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AIBU?

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Original poster

Grandchildren not treated equally

59 replies

Dutchhouse14 · 30/07/2025 23:20

Mil recently downsized and repeatedly made a big thing of saying she was going to share any excess proceeds between her grandchildren, which is very kind and generous. The house she sold was 350k more than the one she bought.
She gave our DC 5k each.
We have just found out that their cousins were given substantially more which some of them used to fund house purchases.
The relative that told us didn't specify how much more the other DGC got but they were visibly surprised ours got 5K as they said about using the money for a generous house deposit.
AIBU to feel pissed off in behalf of my DC ?(they don't know)
All DGC are young adults but cousins are a bit older.
Mil has never treated them equally and always favoured boys over girls so I really should not let this get to me as she has form for it - she had savings accounts for their cousins but not our DC.
One of our DC is renting and struggling to save for a deposit so it does feel a bit like a slap in the face and tbh that she doesn't love them as much.
It's her money to do what she likes with but AIBU to feel really pissed off about this ? DH just accepts it and it's like water off a ducks back to him - or perhaps he just doesn't like to acknowledge its hurtful .
All the DGC see her as frequently as each other.

OP posts:
SeaShellsSanctuary1 · 31/07/2025 11:32

hattie43 · 31/07/2025 06:00

It really isn’t

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Going on average house prices, it is about 2% of the deposit so nothing to scoff at.

Taking into account I wouldn't expect a ftb to be purchasing an average house then it increases the percentage.

But back to the OP it is still unfair to not treat equally without apparent good reason

IHadaMarvelousTimeRuiningEverything · 31/07/2025 11:01

My MIL is the same. Except when she was called out for it we were called petty and jealous and instead she accused us of disliking SIL and nephew (the ones who received the favourable treatment). That was 18 months ago and nothing has changed but it has damaged our relationship with all parties so be prepared for your MIL to be in denial or lash out at the favouritism accusations.

Original poster
Dutchhouse14 · 31/07/2025 10:34

@stayathomer No I don't think she gets on with other DGC better, they barely see her but they are the children of her eldest son and male so, for her, I think thats relevant.
Also she likes keeping up with BILs wife's family.
PP are right I think I do need to have a calm conversation with her when I next see her. It won't change a thing money wise because she's now done the distribution but at least it may make her consider her actions, although there is a chance she will be upset and angry with her daughter for telling us and they have had a rocky relationship in the past which is now repaired so I wouldn't want to upset DHs sister.

OP posts:
FishPie2 · 31/07/2025 09:11

Pricelessadvice · 31/07/2025 07:10

My friends mother left everything to one grandchild (house, cash etc) and ignored the other 4. That went down well!

Are you my SIL - my MIL did almost the same thing except she gave the grandchildren a couple of grand each. She said in the will it was because the parents of the child she left everything to lived in a council house and others didn't. They both had good jobs and spent their money on flash cars and hols etc so they could have bought a bigger house than any of the others.
Her memory was very sullied.

CopperWhite · 31/07/2025 09:10

I’d have to call her out on it and tell her how hurtful she is. You have nothing to lose and your children deserve to see someone sticking up for them. It’s sad that your DH won’t.

stayathomer · 31/07/2025 09:05

When you say she’s always treated them not equally, do you mean she gets on with them better? Because my mum was always raging over how my sister got preferential treatment and I even found out she asked my Aunty did she hate me and why she never took me out etc but it was literally just that they got on well, we just had nothing in common and to be fair I wasn’t forthcoming!
I am another that thinks 5k is substantial though but i do get that it’s unfair.

Another that says talk to her about it but not when you’re mad, figure out a way to talk about it where you’ll put across that you find it as unfair and let her know they could have done with it as opposed to anything that will have her shut you down and have her saying you’re greedy

Original poster
Dutchhouse14 · 31/07/2025 08:56

Thanks everyone, I feel a bit calmer this morning was furious last night.
DH won't speak to his mum about it, if it was my mum I would definitely be saying something but she wouldnt do something like this anyway.
Mil lives 300 miles away, tbh we visit more than the DHs brother and his kids but due to distance none of the DGC see her more than 2-3times a year.
It was DHs sister that told us, she doesn't have DC, both us and BIL have same number of DC so it's not that.
I'm 100% certain she has got it right and knows the facts ( but also wouldn't call her mum out on it)
She did kindly say she would try and help out our DC when they bought their first house but of course can't take that as a given and it's not the same as money in their accounts now.
My DC were very grateful and excited to be giving 5k, and of course I know it's MIL money so her choice BUT I do feel like my DC are being treated like second class citizens (again) and it makes my blood boil and tbh makes me think it's me she really doesn't like me although we get on well. They are very middle class me and my family are very working class.
DHs brother and his wife inherited a lot of money from her family which has also been used to benefit their DC, whereas we are unable to financially support our DC in the same way. So to add salt in the wound feels she's given to the DGC who needed it the least, but she does have a history of wanting to keep up with BIL wife's wealthy family, for example when BIL and his wife were given a 25% house deposit by her parents, DHs parents decided to match it and give them the same, as MIL couldn't bear the thought of her sons wife's family having greater input in their lives (she has told me this herself)
When we bought our first house a few years later we were not giving anything towards our deposit by either side of the family so we bought our first house with a 95% mortgage and BIL and SIl bought their first house with a 50% on a mortgage and this kind of financial leg up makes a huge difference that carries on throughout life.
Just to add this was in the 90s when house prices were a lot cheaper but still was a deposit beyond our dreams.
I would love to send the money back as suggested by PP but it's my DCs money and they are grateful and are unaware that my their DGM has given their cousins more.
Without meaning to sound ungrateful the 5k my DC have been given doesn't really go very far on a house deposits when they are dreaming of buying rather than renting.
Their cousins have recently all bought houses (no doubt had help from their mums side of family too tbf) my DC who get on well with their cousins do joke about being the poor relations.
I would never treat my DC or any future DGC differently so am completely perplexed by ILs behaviour and angry on behalf of my DC.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 31/07/2025 08:40

This does sound very unfair. It’s a huge difference in treatment, not just a minor thing.

Arealhousewife133 · 31/07/2025 08:32

Hillarious · 31/07/2025 04:28

If £5k from their grandparents isn’t acceptable to your children, mine would be happy to take it off their hands.

You've completely missed the point but im sure you know that. Its not nice to favour some of your grandkids over the others. That's what the issue is. Op isnt suggesting she wants the mils money just for the sake of wanting it.

@Dutchhouse14 Op call her out on it.. its her loss.. when your kids dont want her or as she gets older dont go to see her or dont care for her she will have no one to blame but herself. Its not about wanting money off her.. its about shes made it clear who she favours, so good luck to her, im sure these other kids will take care of her the older she gets.

Twilightstarbright · 31/07/2025 07:44

This is what my family is like- my cousins have had flats bought for them, cars, school fees etc. They have professional well paying jobs and their parents are wealthy so it isn’t on need- I could actually understand them giving more in than circumstance.

As an adult I had a limited relationship with my Gran because of it. She knew she was being unfair but basically admitted that she just favoured her other grandchildren over me and my siblings.

Ayeayeaye25 · 31/07/2025 07:15

It’s not fair but then life never is.

Could the family member who said this be winding you up or got things wrong?

At least it’s MIL and not your DM.

My DM blatantly favours my darling sisters eldest DC over sisters other child and over my two. The favoured one is also the eldest by two years. DM has far more photos of DN around her house than the other three GC put together she also always talks about DN as though she is some kind of god.

DM has made the mistake of asking my two to decide what they would like for big birthdays in the past no budget was ever discussed and neither are grabby kids so they haven’t liked to say anything. Then later its slipped out that niece has got a big very expensive present for big birthdays mine got £50 in a card for 18th and 21st. Eldest niece on the other hand is always wanting and hinting about things and DM often gets her things year round, treats her to an expensive lunch (my two get an Aldi’s own chocolate biscuit when they are on their way home almost like a reward for going home). She has also bought niece a sofa and I am pretty sure DM has given her a deposit on a house as neither her or her BF have been employed in the same job for two years and unlikely to have had enough deposit. My two will be lucky to get a mug or two.

Lemniscate8 · 31/07/2025 07:12

hattie43 · 31/07/2025 06:00

It really isn’t

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It really is, the equivilavent to at least 8-10 months hard saving, and more likely a lot more

timestheyareachanging25 · 31/07/2025 07:10

So ask her about it? Hate these threads where the OP then does zilch about it and just lets the resentment fester. Either way your relationship is going to be damaged so why not confront her and ask her why she made the decision she did and get it from the horses mouth

Pricelessadvice · 31/07/2025 07:10

My friends mother left everything to one grandchild (house, cash etc) and ignored the other 4. That went down well!

Teacaketravesty · 31/07/2025 07:07

It isn’t the amount. With my children’s great aunt, it’s £5 in their Christmas cards instead of the £10 their cousins get, even on years we all celebrate together. It’s a relationship-damaging power play.

ThejoyofNC · 31/07/2025 07:05

I'd make mine give the £5k back. If she can't be fair then she can fuck off.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 31/07/2025 06:57

That’s disgusting behaviour from the MIL. I really don’t understand some people. I think I’d have to say something.

Selttan · 31/07/2025 06:49

tripleginandtonic · 31/07/2025 06:34

They could specify why in their will. He shouldn't feel hard done to then.

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Part of the reason she’s able to help out more is age difference - she’s in her 20s while he’s late teens. Plus personality - she’s very social and outgoing, always on the go. Whereas he’s introverted and has anxiety.

Ladybyrd · 31/07/2025 06:44

Hillarious · 31/07/2025 04:28

If £5k from their grandparents isn’t acceptable to your children, mine would be happy to take it off their hands.

I think you’ve missed the point. Whether it’s £5k or a fiver, not treating them equally is shite.

tripleginandtonic · 31/07/2025 06:34

Selttan · 31/07/2025 06:30

I hope your kids don’t find out - unless their cousins help out their grandmother a lot and your kids have little to do with her.

My parents were updating their will recently and wanted to give 5% more to my niece over my nephew as she’s helped them out so much over the years but I said think of how my nephew will feel when your gone and it might seem like you love her more than him. They don’t it’s just the relationships are different,

They could specify why in their will. He shouldn't feel hard done to then.

verycloakanddaggers · 31/07/2025 06:30

Mil has never treated them equally and always favoured boys over girls Support your DC to at least be honest about this, don't make them play along.

Your DH should speak to his DM, but it's not easy to do.

Unequal treatment is toxic.

Selttan · 31/07/2025 06:30

I hope your kids don’t find out - unless their cousins help out their grandmother a lot and your kids have little to do with her.

My parents were updating their will recently and wanted to give 5% more to my niece over my nephew as she’s helped them out so much over the years but I said think of how my nephew will feel when your gone and it might seem like you love her more than him. They don’t it’s just the relationships are different,

Kaftanesque · 31/07/2025 06:29

As a grandparent I can't imagine ever doing that.Giving some of the proceeds of her house sale is a kind thing to do but favouring certain GC so much more is not so im not surprised you feel hurt on your DCs behalf.

Linenpickle · 31/07/2025 06:27

Why doesn’t your dh say something to his mother…. At least make her aware you know if the different treatment with kids.

Zanatdy · 31/07/2025 06:08

I’d be pretty angry too, and i’d be stepping right back from any relationship with her. Completely unacceptable to do that in my opinion.