can use every so often?

It’s not sad that you’re celibate if you’re happy with that but if you’re not you deserve a loving adult connection.

Start trying to do more for yourself. Join a local club, get yourself out there and doing things for you.

We don't have to martyr ourselves to motherhood: it's a choice, as is celibacy.
I've been single and celibate for 8 years.
I don't get child free time, either, but had I actually wanted to date, I'd do what thousands of other women do, which is pay for childcare.