For getting married in the same month as my best friend?

You make having a wedding like having a serious illness. Seriously? Why do people shell out tens of thousands of pounds to feel ‘stressed, running on empty and needing to switch off immediately afterwards and need friends supportive and available’ Christ-it’s not cancer treatment. If it’s that bad, why don’t people just have a nice but smaller do?

Not necessarily about being upstaged, but more having to essentially have something else to think about right after her wedding.

It is three whole weeks after her wedding, not the next day.

Just how hard can it be? She could just decline.

Not necessarily about being upstaged, but more having to essentially have something else to think about right after her wedding.

If she's having a big one, she'll be stressed and running on near empty, this is when she needs her friends to be supportive and available.

You planning a wedding makes you less available or makes her not feel like she can lean on you much.

She now had to also consider you when planning her honeymoon when she might have been looking foward to switching off after hers.

Apologise and say you hadn't thought it through.

Easy for people to come on here and slag her off, but it sounds like a special friendship to you.

She may well laughter about it/herself one day, but for the sake of the relationship, smooth it over.

Weddings bring out the worst in people. My brother in law now no longer speaks to us in large part because we got married the day before his birthday (not a significant birthday). I’ve tried apologising (it was a surprise wedding) and have now given up entirely. You just have to do what is best for you as a couple. Apologise if you see fit. Explain you didn’t think it was an issue for all the reasons you didn’t think it would be an issue. Then see what happens.

My two closest friends got married 2 weeks apart. It was a nightmare! Initially they were excited but in the end it nearly ruined their friendship and I was caught in the middle. Dress shopping, decorations etc. It was always about both of them and I think a lot of brides want it just to be about them just for one day and I guess when you’re both planning a wedding it never will be just about you if your best friend is also doing it at the same time!
Oh and the hen do caused so many issues! As one friend thought the others hen do was better (it was tbf but not the others fault as they didn’t plan it!) so it caused a lot of resentment.
With you going away I’m not sure if you’re having all of that. But I can understand the way she’s feeling. Like she’s being upstaged. Rightly or wrongly, people react differently. I overthink thinks so I would never personally get married in the same month as my best friend.
Her idea of telling people is bizarre though and I would have thought that would put even more spotlight on you. Which I would guess is what she’s annoyed about. If it actually was an elopement it would probably have been fine but no you’re basically just planning a small wedding

Anyone who might be slightly self absorbed isn't a narcissist. Stop misusing words, it's embarrassing and insulting to people who have to deal with actual narcissistic behaviour. HTH! This bride hardly fits that description, seriously get a grip!

You are approaching this issue very sensitively op, and it will be okay. I think you should tell her your original plan and revert to that as you said, no pressure whatsoever on her then.

It wouldn’t surprise me that once she knows how open you are to her not attending that it immediately lightens her load, and conversely she might feel she can come after all. She has a lot on her plate, this is not about you but about her and the mounting pressure she is under with such a big wedding.

So your having a small wedding 3 weeks after hers?

I think i would have liked my best friend to give me a heads up before booking it especially if she wanted me there.

In the same year:
June - one of my best friends and bridesmaids
July - my other best friend and bridesmaids
August - DH's best friend and best man
October - us.
We also attended two more weddings in July and August that year, two other friends of mine who got married in the same place and another colleague of DH's in the November.

Nobody thought it was at all weird or inappropriate or felt that their bubbles were burst or that their precious time was being stolen.

there is no way I’d book my wedding the same month as someone I was close to. I think you’ve been thoughtless and it’s fair that she is annoyed. At least she’s told you to your face rather than slate you behind your back.

that's plain silly...if you have to be wary about what you say to someone they are not a BF.

W the actual F???

@RosesAndHellebores with respect, I think it is you who is being is patronising.

Your experience is not the only experience.

It is rich on your part to assume that everyone has the same feelings, means, values, family relationships, finances and emotions as you and your circle do.

People are different.

@MumLife90 I was in the exact same position as you a few years ago. It was the first summer after COVID and we had a lot of weddings within a 2 month period, all being within 3 weeks of each other. Now that didn't bother me but for my close friend I was being awful for having my wedding the same month.She said bad things behind my back to one of my best friends. As you can imagine we are not that close anymore and it's for the better! She's always been full of drama and I've had enough of it.

I understand that your friendship is important to you, OP, and that you don't want to lose the woman you see as a sister. I 'get' it - I have a lifelong friend I feel the same way about myself. However. What does she expect you to do? Cancel? Bit of self-flagellation, maybe?

I don't know what it is with some brides these days who apparently think that because they're getting married the whole world suddenly revolves around them. You chose your timing because it's the only timing that works for you. Your wedding is not all about her. Ditto your life. Of course if your wedding places too great a constraint on her time and finances, you'd be disappointed not to see her attend but would understand. I don't think there are any further concessions I'd be prepared to offer, despite the depth of the friendship. If things were to cool as a result this would be deeply regrettable, but it would also tell me that this was not the close, loving friendship I'd imagined it to be.

I'm sorry you're finding your wedding plans tainted by this competitive silliness, OP. IME, which is growing long, weddings are simply not all that - and certainly not worth the angst they can cause.

I also hope you'll ignore the childish, snippy comment upthread accusing you of trying to be 'edgy' simply because your wedding isn't an identikit copy of the tired, 'traditional' format. Really petty, but a perfect exemplar of the kind of competitive bride for whom most people would rather be a spectre at the feast than maid of honour.

elopement means running away and usually by self as no one else knows

you are having a small wedding / locally it sounds like

That’s ok. I don’t need your second hand embarrassment for me.

Just because you don’t like wedding things (I don’t either) we can’t deny others the pleasure, can we? We are all so different. Op is going for a small intimate do while her friend wants the works. Nothing wrong with that.

Op, your update is lovely.

Perhaps she was looking forward to doing weddings things with you nearer the time

Why do people feel the need to do wedding things?

All we did was book the church, book the venue for after the church and order some flowers. It doesn't have to be difficult. My mum made my dress and the cake (she had it professionally iced by a friend) and a neighbour drove me to the church, so those things would have to be ordered as well, but IMO so many couples (usually the bride) have to make weddings so extravagant and overly complicated these days it's no wonder they cause so much stress.

There is a middle road between huge monsterfests and a couple going to the town hall in jeans.

What a lovely, emotionally intelligent update @MumLife90 - its obvious you deeply cherish your friendship and are able to see lots of perspectives. I hope she values you and your efforts to understand and compromise your own wishes to ease her issues.

FFS what is wrong with these women who think their weddings are so fucking special? Your friend is bonkers.

When I got married, two other colleagues at work were also getting married and we all ended up within about 8 weeks between the first and the last. There was a lot of guest crossover between all three of us.

I am not aware that anyone was overly bothered, I certainly wasn't. Possibly the guests going to all three weddings were a bit fed up of it by the last one. But as 2 brides and a groom, we were swapping info and ideas between us and we all went to each others wedding.

However, this was work colleagues not my best friend. I can see that it might feel to her like you are trying to upstage her, or take away some of the shine. I know you are having two different weddings, hers is large, yours is very small (it's not an elopement), but nonetheless I can see her point, to a degree. But if I valued my friendship I might be annoyed initially, but I would get over it.

Assuming you have explained to her that you chose your date from a logistical point of view and you meant no slight to her, then I would say you need to just let her come round.

Perhaps she was looking forward to doing weddings things with you nearer the time and she now feels you won't be interested in hers. Make sure she knows that anything you had committed to will still be honoured on your part.

i don’t think you can necessarily expect a warm response from your friends. You’re having a wedding and haven’t invited them so they may well be annoyed.

I can also see your friend may well be thinking about things like having enough annual leave to manage both weddings, possibly needing to change any honeymoon plans etc. She doesn’t own the month but given her and her family form a high % of the guests, I’d have run the dates past her first.

Elopement means running away secretly to get married.

You are not running away or getting married in secret.

You’re having a small wedding.

Does this mean she won’t have to take additional leave to attend, and will be back from her honeymoon?

I’m sure you can both moved past this and both enjoy your weddings.

I think she should apologise to you for making you feel bad about your wedding myself. But good luck with what you have decided and I hope your friendship survives x.