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Original poster

When your partner isn’t part of your friend group….

30 replies

Mrloner · 29/07/2025 12:41

My husband and I just moved from London to his home town up north. I do have my own friends as I play a sport that’s very social.

His friend groups goes back years together and most seem to have met their partner at school or uni, so the partners are long standing parts of the friend group. I am comparatively very new and haven’t met everyone yet (we had overseas tiny wedding).

My husband does include me in lots and lots of the groups plans, but occasionally something comes up where just the friend group is invited.

I was a bit sad at the weekend when he went to what I assumed was guys’ dinner, for a friend’s birthday (at said friend’s house) and then saw photos which had partners in it. Similarly I’ve had the same with mixed groups of men and women, but I’ve not been invited. Again rare but it happens.

DH did explain that at the weekend dinner gathering there was limited seating and only close friends were invited.

I’m not annoyed at the event itself (I was a bit sad) but wondered what was reasonable in such situations? I don’t expect to be taken everywhere with him but I am curious to know what people think it reasonable in such circumstances. I can’t imagine being out with a mixed group and not inviting DH along, or asking the host if I could.

The other side of it also being that DH is absolutely entitled to want and have space with his friends without me, but often that friend group does include people’s partners and/or other female friends. Again this has so rarely come up but I expect it will.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrloner · 29/07/2025 13:22

I think it’s grown over many years so the concept of the original friends is a bit blurred.

But presumably they became part of the group by being invited to things!

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 29/07/2025 13:16

It’s some partners but not others, because the partners who are there are considered good friends. It changes the dynamics of a group, whatever the sex of the people involved, when partners are around, and it’s reasonable for a group of friends to somebody’s want to spend time together without all the partners. If they invite you to lots of things and you have a healthy separate social life of your own, I really wouldn’t be making a big deal of not being invited to everything. For one thing, do you really want a duty invitation which is only being offered by people who’d rather you weren’t tagging along on that occasion because you’ve asked DH to ask for you to be invited?

ThatRoseDeer · 29/07/2025 13:15

If the original friendship were just meeting up, then that’s fine.
But if partners are invited and you’re being left out, then I would feel hurt.
It’s down to your DH to be firmer when making these plans…. ‘Are partners coming? Yes? Then I’ll bring x’ He’s allowing you to be left out…

Original poster
Mrloner · 29/07/2025 13:12

ComtesseDeSpair · 29/07/2025 13:06

Does the group include partners; or does it include people of both sexes who are all friends, some of whom happen to be couples? There’s a difference, and in this case it seems to be the latter.

DH and his friends include you in “lots and lots” of the group plans. It’s not unreasonable that a group of close friends wouldn’t include all partners in absolutely everything they do. You need to develop more friendships of your own which aren’t connected to DH, and each of you have some social time which doesn’t involve the other - that’s perfectly healthy and good for everyone, living in each other’s pockets and always socialising with each other can get very cloying. Expecting that DH ask the host if you can be invited to something you weren’t, when he might actually himself be looking forward to a night just with his friends, is likely to cause frustration between you.

Edited

I supposed the partners were once just partners but have since become part of the friend group.

We have very healthy social lives separately and I don’t mind that, but a mixed group gathering with some partners but not others , feels different to me. It might just be me though!

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 29/07/2025 13:06

Does the group include partners; or does it include people of both sexes who are all friends, some of whom happen to be couples? There’s a difference, and in this case it seems to be the latter.

DH and his friends include you in “lots and lots” of the group plans. It’s not unreasonable that a group of close friends wouldn’t include all partners in absolutely everything they do. You need to develop more friendships of your own which aren’t connected to DH, and each of you have some social time which doesn’t involve the other - that’s perfectly healthy and good for everyone, living in each other’s pockets and always socialising with each other can get very cloying. Expecting that DH ask the host if you can be invited to something you weren’t, when he might actually himself be looking forward to a night just with his friends, is likely to cause frustration between you.

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