I really don't like them and I don't know what to do about it

Regarding Christmas - you can definitely say no and that it’s not your thing! My response was more a general approach rather than just about Xmas. You can do Xmas with them in many moons to come! You can say no and your son can still go, end of.

Tell him that you really don’t mind and that you’re going to treat yourself to some nice chocolate, lovely food and a favourite tv show. Tell him you’re an adult and you don’t need mollycoddling. It’s nice that he cares you’re not alone but he’s expressing that care in an immature and manipulative way.

Honestly I think you need to try and remember that she likely won’t always be this way. Some things I think are worth noting:

• she’s likely excited because they’re getting married and it’s all new etc; in time I expect this will fade and you’ll all find a rhythm less intense!
• what a positive thing that she wants a strong family group / close unit. If she has your grandchildren this will be a great perspective for you all to enjoy. There are often threads of Grandparents being shut out - this sounds unlikely in your case! How nice.
• if you respond negatively to her efforts; she will think you don’t like her. If you can’t face her family; the very least you can do is to make a huge effort with her; lunches or days out etc and explain you get nervous with a lot of people but you are so happy she is joining your family with your son.

if I did not go then he couldn't go then and he would have to miss out because it would be too awkward for him to explain why I wasn't coming.

I have had the future Grandchildren thrown at me also.

With this information i think your DS is the problem.

Its too awkward to say one sentance 🤨

say directly to the GF "I'm happy for DS to spend Christmas day with you. You know my anxiety is bad and so we like a quiet day at home we will see you on boxing day. Im sure your parents wont mind at all"

Re kids
He could be infertile. He has no idea whether they can even have children.... so what hes going to do? withhold his imaginary children from you???
this is nonsense and emotional blackmail

He needs to get a grip.

That’s really strange. Why would he need you there with him? Is he your carer?

why would it be awkward to say why you are not coming ? ‘Mum has other plans with her family’ or ‘mum sits in eating selection boxes in front of Die Hard all Christmas day, I’m not interfering with that!’

Let him off by himself and don’t let anyone pressure you. Good luck.

Can you book a trip away just for you so your rather silly son can go to his in-laws guilt free?

Why can’t he just say mum likes to be in her own home at Christmas? That’s how I spend Christmas, I don’t want to be in anyone else’s house on that day.

Your DS needs an honest conversation with his girlfriend about the fact that not everyone is going to want to keep socialising with her family, particularly her obnoxious Dad. If he is already struggling with them, the problem is only going to get worse. If she can't accept that, maybe she's not the right person for him.

But OP hasn’t suggested this anywhere in any of her posts. She’s quite happy to facilitate whatever they want outside of her spending time with the whole family.

I actually think OP has suggested this too in her updates - she doesn’t seem to have a problem with fitting around their plans with DiL’s family and will make time to see both of them, but she doesn’t want to be pressured into joining in with the whole family.

I think DiL’s family sound like hard work, regardless of any social anxiety OP has and pressuring her into drinking alcohol against medical advice, then getting angry because she won’t is really unpleasant - l doubt l’d want to spend special occasions with them, especially where alcohol is involved.

I’m really surprised that OP’s son is so in thrall to his fiancée that he’s prepared to try to coerce his mum into doing what DiL wants, despite knowing it will impact on OP’s MH - especially as OP says he finds DiL’s father difficult himself. I think at some point someone needs to explain to DiL that, in the words of Mick Jagger, you don’t always get what you want, and you need to consider the needs and wants of others who may not want to play happy families for reasons of their own.

I never said they all have to be together till the end of time. I said its not nice to call your son over on his own.

Where has OP said any of this ? In her updates she’s said quite the opposite.

DiL wants everyone together. That’s the right thing for her, but clearly not for OP. And maybe read OP’s updates - she’s made it clear that she won’t be offended however her son and DiL want to spend Christmas, and that she’ll join in when she feels able, so it’s not a case of her wanting him to herself. DiL is clearly influencing OP’s son to get what she wants so l don’t think she’s as lovely as everyone thinks. And he’s in thrall to her at the moment because the relationship is in its infancy - that will change and she’ll have to adapt. She needs to learn to respect other peoples boundaries and understand that she can’t ride roughshod over the needs and wants of others to get her own way.

Can you be honest with your son when he is on his own away from his fiancé. Say that you want to be involved and you live his partner but find her parents overbearing and explain about the drinking etc. I bet he has noticed their bad behaviour too. Then you can say to him you will come to some things but not every single time, and say you would like to do separate things as well. The problem is when families start off all gung ho like this saying let’s do Christmas together etc, when the inevitable fall out comes or people decide they don’t want to do it anymore it causes more upset than necessary. Just tell him you can do some things all together and some things separately and play each event by ear. I bet he understands. It sounds like your son and his fiancé have got a bit overexcited and want everyone else to be a big extension of their relationship.

Also op, your son is allowed to embrace his new family, his new life. Maybe he is setting the tone now because he enjoys a larger family if it has just been you two to now. He doesn’t want to feel pressured into staying with you.

Don’t start making him feel guilty for going at Christmas etc - if you don’t want to go - fine - don’t go but you can’t insist he has a quiet Christmas with you. Nor can you keep his horizons small just because yours are. He needs to grow and expand, enjoy his life.

First of all, it's perfectly okay to not want to spend special occasions with people you don't like, social anxiety or not. Pressuring you to drink is absolutely not on.

Secondly, once you are done with therapy, you might find it more tolerable or even enjoyable to do it occasionally.

So I think you should tell your son that you will not be doing this while you are still dealing with high level anxiety. You might consider some social engagements with them in future depending on how you feel. But you are not going to commit to it becoming a norm/tradition. You won't be upset if he chooses to spend more time with them and he should respect your decision.

OP, you seem to be blaming your SA for not wanting to spend time with these people. I don’t have SA and I wouldn’t want to be anywhere near them. I’m not dismissing your SA but stop putting all the responsibility at your own door. They sound bloody awful and it’s ridiculous that anyone expects you to spend Christmas with them.

Her son lives with her, I was just suggesting they spend a bit of time together on Christmas morning and his girlfriend calls over, then they could head off to her parents then.
The OP is in therapy and doesn’t have to spend time with this other family if she doesn’t want to. It sounds like the father especially stresses her out.

Sorry if I worded my post badly.

What kind of a mum asks her son to visit by himself in the morning ? Thats a disgusting way to behave towards your dil who is doing nothing but making all the families be together regardless to op not wanting to this, dil is doing the right thing... and if op is more focused on having her son all to herself then its going to be a lonely road for her because its not likely her son is desperate to have alone time with mummy as a grown man!

I agree with others that while your social anxiety must make this harder, don't give it all the blame as it's perfectly reasonable not to want to spend time with loud, obnoxious people who pressure you to drink and get aggressive.

Can you set firm boundaries, such as 1-2 events a year where you attend but reserve the right to leave when you want to (e.g. when people get too drunk or aggressive)? That number is only if you want to, by the way - you can attend none. But if you don't attend any you may see your son less, so there's a choice there.

That said, it's also perfectly reasonable to want to see your son one-on-one sometimes. It may be difficult for the actual dates of things like Christmas when he may want to be with his girlfriend, but can you establish some kind of regular catch up just the two of you? That way, even if you miss the big holidays (and that is still okay to be sad about) at least you'll have had a chance to be with him in another space.

Obviously you don't go if you don't want to and that's your choice.

But your DS and his GF want to go every year and are planning to, and that is their perfectly reasonable choice.

You cannot expect them to change their plans and miss out on what they want to do if you have been invited to be part of it and have declined. It is your valid choice to not go, just as it is their valid choice to go.

So, by all means, stand your ground and decline. But accept that your choice means no more Christmases with your DS, GF, and with your future GC, You don't get to force/guilt them into spending Christmas with you when you've declined a shared Christmas.

I think it's reasonable for them to invite/offer that you join them every year, but you always have the choice to decline. You don't, however, get to re-organise their Christmas plans to suit you.

OP..you are getting yourself stressed and worried over the pressure that you are going to be put under under.
As another mumsnetter says .ask your therapist for one liners.
Try to have other arrangements made in advance.
They must be incredibly thick if they don't understand that medication and alcohol don't mix. Some people think that you can't be enjoying the unless you've had a skin full.
Keep on refusing the invites.
And your son could be a little more understanding too

DS has already made it clear that this is how it is going to be

Stop pandering. Whrn did adult children start making decisions for their fully competent parents? Say no. No one will die.

Don’t hold back there, will you @spoonbillstretford 😂

But you’re absolutely right.