Another MIL one...

Do I just suck it up and leave them for an hour together? Try and spend more time with them both together?

Yes. You know your baby won't come to harm so just let them get on with it. Either with you or without, whichever works for you. She won't get any better at settling the baby without spending more time together.

I would say that you are in a hyper sensitive phase of post-partum so any pre-existing reservations or discomfort is just amplified massively. I could barely stand to be around my in-laws after I had my first and I generally have a very good relationship with them. The intensity of the feeling will pass and usually GPs calm down a bit too as the baby gets older.

Sorry but YABU. She will learn, without doing your baby any harm. You are probably making her very nervous, watching her incessantly and interfering unnecessarily. Presumably she brought up your DH to be the person you love!

I strongly disagree with the first poster.

You don’t owe her things her way all the time just to appease her. You matter. You are the child’s mother. I would be a bit more assertive when she takes her out your arms before you are ready, say something!! ‘Excuse me I’m not finished yet’ and tinkly laugh. Or Paddington stare. Something!!!!

So many MILs are keen to play mummy again and it takes them a while to realise the new role of grandma is slightly different. My MIL and own mother both took time to find this groove. My own mum called herself mummy to my baby absent mindedly a number of times and I had to say no you’re the granny now!!

PLease don’t seethe in silence just to make grandma happy. She can still have a relationship she doesn’t need to go full force now …she has the toddler and child years to bond with baby too.

How old is your DD and do you need to leave her with MIL? She doesn't sound like a bad person but I recognise some of these things from my MIL when I was newly postpartum.

Took baby out my arms one time (had tried at the door) - every other visit I've handed him over and she expects to hold him the entire time. Pressuring to give formula when he's healthy and chubby breastfeeding. Asking if he needs changing as if I wouldn't have changed him if he did, pointing out things about him as if I hadn't spotted or dealt with them (he's got a bogey in his nose, he's got cradle cap). Not giving him back immediately when hungry and trying to distract him.

She has got a lot better but the main thing is I actually grew a backbone and started speaking up when there was something bothering me that wasn't majorly obvious. Like if my ILs were holding him at an uncomfortable angle, I wanted to check his temperature, he needed a nap, I'd speak up and stopped worrying about causing offence. And I have seen MIL be good about listening to me and then following what I wanted the next time the situation came up.

She is lovely in general but it's a tough dynamic change and my own parents aren't around, we see them at least weekly. I do think they'll be very doting grandparents and that it will be great for my child to have them around and spend time with them, do the odd sleepover as MIL is already talking about - gives us a break as well - but I'm not comfortable about babysitting for a while. Maybe after I've gone back to work, for now there just isn't a need.

Well no, it’s also the father’s baby and his choice too…🤨

It sounds like you’ve decided you don’t like her so are finding any reason you can to try push her out. She’s your baby’s grandmother like it or not. I agree it’s wrong for her to try and take the baby out of your arms, absolutely. However the rest is just a difference in approaches.
I’m going to have to be harsh here and point out a bit of the obvious, such as that you absolutely do not have grounds to solely refuse her permission to hold the baby and/or care for her alone IF your DH says it’s fine. He’s as much the baby’s parent as you are. As PP said though, I cannot see anything to suggest your baby would not be cared for properly. Just because her kids are in their 40s, doesn’t mean she’s forgotten how to look after a baby! It’s not really something you forget….

Was your DH there when she complained about you not making her a cup of tea? She was out of order regardless, but even more so if she expected a woman who had just given birth to make her a drink when her own son was there.

You or your DH need to tell her that it makes you uncomfortable when she tries to take your baby out of your arms. If she stopped doing those things and waited for you to ask her if she wanted to hold the baby, I'm sure you would feel much more relaxed and welcoming.

She sounds like an idiot. I can't imagine being upset that a new mum, feeding a baby and recovering from surgery didn't make me a cup of tea. You are right to be wary of her.

No one decides to have a baby because "it will be nice for mil to be a grandmother", and you don't owe her anything. You also don't have to be "fair". The baby is not a toy to be shared equally amongst both grandparents. No neonate or even infant needs or benefits from a relationship with paternal grandmother. I really don't think that's a thing. As children get older it's lovely to have a good relationship with grandparents on both sides. Obviously that has to start somewhere, so you are right to not shut her out. But ultimately your baby needs you not her and it is instinct to be protective. You have not done anything wrong and if you are anxious about her it's probably more a reflection of you having a poor relationship with her to begin with. That's on her to fix.

If she says it's not her first rodeo again say "yes mil, you have had your turn many years ago. Now it's my turn. Please give me back my baby'.

My MIL was like that, in the end we told her “youve been here enough times to no longer be a guest, you know where the kettle is.”
She was pretty good as the years went on even washed up for me & helped with the housework when i was bed bound for a few weeks after major surgery. So don’t hold that against your mil. Life is to short - you will miss her when shes gone, believe me!

well she raised your DH to the man he is today so im gathering she didnt do a bad job! You just need to trust her, you dont have to like her.

I think you're being a bit unfair. Is she holding the baby safely? If so, let her have some time figuring out what her and the baby are comfortable. I was always a bit confused about my dad's baby holding strategy until I realised that she always went straight off to sleep when he was bouncing her and started employing his tactic myself!

I do think on the hungry/tired thing, gentle firmness can be the way forward here, backed by your DH. So if you think th ebaby is hungry and she is saying "no, just let her cry for a bit she'll settle" a polite but firm, "MIL, I know when she's hungry, let me just feed her and you can have a cuddle after" is perfectly okay. MIL was a big believer in "he's not really hungry, just let him cry for a bit" and I had to be quite firm with her a few times. It was helped by DH making it clear that I was far more likely to know when the baby was hungry than MIL was.

Your baby, your choice. I would also feel annoyed to have a small baby whisked away just after feeding or not handed back if they were fussing. I would be firm on this even if it is uncomfortable.

I remember a friend holding my baby when he was about a month and I was just so uncomfortable and angsty. My baby was absolutely fine but I just wanted him back in my arms. It’s understandable you’re feeling like this but also it’s important for MIL to form a bond. Can you subtly give MIL loads of jobs to do so she feels useful? Folding washing or a big pile of ironing? Also would MIl be ameanable to a quick chat about how you’re feeling anxious if she holds your baby for too long. Or if you’ve got another child how perhaps you’re worried that they’re feeling left out by MILs attention in baby?

You just have to trust her. You don't need to like her.

Nothing that you've said suggests the baby will come to any harm, and it would be punishing the baby to not give the relationship with grandmother a good go because she's offended you by offering advice.