To not see the practical point of getting married?

We felt the same until we witnessed an unmarried family try to unpick multiple issues as a result of an unexpected death.

We got married shortly afterwards and many years later we still haven't told anyone, simply because we saw it as a purely financial decision and don't see the need to include family in those decisions.

Peace of mind that if either of us died, the other can just access the accounts by default and if we've missed anything like having eachother as a named beneficiary, it's covered by default. We don't need to worry about paying the bills or asking family for money for the mortgage because an account is frozen.

You can I think replace all the legal functions of civil partnership (since you don’t fancy marriage) but it’s a much simpler way of doing it. Tbh when Dh died it was the way that ‘yes he was my husband’ opened doors that otherwise would have taken more effort and time that really made me glad we were married. We did have a wedding, but I recently found out that a very old friend of mine has been married for a decade after a lunchtime ceremony, I had no idea. She’s just as married as I was.

Of course if you’ve written wills that weren’t done in contemplation of marriage, you’d need to redo them if you did have a ceremony. So that’s an additional expense.

This is a really macabre story but I once looked after a baby whose mother was in a coma after birth and not expected to recover. Her partner the babie's Dad had no legal claim on that child as the birth was not registered. Her mother (as NOK) came to the hospital and took the baby home. He was distraught but there was nothing anyone could do.

Me and had DP a civil partnership for no other reason than he would be able to stay in the HA property if I die ( I'm older than him). We were in and out in 10 minutes and went back to work afterwards as we had scheduled in to happen during our lunch break. The only people who know about it after 18 months is DD and HMRC. As far as we are concerned it was just a legal formality, no more, no less.

I would never have had a child without being married. I have a friend who gave birth to a child who needs constant one to one care - the entire earning potential of one of the parents, just gone. Thinking of it as setting up in business together is accurate.

Why go to all the effort of getting various legal contracts drawn up about NOK, POA, wills, etc
..

When you could sign a marriage contract that covers all this and more...

@Meadowfinch your circumstances are quite different from those described by OP, though. I think dating away from your children in the sensible thing to do, really (I did the same and overall no regrets).

@Queenofswords88 I was never into the idea of marriage (my parents had a horrendous divorce) but then my ex died and I was left with no legal protections and his family acted like I wasn’t “really” his partner - his parents snatched all his personal documents away, I barely had time to collect myself. I had to move out of our rented apartment because he never updated the contract, had no entitlement to widow’s pension. It made me completely reconsider how I view marriage now and I would like for myself and my partner to be protected against any possible downturns.

The two reasons you give for not liking marriage are based on clichés. You don't need to have a wedding if you don't want one. Marriage itself is not patriarchal if you don't let it be. Marriage is whatever the two of you want it to be. Make a will so your intentions re finances are clear and you define the rest yourself.

I think you are very sensible to be thinking things through and asking the question - MN is very very pro marriage but that's predicated on a series of assumptions that the female half of the partnership is always the financially worse off, lower earner, will make career sacrifices to raise children etc. If you are the higher earner and/or have more assets marriage won't necessarily 'protect' you, it may actually mean having to give up your house or pension to settle with your ex in the case of a split. As per PP that may or may not be a legal commitment you morally or emotionally feel you want to make but it's hardly essential.

In the case of death of you or your partner, inheritance and funeral issues can largely be sorted by making wills and ensuring you and/or your child are one another's beneficiaries of any pension or insurance payouts in the event of your early death. IHT is a good thing to think about but only applicable to higher value estates, some pensions will count in future so keep an eye on this but again not a cast iron reason to get married in all circumstances.

Serious illness and incapacity / power of attorney is a frequent reason to get married cited on here, people say wouldn't you want your partner to be the one to decide what happens if you are in a coma, nightmare scenarios are thrown around of your parents or siblings throwing your unmarried partner out of the ICU - personally I think this one is a bit of a red herring. Next of kin is a term used informally in hospitals but doesn't have a huge amount of actual legal standing. It's just who you choose to put on your notes as being the primary point of contact in an emergency and you can put who you like, a friend, an unmarried partner, your cat 😉 If you are incapacitated and have previously nominated a power of attorney for health and welfare they can make decisions on your behalf (NB even if married you still need to draw up the legal documents, there's no automatic power of attorney to a spouse) and conversely, if you have no nominated power of attorney doctors will make decisions in your best interests which will include consulting with your partner (married or unmarried) plus immediate family. I work in hospitals and I've very very rarely come across any issue about a long term unmarried partner not being appropriately involved or not allowed to visit their partner because the in laws have been allowed to kick them out, and believe me I've been involved in a ton of family drama otherwise, that's a constant, but marriage doesn't make a huge difference per se. The only times where maybe it would is where there's a question over the genuine long-termness of the relationship so someone claims they were the persons partner and the family says they're not or they've broken up - and that can happen even if married. But if your DP is the father of your children and you live together I can't see it being any issue for him to be your medical 'next of kin' or vice versa.

2 former colleagues of mine went to the registry office in their lunch break, got married, came back to work.

They saw it was a bit of necessary life admin.

They never had any kind of party or meal or celebration. Signed the forms and literally never mentioned it again

As many others have commented, marriage comes into its own if something sadly happens to one of you, if you have a good will in place it probably negates some of that, but, in the event of an early death, being married just helps smooth all the hardship and work that follows

It's a legal arrangement

I don't see what there is to understand

I'm a bit - no, actually I'm completely baffled by people who don't get this. If the legal set up suits you then do it. If it doesn't then don't. size or hassle of wedding is completely irrelevant.

No-one can but people
can 1) be odd as feck 2) money. When money is involved rules go OUT the window.

YANBU OP

I watched my fairly affluent dm being financially abused by f for 40 years. I'm now a single mum who has avoided getting married. I earn sufficient to buy my own home, and to provide for my ds.

By remaining single and not cohabiting, I protect my home and assets. If I married, I could never be sure that my husband wasn't piling up debt in secret. As a single woman, I know exactly how my ds will be provided for. I have sole control of my finances so no man will ever have the chance to interfere.

Marriage in a combining of two people into one single economic unit, which requires a massive leap of faith, one which I have no reason to make.

I date quietly away from my ds' home.

If you really can’t see the practical,point, TBH I despair. How many women are equally ignorant of the advantages of that ‘piece of paper’? Actual wedding or civil partnership, they’re the same.

Not true. They can try but a determined blood relative will trump anything, legally. Unless you go and actually get NOK legal paperwork drawn up and kept up to date. Pre marriage equality my DFriend was kept away from his partner of 20 years by the homophobic parents as the partner dies in hospital. The parents then went after their home and the partners money… despite there being a will my friend spent a small fortune fending them off and ended up essentially paying them something to fuck off rather than keep contesting the will etc

I think this way of looking at it - that it’s like the two of you setting up a business. It’s not strictly legally correct (obviously you don’t have to intend to have a child to get married) but it makes sense.

As has been said numerous times on MN, don't confuse marriage (legal contract) with a wedding (party!)

you can get married or civilly partnered incredibly cheaply

I was with my partner for 25 years, we never married, he never divorced his wife. In my mind it was just a piece of paper.
We had three kids together. He recently left the family home, moved 130 miles away, we don’t know where he lives, he is concealing income from CMA, I get maintenance of less than £400 pm. He sees his children 4 hrs a week. They/we don’t know where he lives to raise a court action.
It’s all very well to not be married until it isn’t and by that point it’s too late.

Marriage only really protects the financially weaker party. Which doesn’t apply in your case so no I wouldn’t be concerned about getting married

It’s always surprising how many people are adamant marriage means nothing without going the most basic research into it. Posters have kindly explained in detail but a 2 minute google will tell you why it’s worth doing.

My BFF was like you - so they got a Civil Partnership. Town hall, 6 people
there, pub after.
As people say you don’t know the benefit h til the shit hits the fan in some way. Mate’s DP died suddenly and they weren’t married but had a kid and the legal side has been a nightmare to sort. A couple of women friends have been left high and dry post split because they weren’t married despite having children together.
Unless YOU are and can remain much more financially better off than your DP do NOT have a child without being married.

All the stuff about needing to be married to be NOK for health stuff is not true. You can nominate anyone and the medical team would always involve unmarried partner even if no NOK specified. And no one apart from medics gets to make any final decisions about treatment if the patient is incapacitated.