To feel sad about 10 years celibate

I was celibate from 25 to 35 because I got out of a very abusive relationship and was done with men. At 35 I met my now DH and got married and had my DS. There isn't anything wrong with it and it's obvious what you need to do if it's not working for you

I empathise OP - often the sitter costs more than a few hours 'out', if you did go out then you might not be comfortable with going 'out on the prowl' and let's say you did and got 'lucky' then exactly where are you supposed to go and have sex anyway and be back home in time for the sitter?

Maybe think of the next 3 years as a 'challenge' to accomplish - when the dc are old enough so you can leave them without too much worry. Then you can start going out on your own terms to places you want to go to and maybe you'll meet someone that you can develop a relationship with which might lead to having some sex again.

I went two years celibate after divorce and that was more than enough for me. I have had quite a lot of casual partners in the last year but I’ve no intention of any of them meeting the children or being particularly integrated into my life.

It’s important to me and I would find it very difficult to give up now. I don’t think it’s a remotely frivolous thing to want sex and intimacy- it’s a basic human need for many people.

I think that as a single parent your children should absolutely be your priority but ideally not to the extent of you having no life of your own (which obviously doesn’t have to include a relationship but just something which you enjoy which doesn’t involve children). I don’t think that’s healthy for anyone. I wouldn’t actually want my children to look back and think that I had spent a decade celibate for their benefit. But it’s easier said than done if your children’s father isn’t involved at all and you have no other family childcare and pretty close to impossible if you’re unwilling to use paid childcare.

I don’t know if it helps to see it as a choice you’re making. In your situation I would absolutely use paid childcare because I consider it very low risk and potentially quite beneficial for children to get used to different babysitters plus it’s totally normal in my circle. You have a different view on that, which is fine, but it means you’re prioritising not using childcare over dating.

You’re among the wrong people!
Read the book “let them”

I was celibate for 3 years in my 20’s
it bugged me so much.

Edited to say; I wasn’t one for ONS and I wasn’t very body confident or confident at all for that matter.
i also need to feel sexually attracted to some one before I’d sleep with them.

Your children aren’t babies @TheGoldFox

If you left them with someone and something happened they’d be able to tell you.

Childcare.co.uk is filled with professionals who have years of experience and are often Nanny’s, teachers or nursery workers looking for some extra cash. They will be able to give you plenty of references to check.

It’s not filled with random weirdos asking to look after your kids.

I think it's normal however you feel. Some people will feel sad, like you, while others may not be fussed. Some people consciously choose it.

It's just down to how you feel personally.

If you continue to reject every suggestion of how to have some time away from your children to pursue other things, this is your lot I'm afraid.

I can relate to being celibate because I have been for 12 years. I'm happy with the decision though. What I find difficult to understand is being unhappy about something you can change if you want to.

Honestly op ..40 is not old.

And no one in the history of the world has ever had sex after the age of 40

Yep this, noone is telling you you're wrong to not trust a total stranger with your child and for putting your children first. Or that you shouldn't feel sad about being celibate for that long
People are trying to work out if there was a way to both put your children first and see if there was a way of getting you some child care that you would be comfortable with so you don't need to be sad about not having the opportunity to date. But ultimately if you don't feel comfortable with leaving your children with anyone regardless of if you and your children know the person, then I'm happy to jump off the thread.

You're not unreasonable for feeling sad about your celibacy but you are being a little unreasonable by complaining about it and refusing to do anything about it! Lots of people have tried to make helpful suggestions, all of which you've pooh-poohed. I'm not sure what you want from this thread?

Op if your DC don't have any sn then surely if the eldest is 13, in a few years time you'll be able to leave them home alone for a few hours in the evening?

Yeah you won’t be the only one! Loads of people in the same boat I’m sure.

And it’s a good thing to prioritise your kids.

I think people are just saying if you really wanted to you could make dating happen without compromising putting them first.

I’m sure I could find a way around it if I was more invested in dating but I find in practice I just don’t prioritise it - which must mean it’s not a priority for me!

I’d do it if I was really motivated to, I’m sure!

I think it’s turned into a thing about babysitters because that’s the only way you’d be able to end the celibate streak - by dating, which involves using a babysitter. There’s no way to do this for the foreseeable without having someone look after your kids.