Is it me

https://www.milkandmore.co.uk/

Milk and More don't have minimum delivery and might do in a pinch.

For the shopping use a large handbag with a cross body strap. Or a backpack. To put the food in. You'll have to shop at the local shop which may be more expensive but that's life.

If the only health issue is you're on crutches you're not going to get PIP for that or be signed off as unfit for work. If you have a job and can't currently do it, ask your GP to sign you off then your employer will claim statutory sick pay for you. If you're renting, have few savings and SSP is your only income, you can claim UC housing element to help with the rent for the time you're off work.

I always made sure my kids had food clothes and a roof over their heads

This describes my childhood too. Unfortunately I didn't have love, safety, privacy, autonomy over my own body or medical care as necessary and was emotionally/physically abused. The food was fine but the clothes were second hand, unfashionable and I got bullied for it. The house was so cold I cried and a few times I set myself on fire by accident huddling too close to the one bar on the gas heater we were allowed to run for ten minutes of a morning. I grew up in poverty whilst parents hoarded money in the bank. So when I hear phrases like the one above I know how meaningless it can be. It's a bare-bones-parenting phrase. Not even adequate parenting, if that's where the parenting ends. It's really not, in itself, a cause for a pat on the back.

The oldest child was 14 then when you entered an abusive relationship. The relationship isn't your fault and not realising you were in it isn't your fault. Some people never manage to leave. So well done for that. But none of this has anything to do with how your children feel. They don't have to make allowances for it if they don't want to.

That relationship impacted their childhood and may have impacted their adulthood too, that's time they can't get back, damage they can't necessarily undo.

When you're in an abusive relationship your attentions will naturally be focused on your abuser, it's a survival mechanism. It means though, that your attentions aren't focused primarily on your children, which they should be. As a result of being emotionally abused yourself, you'll inevitably have (at best) emotionally neglected your children yourself, as well as possibly acting as an enabler of his abuse towards them or (at worst, in the case of some parents) joined in with abusing them in a side-with-the-bully-to deflect-harm-from-yourself type of situation.

The 14yr old would have had to sharply grow up all of a sudden due to this. They've focused on building their own life. The younger children would have been even more messed up from this situation, because your inevitable distancing from them would have occurred at a younger age. The younger the child, the more they need their parents and so the more they're harmed by parental neglect. An apology doesn't fix any of this. By all means give it freely, which it sounds as though you have done, but don't expect it to wipe the slate clean or to be forgiven. That's entirely their decision. Your children did not come through this unscathed.

When people grow up neglected they become unnaturally independent, excessively so, because they had to to survive. As a result, they may not recognise the state of needing help in others. After all, they had to survive with no help when they needed it, so they know it can be done. They may be taking a similar approach with you now, expecting you to sort your own problems without their assistance. Not out of nastiness or as punishment for the past, but because in their minds that's the way life works - you fix your own problems as best you can and you don't have help. That's the message they received growing up. The concept of needing or asking for help can be an alien concept for people who've grown up like this. So offering help to others isn't necessarily something they'll think to do either.

You mentioned a 30yr old and the abusive relationship being 20yrs. So present in her life from age 10? DD could be carrying a lot of resentment. At 30 does she also have her own children? Single parent? Co-parenting with an ex? A job? Partner (and is that a healthy or abusive relationship)? Social life? Does she have a nanny, cleaner, gardener etc or is she doing it all herself? Pets? Time consuming hobbies? I can well imagine a 30yr old with barely any free time, wanting and needing weekends to recharge after the working week and maintain their own relationships. Effectively amounting to having no space in her life for caring duties towards a parent, regardless of how close she lives. Maybe there's a discrepancy between what "visiting more often" means to you and to DD. It's not necessarily going to equate to visiting at a particular time because you happen to need care. Maybe the next few weeks are busy for her. It's not her fault or her problem that you ended up in hospital at this time. It's also not necessarily going to equate to caring duties. Perhaps she meant visiting more often for fun stuff and as you're not currently up to that she's staying away, giving you space to recover from your health issues. Just because you'd like some help at this time it doesn't necessarily mean she's up for plugging the caring gaps your health situation has created.

I understand this is going to make you feel sad, but I don't think you should conclude that nobody likes you. The chances are that if you put the effort in you'll make friends locally eventually. They still won't necessarily come round and help you out when you're sick though! The worst people don't tend to consider that it's them, they tend to automatically assume it's everyone else. So the fact you're questioning if it's you shows the kind of self awareness that points towards you being at the nicer end of the personality spectrum.

If you don't have any hobbies, get some. Both as a way of meeting people and to give you something to talk about. If you can't afford to join groups then do something free and solo. It all goes towards building a new life for yourself and makes you a more interesting person to be around, as well as acting as a distraction from any negative feelings you're having concerning your family. Regardless of your situation, there's never any point in moping around, you need to find ways to have fun.

I freely admit I wasn't the best mum, I didn't abuse my kids but I guess I wasn't there for them enough

If that is the case, then it really addresses the current situation, doesn’t it. It seems you then chose a man over them, and an abusive man they didn’t like at that. So, over the years they have, rightly, distanced themselves accordingly. Realistically, this is going to be very hard to change as while only 20 years for you, it’s nearly a lifetime for them.

Be honest with your DD.

Say you’ve come out of hospital and you’re struggling so please could she go to the shop for you.

And say you are not well enough to travel to her right now.

Also sign up to Facebook and local pages and post on there about not being able to get to a shop or afford a delivery etc and if anyone would kindly pick up some shopping for you and drop it off.

How old were your other dc when you went to live 200 miles away? That's abandonment, they must have felt very lonely & rejected. And the one who went with you probably feels like you took her away from her family & friends. It's a life lesson for others really. Your kids should ALWAYS come first.

Not sure you are reading what everyone else is.
Current husband abusive, now separated.
Kids didn't visit because they didn't like him.
He's gone, they're still not visiting.

It's unclear whether your current husband is abusive as well as your previous husband. Or just your current husband is abusive & this is the reason why they're not visiting. As you're still with him, you're indicating to your kids that he's more important than they are. They've decided not to visit because his presence is an emotional trigger for them & they want to protect themselves from it.

We have the relationship we have with our children based on how that relationship develops over the years. Obviously we don’t know what your relationship was like with them as children but they didn’t like the man you married and yet you married him and brought him into their home, it’s likely they hold resentment .

it seems clear you want to be closer to them. Firstly you have to accept responsibility for your role in the lack of closeness. That’s not about blaming/feeling sorry for yourself it’s about accepting you made poor choices in the past, owning those choices and apologising for them. Opening a conversation up about the past and listening without judgement and accepting responsibility.
Making the effort for them - visiting/phone calls. Showing an interest in their lives, inviting them to do activities with you or to your house for a meal.

They may be open to this or it may take time to make changes. There’s also a possibility they may not want a closer relationship in which case you may have to accept what they are willing to offer and find peace in that.
Have you had counselling? You might benefit from therapy to help you feel better about yourself.

Sorry to be blunt OP but it sounds like you let your dc fend for themselves from a young age and now that you "need" them you want them back in your life. Selfish really..and saying they don't like you is feeling sorry for yourself. You have to accept the fact that their lack of interest is a result of your selfishness. You need to become more independent. Get out there and meet people your age , stop wallowing in self pity.

Without wanting to kick you while you're down OP, this pretty much sounds like the problem in a nutshell:

" I freely admit I wasn't the best mum, I didn't abuse my kids but I guess I wasn't there for them enough."

Not abusing your children is a very low bar for parenthood. You chose a man over them, and continued in a marriage with him even though you were aware that your children didn't like him. I am sorry you suffered emotional abuse, but you would have had plenty of opportunities to knock it on the head before you became dependant on him. Ultimately, your choices exposed your children to an abusive man and created a mother who didn't seem that interested in prioritising them or their wellbeing.

These things do have an effect. You can try and rebuild the relationships now but the ship may have sailed. You weren't willing to prioritise them when you had someone, so now that you're alone, reaching out to them may seem like you're only doing it because you have no one else.

Build yourself a life, make new friends, join clubs/activities, and try not to dwell on the negatives. Misery loves company. Reach out to your children and try to rebuild your relationship, but understand that it's unlikely to happen overnight, if at all.

This has nothing to do with asking for a needs assessment from social services. If you're recently out of hospital and struggling sufficiently with daily life you perhaps will qualify for a care package via social services. This is totally separate to anything to do with claiming benefits.

Contact citizens advice for help with claiming benefits if necessary. Are you of working age? Have you been disabled for a while now or is it new? Are you claiming universal credit or do you have a job? Stressful financial circumstances will be making everything else feel worse overall.

You "weren't the best mum"

Well there it is. You weren't adequate as a parent and now they're not the best, most dutiful, children towards you. If H emotionally abused you, he probably did it to them too and by not leaving him, you enabled it. That's not necessarily something you can fix after the event, they're not obligated to forgive you. They've forged their lives without the support they could have had from someone who was the best mum. Now you're having to forge your life without your children's support as you age.

None of this is to say you're a terrible person who everyone dislikes. It's harder to make friends as an adult anyway. It will put people off you though if you appear to be on a downer the whole time. Obviously this thread is just a snapshot of time and perhaps your just having a bad day and aren't like this all the time. Two things that might apply: healthy people shy away from needy people (because they tend to drag them down) and if you're a people -pleaser you'll attract people who just want to use you. Work on yourself if you need to.

Emotional abuse takes time to recover from, a long time sometimes. Have you had any help with that? From women's aid? From some type of therapy? You sound lost. Maybe you're in need of some help to move forward and rebuild your life as a single woman who's children have long since moved out. The empty nest phase of life can be difficult for people with ordinary lives and healthy marriages, never mind on top of the kind of life you've had. There's no shame in needing help.

It does suck being unwell when you live alone and there's nobody to even make you a cuppa. Maybe you can look at your home when you're well again and see if there's changes you can make to set things up better so it still is functional when you're unwell. Lots of people live alone and don't have the type of close relationships where anyone is going to visit them to help when they're unwell. People find ways to manage.

All of you are now experiencing the fallout of the abuse he inflicted on you.

None of the relationships in the family are immune to abuse even if the primary target is just one individual. Abuse poisons all relationships, and sad to say, it can be especially toxic to relationships between the abused parent and the children.

You and your children need to start working on healing. Have you ever had a conversation of any depth with them about their experience of living in a home where emotional abuse was present?

Have you told your adult children that you have regrets over your parenting? That you'd like the opportunity to make amends?

If they spent 20 years building up their resilience to cope with your indifference towards them they won't be able to just switch it off.

Does your children have family of their own?

Have you specifically asked them for help?

I don't know your circumstances but sometimes a charity associated with your illness can give benefits advice. If not, here's a list of places that might be able to help: https://www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/benefits/problems-with-benefits/where-to-get-help-and-advice-about-benefits

Can you ask social services for a needs assessment? Perhaps contact your GP and say you're struggling to cope. Samaritans are available 24/7.

If you were with your husband for a long time, the kids will just be used to not coming. If they didn’t like him and 15 years has gone by, they won’t be like ‘Yay, horrible Richard has buggered off now we’ll see Mum every week’. Too much water has gone under the bridge, they have different priorities.