For getting married in the same month as my best friend?

It’s risky to pay for friend, her husband and her sons. What if they don’t turn up?

I think you’d be better off telling them it’s cancelled.

Then it’s a destination wedding, not an elopement. Also, how many is a few weeks? Like a fortnight after hers? Straight after her honeymoon?
Mumsnet love to call women bridezillas, but I understand why she would be upset too. It’s upstaging her a bit, I think you know that too, deep down.

Only if they are having a wedding they can't afford.

You have two choices.

Get married as planned with your family and enjoy a wonderful day and tell bf you understand why she can’t make it, and arrange to celebrate on your return.

You change the month and accommodate your best friend.

I would discuss it with your husband to be and your family. It’s best to come to your own decision.

My bf didn’t come to my wedding, she was heavily pregnant. It has never impacted our friendship at all.

The importance of weddings fade very quickly once it’s been and gone. I wouldn't load this with too much emotion. Let her decide if she can come, she may be overwhelmed. Or change the date.

Op it is your wedding, and special day, don’t let this problem overshadow it. Be decisive and if it has to be that month then just remove her from the guest list and go with your original plan.

Tbh OP I think most brides/couples (whether they’d say it out loud or not) would be pretty irritated by being made to feel compelled to go on holiday, buy a new dress and suits, give a cash gift etc for their best friend within the same pay packet period as their own already-planned big wedding. You’re downplaying the ask on your guests by calling it eloping, it’s a destination wedding.

You could both have genuinely concentrated on her wedding.

Why is the friend's wedding more important?

But what if the summer holidays is when op wants to get married? Why should she have to pick another holiday because her friend acts like a jerk.

You're just being obtuse and now citing ageism, seriously give over. I'm not that young myself! 😜

But the friend's wedding isn't any more important than the OP's.

Why can't she plan her wedding in the month she wants/that works for her in just the same way as her friend did?

She'd have a tiny bit of a point if you were having a similar style wedding to her, with lots of the same people and if you were almost competing to upstage one another. But your wedding is not that, it couldn't be any more different. I don't know what her problem is other than being a bridezilla. You don't own a month, your wedding bubble, as someone described it, doesn't last 3 bloody weeks, you get married have a honey moon and back to reality. I'd be reconsidering what sort of friend she is.

My SIL got married two days before our wedding and we planned it for them! It was splendid having lots to celebrate. That was 40 years ago now. Things seem much more intense these days.

My sister lives thousands of miles away, we were limited to a particular month for my wedding and there is no way I wasn’t having my sister at my wedding.

This is going to be one of those rare threads where people will be 50/50. At the end of the day if you value your friendship, just say you didn't realise it would be an issue and ask her if there's anything specific she's worried about that you can reassure her about. I'd also have a conversation rather than do it over text. It is a bit strange the thought didn't occur to you imo but obviously you meant no harm about it and if you're both good friends hopefully all will sort itself out. All the best for your wedding 😊

Why did you tell her?

I would have let her think all about her wedding and once that were over, I'd have surprised her with the elopement.
An elopement is far fewer than 17 people.

You could both have genuinely concentrated on her wedding.

If you needed her to save the date, you could have called it somethng else - a special return from honeymoon get together weekend.
It is not a crime; she is being unreasonable but you have over burdened her in a way.

Why do others also know as well?
A true elopement has the element of secrecy.

You absolutely have doing nothing wrong. She’s behaving really badly. Sorry you have been made to feel awful about it all. Have a wonderful wedding day!

I imagine it’s incredibly tough financially. You could have discussed it with her

It is in the sense that only the 15 invited people needed to know OP was getting married. The friend made her tell everyone.

I would ask your friend what does she actually want?

Because you acted in good faith and n9ne of this was designed to be hurtful and now she's said she hurt you feel awful. So what does she want?

Edit: I can see how you'd be excited and also mildly annoyed but shes laid it all out now so what does good look like to her?

Yes, I understand that, I still find it a strange choice and I'm surprised there is no other time possible in the year for her to have her wedding. There are plenty of other school holidays etc.

That's a statement of fact - there is nothing to stress about. But, if you want to start with the passive ageism, then expect to get it batted back.

OP has explained that it has to be that month because of school holidays and other family commitments and financial benefits).
OP’s friend can always decline citing no annual leave.

It's not an elopement, 15 people are coming 🤣

OP, I think you're getting an unnecessarily hard time about this.

As others have said its not an elopement but I think you've used that word to illustartate that it's not an equally big do with the same level of commitment expense and expectation as hers? I don't think you've done it, as others have suggested, to make it sound 'edgy' or 'more exciting than it is'. Of course its exciting. Its your wedding, and she has no more right to get married in any particular month than you do.

You've said you organised it this way because of school holidays. Perfectly valid.

You only told other people it was happening because she encouraged you to and is now unhappy that people know.

RitaAndFrank's point about the planned order is valid. But, if your friend has organised her wedding for the last week in August, say, and you want to get married in the summer holidays, it's not left you much choice really if yours is first.

You've said a few times that her issue is with the weddings being in the same month. Would it have been less of an issue for her if they were 3 weeks apart but in different months do you think? Is this about her wanting August (or whatever month it is) to be her Wedding Month?

Ultimately, your wedding is as important to you as hers is to her. It doesn't matter whose was booked first or whose wedding is bigger. Nor how difficult it was to plan a big event.

15 years ago, I went to my brothers wedding and my then husband's best friend's wedding a week apart at the exact same venue. They were both beautiful events and the fact they were only a week apart and at the exact same place wasn't an issue.

Some people get so utterly ridiculous when it comes to weddings.

The friend could easily have chosen to see it as a lovely thing - that August (for arguments sake) could have become the month of weddings. Rather than her Wedding Month.
No one other than her and her immediate family is going to do anything other than turn up to two weddings in the same month. That's it. They won't really care unless they get caught up in the drama of it all.

And as for suggesting you should have asked her first... What would she have done? Vetoed your wedding plans? Would she have honestly said no, you can't get married in the same month as me? Or does she see it as a courtesy? Is the fact the wedding is in the same month less of an issue than the fact you didn't check it was ok with her first?

Did she check with you to see whether you were planning on getting imarried in that month before they started planning?

Ironic given you were the one being patronising saying there was nothing to stress about 🙄😆

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