I feel sick… handhold needed please

You poor thing. I am thinking of you.
I think you need two things:

1. Visit to a Sexual Health clinic. You will get answers more quickly and they will be really supportive of this deeply upsetting situation you find yourself in.
2. A therapist. You have such a lot of feelings here - feelings that you were taken advantage of in the most awful way, but also guilt and shame (which you don't deserve, but are there in your post). This is becoming, perhaps, paranoia, dominating your thoughts. You need support to talk through what happened, examine your dominating thoughts (this is not your fault, you have no reason to be ashamed). It is very very likely that the STI tests will be negative, I hope, but at the moment all your anxiety, shame, and fear is fixating on the tests. Once you have answers on the STI part (hopefully that you are clear), you will still need somewhere for all these feelings to go.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've been there multiple times and it's a horrible, horrible experience. Keep talking about it if/when you can. They are just intrusive thoughts and they will go away! Keep being kind to yourself.

I was diagnosed with OCD at 31 during my second pregnancy and suddenly it made more sense. Try to self refer for talking therapies if its offered in your area and you are able to, or speak to your GP/Mental Health Practitioner when you are ready.

Hand holding. Intrusive thoughts are horrendous. If someone took advantage then it is definitely not on you, and all on them. I'm really glad your husband is being supportive. If you can get some therapy to get you through this then that might be an idea for the short term, but also for the longer term too, to explore what is leading to such persistant intrusive thoughts. Sending big hugs xx

I agree with @JLou08 - you could get so much reassurance from a face to face STI clinic. They are used to dealing with worried people (the “worried well” in my case.) I had a scare in 2022 after my then partner told me he’d had unprotected threesomes with men and women in hotels. At the time only online tests were available because of Covid and monkeypox, but everything came back negative thank goodness. It was within a week too, by text.

If you are open to going to the sexual health clinic there will be staff there that you can talk this through with as well as get quicker results. They are really kind, understanding and non-judgemental. They will know where you can go for further support. It sounds like you need more than these test results, although that may put your mind at rest or protect your physical health they may not address the emotional support you need.

What is it you’re afraid of?

There’s nothing that can’t be overcome.

As PP mentioned at least 95% of people are good, kind people who will look out for others on nights out.

It’s good that you recognise these as intrusive thoughts. I experienced similar in the 90s during the AIDS pandemic. It is worth looking at the UK OCD website to see how common these types of thoughts are. It’s also actually better that you’ve waited so long that absolutely everything can be tested for in one go. Is there any way you can distract yourself until the results come back?

I’m glad you have his support. He sounds like a good and kind man.

I think you posted about this before?

Sexual assault is never your fault.

If you're doing a postal test, you usually get the kit within days and the results within a week after posting. It won't take long.

Fwiw in-person STI clinics are faster and very understanding about these worries and situations.

I really hope for you that the tests are clear and that nothing happened to you (though appreciate the tests don't necessarily give you an answer to that)

Bear in mind though that if you came across a man or woman too drunk to know what they were doing, the chances are you'd check they were ok and get them some water and make sure they could get home ok, wouldn't you? So please remember that if anything happened it's entirely on the other person. Being drunk is not an invite, it's quite the opposite to any reasonable human being.

Intrusive thoughts are the absolute worst!! It’s good that you can talk to your husband about how you’re feeling.

I’m sure the STD test will put your mind at rest. Remember, If someone took advantage of you when you were drunk they are the bad person, not you, but the chances are nothing happened.

I can only offer love and support. What an awful thing, I truly hope that it turns out ok. Might be worth some short term therapy to help you to work through these thoughts and feelings.

Sending sympathy and hugs to you. Been there myself. Get some counselling if possible because intrusive thoughts breed paranoia and shame and then you're in a vicious circle. I hope your partner is being understanding. You will find good support here (and hopefully no judgement).