I really don't like them and I don't know what to do about it

Lots of people are criticising the son here but I think he’s trying to look out for his mum, his gf and himself. It’s just not going well.

I was the only dc of a single parent, we were a tiny family. During my 20s, I was in a relationship with a man with a more traditional family. Christmases do become tricky because if you choose to spend it with your oh family then you’re essentially leaving your mum on her own or to make her own plans. I also tried to encourage my mum to join us but like OP she declined. She didn’t have social anxiety, she was very gregarious in fact, but just preferred to do her own things eg plans with friends rather than spend Christmas with people she didn’t know that well and wasn’t hugely keen on.

I suspect the son is anxious about leaving his possibly fragile mum on her own but equally gf is reluctant to give up every other Christmas with her large sociable family to spend it with bf’s quiet mum so is trying to make the best of both worlds not really understanding the implications.

Give is needed from all sides. OPs DS needs to be reassured that OP will be ok and is happy to be left on her own or to make her own Christmas plans most years.

OP maybe needs to give Christmas with the in laws a go once every few years to make DS happy. Even if it’s just Christmas lunch. Maybe try it this year. Just for 2-3 hours.

GF needs to accept that OP struggles to be part of noisy gatherings and not push too hard or expect to much.

OP- talk to your son. Manage his expectations but give a little. I agree with the pp who says it’s probably a novelty for him to be embraced into a larger family, don’t shut yourself off completely to spending time with them.

Start as you mean to go on. If you allow yourself to be bullied into their social demands at the start it will get harder and harder as time goes on to set your own boundaries.

I would loathe a boozy loud boisterous anything your son should appreciate that this is not how you are or will be.

Try to set (your rightful ) preferences on how you want to interact with them, by firstly explaining to your son why this situation is difficult for you and that you dont want this to affect your time and interaction over the years with him and his future wife. Im sure he wouldnt like to be told who he had to celebrate Christmases and birthdays with for ever more.

Limit her family coming to you. If you have to go to them that is easier because then you get to choose when you can leave. Be the 'driver' so you don't 'have' to drink and have solid set limits on a leave time before going or accepting invites. If you do this often enough they'll all soon get the message.

Maybe so but the son is completely lacking in respect and consideration for his mother. There’s no way the OP should put up with it!

If he treats his future wife the way he's treating you, you have little to worry about: the marriage will be over in a short time.

It think it’s strange that he wants this. My toddler dd doesn’t see both sets of grandparents together at Christmas.

@Twiglets1 I agree that they may not realize that the OP likes a quiet Christmas and are eager to include her.

Could it be that your son & his gf think they are being kind to you by saying you should all spend Christmas as “one big happy family” knowing that without your son being there, you could be spending Christmas Day alone.

You’re a small family, they are a much bigger one. Your son may also find them a bit overwhelming and like the idea of having some moral support from you to counter their excesses.

I would frame Christmas to them ( & her family) as a time you like to rest & recharge your batteries. You could find a compromise and suggest something like you’re happy to all have drinks or a meal together on one of the days around Christmas, but you like to spend Christmas itself quietly. Maybe you need to spell out that they don’t need to worry about you being alone on Christmas Day. But also that you would love to see them at some point even if they spend most of the time at her parents house.

They sound rough as a badgers bottom. I would be disappointed by ds attitude to you and concerned that ds is being influenced by them and potentially grandchildren too. Do they live closer than you? Have the Christmas you want, do nothing to make them think you’re rude just smile and do as you like.

Tell the other family that you can’t drink, ever, due to long term medication where alcohol is strongly contra indicated.
Go to events having flagged up that you will arrive at X time and leave at Y time.
take a bottle of non alcoholic wine if it makes you feel better to have a glass of something.
Offer DS and DiL a lovely peaceful Christmas Eve/Boxing Day/Easter Monday/whatever so you get to see them on your terms.
show your DiL that it doesn’t all have to be loud and alcohol based. Start some lovely rituals now, that can be extended to any grandchildren in years to come. I loved that my children had cute Christmas/Easter rituals from both sides, plus ones from our small family unit. My very grown up children still talk about them and how much they enjoyed their grandparents contribution to their childhood.

She's been watching too much Gavin and Stacey, prepared to be corrected but it's not that typical that the two families would have a full Christmas together every year. Just say let us know when you want to come to us over the Christmas period, we can accommodate you both whenever suits

Your DSs inlaws to be sound awful, boorish and bullying, your poor son getting caught up with them.

He should be a lot more sensitive to your needs, and should not be pressuring you to spend significant occassions with them. I think you need to remind him that you're finding social occasions difficult at the moment, and don't want to spend time in loud hectic groups.

I think for occassions like Christmas, they could have breakfast/brunch in your place, then leave you in peace while they go to her parents to hear her Dad talk drunken shite.

Important thing when talking to your son and his girlfriend is to blame yourself, not her horrible parents.

Then you need to have a conversation with your DS and explain how your social anxiety is getting worse by being forced to join every event with his fiancee's loud family.

If you feel you can't speak to him directly then show him this thread.

You can't be expected to please him at huge detriment to yourself. As you have said, you are not expecting him to stay by your side alone with you and want him to enjoy being with his fiancee's family by himself.

You need to be you and lead a quiet life and he wants to jump into everything with his fiancee's larger than life family. Neither is wrong but one person not respecting the other's needs is wrong. In this case your DS.

He needs to be aware of that and that you want to keep the relationship with him but he has to respect your boundaries when it comes to socialising. That you will do it in small doses when you feel comfortable to do so, but when you don't want to he needs to respect your decision and not guilt trip you about it.

Be honest.

You need to stand your ground early and soon a precedent will be set that is easy to maintain and continue for the long term.

There is no need for parents and PIL to have much to do with each other at all. In fact DH and I have been together for 20 years, have a young DS, yet our parents have never met or spoken to each other. In fact none of my side of the family has ever met anyone from DH’s family.

It soon becomes an established set up and nobody thinks twice about it after a while.

Being an introvert is not social anxiety.

The fil being an obnoxious drunk and bully is not social anxiety.

Your son basically threatening to withdraw from you if you don't do what he says is not social anxiety.

Your future dil not being understanding of the situation is not social anxiety.

You are being hard on yourself, perhaps your son is gaslighting you to feel it's all your fault if you don't join in and play happy families with the in-laws from hell.

Yes you have social anxiety (I do too) but that isn't a reason to "lose everything*.

Your son and his gf need to be more understanding,instead of joining in the bullying your son should be defending you to the in-laws and his gf.

He could easily say something like
"DM isn't one for the pub and big parties so let's nip round and see her in the afternoon for a couple of hours".

If the asshole-father's behaviour when he drinks is bad enough to be sent home from a pub, then you REALLY don't want to be around him on Christmas day when he'll no doubt be drinking the entire day - nightmare! And nothing to do with your social anxiety.
Although maybe it's your anxiety that is leading you to struggle to be honest with your DS.
And it's not as if you're weird for not wanting to spend Christmas with your son's girlfriend's parents, that is quite uncommon. You are not odd, they are!

Agree with this entirely! It’s not all just your problem to solve. Who tries to bully someone into drinking when they’ve told you they’re taking medication? For gods sake…

You don’t see how horrid you make yourself sound do you? You haven’t said they were cruel people. You just said they are flashy, louder than you. They may very well have thought you were dull as dishwater but they were making an effort to try to get to know you at least. And you’re laughing at their bankruptcy? Yes they faked it all because clearly that’s something that they rely on to feel good about themselves. That isn’t something to sneer at, feel sad they have to put on a fake version of themselves (which they then lost). And be glad you’re secure enough not to feel such pressure.

op, your son should stand up and tell them to back off with the no drinking thing. And also, he could just come see you in the morning and them in the afternoon or whatever - don’t get what the ‘he made it clear’ thing means still even after your update. But really plenty of people rarely get to see their kids when they’re married so I’d just count my blessings and try to accept them as they are, no matter how awful you find them. They’re trying to welcome you which is kind in itself…and rare. Go for short bursts if you must. Has your son been collateral damage of your social anxiety? Perhaps this is why he’s gone for a loud family if yours is very quiet?

Hell no. That would be a nightmare. I'd sooner have had Fred and Rose West for xmas than my ex in-laws. They were despicable.
Just say they will have to share parents half and half over the season and you are not up for catering for lots of people as you are winding down these days.

You have the best 'excuse' in the world. If you're happy with your future DIL knowing (or perhaps she already does know) about your social anxiety, DS can explain the situation without making it about her family but rather the stress of the social element itself. She and your son need to accept that it's a valid reason for not wanting to see many people (not that you need to have social anxiety to not wish to spend every special time with people you find difficult). She may have had visions of her version of a perfect future with everyone getting together all the time and for every Christmas, etc, but that's not how life works for most of us. We have to be flexible and negotiate around not only our own wishes but also the needs and preferences of others. That goes for both future DIL and DS.

You can't be walking around on eggshells for the rest of your life in fear of upsetting DS and DIL. They need to respect your boundaries.

nothing to do with anxiety the fil sounds like a drunk bully-i hateb p[eople trying to make others drink they dont want to leave it alone

This is perfect

OP, her family sound like a bunch of jeremy kyle rejects.

Your son doesn't get to dictate that you spend time with drunken scum.

I would rather be on my own at Christmas that be around that.

Don't be bullied by him.

What a huge mistake he is making.

I would say to your DS ‘Look, I love you, I love Sarah, she’s a great girl and I’m so happy you are getting married. But her Father is a bit of a twat. Surely you can see that? I’m happy to socialise with them from time to time, birthdays, obviously the wedding. But if you think I’m spending every Christmas Day with that pisshead, think again. I’m your Mum, but also a grown adult who has a say in who I spend my Christmas Day with. It’s no reflection on you, but I just want to give you the heads up now, maybe tell Sarah to just ease off on the meshing of the families slightly. You’re getting married, I’m not. I’m introverted and her side isn’t, it’s fine but I am not being told what to do and how to celebrate. Not all families become intertwined when two adults tie the knot.’

It’s ok to tell your DS that you find his girlfriend’s family far too overwhelming and loud, despite them being friendly and hospitable. You are unwell (which he knows) and don’t want to make your illness worse by becoming stressed. You don’t drink due to your medication and they refuse to respect that very reasonable boundary.

It’s fine to say no I won’t be there on Christmas Day as I need peace, quiet and no booze. You can say they’re nice people but you really can’t cope with them. Remind him again that you are unwell and receiving treatment for your MH condition. His girlfriend needs a reality check about her idea of one big family - it doesn’t happen in most families, as not everyone gets on!