I really don't like them and I don't know what to do about it

You need to have a stern word with your son.

Op I am going to suggest that this is definitely going to sort itself out in time to some degree.

The father is already stressing out your son, he doesn’t like going out with him. At some point it is likely that they will be spending less time with such a drunk if they have a newborn baby for example, the girlfriend has grown up with her father she knows nothing else, she probably isn’t aware of how bad her father is, but there will be a turning point.

Would it help to acknowledge that he is drunk for a reason? Drinking to this degree is a coping strategy for trauma. So is being over loud etc. Why not look past the drinking and get to know the man behind the alcohol. He sounds damaged and troubled. Someone that should be in therapy himself.

In your position I would go for an hour or two on special occasions, and be very clear and honest about the other times that you don’t be going. Tell your son and his gf that you prefer a quiet life, that you love seeing them but find large busy occasions overwhelming.

You will become invaluable to them as a trusted babysitter, a quiet place to come for dinner when they are tired with children. In time you can create a beautiful, calm child centred house that will be a relief to your son and his gif as they become parents.

You will all adjust eventually. You will attend the important things - you need to push yourself to do so understandably, but for everything else just be kind but firm, and thank them for thinking of you.

You need to be more assertive with your son. You can say how happy you are that he has found the love of his life, but highlight that you will continue to enjoy a quieter life whilst still supporting him.
He needs to learn to respect your choices and decisions.

Your son is still quite young and maybe he simply can’t bear you to be left out now he has found the girl he wants to spend his life with.
Maybe he is urging you to take a few social risks in a family situation where he is there to help you along, so that you can gradually get better. He wants you to be able to share his joy. He can’t bear you, his only family member, not to be at his wedding. Do you think that might be his rationale ?

Your social anxiety is crippling, I understand that. Shrinking from it and doing nothing to combat it isn’t moving you forward. But maybe a couple of tiny steps before Christmas will help you to be able to spend an hour with them in that family group, to exchange gifts. Is there any way you can work with your therapist towards that OP? Maybe you could invite the gf and her mum to tea as a starter to get to know her a little bit.
Then you could build on it, again in small steps, so that you will eventually be able to attend your son’s wedding.

If you share your aims and goals toward better mental health with your son, he could explain the extent of your illness to his gf and then her family could be more understanding.
Wishing you the best with your recovery. x

Apologies I haven't read the whole thread so the same point may well have been made but: I expect there's a degree of your son trying to act the big man in advance of getting married in the way he's 'telling you how it's going to be'. I bet that after a few of these special occasions where he's with his wife's family but not with you he'll see things differently, and that he's been a bit of a dick with how he's conducting himself at the moment.

“she wants us all together and the thought of having to spend every Christmas day with them in future fills me with dread”

OP, you are a big grown up person, and you really don’t have to do this. The fact that your future DIL has been allowed to call the shots like this does not bode well for the future. Tell your DS that you simply do not want to become enmeshed with his future wife’s family, and that you want the Christmas you are used to. I take it you live reasonably close to your DS’s future in-laws? If so, it’s not at all unreasonable to ask that they come and see you on your own before going off for the full drunken family Christmas at her house. This will become all the more important when they have children - naturally, a daughter gravitates towards her own mother, but you will be just as much of a grandparent as she will be. You really need to lay down a few ground rules, otherwise, as you say, you’ll be sucked into the vortex of their family and there’ll be no escaping it.

Just say no. Decline invitations. Explain why to DS and gently take future DIL aside and say you don’t think these get togethera are necessary outside of christenings, weddings and milestone birthdays. Explain you're quiet and not a big drinker, that it’s not personal but you’re not a big mixer. If your future DIL is less obnoxious than her awful parents then she’ll understand. Make sure your DS stands up for you.

Don’t be browbeaten.

I would be a little bolder in my terms, if you can possibly do that. I don't mean rude, just assertive. I'd say something along the lines of

"I'm really looking forward to seeing you two at some point on Christmas Day but I can't spend the entire day with your extended family because I've committed to going to church / a food bank / a homeless shelter to help out. How about we have a breakfast together here, you go onto the IL's and I'll go onto my commitment"

Something like that. Just get it agreed, so you don't have to throw any last minute spanners in her works, as it were.

Or you can be up front and explain you are an introvert and get knackered after 2 hours in anyone's company. Personally I'd have to go home and take a nap, but we're all different.

You need to start laying out some clear but positive boundaries now.

There is definitely middle ground and hopefully a way you can avoid the alcohol pressure (it’s not right, but it’s easier to avoid than confront sometimes).

how about you propose that son and gf host an Xmas breakfast that both sets of parents attend? Then they’re welcome to spend the day with other parents (and when it comes
to kids this could work well). to encourage this tell them you’ve already spoken to X friend/realtive and you’d feel happier with them as it will be a quiet one (possibly say they’re alone and you’re helping out? Doesn’t have to be the full unabridged truth)

OP I really feel for you, what a nightmare situation.
I think just be honest with everyone and say you suffer from really bad social anxiety which you are in therapy for but for now you cannot cope with social gatherings. That's it, no drama, no offence, no doing anything you cannot do as your therapist has told you not to put yourself through it.
Seriously, honestly is often the best policy, they will either understand and be sympathetic or they won't but either way you get the outcome you want which is to avoid.

Spending a lot of time with them and your son isn’t necessary. Let him go, find your own life and friends and you won’t have to!

So basically he is telling you that you have to go isn’t he? You’re going to be pressured and made to feel odd if you don’t comply.

OP you have to take a stand now, or this is going to be your life. Take both of them aside and explain very clearly that you don’t intend to be pressured into anything. That you’re in therapy for a reason and that you have no intention of compromising your already fragile mental health by giving in to what is essentially blackmail.

And l for one don’t think your future DiL is as nice as you think. Sounds to me as though she’s exerting her own pressures on your son to get what she wants, regardless of anyone else’s wants or needs, and your son is so besotted he’s willing to go along with it. Tell them it’s simply not going to happen and let them get on with it.

the thought of having to spend every Christmas day with them in future fills me with dread to be honest but DS has already made it clear that this is how it is going to be

He can’t dictate anything, make that clear to him. I say this as a parent of adult children. I’d laugh at them if any of them did this to me.

I think you should speak to your therapist about this. This family sound like they would stress out the average person who doesn’t have social anxiety, so being with them could actually make your recovery harder.

On the other hand you could use them as a stress gauge. Feeling anxious about going to the supermarket or meet a friend for coffee? How much easier & more pleasant is that than spending the day with the Loud Family?!

Dont criticise DIL’s family even to DS because he will give some version of it to DIL who will be offended. Just say you are finding large gatherings too overwhelming (which is true) and your therapist has said to take that pressure off for 6 months and work on other things.

It’s really not normal to try & blend families at Christmas. I guess they feel bad that you’d otherwise be on your own. Stick to your guns & they will get used to it.

Thus isn't normal in my experience. I've been married three times and the only time the families met were at the weddings. Same for everyone I know.

He probably is struggling then.
sounds like it’s the gf under her families control.
standing up for yourself might empower him / them to do the same

Do you have a car? If so, then use it to come and go when you say you are OK to. You need to set a pattern in the early days or else these overbearing people will start to rule your life with your son. Imagine if children come along. Use a phrase or some excuse that you just keep repeating. Get in your car and go home. If no car and you can afford a taxi, then use that, if not, get a bus timetable. Ask to go and lie down if they overwhelm you, say you get exhausted very easily, have migraines, vertigo, whatever excuse you can come up with to keep the time short. While you are with them grey rock them.' I'm fine thank you' If they try to ply you with drink, leave it stand and say you don't feel like it. If they harrass you, say, I'm fine thank you. You may come across as standoffish but better that than being steamrolled into a corner.

Just say no, you won't be doing that.

The best way to play it is that you just don’t like big group social events. I don’t either and try and avoid though occasionally suck it up
and manage by just not staying very long. No need to be specific by saying you don’t like the FiL (who sounds insufferable tbh)

i’d be a bit worried that she is controlling him tbh and he is projecting a bit

btw I’ve been with my husband 17 years and both sets of parents have met less than 10
times. Engagement, Wedding, two Christmases where we hosted both families and a small handful of other occasions to do with the kids. They live half an hour apart.

You don’t have to like them, just socialise when and if you want.

I don’t have social anxiety and what you’ve said about the gatherings would have me on edge too.

can you find a compromise, such as you go to theirs for a set period of time, always have something that means you drive (so no drinking), and have to leave at 8pm?

My dd only has capacity for social events and people for a certain amount of time. She’ll often come home from being with friends and say her social bucket is full and will take herself off for a few hours.

Id explain to DS that you do want to be involved, but find their company over whelming so will take part, but only for x hours. Or arrange to have them over for lunch rather than tea.

I think your son needs to be a more considerate. Presumably he knows of your issues and how difficult you find social occasions.

Compromise and grit your teeth and agree to one get together. I don't see why as noone would expect anything more over such a busy period. One that isn't Christmas day.

Your future DIL will have to accept that life isn't all big happy families all the time.

I can understand OP because I’m a people pleaser and struggle with assertiveness

However DON’T GO

Chav Towers

Be very straight say “I’m not going”

This. My sister is very sociable and packs more into a week than I do in a year. She tried to involve me in everything 🙄 but I just said no I am busy.She would say I haven't even told you when😂 eventually she got the message. You also could make some plans to divert the main problem times, eg New Years Eve.
My son has been with his partner 13 years and I have only seen his MIL once, she didn't speak and his FIL once gave an unasked for opinion 😐. That sealed it. Your son is getting into a new family through his choice NOT you.Tell him to back off.