Daughter doesn’t want me to take job offer

@xanthicWe cannot just say difficult teens all need a diagnosis and let them dictate to adults though! She’s got some responsibility too. Every single issue with challenging dc now is leading to a diagnosis and incredible tolerance from others. It’s not good enough. It’s not making sure dc take responsibility too.

Congratulations on the job. Don’t think for a second about not taking it. I would also stop lifts until she can show you some respect.

She is being a complete brat adhd or not! Honestly I would be taking the job and if she continues to throw a tantrum I’d be cancelling her membership!

Exactly.

Congratulations. At this age she’s not going to care about any of the things lots of people are saying she should, like your own well-being, etc, she’s just not. But she does need some boundaries put in place and right now you’re uncertain and she’s getting that vibe from you and knows you’re still undecided so she’s doing what she can. Make a decision, be very clear about your reasons and stand firm. Remind her who the parent is and of course she’s going to twist people’s words and infer they don’t want you to have the job - but clearly they do because they’ll pay you over a volunteer. By the way, the general rule is a volunteer shouldn’t be doing the work of a paid worker and I’m sure the volunteer can continue volunteering!

Don’t shout at her - ever - if you show such emotion it will fuel her anger. Calmly be firm with her.

Take the job and let her know, no need to give detailed explanation either.

These ND children cannot dictate someone’s life! Just too bad. Take the job.

I think you're being quite horrible to a child, actually.

You've said that she's in the middle of an ADHD assessment, so clearly there are some suspicions she is neurodivergent.

People with ADHD really struggle with looking after themselves and their environment. They don't choose to have executive dysfunction and to find task initiation so difficult: it's how their brains are wired. You suspect she has ADHD and yet you've referred disparagingly twice to her "filth". You've called her room "vile" and complained about the lack of care. "We take the phone off her and she just sits there all day and doesn’t lift a finger." Well, yes. Taking the first step to doing anything can be hard. Struggling to get started is a symptom of ADHD.

Emotional dysregulation and rejection sensitivity dysphoria are also common. So, not being able to express her feelings properly and being terrified everyone in the club is going to hate her when her mum starts working there is completely understandable. People with ADHD live with a different baseline of anxiety. Constantly being a bit anxious is their normal.

Depending on what type of ADHD, she might find that some kind of exercise helps her manage her mood better - if you're a gymnastic coach, it's not really a surprise that she's also quite athletic, and that gymnastics is a good outlet for her.

If you've been out of the game a long time, I do understand that getting a job as a coach is going to be difficult to turn down, as you can't just get an alternative job somewhere else. I do. But I don't understand why you think your daughter should attempt to understand that when you haven't put one tiny jot of effort into understanding her.

You complain about "pandering to her" and "I can assure she wasn't brought up like this". You basically dislike her and think she is bringing shame on you for being wired in the way she is. Well, assuming she's yours genetically, you made her. She can't help her genetics.

"She has it easier than most people." Well, no. The world is not built for neurodivergent people, and she's in a minority.

Being a teen is difficult. Add ADHD into the mix, and it's even harder.

I have ADHD, and I feel really really sorry for your child.

If you genuinely think she has ADHD, you have to stop treating her like she's neurotypical. You have to put some effort into understanding her differences, not judging her for those, and helping her develop coping strategies.

She can't help but think this change is going to make everyone hate her. What you can do is acknowledge her feelings, understand why her gut instinct is to panic in that way, and then help her rationalise why this change isn't actually going to ruin her life. You can't have a productive conversation by starting from a point of dismissing her feelings.

She probably works really hard to come across "as normal" when at school. This makes it even harder to manage her feelings at home. The fact that she has such wild mood swings at home shows that actually, on some instinctive level, she trusts you hugely. I'm sure it's not easy with a teen who is always having extreme emotional outbursts but that's the job as a parent. You deal with the good and the bad, and sometimes, there's a lot of bad!

Rather than have a go at her for her room being a mess, give her 30 minutes to do something small. It doesn't have to be tidying the whole room. Find some really small and obviously easy task like stack all the plates and put them on the desk. Encourage her to take a 10-minute break playing on her phone. Then, give her another 30 minutes and another specific and small task.

If it was possible to get another coach job elsewhere, I'd take it. But's a very niche job, you don't have any recent experience of it, and they don't grow on trees. I don't think you should turn it down. But if you were more accepting of your daughter's challenges (living with ADHD), perhaps she would be more understanding of yours (reentering the workplace in relation to your specialism).

Just try to see things from her perspective. Then, with that different view, try things differently with her, and help her to see your perspective.

You're sick of her? She makes you miserable?

You are deliberately pissing on her turf after all.

You avoided answering who actually pays for her gymnastics classes 5 days a week. Perhaps remind her of that and tell her you won’t be paying anymore.

ok sorry, you’ve only just answered that point. Well as above. Stop paying if her behaviour is so bad. All you’re really doing is rewarding her bad behaviour.

take the job and just make it a rule not to comment on her or get involved. As far as you’re concerned she’s just another teen. tell her you’ll stay out of her way and she should stay out of yours but screaming and stamping her feet isn’t the way forward

You want the job, you need the money, and you’re unhappy with what you’re doing now - run towards it. Opportunities don’t come along all the time - you’ll regret missing it

She doesn't have adhd. She's spoiled

Again she is manipulating you. If you give in she will do this again and again. You will gain her respect more in the long term by not caving. How dare she make out that others dont want you either. I am sure she is not privy to that level of information

@Theyulelog

"im sick of her though, she makes me miserable."

and yet you applied for a job at her club?

For a couple of hours on a weekend and £25 ~?

There's definitely more to this!

Take the job. She will survive.

Is your daughter in any kind of therapy or counselling? I can understand any adolescent being mortified that their parent will have a job where they frequent the same establishment, but this sounds like an extreme response. Bordering on unhinged! Sobbing all night and being consumed by it doesn’t seem normal to me.

She can't control her mother's job. Kid is already being emotionally and verbally abusive when she doesn't get her way.

Mom is qualified, has been offered the job, and needs the money to raise her family and provide things like, well, gymnastics.

Maybe it's time for a mental health assessment for her. It sounds like controlling OP's career isn't the only area of concern. She mentioned teachers and filth.

Just tell her it’s happening but ask her to write a list of ground rules or boundaries… like no talking to her while you’re there etc. Or that you aren’t allowed to comment on how she is at gymnastics at home - what happens at gym stays at gym. Give her back some control by asking her to write a list of ideas of how she wants to manage it.

Obviously, ignore her. Your biggest problem is that you have allowed her to turn into an entitled, shrieking monster who thinks she has a right to scream abuse at her mother.

Your daughter is 15. You think she has ADHD. She is having a tantrum like a toddler and does not want you to take this job.
Tell her that she is 15 years old and she needs to grow up as your taking this job as you need the money.
Tell her if she continues to act like a child you treat her like one. Tell her she not old enough for a mobile phone so you take that off her as well. Tell her she won't be getting money from you for clothes or for going out with friends either because you can no longer afford this without taking on that job.

The reality is that at 15 she will have GCSE soon and then A levels. She needs to accept that she won't get everything she wants. She also needs to accept that things won't always go her way either. She is going to find it very hard to leave home, going to college or going into the world of work unless she can cope with this.

You have to do what's best for you now as you need the money and to get back into this type of work. This job could led you back into a full time job in this area.

Is she getting treatment for her ADHD and anxiety? She's reacting so strongly that you should bring her to the dr for a review, she does sound a bit out of control.

You should take the job - you really want to, it opens up the opportunity of a potential full time job, and you need the money. As you say, you're not going to be coaching your daughter, you're not going to interact with her at all, she needs to learn to be a bit more resilient, and going through 'challenging' situations is a way to develop resilience.

@Theyulelog you can’t let her control the narrative here. She doesn’t know whether they want others to have the job, she is trying to put you off. I think if you don’t stand firm here, she will only get worse. It’s only the weekend and you can keep well away from her. I’m not unsympathetic to her at all, but giving in to her on this is not the answer.

I agree with this:
Try using this script with her more regularly: “It makes sense that you feel that way. I get it.”

She is in a rage, possible hormonal, and needs to calm down but does not yet have the maturity to calm herself.

you should take the job. She’ll get over it and sadly the world, or your finances don’t revolve around her. Once she grows up a bit she’ll understand even if she kicks off now