Unfair Grandparent Gifts

But I’m not asking you whether they are free to spend their money as they wish. I know you think that.

I’m asking you how the fact that the GPs have given the smaller gift to all the GCs bar one, including the sibling of the favoured child, fits with your idea - the one you’ve just been putting forward and which was the point of my response - that the GPs actions have got something to do with their feelings about the OP.

Something tells me I’m not going to get an answer to that.

Who knows? Maybe there's been a family rift.

Either way, I still believe PILs - and people in general - are free to spend their money and time how and where they wish.

You don't have to agree with me.

Again, it is their choice. Nothing to do with right or fair.

I’m not holding my breath for @Famallama to answer me!

There’s so much context missing here. DGPs bought only one of the cousins a very expensive gift but the reason was that gift was a horse. They shared a hobby with that grandchild and the grandchild had progressed to a place where they couldn’t go further without a better horse. None of the other grandchildren chose to ride. They all still got lovely gifts but the horse was clearly an outlier in terms of cost. There were no bad feelings from anyone.

A good point, @eastegg - I wonder if anyone can explain how, in the absence of exceptional need/circumstances, it is right or fair to give one sibling £2000 and the other £40,000.

Leaving aside the fact that this is pure speculation, maybe ponder on this nugget from the actual facts:

The favoured child’s own sibling has turned 18 and received the smaller gift along with all the other GC.

Is that a reflection of the GPs’ feelings about the OP as well?

Tbf though, gifts do represent feelings and how we value the people in our lives.

i will spend more and take more time buying for people i love.

you wouldn’t get your 15 year old a £20 voucher for their birthday and tell them to be grateful they got anything.

my nieces and nephews all get roughly the same for birthdays and Christmas, graduations, significant events.

you wouldn’t get someone you barely knew - say a child of a friend of your parents- an extravagant gift far exceeding family budget. you wouldn’t spend £50 on a classmate’s birthday, though you might on your mum.

As a giver gifts and value do translate into a hierarchy- giving one grandchild a car and another £20 definitely sends the message that you are lower on the list.

'Blatant favouritism ' or just 'the PILs choice'?

The OP has been reassured that she's not being unreasonable based on the info given and I'm clearly in the minority with this opinion, so why don't we agree to disagree?

But it isn’t just the OP’s DC! It’s that they favour one grandkid over all the others. Blatant favouritism.

You seem to want to make out that it’s all about the OP when it clearly isn’t.

It's not that I don't see it, I just don't agree.

Relationships are complex and for whatever reason it sounds like the PILs don't want to spend their time and money on the OP's kids.

Whether there's backstory to that, only she knows.

Indeed, me too. I wonder if that poster is a grandparent who plays favourites and is feeling defensive about it. They’re weirdly invested in defending the OP’s PIL.

A question I too struggle with, @LarkspurLane.

Expecting grandparents to treat all grandchildren the same is really not high expectations. It's just what a family should do. How can you fail to see that?

Yeah OP, lower your expectations to expect your childrens grandparents to treat all their grandchildren equally.
What a joke of a response.

How can you fail to see that it's your 'high expectations about how you and your DC are treated' that led you to posting here in the first place?

Lower your expectations a bit and you might be a little less fuming.

Take care.

I understand, OP. YANBU but people who haven't experienced this probably won't get it.
PIL's have favoured DH's sister his entire life. It's DH they have always leant on for emotional and practical support, but SIL is the one who has always been showered with affection, gifts and praise while DH grew up being largely ignored. DH is very stoic about it all, he never knew any different afterall. He also says he's glad in a way because it taught him to be self-sufficient and resourceful from an early age.

Unfortunately, PIL's favouritism has extended to their GC and this is what DH finds hurtful. His Dsis's DC are showered with expensive gifts and experiences such as days out and holidays at every opportunity (PIL are wealthy) and this is never extended to our DC. One example of many, the last time we spent Christmas Day with them DN got a massive pile of gifts from PIL including a new phone, designer perfume, expensive trainers and jewellery. DD who is a similar age got a teddy bear. It was so awkward, the whole family sitting there watching DN tear into this enormous pile of gifts while DD was there with her teddy. Because DD has been raised to be polite and grateful she smiled, thanked PIL and bless her, did a pretty good job of pretending she had completely failed to notice the ludicrous disparity between her and DN. DN, on the other hand was pissed off that the trainers were the 'wrong' colour but that's beside the point.

It's not about the money. We don't need anyone to provide nice things for our DC, we can do that ourselves. It's about how that kind of favourtism makes a child feel. Like they matter less, like they've done something wrong or they're not good enough. Well, DH and I aren't prepared for our DC to feel that way, especially DH who grew up being made to feel like that. So we have taken a big step back from PIL and I don't regret it at all.

But that would be punishing the children because of what they perceive as the OP’s ‘entitlement’. And it isn’t just her DC who are being marginalised in favour of the golden grandchild, so it doesn’t really explain what’s going on here.

There’s also no way of knowing whether the PIL are even aware of how the OP feels. She’s gone out of her way to persuade her DC it isn’t happening, after all.

Not necessarily that they don't like her, but are aware of - and don't appreciate - the expectation on her part.

YANBU My mother was always scrupulously fair with the grandchildren but then I would say she was also always fair with my sister and I. If she bought for one she bought for them all. She was my children’s only grandparent. I know my sister’s in laws have a favourite grandchild (the golden child of the golden child) and it’s not one of my sister’s dc. It’s very hurtful to see them treated like this especially as my sister does so much for them. More than anyone else does really.

I would take a step back and let the golden child see to them in their old age.

Are you suggesting that the grandparents spent less on OP's children because they don't like her?

Sorry this has been happening to you and your DC. It is truly dreadful. Shitty behaviour from shitty people.

I've hardly been 'determined to lay into her'. Just offered an alternative perspective, which we don't have to share.

This is a forum after all. I'm sure she's validated that the majority of people don't think she's being unreasonable.

I'm just not one of them.