Unfair Grandparent Gifts

How certain are you that the 40k present is actually fully paid for by them? For example, if it’s a car, it could be that they paid a deposit and the child or child’s parents are funding the rest. Is that perhaps why you’re being so cagey about what the present is? Because you don’t want reasoned arguments from anyone on mumsnet?
Be 100% sure of the facts before you act on this / build up resentment.

Oh and of course the GPs don’t have an obligation to be fair - but if that’s the road they’ve gone down, neither do the recipients.

It’s not that the relationship is transactional, it’s more that if my grandparent showed that they valued me less than my cousin, I wouldn’t feel inclined to spend time with them. They’re the ones who have placed an unequal value on the relationship after all.

I do think parent having a favourite child is very different to a grandparent having a favourite GC,
For example, lots of people (most?) are closer to one gp than others- it doesn’t mean they don’t love or value their other gp.

OP's DH has obviously had enough of his parents treating him and his sister so differently (which also extends to one of his sister's children). His sister gets invited on holidays that her parents have paid for and one of her children receives a £40k birthday gift. OP's DH just get asked to do jobs around their house. He is being perfectly reasonable to say no. They are obviously very wealthy so could afford to employ someone to clear out their attic or they can ask the golden child, OP's sister, to do this for them.

As parents and grandparents you can have favourites and even shower them with gifts, money and holidays but you can't expect the less favoured children and grandchildren to be happy with this and to expect your relationship with them to be undamaged.

I can see the point you're trying to make, but this isn't the situation here. I can imagine one child being left a house causing stress and upset. I'm sorry that happened in your family.

But in this instance all grandchildren got something, but one got more than the others.

How that person - and the other grandchildren - feel about this, we don't know.

We just know the OP is fuming and wants to tell the elderly PIL to f* off. And leave them to clear out their attic on their own as a punishment.

A few posts here read as if time and support is given on a transactional basis.

'You gave me/kids/grandchildren a gift worth £xxxx, so in return I will/won't clear your attic etc.'

I certainly don't see life that way and feel sorry for those that do.

There’s no way I would be encouraging my children to spend any time with a grandparent who showed that they didn’t think much of them in comparison to the favoured one.

I think that’s really short sighted (and an example of cutting off the nose to spite the face).
I adore my granny and she loves me. Wouldn’t be without that relationship for the world. I’m not the favourite grandchild, there’s clearly one favoured cousin, but the particular closeness of their relationship , doesn't need to get in the way of our relationship. The two things are separate. Some people are closer to others and those relationships go both ways. Thats just the reality of life imv.

@Tandora and that’s fine for you - personally I am a fair person and would never show favouritism between grandchildren.

I hear about family rifts on here sometimes and wonder how they come about and then read posts like this and think “well yes”.

There’s no way I would be encouraging my children to spend any time with a grandparent who showed that they didn’t think much of them in comparison to the favoured one. You reap what you sow in life.

of course they are not obliged to provide support, but personally I think it’s a bit petty to refuse to help your elderly parents clear their attic because they only gave your DC a 2k gift when they gave another a 40k one.

It astounds me how people think this is unfair, life is too short to worry about things like this, I wouldn't treat my children, grand children like this, but at the same time I don't have any expectations from parents / grand parents, it's their money, they can do with it as they wish, same way I can with my own money.

In that same thought then the other grandchildren have no ‘obligation of fair’ back to their grandparents. No need to offer support & time spent back if it’s ok for the grandparents to choose where they offer their time & support.
& of course it will affect the other grandchildren. This train of thought just makes you sound like most grandchildren would hate you- I would

Her Sil, brother in law & chosen nephew can do that when they come back from their paid for holiday from the grandparents/parents. Support & appreciation go both ways. Just because they’re older doesn’t make them nice people or worthy of support. They’ve clearly shown that

It astounds me how many people seem to think they would just shrug this level of unfairness off.

I don’t understand why it’s GP’s obligation to be “fair” though? Their GC are not their financial responsibility? It’s lovely that they choose to give them all gifts- all of significant value it seems. If they choose to give particularly expensive gifts to one, surely that is their prerogative, and why/ how does it negatively affect the others?

Op you are not wrong. Totally understand what you’re saying. I would feel the same

i 100% would call them out on it and ask directly why they did it and how they think it’s ok and what message sends the other gc. Of course it’s their money and can do what they like with it, but I’d be having nothing more to do with them

I hate this favouritism in families

So the son & grandchildren have a choice to not want to spend time with or help out the grandparents then. Support & appreciation go both ways. Why is it the grandparents can treat everyone except a chosen few of the family like dirt but everyone in the family has to dote on them nevertheless.

Good- I’m glad your husband told them no he won’t waste his time helping them. Please stand up to these Pil - they sound awful & controlling of the family.

If this blatant favouritism has been going on for so long why are you still so invested in this relationship and why are you doing so much to facilitate it rather than your DH. As soon as you realised your children were being treated as second class grandchildren your DH should have put boundaries in place.
Now is probably the time to take a step back and let your DH handle his family and the dynamics that go with it. I doubt whatever you say to them is going to change anything.

They’re singling that grandkid over his sibling, as well as the other grandkids, so it clearly is blatant favouritism. I really don’t see how it can be seen in any other way. Very hurtful to the other sibling.

What will be really interesting to observe is the value of the 18th birthday gift for GC numbers 7, 8 and 9. That should clarify if this is down to a change in their financial circumstances or totally just singling out 1 GC as a favourite!

It astounds me how many people seem to think they would just shrug this level of unfairness off. I would be so angry and hurt if my in laws so blatantly favoured one grandchild over the others. In fact I do think my in laws slightly favour their two grandchildren from the golden child (BIL) but they are always scrupulously fair when it comes to birthdays and Xmas and they even insisted on showing us their will, showing an even 4 way split between the four grandchildren.

I know they favour their others partly because we live overseas so naturally they are closer with their home turf ones. But there were quite a few comments when they were smaller - including once where we offered to pay for them to have a holiday home where we live so they could spend half a year here and they said they would “miss the other grandchildren too much” (ouch!).
But financially they have always both been fair and have gone out of their way to be seen to be fair.

Not sure this is your business. Has it affected your children?

Sorry if this has already been addressed, haven’t read full thread comments, but do the child’s parents have significantly different financial circumstances to the rest of you? For example, have the grandparents given a gift that also helps out the parents financially eg a car?

@Tandora Another wind up poster?!

They didn’t Op has explained several times about the dynamics ; grandparents favourite child now has the favourite grandchild.
Clearly ongoing, as the brothers family are going on holiday with grandparents and Ops DH is doing work for them

Also they didn’t “only” get £2k as if thats that’s the problem. One child and one only got singled out for a £40k gift.

That must be so hurtful, not only to your children but to yourself as a reminder of the favouritism that you affected you as a child. Really sorry that they’ve done that.