Daughter doesn’t want me to take job offer

My mum got a dinner lady job at my senior school in the 80s.
i said she’d ruined my life.
it was fine

Yes, teens can be horrible just because they're teens.

But you cannot expect a teen with ADHD to instinctively react the same way as a NT teen, especially if the teen with ADHD hasn't finished the assessment process and doesn't have an explanation for why they often feel the way they do.

All teens feel misunderstood. Now, imagine being a teen with a hidden health condition that hasn't been diagnosed and that makes you act a certain way. Of course, that's going to compound the usual teen angst.

I don't disagree that the teen needs to learn coping strategies. I just don't think the OP has tried to teach her any. She seems to acknowledge that her child is likely ND, but hasn't done anything to adapt her parenting style accordingly. You can't just shout at a teen with ADHD for having poor executive function. You have to help them find a way to better manage that. I agree that so many of the negative aspects of ADHD make holding down a permanent job difficult, and that's why the OP needs to work with her daughter to find ways of working around them.

There is a difference between someone who is lazy and someone who has ADHD. Shout at the former, and they might change their ways. Shout at the latter, and they'll just feel angry and inadequate, and even less likely to do anything about it.

Crucially, I don't think the OP should turn down the job. I just think she needs to understand her daughter's reaction, and help her process and come to terms with it.

I know it wasn't an attack on me, and honestly, you didn't have to apologise, but I do appreciate the kind response.

The point is, my ADHD comes with RSD, which means I take things far too personally sometimes. I can't help the natural reaction - my brain works that way. My go to response is 'everyone hates me, everyone thinks I'm stupid', and it's not usually the case. The fact that you didn't mean to upset me didn't stop me from feeling upset.

Now that I know I have ADHD, I can take steps to rationalise that. I can remove myself from a situation that is making me feel that way - like I did the other day by closing down the thread and getting on with my day. I have those kind of coping strategies. I can let go of the negative feeling, distract myself, and make sure I have enough distance and time to process before coming back.

As a teen, I had no idea why I felt like that. I had no explanation. I was a really angry, emotionally turbulent teen - obviously, being female was blamed for it. It's the go to explanation. She's just moody because she's on her period. Actually, I just had difficulty regulating and making sense of my emotions because of the way my brain is wired. I think if I'd known I'd had ADHD, and had coaching to understand and accept why I was the way I was, I'd have a been a lot nicer to my mum.

People with ADHD and without ADHD are both just people. All people are capable of good and bad - all children are capable of being well-behaved and naughty. But when it comes to things like task initiation, executive dysfunction and emotional dysregulation, I think teens with ADHD deserve to be a cut a break.

ADHD coaching and medication are wonderful things, and I think it's terribly unfair to judge someone with ADHD who hasn't experienced those against someone who is NT. I look back on all the things I was told off for as a child with regret - rarely was I actually being naughty. Most of the time, I just couldn't do the thing I was supposed to do, and I couldn't manage the way I felt about that.

My ADHD lets me do some really brilliant, really clever things, and that's why I have a high flying job. But it genuinely makes it hard for me to look after myself and my environment, which is why I outsource that (thankfully I earn enough to pay for that). It's one of many masking tools I have in place as an adult - paying for a cleaner means everyone thinks I'm organised and tidy. Or maybe I'm just some rich bitch outsourcing the tasks she doesn't want to do. Either way, they don't know I have ADHD, because I'm a pro at hiding it.

A teen girl with ADHD isn't going to be able to follow the same strategy of paying for a cleaner. She isn't going to benefit from being shouted at to clean more. But if the OP helped break down something as overwhelming as cleaning her room in a oner to doing one distinct tiny task in 15 minutes, that could help her start. You can't treat ND and NT kids the same - all that does is frustrate and upset them and you.

Medication isn't for everyone, but coaching makes the world of difference. It's available for people with ADHD and for people whose loved ones have ADHD. You have to remember that ADHD is generally treated as a disability due to the impact it has on your day to day life.

So many posters have interpreted this situation as a mum rightly yelling at her kid for being a lazy little shit. It's actually a mum yelling at her child for not being able to do something that her disability makes a million times harder to do. It's not impossible for the child, but it's difficult - and it could be a lot easier if the mum tried to understand her point of view and tried to help her come up with strategies for her specific disability.

There will be things your grandchild is absolutely brilliant at because of their ADHD. There will be things they suck at. I really hope that you recognise that, and help them accept that it's okay to have different strengths and weaknesses to most of their peer group, and give them creative ideas of how to approach the things that don't come naturally, rather than berate and judge them like the OP has been doing to her child.

Tell her you can’t afford for her to continue having gymnastics lessons unless you take this job.

Please take the job. If you don’t your DD will have learned that as long as she screams and screams until she feels sick she can control everything. And the miserable teenage years (for you) will last even longer.

its short term pain for long term gain OP.

Unless you will need to teach her directly, the impact on her will be minimal. It's time to train your daughter that she doesn't get to have a say on matters that don't affect her.

@xanthic - I'm sorry you didn't like what I said but I am not sorry for saying it. My lived experience as the mother of someone with ADHD is relevant to the thread. I had a DD who was difficult as a teen - not all of it was down to her ADHD or her other ND issues - there are several - some of it was down to being a teenager. Teens push their luck and manipulate whether they are ND or not and it does no one any favours to ignore it. Arguably the person most disadvantaged is the teen themselves as they need to learn what is and isn't acceptable in society. No employer is going to tolerate that sort of behaviour in the workplace when things don't go their way. Better they learn that in the "safe space" of the home than on the receiving end of a P45.

If the coaches thought that , you wouldn’t have been offered the job
they know she is your dd and still offered the role

she is a spoilt brat (sorry)

jobs pay bills

if she can’t cope with it tell her she can stop gym

you won’t be teaching her

Sounds like you have fallen into the trap of being her friend rather than her parent, just tell her that’s what you are going to do.

@xanthic Interesting about hearing. A friend is pretty deaf and refused to get a hearing aid for years. Dementia now. Wasn’t really interested in hearing anyone. DH has some hearing issues and I do tell him to concentrate on what people are saying! It’s vital. So, those who might have issues that affect their lives, and the lives of others, they can do something to help themselves. Plus it’s being considerate and kind to others.

To me it’s a partnership. DD isn’t the only one that matters here. Why is she preventing joy for her DM? She needs to be told why it’s important for DM. I tell my DH to listen carefully and concentrate if he wants to participate in life. Making an effort matters. Not making an effort can have dire consequences

Take the job. She can quit and save you a fortune if that's what she chooses to do.

I run her to and from that club five days a week, up and down like a sodding yogo to facilitate it all and also pay for it and it’s not cheap.

if I say I don’t have the money for xyz, she goes on about how poor we are, moans about the type of car we have (it’s a four year old mokka)
im miserable

I'd quit running around after her like a blue-arsed fly for a start.

Take the job. Avoiding her won't be any hardship for you, by the sounds of things.

Hi xanthic, I'm truly sorry if my response has upset you. As I understand it, Mumsnet is a forum for discussion and opinions and advice as we see things as individuals. I would never expect everyone to agree with me as I often don't agree with other posters. I truly believe that ND children have the ability to be naughty for want of a better word, and that trying to define the difference between simply being naughty and the behaviour being a reaction to the condition is a very very grey area, and I feel for any parent trying to distinguish the difference, I say this as a grandparent of a child with ADHD. I do stand by my response, It was not an attack on you, again I am sorry if I have upset you

Look, things are miserable without you following your dream OP. You need something in your life and you can't pander to ADHD completely. She needs to learn that not everything is going to go her way. Because one day she'll be an adult and on her own.

Stop talking to her about it. Tell her you need the money to keep sending her and if she's not happy then she can quit and stay home. Let her tantrum.

If you cave now it'll just get worse.

You need something that makes you happy because parenting a kid with SN grinds you down otherwise.

Yeah this isn’t adhd. She sounds like an absolute brat.

I was your daughter once, and I still the shame now 35+ years later, my Mum applied for a job as a dinner lady in my high school, the one's who work serving the school dinners etc. I was mortified and told her she couldn't possibly take the job, how embarrassing it would be for me etc. I will never forget her face when I said this, of course at the time I still thought I was right, I was a selfish 14 year old teenager.

My Mum didn't take the job and eventually something came along for her which she loved. However when I 'grew up' and matured slightly I realised how wrong I was and I felt awful, I apologised so much to my Mum who held no grudge but quite rightfully did tell me how much I had hurt her feelings.

Take the job OP, explain to your daughter the need to do so, she will survive and will I'm sure one day 'get it'.

I would tell her the gymnastics has to stop because you can't afford it.

@TizerorFizz I'm not the one who said she needed a diagnosis. The OP said she was in the middle of one, so someone has suspected it, and the girl has passed at least the gateway screening questions.

Some teens are just difficult.

Some teens have ADHD.

Some teens are difficult and have ADHD.

ADHD obviously isn't a free pass to do what you like, but it is a reason for certain behaviours, and it can't be dealt with in the same way you would deal with someone who was neurotypical.

It's a bit like telling someone off for not listening to you when they're quite deaf. Sometime has to change - maybe they get a hearing aid. Maybe you communicate more in writing and/or both learn BSL. But blaming them for not being able to hear is futile and unkind.

Someone who has full hearing and is just ignoring you? Yes, tell them off.

People are not the same. Children are not the same. Your children might look like you, they might act a bit like you, but they are not carbon copies of you as a child.

When you are a teen, you are trying to find your place in the world and figure out who you are. That is incredibly hard if you are neurodivergent. You don't understand why you react the way you do, and why that's not seen as normal.

And you know, because I have a diagnosis, I understand myself more. I feel that posters like @GrumpyExpat, @Londonmummy66 and @fambae (among others!) are being incredible dismissive and rude of neurodiversity, and I feel personally attacked and upset. I also know logically that is a disproportionate reaction, they actually don't give a toss what I think, they probably didn't actually mean to upset me and were just trying to argue their own points. So, I'm going to close this thread and come back to it later, when that initial intense feeling of upset has passed, and I'm able to regulate the way I feel.

I can't help getting upset. I can help how I deal with it. I can close the thread. That's a strategy in itself.

Sometimes just knowing that your gut feeling is the ADHD and not you is enough to keep you calm. In the past, I'd have probably stayed on this thread arguing while upset - doesn't add to the discussion and isn't beneficial for anyone.

If it turns out that the teen is completely neurotypical and whoever referred for her for an assessment is wrong, and the teen is actually just a neutotypical brat than a neurodivergent girl struggling, fine, I'm the one who's making too many allowances here. But, nothing the OP has said has suggested that's the case.

It's not that 'everyone has ADHD these days'. It's that no one noticed so many of us had it in the past. Girls hide it better - I suspect part of it is down to social conditioning and an even greater desire than boys to be quiet and fit in.

OP, your daughter sounds absolutely pathetic. I’d have tried to sell it on the positives - lifts to and from work, no paying for food, etc., but she sounds like a brat. Time for her to move in with her dad to be honest.

@Theyulelog I feel for you this is a difficult situation .
Is she able to live with her dad ? It may just be the space you both need .
I genuinely don’t know what I’d do in your shoes.

Take the job, reiterate that you will have no need to see or talk to her, and continue to explain that her hobby is expensive, the alternative being she will need to put it on hold until she's old enough to get a Saturday job and pay for it herself. I would not be knocking myself out working to pay for her hobby if she's being a brat, suspected ADHD or not.
Londonmummy66 sums it up much more nicely then me, but the gist is the same, don't give in, your doing her no favours.

I have an ADHD DD who is now nearly 23 and has become a lovely young lady. However we had the teenage strops and an awful lot of woe is me. They are teenagers writ large I'm afraid. So I just want to hold out some hope - once the teenage angst etc has passed they can turn out lovely in the end. In the meantime you have to remember that even the best teenagers (let alone the hyped up ADHD ones) have moments where they behave like toddlers and rather more moments when they believe that the world revolves around them. You are doing your DD no favours in life if you don't disabuse her of that notion. Imagine her thinking she could throw a strop to get out of having to photocopy a just stack of documents when she starts work.....

So ignore the performances - yes she's upset but not crying all night upset, that is intended to manipulate you. Tell her calmly that you understand she isn't keen on the change but that you WILL be taking the job. You have put your love of gymnastics on hold to parent her for the last 15 years and now it is your time to rekindle your career in that field. She is no longer a baby but an almost adult and your life no longer revolves entirely around her needs. Tell her that you are no longer prepared to discuss whether you will take the job or not but that if she can sit down like an almost adult you are prepared to discuss groundrules for when you are both at the gym. I would also tell her how disappointed you are in her current behaviour - the filth, the disrespect etc and explain (again very calmly) that her behaviour is going to have consequences going forward in terms of paying for her phone/giving her lifts to the gym etc - and then follow through with that.

And I agree with a PP - the safe space stuff is nonsense she's picked up at school - they all say it and it is better not to pander to the delicate little flowers on that one as it undermines and belittles those who really do need one.

@xanthic
My eyes honestly can’t help but roll a bit reading this.
My daughter has ADHD, and so does my niece—quite severely. Both of them have been known to throw some pretty big tantrums. As a family, we try to stay calm and consistent by using a “grey rock” approach, saying things like, “When you’re ready to talk calmly, we’ll be here,” or “The bigger the tantrum, the less likely you are to be heard.”
ADHD doesn’t make a child (or adult) manipulative by nature, but it also doesn’t make them incapable of manipulative behavior. Sometimes ADHD kids act impulsively or react emotionally without thinking it through — which is different from calculated manipulation. But just like neurotypical kids, they can also learn what “works” to get their way (like guilt-tripping or throwing a tantrum).

Does she need counseling? Probably.
Does she need more empathy and support? Absolutely.

But none of that means her behavior should automatically be seen as typical of ADHD—or excused because of it.

Take the job.

She is manipulating you, don't let her. Take the job and see how it goes.