Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish I’d said something to this charity shop worker?

112 replies

lostalil · 28/07/2025 16:32

I was in a charity shop today with stepson aged 5. We spent about 10 minutes looking in the children’s section at books then wandered round to the clothing. He wasn’t being a nuisance at all, I’m genuinely the first to pull him up on any misbehaviour or cheekiness.

He’d sat on a dinner style chair, not one for sale, and I looked down for about ten seconds at a clothes rail but he was still in my line of sight. The till was behind me and I glanced back to see the shop assistant giving him daggers, a real dirty look. Glanced back and DSS is just sat on the chair. I walked over to the lady working and the conversation went like this:

Me: Is everything alright?
Her: What’s the matter?
Me: I’m asking if you are alright?

She’s just glaring at me, giving me daggers.

I ended up just walking out, I’ve encountered her before whilst shopping alone and she’d been very abrupt with me at the till to the point I come home and complained to DP. I was expecting her to tell me what he’d done.

I hadn’t let him run riot, he was about a metre in front of me but I’d taken my eyes off him to glance down for no more than 10 seconds.

I heard another assistant turning away a donation, saying they’ve just got no one buying at the moment and they’re overrun with stock. I don’t really feel like returning either to be honest.

Was I unreasonable or was she?

OP posts:
PerfectTuesday · 28/07/2025 18:20

She looked at your son the wrong way? Give over, OP - that's the sort of thing thick, beered-up blokes start fights over!

HunnyPot · 28/07/2025 18:18

She might just be a bitch. Not much you can say to change her face.

WimbyAce · 28/07/2025 18:15

Tbf I have found charity shop people the most unfriendly and miserable shop staff. I have felt like a hindrance when I have taken in donations and they are never grateful. Nowadays I sell my stuff on vinted.

CurbsideProphet · 28/07/2025 18:09

lostalil · 28/07/2025 16:39

Would you not ask someone who was scowling at you if something was wrong?

Show quote history

No I wouldn't. If I noticed I would just ignore. I don't care enough about random people and their facial expressions to start an argument.

pinkdelight · 28/07/2025 17:52

tripleginandtonic · 28/07/2025 17:50

Nor me.

Show quote history

Nor me. Yet meanwhile the dickheads who play stuff out loud on their phones on buses get all the daggers looks and seem blissfully oblivious to them. Weird!

tripleginandtonic · 28/07/2025 17:50

RimTimTagiDim · 28/07/2025 16:41

It's amazing how many people on MN are always experiencing dirty looks from strangers when doing nothing to warrant it. Never happens to me.

Nor me.

KilkennyCats · 28/07/2025 17:50

lostalil · 28/07/2025 16:44

I agree with you completely. The shop is quite kid friendly though to be honest. There’s always plenty of children in there and even a sign encouraging the children to play with the toys. We’d already been round the other section to look at the books and not made a mess or even touched the toys.

She probably is a volunteer, but agreed, it doesn’t excuse it.

Show quote history

A sign encouraging kids to play with the toys??

UsingAMansNameInAWomensWorld · 28/07/2025 17:48

You're the one coming off abrupt and aggressive tbh

And you had already made your mind up you didn't like her so were probably ready for anything she did to annoy you

Hodgemollar · 28/07/2025 17:46

I think you were unnecessarily aggressive and confrontational over a perceived look.

Needmorelego · 28/07/2025 17:45

Some people are just grumpy.
Your question was a worded a bit odd.
"Is everything alright" has nothing that is obvious that you were talking about your step -son.
🤔

SalmonAndHorseradish · 28/07/2025 17:45

OP: AIBU?
Everyone: Yes
OP: No I'm not

Not sure why you bothered posting on here if you don't want to hear opinions. I agree that it isn't nice to feel glared at, but as PP said, some people just have naturally grumpy expressions. The fact that she asked what the matter was when you asked if she was ok suggests she had no idea why you were asking, so in all likelihood she probably wasn't 'glaring' at you and was simply keeping an eye on you, which is part of her job. Chalk it up to a misunderstanding and forget about it.

SilkCottonTree · 28/07/2025 17:43

lostalil · 28/07/2025 17:32

I should have been more upfront, you are right. I think I was just taken aback because I wouldn’t expect to be looked at like that as an adult, let alone a child sat & actually behaving.

Show quote history

So did the child even notice this was happening? Most children are oblivious to how their behaviour is affecting anyone else around them or how people are looking at them - so there was really no need for you to have aggressively confronted the shop worker on the kid's behalf.

The poor shop worker may or may not have been 'glaring' the child but the fact they did not say anything means that they did not want to escalate the situation, which you decided to anyway. As a previous poster mentioned a lot of charity shop volunteers are neurodiverse so may not be able to mask their expression appropriately so you were possibly acting in a discriminatory way towards them and would probably be doing them a favour if you self-exclude yourself from visiting the shop.

pinkdelight · 28/07/2025 17:39

Well you could've been more articulate for sure. It would've come across quite nutty just to start on them with a chippy "Is everything all right?" out of the blue. The looking daggers is subjective as many have said here and as my nan said, "A cat may look at a queen." If you weren't doing anything wrong, there was really no need to get into it, but you sound like you're already wound up by her and spoiling for a reaction. YABU.

Dontlletmedownbruce · 28/07/2025 17:34

lostalil · 28/07/2025 17:06

No, what is aggressive, is to scowl at a child who was doing nothing wrong.

Would you be happy for a stranger, to do this to you or your child? It’s passive aggressive and rude. She could have very easily have used her words.

Show quote history

I agree it's weird and I wouldn't like it, but she didn't say anything and I think it was more rude of you to approach her and confront her.

CurlewKate · 28/07/2025 17:33

To be honest-it sounds to me as if you were in the wrong!

FrostiesAreCornflakesForPeopleWhoCantFaceReality · 28/07/2025 17:33

Why be passive aggressive? Why not just come right out with what you meant, rather than keep asking her if she was “alright”?

I’m not saying she wasn’t out of order btw. The best way to deal with people like this is to vote with your feet.

Original poster
lostalil · 28/07/2025 17:32

B1anche · 28/07/2025 17:31

You really do sound like you were looking for an argument. If someone was staring or scowling at my child, I would ask outright if he'd done something to upset them. This can easily be done in a friendly, non-threatening way, and would have put your mind at rest straight away.

Edited

I should have been more upfront, you are right. I think I was just taken aback because I wouldn’t expect to be looked at like that as an adult, let alone a child sat & actually behaving.

OP posts:
DeLaRuiz · 28/07/2025 17:31

I am quite confused here. How could it possibly matter if the lady in the charity shop came across as a bit grumpy? Maybe she has back ache, who knows?!

B1anche · 28/07/2025 17:31

You really do sound like you were looking for an argument. If someone was staring or scowling at my child, I would ask outright if he'd done something to upset them. This can easily be done in a friendly, non-threatening way, and would have put your mind at rest straight away.

Viviennemary · 28/07/2025 17:30

She was probably keeping an eye on him in case he did misbehave. Which children sometimes do. I think you were tne wrong to challenge her in the way you did.

Original poster
lostalil · 28/07/2025 17:30

Bearinthesmallmessyflat · 28/07/2025 17:23

My dying with second hand embarrassment for you op.

She was probably just staring off into the distance thinking about what to have for dinner or whether she needs to get bog roll rather than intentionally staring at your stepson

I’m glad you were there, silly me for confusing her absent minded daydreaming and what was a quite mean look.

He was a metre in front to the right sat against a wall, her a metre behind me to the right and leaning over the side of the counter so not facing the front of the till and so directly opposite.

OP posts:
Original poster
lostalil · 28/07/2025 17:26

CherryYellowCouch · 28/07/2025 17:16

Me: Is everything alright?
Her: What’s the matter?
Me: I’m asking if you are alright?

Obv written word doesn't always convey tone but this doesn’t sound friendly. And if she wasn’t glaring at your child then quite reasonably she’d have been confused and a bit abrupt in responding to what feels quite confrontational.

She didn’t tell the child off, she didn’t complain to you about his behaviour or yours, so from her perspective it’s quite possible she had an entirely inexplicable interaction with you.

Edited
Show quote history

Quite possibly but as I say, she was most definitely glaring. I may have come across as sarcastic, going over quite chirpily but as I’d known from a previous interaction, she’s comes across as abrupt and rude.

OP posts:
BerryTwister · 28/07/2025 17:24

OP I think your should have been more specific about what your concerns were. As others have said, she may not have been aiming a hard stare at DSS, it might just be the way her face falls. Also, in my experience, a lot of charity shop workers are neurodiverse, so can come across in a way they don’t intend to. You were right to question the hard stare, but if you were so sure it was directed malevolently at your DSS, you should have sought to clarify why.

Bearinthesmallmessyflat · 28/07/2025 17:23

My dying with second hand embarrassment for you op.

She was probably just staring off into the distance thinking about what to have for dinner or whether she needs to get bog roll rather than intentionally staring at your stepson

ChristPleaseJustStop · 28/07/2025 17:23

Something is missing here. I'd be willing to bet that you took your eyes off your stepson for a lot longer than 10 seconds, he was a nuisance and the volunteer was then taken aback when you tried to start an argument with her by being bolshy.

Am I right, or am I right?

Swipe left for the next trending thread