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Original poster

DH and I agreed to ttc soon but I’m getting cold feet!

35 replies

Imnotsurewhattodobaby2 · 29/07/2025 10:27

I may be overthinking this but I’m starting to get cold feet and doubts about ttc soon. We already have a (almost) 3 year old but have both always wanted a second. I’m starting to feel like perhaps I’m not ready. I’ve spoken to close friends about to and have heard different opinions.

I’m 31 in September, DH has just turned 34.

I feel unorganised, overweight, that I want to change things about myself before having another DC. I have suddenly felt like I should try and travel more, study and we’ve spoken about moving to a bigger place. I’ve been told by friends with 2 kids that it’s basically impossible to get anything done. In the same breathe i feel like 4 years would be a great age gap for children. At 31 I’m in my prime time for babies.

I spoke to close friends last night and one told me that she would absolutely go for it now, make better choices with food and exercise during pregnancy and work on my weight more after having both the kids. She thinks have a baby now in our smaller home with lower mortgage and then move. She has a 3 year age gap and said it’s lovely, and that maybe if I pushed it and waited for a few more years then a 6/7 year age gap would be harder. This is also DH’s opinion.

My other friend said if I’m not ready completely then to wait, I’m only 31 so have years left of fertility. Do the things that will be harder to do with 2 kids now and focus on moving then have a baby when my DC is about 5-6. Mortage would be more expensive as a bigger home so hit us more when I go on maternity leave

Every time a friend announces their second pregnancy I get pangs of I can’t wait for that to be me. But I also feel not completely ready. I think deep down my DH will accept and be fine to wait but also know he will be older and I think he’d prefer to go for it now

OP posts:
TookTheBook · 29/07/2025 11:39

Get there hard slog of life with little kids out of the way sooner and enjoy when they are for instance 14 and 10... a larger gap and their childhoods extend your time as a parent tied to young children. You'll get your own time back sooner if you go for it asap.

StampOnTheGround · 29/07/2025 11:37

You should do what feels right for you, no matter mine or others opinions. For me, I always wanted a 3 year age gap so that’s what we did!

I had my first at 28 and second at 31, so probably similar ages to you. And it’s true, secondary infertility is a real thing, so I guess you have to think of how you’d feel if you waited a while and it then took years, would you be happy if circumstances did mean you ended up just having the 1 you have? If you’re happy either way, and you’re not ready, then there’s no reason to rush now!

I didn’t find having 2 crazy, your life has already changed completely by having the 1, it just adds a little bit more chaos and hard work (but a whole lot of love!) to an already crazy life!

Squishymallows · 29/07/2025 11:36

I have a 3 year gap and a 2 year gap. No way in hell would I want over 4 year gap, that’s like raising separate batches of kids. You want them to be fairly close together so they can play together and enjoy the same games and movies. A 7 year gap is like a distant cousin not a close friend brother/ sister.

i really wouldn’t put it off or I would decide to be one and done if I were you

Skibber · 29/07/2025 11:36

Are you sure you actually want a second?
Many are so happy to be one and done?
Two children really is busy and that impacts thr mother much more than the father.

Don't be pushed into something you may not want.

NoCowardSoul · 29/07/2025 11:34

I would listen very carefully to those feelings, not dismiss them. It may be that you tu4n out not to want another child at all.

Viviennemary · 29/07/2025 11:32

I would wait. I dont think a 4 year gap is ideal between ages. I think 5 or more is better. If you miss a 2 year gap.

Dozer · 29/07/2025 11:30

For me it’d depend on how upset you’d be if you couldn’t have DC2 Fertility is uncertain. I experienced secondary infertility at a similar age to you (recurrent miscarriages) l.

All age gaps have pros and cons. DCs’ similarities and differences also in the mix. Age gap of 5 years plus is supposedly more like being only children, read online and not from reputable/ official sources!

ShowOfHands · 29/07/2025 11:25

There's no right or wrong answer. I think it's likely that after having one baby, you know how life-altering it can be and while you know you ultimately want to do it, there will be a degree of trepidation. I think that is true for whenever you do it.

I waited 4.5yrs because I was so exhausted and overweight and nervous but actually, having a 2nd was so much easier. I was already a parent and used to structuring my life as a primary carer so the shift wasn't what I expected.

No reason not to start making changes now if you want to. Eat well, exercise and ensure you have a work/life balance. You can ttc while doing this if you decide it's the right time. I was so busy with having two that I was the slimmest I've ever been. I carried dc2 in a sling everywhere and often had 4yr old DD's bags, detritus and even her on my back. I'm glad I had dc2 at 30 as it means that now I'm in my 40s and dealing with an awful perimenopause, I have an adult dc and nearly 14yr old and life is slightly easier for their independence.

Original poster
Imnotsurewhattodobaby2 · 29/07/2025 11:18

Springadorable · 29/07/2025 11:05

Definitely just do it if two kids is something you see in your future. You definitely may not have years of fertility left. You may, but you may not. The first few years you don't need a bigger house and they aren't particularly expensive, especially as your oldest will have funded hours. They won't have much in common if you wait much longer and you'll be trying to entertain two children with very different interests compared to two who will play together.

Thank you. Yes I also have to think about my existing child and the age gap. I know some people said their children get on with a bigger age gap but I know it can be hard to entertain

OP posts:
Springadorable · 29/07/2025 11:05

Definitely just do it if two kids is something you see in your future. You definitely may not have years of fertility left. You may, but you may not. The first few years you don't need a bigger house and they aren't particularly expensive, especially as your oldest will have funded hours. They won't have much in common if you wait much longer and you'll be trying to entertain two children with very different interests compared to two who will play together.