Unfair Grandparent Gifts

As the kids are getting older are they all maintaining contact independently with their grandparents?
I'm not saying that should be a reason for favouring but it might be something of an explanation.
My siblings, cousins and I stopped being baby sat by / taken to my grandparents around the time we started secondary school.
I was the the only one who continued to visit independently and continued to do so until they passed away in my 30s.
I was clearly their favourite, but my grandma still insisted that we all got equal right up until she died. After she died though my grandad gifted me more than them. The issue came when he changed his will so that I inherited much more. My siblings and cousins were great about it and understood why. They refused my attempts to redistribute but I felt bad.
Just wondering if it might be something like that? Personally I will always keep things equal with my kids and any future gc to prevent this kind of bad feeling

The people who see no problem with this type of behaviour from a grandparent are being obtuse. Of course this is going to cause hurt within the family.

I suspect that the only reason why your SIL raised it was that her older child was very unhappy about the situation.
I was surprised that so many posters were pestering you about what exactly it was. It doesn’t matter at all. It’s about their attitude. And it doesn’t matter if other GC are upset or not, their parents are welcome to post on MN about their feelings if they want.
I also think that actually milestone expensive gift is much more noticeable and makes favouritism much more obvious. No GC is sitting and counting how many times GPs took him and his cousin to a zoo. But if one got a bicycle for his 18th birthday and another a new car - the difference is pretty obvious.
I think your DH is right to be upset, no one saying that he should abandon his parents for this but 18 y.o. DN is perfectly capable of clearing the attic and should be the first point of call for this.

I didn’t say gifts express love in proportion to their financial value. That’s your suggestion.

I know, but you say gifts are often an expression of love, so on my point about it coming across as 20 x more love (an enormous amount more), what do you say to that?

I don’t think anyone would think anything of it if at all, if it were a step cousin. Step - Sibling a few people would think general (small) gifts should be equal (but again hardly anyone says GP have equal obligations to bio GC and Step siblings when it comes to real money) and even with gifts and siblings, no way the majority would have an issue like on this thread.

i wonder if o/p’s child had been a stepsibling whether the tread would have been different.

many times we see threads where stepsiblings are treated differently to biological GC, and the general consensus is it’s a terrible thing to do.

Likewise, but we're definitely in the minority with that opinion!

Honestly I’d have been delighted if I had GP who gave me 2k on my 18th birthday. Or at any time 🤣. Even if I also had a cousin who got more. Really I would. Def wouldn’t want to fall out with them over jealousy.

Yes - unequally which is appalling

Yes, truly awful people who give thousands of pounds to their grandchildren as gifts.

Because, as OP has said with many examples, her DH's parents are shitty people.

YANBU .. massively unfair and divisive- but don’t just take the British go to option of saying nothing and silently seething . I would ask them why there is such disparity and do they realise how hurtful this is to other GC ? What you got to lose ? If they never speak to you again not much lost !

What are you doing gaslighting your children?
They probably know there are favourites and you deny it.
Whats the point of that?
This is on their grandparents.
I never understand forcing a relationship that isn't good for your children.

Far healthier to make these people unimportant to your children and keep them on the far periphery of their lives if at all.

That is protecting your children, not lying to them.

As adults they will know the truth and that you lied to them.

As retribution for the more expensive gift they got nephew

Yep. And quite rightly. If the GP think so little of the OPs family why would the OPs family possibly go out of their way to help them.

whilst love isn’t supposed to be transactional, when someone makes it clear that they value you less, you believe them. And adapt your behaviour accordingly.

Then why withdraw the offer to clear the loft?

That makes no sense as there was no financial reward for DH.
His kids had already got the 18th birthday £2k in previous years.

I don't agree. To me it reads as 'I'll do what you ask so long as there's a financial reward' and the offer to clear the attic has been withdrawn because the PILs have behaved as the OP and her husband expect.

Thanks for the clarification RE asking if that other poster was okay.

The reality is DH might not clear his parents house because his efforts so far haven’t been appreciated. He is not punishing them but addressing his own needs.

It’s stupid to repeat the same behaviour and expect a different result.

Asking “are you ok” is rude because it suggests something they said means they aren’t well.
I’m sure the poster is perfectly well but just finds flaws in your comments.

But they also got the other GP an expensive gift!!!

Well indeed! So applying that to this situation, to some it may look as if the GPs are expressing love x 20 to one GC.

Haven’t you just answered the question about what’s wrong with what the GPs have done?

Really? I didn’t get that from this thread? I thought it was more about the fact that one of the DC got an insanely expensive 18th bday present , whereas the other cousins just got a very expensive one.

As it doesn't sound as though OP's DH gets anything from his parents, unlike his sister, so no expressions of love or desire to bring to bring him joy, expecting him to clear out their attic which hardly falls into the category of an expression of love is pretty cheeky.

They have no right to be furious.

Hmm. Giving gifts can be transactional, but often it’s more than that- an expression of love, desire to bring a person you care about a little bit of joy etc.