Wrong Underwear - I am Ungrateful

It's really bizarre, isn't it?

Choose what you want once you have tried on in shops (for bras). Then send him the links so he gets the size and item correct.

Surely, he must notice that the OP never wears his thoughtless "gifts"?

@FurlaMetropolis you shouldn't feel ungrateful, you should feel angry. You shouldn't feel scared to tell him they don't fit.

Just leave them out unopened on his side of the bed and tell him.

@FurlaMetropolis YANBU OP. FFS, how many times does he need to be told what size you are? He can't even get that right when this is his go-to present for you?! 🙄I totally understand your frustration OP - that money could be spent on something you love and would really appreciate. Oh, and please explain to your DH about the existence of gift receipts, so you can return the items for appropriate alternatives without him even knowing.
Men*. Sigh.
*Yes, I know, not all men.

Just ask for vouchers and just tell him.

This is one of the weirdest posts I've read. Surely no real grown woman puts up with this kind of bullshit?

He's essentially buying a present for himself and gets pissy if you don't like it? Find your voice and tell him to fuck off.

Yes you're ungrateful, which is a completely appropriate reaction to a rubbish present from a man who has ignored everything you've already told him on the subject.

What would happen if you say to him tonight - I accidentally saw some things you bought me when I was putting away laundry, but I need to tell you they're the wrong size and wrong style so I can't use them, please return them before it's too late. I prefer to choose my own underwear, let me know if you want any other present ideas.

Or even text that to him before he gets home? If he accuses you of being ungrateful, point out that it doesn't make sense to be grateful for a present you can't use.

It sounds like he uses "ungrateful" as the ultimate accusation to silence you, which is not good. He sounds like a controlling parent not a loving husband.

Tell him that he is constantly buying the wrong size and things you DO NOT LIKE. Why is it ok for him to hurt your feelings but you're not allowed to tell him. Also tell him you've not had a birthday present yet, and "this" is what you want. Thank you.
If he doesn't listen, stop buying for him altogether. He's an arse and selfish.

I can't believe that partners can't say something as simple as 'I don't want any more underwear.'
My husband looks in the Amazon wish list and if it is in there, I get it. He has no imagination himself, or the desire to think about it. This year I asked why he had bought me a certain book...it was in the wishlist, he said....but not for me, I answered!
Just say something!

I’d take everything back immediately for a refund and head straight to Waterstones - or, if I could only get an exchange, I’d swap the lot for Percy Pigs and bubble bath 😆

I'd take the underwear from the wardrobe & ask him who it's for?

Obviously it's not for you as it isn't the right size/style.

Then tell him no more underwear & to tell his mother the same!

What an ignorant fool.

Never mind buying him nasty underpants Op, buy him something useful for the kitchen, or the house in general, when he complains say well at least it's useful which is more than can be said for lingerie in the wrong size

As others have said : tell him you don’t want underwear!!! Tell mil the same.

This.

You're not saying anything to spare his feelings? He doesn't care about yours, does he? He must realise you're not wearing them.

My husband always gifts me lovely lingerie but it’s always the correct size.

It’s no different from your haven’t buying you a pair of shoes in a size 7 if you are a size 5!

As a one off at the beginning of a relationship it could be excused if he brought the wrong size but now after all this time he’s either very stupid or nasty and wants you to be the size that the underwear will fit.

Either start a month before your birthday and give him links to what you would wear and in which size or tell him to stop altogether as it’s wasteful.

If you want to be petty, when it’s his birthday buy him something that is in no shape or form going to fit him.

I don’t think I’d do as many pp’s have suggested & buy the wrong size or hideous underwear for your DH - not very mature. To be honest your post makes me very sad for you OP. To be married to someone seemingly so out of touch with what you like or worse, he knows but just isn’t bothered, is beyond my comprehension.

Just tell him to stop buying you underwear because simply, it's a very personal thing and he isn't getting it right. It should be very straightforward unless he has a serious personality problem. And tell the MIL to stop too, that she doesn't need to spend big money on underwear, that you like flowers/chocolates/toiletries etc.

I’m more concerned for you. Every birthday you get underwear. What about what you would like? Maybe it’s just me but if he’s buying it is there an expectation for you to wear it for him. Underwear should make you feel good it’s not about what he wants. I would be saying no more only vouchers if necessary.

Can't seem to edit my post above, so just to add: once you've sold what you can, get yourself a proper treat with the cash, and thank him from the bottom of your heart for the lovely treat you've got with his money.

Mention you need to see/try underwear on to make sure you feel comfortable in it and it fits. No one likes VPL or cups that are too overflowing or underfilled. You could as a pp mention buy him XXS

This has happened to me more than once: I remember a former boyfriend, 18 years older than I was and a bit of a chauvinist as I recall, gaily announcing that he was going to buy me "sexy underwear" for my upcoming birthday. I don't know what awful garish thing he was going to foist on me, but before he went haring off to the shops, there was nothing for it but to sit him down, look him straight in the eye, and explain, calmly, rationally and clearly, that intimate underwear is a very personal thing which has to be my own, or anyone's, choice, that if I did not feel comfortable with it and if it didn't sit well on my body I was not going to be in the mood for sex or get sexually aroused, even if he was, which was going to defeat his objective, wasn't it. Also, women's bodies being what they are, bras need to be properly sized and fitted before buying: if they aren't, they start chafing, your boobs overspill, they won't do the job they're actually made for, in which case you cannot wear them, and that of course isn't going to lead to any great erotic experience, either. If he can't use his loaf, put a bit of thought and care into his gifts, get you something related to your likes and interests as a person and partner, if he's dead set on buying you items of clothing and nothing else, then you both choose them together.

Do charity shops accept underwear (even if unworn), I was wondering about this myself the other day. If it's of good quality made by a label I would do what pp have suggested above and just flog the whole lot on Vinted.

I don't live in the UK...I'm sure shops round here don't refund on knickers or swimwear or earrings. Male as well as female. Even with tags or in packaging.

Dear god I would have nipped that in the bud at the start! Last time I bought a bra I had to try on 13 - yep 13 before I found one that fitted and was comfortable. There is NO WAY my husband of 30 years would EVER have had the foggiest idea.

I would demand no more underwear (and from your MIL is seriously weird)

My DP did this for several years with me telling him that things didn’t fit or I didn’t feel comfortable. I told him I wasn’t going to wear it for his benefit and it may have had an adverse impact on our sex life (but that may have been perimenopause related too). To be fair, he also bought many other gifts so it wasn’t like they were the only thing I received but I still felt incredibly ungrateful to put them, unopened, into a box never to be worn.

Eventually we came to the compromise that he would only buy things that I had tried on, so we go shopping together or he buys different colours of stuff that he knows that work for me. Is that an option you could suggest to him?

I’d definitely be knocking the MIL gifts on the head though. That is weird! 🤨

Unless it is something someone has requested, underwear isn't a gift for the person who wears it. Is he always this selfish?

Stop accepting it @FurlaMetropolis . When you open it say 'no' and hand it back. His mood should not dictate this. Stand firm.

I'd package up all of the ones they've given you into a pile and put it on a place he will see after work. When he asks why it's there simply say you don't want it and won't be accepting any more underwear. Then ask him if he should put it in the bin or you.

Stand strong. Do not be a pushover. This is about far more than the underwear he buys you.