Should I just be expected to let him do his own thing when we’re visiting his home country?

Do you need him to validate all your feelings, too?

The only unreasonable part of this is him expecting you to stay up until 5/6 am

I am in a similar position. It's all about compromise. He has to realise the holiday is not your first choice of holiday and you might feel uncomfortable spending loads of time with people you don't know. It's difficult (for me) to constantly socialise with people in another culture that you wouldn't spend time with otherwise. And you have to realise that this is his only chance every year to spend time with his friends and family and while he wants you there, he doesn't want to spend time babysitting you.

It's all about compromise, like pp have said he needs to spend longer there than you and he needs to carve out some time and spend some time with just you / spend some time doing touristy things that he has done a million times before. And you need to accept you will be bored some times.

His brother sounds like a bit of a waste of space though staying up til 6am and everyone else falling in line with this to see him. I would draw the line at being expected to completely disrupt my sleep routine to visit someone who has lots of flexibility over their schedule

There was a thread on here recently with a woman in the same position with a toddler ans was basically on holiday on her own as her husband insisted on staying awake all night and sleeping all day to spend time with his family, he didn't see the toddler at all and she was basically on her own trying to entertain a toddler and keep them quiet in someone else's house. I wouldn't stand for a situation like that

You sound quite childish and needy.

I'd have sent you home already.

Fiancé asked if we could eat our food with his brother and his friends. I agreed to this. I said “an hour tops, I’m tired”. I sat there for 2 hours, then was saying “I’m really tired now”. Eventually he said “why don’t you go to bed and I’ll finish up the game here and then come up after you?”. He came up an hour later. It was 5am.

Sorry but really unfair of you to tell him how long he can sit with his brother for! I don't understand why you didn't just eat your food and go to bed and leave him to it?! And why were you still awake at 5am anyway?!

This was all brushed aside, had to sit with family all day etc. today he’s gone to play football with his old team. Match was meant to finish at 9, back at 930 he said. He was an hour and a half late and not answering my calls.

He was an hour and a half late. Not really the end of the world. And why were you ringing him constantly?! Of course he's not answering if he's with his old mates!

I really don't understand why you are sat with his family all day every day?! Just tell them you're going out and do your own thing (shopping, go for lunch, to see a film, to a spa) and leave your fiance to it then catch up in the evening! All seems very intense....

I have this every year with my partner. We go back to his country for a few weeks in the summer, and it’s not a million miles away either. The first few years he’d go out till 4am, sleep in till 1 and not want to do anything until the night repeated itself again. For me it was supposed to be a holiday, for him it’s going home. I would be more understanding if it was the only time he saw family and friends but it’s not as they regularly come and visit too. Last year was the first year for us with our baby and I lost my calm a few times as he seemed to forget he was a parent this time and yes I had his family wanting to help but if he could go and enjoy himself why couldn’t I? We went for NYE and things were slightly better and we found some common ground with what we expected from each other. We’re off again this year and this time, I’m taking some of my family too.

This. DH is from a late night culture. We have dinner out around 10pm in summer. Maybe go out for a walk around town 1130/12pm. I used to hate that, but have since stated my boundaries, go once or twice, and learned it's ok to say 'no'. Most nights, DH and sometimes DS go out with his family for the walk, and I sit on my terrace and read.

If you're planning to have a future with him, you'll need to ease on the expectation of bedtimes. And learn the language. If you have DC, expect this to be the norm. We go for 6 weeks, and whilst I might get bored, it's really important for my DS to connect with his paternal family and improve his language. I just plan to read a lot of books!

I think neither of you thought this through when you agreed do visit for a month. He (understandably) doesn’t want to have to babysit you and you (understandably) don’t want to be dumped with people you don’t know / don’t speak your language. It’s a tricky one op. I don’t know what to advise.

I'd let him do his thing and you do yours. Of course, the two of you should spend plenty of time with his family, but that doesn't mean you need to spend MORE time with them than he does (unless you want to) or that you should stay up when you're exhausted and know it will negatively impact you the next day. Also, try not to take responsibility for his behaviour or feel pressured to apologise or explain it away; if his mum's upset that he's late and is asking you about it, just shrug and tell her you don't know either; what time did he tell her he'd arrive?. She'll tell him when he gets there if she still has a problem.

Don't waste time waiting around for him. Do tell him that you don't mind him socialising but that if he continues to not communicate when he's going to be late and not spend time with you this is the last of these trips you will ever be doing.

I couldn’t last a month like that. No way.

Can you afford to return home? I’d speak to him and say you think it’s best for him to continue the holiday on his own as it’s not fair on you or his family to just dump you on them like they are babysitters. The language barrier must make it so hard. Have a few days together going to bed at midnight together in the knowledge youre going after which he can see his pals or stay up all night as much as he wants.

As doesn’t see friends much so I totally understand he needs time to do that. He shouldn’t have brought you if he can’t spend time with you though.

If you can leave id use google translate to translate an explanation for his family so they don’t think you’ve taken the hump with you. He may, stupidly, blame you for wanting to go (you don’t really) so he doesn't look bad. That will backfire as you will become The Bitch Who Left As Our Home Wasn’t Good Enough For Her.

So I’d translate something like “it was lovely to meet you all. Im going to head back to the UK early so xxx has more time to see his mates and spend time with you all. Thank you for making me feel so welcome in your home”.

Ah, let him have fun with his family and friends who he presumably doesn’t get to see that often.

Carve out things you can do for yourself - buy a book, see if there’s local markets, be proactive in things you’d like to see but do things independently of him too. It can be a bit daunting if you don’t speak the language but that’s why we have translation apps.

I think expecting him to stick to the same routine as at home is unreasonable. He’s no doubt in ‘holiday mode’ and trying to pack in as much time as he can with relatives he doesn’t see much. The best thing you can do is let him fill his boots on love, friendship and chat. In the long run, that can only be good for your relationship.

Tbh it does sound like you're making things a bit difficult. He's excited and doesn't get to see his friends and family much. The football thing was inconsiderate but I'd assume he just got carried away.

The bed thing sounds a little controlling. If you're tired go to sleep. If he's not and enjoying spending time with his family, he stays up.

You've got to be a bit flexible in these situations. You'll go back home after this and the normal routine will continue. It sounds like he's keen for you to be included but its just things you don't like.

Why have you decided to marry someone who you have such poor communication with, and where you have such different expectations of what to do? That's the bit that's really unreasonable and you need to think very hard about that before you trap yourself with shared children.

It's pathetic to need him there like a comfort blanket; as an adult you need to learn to self regulate. It isn't unreasonable to go to bed yourself though, nor to feel there are some activities you don't enjoy and limit time doing them. When you just aren't a good fit because your interests diverge too much, it's time to think about why you're trying to make your life so damn hard. Find someone on your wavelength and it'll be so much easier.

I thought you were going to say he was leaving you alone the whole time with lots of children to look after , but he's involving you in spending time with his family (other than the football- and I think it's normal these things go over time) he is just spending time w his family, and I don't think he has to go to bed when you do.

He's not your security blanket and I feel you're being a bit controlling with your requests.

How did you see a month trip playing out? You knew before you went about the language barrier, I think you've been a bit naive in your expectations. Either organise yourself some mini trips and get out there and see some stuff and do your own thing, or change your flights and fly home.

Staying and looking at your watch and giving him the side eye is going to work for nobody.

I am basing it on the similarity of experiences of being a woman in a culture where a woman’s feelings are not considered as being in anyway significant as the OPs fiancé is demonstrating in her posting . That is the similar cultural experience I’m talking about.

My sister married a husband from another European culture he behaved the same way too. The culture I’m speaking of is a patriarchal culture.

Go off on your own for 2 weeks while he catches up? It’s too long.

You are being silly. You are not a child and are more than capable of going to bed on your own.

How do you know your cultural experience is the same as hers considering she hasn't said what country she's in.

I was in a relationship with a man from
a culture like this and I would not put up with what you are putting up with. Given half a change the men will hang out together day and night and expect to be catered for by the womenfolk who are not allowed to have any opinion on what is going on. In your situation I would spend a week with him and be enthusiastic and then I would head back home early and let him have his holiday and set down structure boundaries for the next visit. I read some suggestions upthread about not staying with family, agreed times for spending with people, getting to know his female relatives etc. All good suggestions. These situations are where the patriarchal cultures become really obvious and the nicest of guys can become absolute dicks in the culture.

Agree with posters and him trying to catch up with everyone at home - exoect he misses them all. So it's not a holiday for either of you tbh.

This is his family and its important you all get on on, because you're all going to see a lot of each other. Do you speak their language and do you try?

Go to bed when you like, you don't have to go together.

It must be boring sitting around all day. - didnt either of you think of this, not even deciding what you eat? Arrange for his mum, sisters to take you out for the day to see sights. Make like a tourist. Hire a car and take yourself off. He doesn't have to go with you.

Make friends with his family. Tell them you feel isolated and miss home. Learn to cook, learn language, you'll have to force faster friendship boundaries.

A month is very long. Are you getting g married there or in the uk? Honeymoon?

If you plan kids, every summer you will spend a month at theirs probably alone with the dc. They will put up with you a f you will put up with them.

You sound a bit pathetic that you need him to go to bed with to be calm. Hes not a Teddy bear comfort blanket.

I'd let him stay up as long as he wants, I'd just go to bed when I wanted to and make nice effort with his family whilst awake. Otherwise im a ratty cow with no sleep anyway.

As far as football is concerned. Lighten up. Hes not a child that had a curfew.

Sit him down away from family and explain that you're going to bed when you want and you'd like him to show you some more touristy fun places, as this is a holiday for you too.

Is this a South East Asian country?

My DH is from a country next to India. We go for 1-2 months holidays there due to doing long dental treatments that would cost a lot of money back home.

I've never stayed with his family. I can compromise to come but never to stay in the same house. That would just be a can of worms and potentially divorce. You have to be wary of this, especially if it's a multi generational household.

We stay in a hotel or apartment within the touristic area, in the mornings (every 2-3 days not every day) he goes to see his family for 2-3 hours alone, then comes back to pick me up at the hotel and we spend the rest of our day together. I wake up late so to doing shift work back at home, so that's what worked for us. On days that is wake up early, is just go walk alone in the touristic area by myself. I made clear from the beginning that it's my holidays too and don't want to spend them with his family. On the weekends when his sister's would be off work, we'd all go out together for day trips but I restricted him from taking me to visit relatives at their house, which makes it very uncomfortable due to language, customs, and so.

Can you move to a hotel together and then just visit his family? That way while he goes to meet his friends you are able to go out on your own.

Set clear boundaries now before you marry.

He’s cramming a year’s worth of family time into one month, it’s not easy.

You say you need to feel connected to him, but he also needs to feel connected to his family.

There needs to be a compromise, he shouldn’t neglect you and should spend time with you but you also need to make an allowance that he lives really far from his family.