Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad about 10 years celibate

109 replies

TheGoldFox · 30/07/2025 23:36

I have been single and celibate since I was 28, I’m not far off 40 now and I feel sad at the prospect of reaching 40 and being celibate for over 10 years, maybe I’m being silly, I have children now so I know life is just suppose to revolve around them. Has anyone spent a long time celibate? Especially people in their 30s? Is it normal to feel sad or Aibu?

OP posts:
Original poster
TheGoldFox · 31/07/2025 16:14

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 31/07/2025 16:12

I’m 46 so not in the age range you specified, and heading towards 9 years in Jan. Not that I’m counting 😂

It does make me sad to think I might never have a sexual relationship again. Like you I don’t really have a lot of free time between a full time job and children - and then in my free time I want to see my existing friends rather than dating. So kind of my own fault…

But then again my children are getting older now and hopefully I’ll have more time soon. Although as teens you can never be sure they won’t turn up for any reason when they’re meant to be at their dads - they sometimes come in and get things even when I’m asleep and I don’t even hear them!

That’s a fair point about teens people say it’s easier but I can actually think of a few ways it can be harder!

OP posts:
Original poster
TheGoldFox · 31/07/2025 16:12

Juniperberry55 · 31/07/2025 16:11

Because we're trying to find a solution for you. We're not necessarily saying to go find a random man on the street to look after your children
But there are people you might be able to ask who aren't strangers, to you or your children, but if you wouldn't trust a teacher who you know alone with your child. Then it's not just an issue with strangers looking after your child, it's an issue with anyone but yourself looking after your kids. So then at least people know if there's any point trying to find a helpful solution for you
I, like many of the others on this thread are trying to help and aren't judging you

Show quote history

I’m not asking for a solution I asked if anyone was in the same situation spending several years celibate in their 30s? If I wanted to use sitters I would.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 31/07/2025 16:12

I’m 46 so not in the age range you specified, and heading towards 9 years in Jan. Not that I’m counting 😂

It does make me sad to think I might never have a sexual relationship again. Like you I don’t really have a lot of free time between a full time job and children - and then in my free time I want to see my existing friends rather than dating. So kind of my own fault…

But then again my children are getting older now and hopefully I’ll have more time soon. Although as teens you can never be sure they won’t turn up for any reason when they’re meant to be at their dads - they sometimes come in and get things even when I’m asleep and I don’t even hear them!

Juniperberry55 · 31/07/2025 16:11

TheGoldFox · 31/07/2025 16:07

Not a stranger, I know both their teachers for years as they’ve taught my other kids. Why is this turning into a thing about babysitters? I chose not to use them if you want to or anyone else does crack on.

Show quote history

Because we're trying to find a solution for you. We're not necessarily saying to go find a random man on the street to look after your children
But there are people you might be able to ask who aren't strangers, to you or your children, but if you wouldn't trust a teacher who you know alone with your child. Then it's not just an issue with strangers looking after your child, it's an issue with anyone but yourself looking after your kids. So then at least people know if there's any point trying to find a helpful solution for you
I, like many of the others on this thread are trying to help and aren't judging you

cofffeeee · 31/07/2025 16:10

Can you get a fwb.
I choose to be sexless as i really cant be bothered with it.
However i sleep around when im on holiday.

Comedycook · 31/07/2025 16:08

TheGoldFox · 31/07/2025 16:06

one doesn’t at the moment so not right now.

Show quote history

Because it's school holidays or you're home schooling? I don't really understand.

Original poster
TheGoldFox · 31/07/2025 16:07

Juniperberry55 · 31/07/2025 16:05

Would you not trust your child's teacher alone with your child in a room together?

Show quote history

Not a stranger, I know both their teachers for years as they’ve taught my other kids. Why is this turning into a thing about babysitters? I chose not to use them if you want to or anyone else does crack on.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheGoldFox · 31/07/2025 16:06

Comedycook · 31/07/2025 16:05

That's not what I'm saying. You said you don't get childfree time? Do they not go to school?

Show quote history

one doesn’t at the moment so not right now.

OP posts:
Juniperberry55 · 31/07/2025 16:05

TheGoldFox · 31/07/2025 16:03

As I said school is not really comparable, if I wanted to leave them with sitters I would have done it years ago, you can’t really compare it with school where there are always loads of people around and kids are rarely if ever left alone.

Would you not trust your child's teacher alone with your child in a room together?

Comedycook · 31/07/2025 16:05

TheGoldFox · 31/07/2025 16:03

As I said school is not really comparable, if I wanted to leave them with sitters I would have done it years ago, you can’t really compare it with school where there are always loads of people around and kids are rarely if ever left alone.

That's not what I'm saying. You said you don't get childfree time? Do they not go to school?

Original poster
TheGoldFox · 31/07/2025 16:03

As I said school is not really comparable, if I wanted to leave them with sitters I would have done it years ago, you can’t really compare it with school where there are always loads of people around and kids are rarely if ever left alone.

OP posts:
Hubblebubble · 31/07/2025 16:02

So your children are never left with DBS checked strangers at all? Teachers, TAs, holiday nursery staff, sports coaches, music tutors?

Original poster
TheGoldFox · 31/07/2025 15:59

Hubblebubble · 31/07/2025 15:58

I wouldnt use a website i dont trust either What you can do is find a reputable agency or enquire at a day nursery as has been suggested. Or you can stay celibate and embrace it. As you've rejected all sensible solutions, perhaps deep down that's what you really want?

No I don’t want to leave my children with strangers. Not really the same.

OP posts:
Juniperberry55 · 31/07/2025 15:58

TheGoldFox · 31/07/2025 15:49

No the school don’t babysit and tbh I wouldn’t ask them to. My oldest is 13 and I wouldn’t leave him to babysit as he isn’t mature enough.

If you're not willing to ask people you know or find a professional babysitter then I think ultimately you'll be waiting several years until you are comfortable leaving the kids unsupervised in the house.
I think you'd probably find some TAs at the school would be more than happy to babysit for some extra cash if you asked, they wouldn't be able to advertise it, but that doesn't mean none of them do it
I sympathise with your celibacy, but ultimately I think there are ways around it, if it was important enough to you.

Hubblebubble · 31/07/2025 15:58

I wouldnt use a website i dont trust either What you can do is find a reputable agency or enquire at a day nursery as has been suggested. Or you can stay celibate and embrace it. As you've rejected all sensible solutions, perhaps deep down that's what you really want?

Comedycook · 31/07/2025 15:57

Are your DC not in school op? Do you homeschool? Do they have any special needs?

Original poster
TheGoldFox · 31/07/2025 15:55

Hubblebubble · 31/07/2025 15:54

Nobody is suggesting you find some rando off Craigslist or Facebook marketplace to watch your children! You can use a fully DBS checked day nursery worker (ring your local day nurseries and see if any of their staff offer babysitting services) or use a reputable nannying/ babysitting agency where you can see DBS checks and read reviews.

Yes they have suggested childcare. Co.Uk and bubble personally that’s not for me if people want to use them good for them but I won’t be

OP posts:
Original poster
TheGoldFox · 31/07/2025 15:54

Honon · 31/07/2025 15:50

I've had people say this to me too but it's not a one off commitment so someone can have sex! If you want to support a friend to date or have a relationship you'd be committing to what, once a fortnight minimum so they could get out and meet someone? And then some overnights once they have met someone so they can actually be intimate? Maybe you'd do that but most of us don't have friends willing to offer that. The only line parents I know with that level of commitment are grandparents.

Show quote history

Thank you! Honestly I know people say it on here but it’s not my experience irl people aren’t particularly willing to take on that level of commitment

OP posts:
Hubblebubble · 31/07/2025 15:54

Nobody is suggesting you find some rando off Craigslist or Facebook marketplace to watch your children! You can use a fully DBS checked day nursery worker (ring your local day nurseries and see if any of their staff offer babysitting services) or use a reputable nannying/ babysitting agency where you can see DBS checks and read reviews.

Honon · 31/07/2025 15:50

Planktonplank · 31/07/2025 15:44

I'd babysit my friend's children so she could get laid after 10 years. Why are you listening to people who only judge and don't help?

Your options here are feel sad and sorry for yourself and do nothing or find some help - whether that's respite, paid for sitters or a friend to mind the DC.

I've had people say this to me too but it's not a one off commitment so someone can have sex! If you want to support a friend to date or have a relationship you'd be committing to what, once a fortnight minimum so they could get out and meet someone? And then some overnights once they have met someone so they can actually be intimate? Maybe you'd do that but most of us don't have friends willing to offer that. The only line parents I know with that level of commitment are grandparents.

Original poster
TheGoldFox · 31/07/2025 15:49

No the school don’t babysit and tbh I wouldn’t ask them to. My oldest is 13 and I wouldn’t leave him to babysit as he isn’t mature enough.

OP posts:
Juniperberry55 · 31/07/2025 15:47

TheGoldFox · 31/07/2025 15:38

No unfortunately not if I did I wouldn’t have spent 10 years celibate sorry to say

Show quote history

How old is the eldest child? Could they babysit your youngest for a few hours, or maybe if not now, maybe in a couple of years?
Could you ask at the school whether any of the teachers or teaching assistants do any babysitting on the side, they wouldn't be strangers to you or the children

Original poster
TheGoldFox · 31/07/2025 15:46

Planktonplank · 31/07/2025 15:44

I'd babysit my friend's children so she could get laid after 10 years. Why are you listening to people who only judge and don't help?

Your options here are feel sad and sorry for yourself and do nothing or find some help - whether that's respite, paid for sitters or a friend to mind the DC.

It’s nice you would help your friends but not everyone has that, an emergency yes but not as regular childcare

OP posts:
Original poster
TheGoldFox · 31/07/2025 15:46

Hubblebubble · 31/07/2025 15:32

Are you comfortable with your child attending school? How about hobbies with coaches? What is the difference between these DBS checked professionals and a DBS babysitter?

Not the same thing at all. It’s employing someone online and leaving them home alone with my children that doesn’t sit right with me, I don’t judge people that do this so don’t feel I should be judged for being uncomfortable with it.

OP posts:
Planktonplank · 31/07/2025 15:44

I'd babysit my friend's children so she could get laid after 10 years. Why are you listening to people who only judge and don't help?

Your options here are feel sad and sorry for yourself and do nothing or find some help - whether that's respite, paid for sitters or a friend to mind the DC.