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Original poster

Should I just be expected to let him do his own thing when we’re visiting his home country?

39 replies

tigerrrlily · 28/07/2025 20:53

I have travelled long-haul to stay with my fiancés family. It’s a big culture difference, but I’m enjoying spending time with his family, and getting to know them all. We’re here for just over a month.

However, fiancé and I are staying in his old house which his brother now lives in. First night we got there we stayed up with him for 2 hours or so because it was the first night. We got there at 4am from airport so it was a really late night! Then it became clear that this was normal for his brother - his brother doesn’t work and will stay up until 6am everyday and get up around 5pm.

Fiancé insisted that it would be nice if I could sit with him, his brother, and his brothers two (male) friends so we could all play board games. I said I didn’t really want to because of the language barrier, being the only women etc. This was a massive issue. He said I needed to make an effort, so I did. I said I find it nice to go to sleep together at night time because it makes me feel connected and calm (this is our routine in the uk). He said he understood.

The next day we had a full day out with his family, full on socialising and busy in a HOT country, I was exhausted going back to the house. Fiancé asked if we could eat our food with his brother and his friends. I agreed to this. I said “an hour tops, I’m tired”. I sat there for 2 hours, then was saying “I’m really tired now”. Eventually he said “why don’t you go to bed and I’ll finish up the game here and then come up after you?”. He came up an hour later. It was 5am.

This caused an argument as he went back on what he said about going to bed together.

This was all brushed aside, had to sit with family all day etc. today he’s gone to play football with his old team. Match was meant to finish at 9, back at 930 he said. He was an hour and a half late and not answering my calls. I was dropped off with his family on the way to his match and they kept asking me where he was. We’ve all had to wait for him to eat and we’re all exhausted.

Am I asking too much? Is this normal? I want him to spend time with friends and family but I feel like I just get plonked with other people all the time.

Fully prepared to be told to just grin and bear it, just feels very weird and lonely

OP posts:
EternalLodga · 29/07/2025 04:32

I dont understand why you have gone for a month.

Look, he deals with your culture the rest of the time, I think you should go easy on him

Mumtobabyhavoc · 29/07/2025 03:48

I get you @tigerrrlily
Foreign country, language and male-dominated culture.
You are the third wheel. Your fiancé is not making an effort for you to feel comfortable. He isn't showing you the sights, his favourite places etc He wants you to hang out waiting for him and not complain about it. He is showing you who he is. He will not change. Decide now if you are at peace living with this treatment.

KrisAkabusi · 28/07/2025 22:55

I said I find it nice to go to sleep together at night time because it makes me feel connected and calm

Sorry, but this is too much. Its not his responsibility to do this all the time and it's controlling of you to try to make him.

CandyCane457 · 28/07/2025 22:45

I think you’re both in the wrong. He’s not really looking out for you and he’s just wanting to go off with his family and not care how things suit you…but you also seem a bit like hard work constantly complaining you’re tired and insisting you go to bed together on holiday. If he wants to stay up a bit later with his brothers and friends, just leave him to it. Try and relax into it as you’re there for a while, enjoy it!

angelinawasrobbed · 28/07/2025 21:28

This is your future unless you make a stand now. Every holiday will be like this because he will want to go ‘home’ every year with his annual leave

MaggieBsBoat · 28/07/2025 21:26

He lives (presumably) in your country the rest of the time and I assume it is distant (like the far east or something) to mean going for a month. Just lighten up. I know it’s hard. I am also married to a non-Brit with a burdensome family dynamic (for me), but these are his people and he loves them. He deals with your place and people the rest of the time. Lean in with some flexibility.

arethereanyleftatall · 28/07/2025 21:21

theres two things I spotted in your post.

first one is you being out of order - you don’t get to control when another adult goes to bed!! He can go when he likes!

but the second one on him. That was shit of him ti leave you alone with his family all day while he played football. What would you have preferred to do?

UsingAMansNameInAWomensWorld · 28/07/2025 21:19

Were you doing your big fake yawns as well when he was trying to play games and catch up with his brother?

That part alone is unreasonable

Hercisback1 · 28/07/2025 21:17

À month is a long time. Get to know some of the women and could you learn the bare bones of the language in that time?

Going to bed with you every night is unreasonable.

Otoh this trip will probably set the tone for the rest of your trips ever.

Jesswebster01 · 28/07/2025 21:16

I definetly wouldt of gone for a month. Maybe try doing your own thing aswel go explore. Also if your tired just say your going to bed you are both there for a while so plenty of time to socialise with his family.

Rumplestrumpet · 28/07/2025 21:14

I go back to my husband's country every year (for nearly 20 years now!) and quickly worked out some tips for staying sane and saving our marriage :

  • he goes for longer than me - I might stay a week, while he stays ten days or a fortnight. That was he has plenty of time to catch up with friends and family independently of me
  • I do some stuff by myself, like a spa day, shopping, sitting in a cafe reading a book or going to a hotel with a pool. We can't spend all our time together, we just drive each other a bit mad after a week
  • I make a real effort with the women in his family. They wouldn't be my first choice of friends, but I make the effort to spend time with them (away from him) because they matter to him and he needs some time with male friends without me.
  • loosen up a bit. You can't be going to bed together very night, it won't work. You need to be flexible.

You're not being unreasonable as such, but you need to rethink things for you both to enjoy this trip.

Emotionalsupporthamster · 28/07/2025 21:09

It’s rude of him to deposit you with family then not show up again and have everyone waiting to eat. But it’s unreasonable for you to demand that he accompanies you to bed - you’re a grown woman and he doesn’t get to spent time with his brother a lot if they live in different countries so just leave them to it.

Greencustardmonster · 28/07/2025 21:09

I can see both perspectives to be honest. I think I’d have said a week together in his home country to spend time together with his family was enough if you’re just sitting with them and don’t speak the same language. I’d have then suggested he spend a further couple of weeks out there alone if he wants to catch up with footballing friends and the like. While you’re there he should be facilitating you getting to know his family and being considerate of your needs. I can understand if he rarely sees these people though why he wants to maximise his time with them - although his brother’s nocturnal habits sound bonkers to me.

What’s he like normally?

aquestionforya · 28/07/2025 21:07

He’s on holiday seeing his family that (I’m assuming) he rarely sees. Trying to insist he goes to bed at the same time as you when that doesn’t suit him is incredibly selfish.

however, I would’ve just insisted you all ate instead of waiting for him to come back from football.
if the football match finishes at 9, add on extra time (to both sides), time to shower after, a debrief and a quick catch up with friends, returning at 11 is actually pretty reasonable !

is it somewhere you could try to make your own fun, go out and explore? You’re there for a month, make the most of it !