Individual savings for mat leave

Why should you accept that his salary is his own to spend on himself but yours needs to cover all expenses relating to not only yourself but your joint child? Do you not think you and your child are worth more?

Because he has the income to help cover it, he just has decided REPEATEDLY to spend more on himself knowing it would impact his ability to afford a child.

Well if he can't afford for one of you to take parental leave, it doesn't sound like he can afford to have children, I'm afraid. Of course, on the one hand, your personal savings are also his as you're married. But on the other, I would be, like you be keeping finances as separate as possible under the circumstances. Although, of course, as you're married, that's not legally completely possible. It sounds as though he's been making financial decisions that affect both of you, without you

As others have said, though, it's the attitude that's most worrying. He hasn't worked to bring down the debt while you've been waiting to start a family. He sees the cost of maternity leave as a cost for you to shoulder. I'm sure you've seen the miriad of threads where mothers are (inexplicably) expected to shoulder the financial and childcare responsibilities of children. If you do this, you'd be accepting that that is the life you are walking into with eyes open, I'm afraid.

I'm so sorry you're faced with this. I can't imagine how crushingly disappointing that conversation must have been.

It’s not a red herring at all. He doesn’t earn less. He is fiscally irresponsible and pisses his money away and will continue to do so leaving you to be the adult in the relationship who has to scrimp and save all the time to afford living.

So when you’re on mat leave you have to pay, when the kids need clothes it’s on you, school
trip you’re paying, new car to fit kids in, you’re paying for that too. While he buys whatever he wants for himself.

Throw this one back. Bet he thinks while you're at home you can clean, do the dinner, do all domestic admin etc. Then you should be taking all the time off work when your nursery/school child/ren are ill/on school holidays. When you inevitably divorce: Why should you get any money, you've only had a pin money job/enjoyed yourself at home while he labours away.

No, of course you should not be paying 50% when you're on maternity pay. You can't afford the future you want because of this man's fiscal inability. Leave now, spare yourself this inevitable future path!

Well if after contributing to households costs and paying his debts he has hardly anything left, then it doesn’t seem like there is any option but for you to fund it, because it sounds like he literally can’t.

But what is wrong with him? He said he’d sort the debts but instead has just continued to add to them? It doesn’t sound like he’s in debt because he’s paying for necessities so why can’t he get a grip of it? Is this a sensible person to have a child with?

You will be taking time off to give birth to and raise HIS CHILD. He should be covering the shortfall.

Jesus Christ DO NOT HAVE BABIES WITH HIM

How much is the debt? Like £15k that may be manageable if you pick up a bit of extra household costs and he could pay off in a year or so…or are we talking 50k+?

DC are expensive. How will you fund raising a child after maternity leave?

Ignoring everything else about whether it’s a good idea to plan to have a child in this situation (because loads have commented, but most comments seem very ivory tower based).

At a very very practical level, mat leave is child care. Most two parent households see child care as a joint cost. So the earnings lost through mat leave are a joint cost to cover between the two parents. Be that through savings, through changing the budget things work to, or whatever.

Sorry, just seen you are married.

Find someone else.

He has an addiction and that addiction is himself. And you say he has no inclination to resolve it.

Do not ever marry him, do not take on a mortgage and find someone else if you really need a child.

He seems to be treating the thought of a baby as some little hobby for you that he will expect you to fund totally.

Not meaning to be alarmist but what if you or the baby were to be ill after the birth, what if you couldn’t go back to work after maternity leave? It doesn’t look like you could depend on him.

if you want to keep the relationship going you’ll need to agree a plan going forward no trying for a baby until he pays off the debts or at least pays off a chunk, more importantly he doesn’t add to it.
Then have a proper conversation about how to share baby related costs, children cost for at least 18yrs so maternity leave is only a tiny part of a much bigger picture.

If he has no spare money because of debt, and he's not clearing that debt, who is going to pay nursery fees? Who will buy nappies and wipes and baby clothes? School shoes? Holiday club fees?

It's going to be you, isn't it.

Without the debt could he afford the example 80/20?

I wouldn’t be putting myself in to the vulnerable position of having a child with a man who is so financially irresponsible.

Will this child be the responsibility of his or her mother, or will it have two parents? He should contribute. Unfortunately he doesn't have the financial maturity. :-(

OP I’d be really careful about conceiving with this man at the moment, because if he’s struggling to live within his means without children he’s going to spiral downwards after they’re born - they’re not cheap and the costs will be ongoing!

When my partner and I found out each of our children were on the way we both contributed £1k each into my maternity savings account every month during the lead up to help with costs once they were born, despite me earning more than my partner he has always wanted to contribute an equal amount which is how it should be. So I think with your situation his reluctance to contribute equally is a bit of a warning sign

Id think twice about having a child with someone so financially irresponsible.

this Isn’t a good foundation for a baby.

I agree with the posters saying don't do this. How will he pay his share of baby/nursery costs? You both need to go have another look at this or could both end up in a lot of debt.

He can’t afford children. And they don’t get cheaper.

I agree op that the debt is a red herring. Mumsnetters are generally a fiscally sensible bunch but the fact is ongoing debt is the norm for many families.

The serious issue is his attitude to your mat leave and refusal to work in financial partnership with you, it's outrageous for him to say it's all your responsibility to save up for it and suggests minimal commitment to having a family unfortunately.

I think you need to think long and hard about having dc with this man...

The savings debt issue isn’t your problem. Your problem is that you feel unable to call it a day on this relationship and walk off.

Sorry, when I say red herring I just mean that the reason for discrepancy in disposable income doesn’t really seem important here. The baby is both of yours so in my view you should both be impacted (financially and generally) equally. If you can’t both afford to save to fund mat leave and subsequent childcare costs, and you don’t both agree on a compromise, it’s not off to a good footing.