Child’s friend insulted house

It’s not “everything” though is it. 🙄

We purposefully have a small house and my daughter had the same sort of comments from friends. She responded, 'only 3 people live here, how big do you think a house should be?'

When we sent our DCs to a school where there was a lot of wealth, we explained beforehand that most people there would have much bigger houses, better cars and holidays.
we also said it wasn’t a competition and that we were happy with what we had.

So apart from one occasion where younger DC came back from a play date and asked why we didn’t have “Land” , which we laughed at, it was fine

She's a child. She's curious. Kids wonder about anything that looks different to their norm. Its not an insult.

I'd just say that perhaps we have less money than her family, but our house meets our family's needs, and while we are on the subject, just a heads up, but people can find such comments or observations quite rude, so perhaps it would be best not to make them.

When I was about 11, I remember trying to describe my house to a friend when I'd visited hers for the first time. I drew a diagram just to show the relative layouts, shapes and sizes. I had no intention to brag - I actually thought her house was better because she lived near other friends and they had shops and buses and all sorts of exciting things that we didn't. I was shocked when she later told me I'd been insulting.

The child is 8, you're an adult get a grip.

Yesterday my almost 4 year old told my friend that we live in a normal house and she doesn’t.

We live in a 3 bed semi, my friend lives in a knocked through row of listed cottages with a huge garden.

Kids comment on difference.

Yes, exactly! One person’s Sign of Obvious Poverty is another person’s Sign of Infinite Good Taste. 😀

You're only bothered because you feel bad that you have a smaller house. It's tricky for small kids to learn that commenting on houses, bodies, cars etc is rude when they're being factual, not judgemental. They don't necessarily get the difference between compliments and insults. Older than 8 I would expect them to be learning.

Sounds like it's more about your insecurity than your child's.

We get this all the time when my kids' friends come around, as most of them live in a house with a garden and our flat is exceptionally small with no outdoor space.

I have never found it rude or insulting because they are children and it is obvious when they have never seen a similar type of home. The comments are just neutral observations.

If a child were using a demeaning tone or trying to cause offence I would take note, but that has never been the case.

If my own child made a comment that an adult would know is rude, I would make sure to fill them in on the background (in this case, different homes that exist) and at some point it would be appropriate to let them know what might seem impolite or hurtful, but not in the moment.

When my own kids do complain that "all" their friends live in lovely houses, I do point out that certain friends never invite anyone home and this is because they are more overcrowded than we are by far, so they are comparing themselves with an unrepresentative set of people.

Hopefully your daughter won't internalise the idea that a smaller home is shameful and will continue to treat it as if her friend commented on anything else that she noticed.

My son once had a friend round at about the same age who took one look at our garden and said “Our garden is a thousand times bigger than your garden!” Turned out it was true - his family owned loads of land - including a deer park! I also remember when I was a very little girl, pre school, visiting a child and asking where her playroom was. She showed me to a tiny tiled hallway - where there was only just about enough room for us both to stand - and told me that this was her playroom. I was very confused.

They're kids

Yeah we got it from a boy in year 3. He pointed out we didn’t have a play room nor a very big garden. He wasnt being spiteful, just making an observation. The fact that we lived in a £1m house was neither here nor there to him as he lived in a £2m house. All depends on your point of reference!

She's 8. She's probably just thinking it's a genuine question and wouldn't understand that you find it insulting. How can an 8 year old understand how finances and house prices work? They'd be as likely to see photos of starving children and wonder why their parents didn't just go out and buy a takeaway - it's naivety, not bitchiness.

It's not a particularly appropriate thing to say and if she keeps bringing it up, it's annoying and a little rude. I would be tempted to shut her right down. "Yes our house may be smaller than yours, but it is rude to keep commenting on it."

Well done your child for rising above it. Your house may be smaller but your child is better brought up.

8years old is old enough to have good manners. She should have been taught that you don't comment on someone having less than you, anything, clothes, cars, trainers etc... kids that age are very aware and can be spiteful bullies.

I remember being at grammar school in the 80s and friends asking why I didn't have a dining room. We lived in a 2 up 2 down terrace compared to friends with large detached houses. It did hurt and I was reluctant to invite them round.

Why do you care what an 8 year old thinks?

We spent an absolute fortune restoring the original floorboards in our house.

DS1’s friend was horrified at the idea we couldn’t afford carpets 😂

When I was young I did the opposite. My mam had explained to me that big houses are expensive and we couldn’t afford one as big as my granddads (or something like that) so we visited some family friends and I said ‘wow you must be soooo rich because your house is huge’ I’m sure my mam was mortified, but I remember the lady saying that she had more children etc. but I was very black and white about it, I’m sure had we been to a tiny house I’d have either thought or said they were poor.

I also taught some very rich children, I remember one not believing me they some
people had never been on an aeroplane and same child asked me very matter of factly
where my ski chalet is… ‘my ski chalet is in vernier, where is yours?’ I explained to him as well as I could about not everyone having the same things etc. I do sometimes wonder what he’s like as an adult (he’ll be 19 now!) as he really didn’t have any concept of his own privilege at age 8.

@Spicychili

Also, re; your 'small' house, we have a small-ish house too, and I have had a couple of people commenting on it, including a woman I used to be sort of friends with a few years ago (not anymore!) She has a large 4 bed detached house 15 minutes walk from me, and has made snide and disparaging remarks about our 'tiny' 2 bed cottage, but I don't care because I love it, we have a big garden, and we were mortgage free - in our late 40s. (Been here over a decade.) We downsized from a big 4 bed, and were glad to be free of all the cleaning, maintenance, and high energy bills!!!

So I wasn't remotely envious of her. She thought I was, and I explained I absolutely am NOT, because I had a big house before, and chose to downsize. Also, she and her DP had to take out a £200K mortgage at 50 and 52 years of age, (to buy said huge house!) and they had a MASSIVE monthly payment that took half their monthly income. (The house was £280K and they took £80K from a previous property. This was 2012-ish) They previously had a 2 bed flat, and for some reason, even though neither of them had children, and they were in their 50s, they felt the need to take out a huge mortgage, for a big 4 bed house! For 2 of them. Fine if you're young, as you may have children somewhere down the line, but they were in their 50s!

They have ZERO surplus income. They haven't been on holiday for 9-10 years, or bought any new clothes or new household gadgets, and they never go out to the pub, or out for meals. They can't even afford to decorate, and the house still has the 1993 decor and carpets that have been there since the house was built. They have a 2003 Ford Fiesta that's falling apart, as they have not been able to update the car.

Yeah, DH and I will take our TINY cottage ta! (And our large amount of monthly surplus income!)

.

For an 8 year old to comment that a house is small is not rude, it's accurate.

For adults or older children, who understand the nuances and implications of "small house" vs "large house" it is potentially rude and definitely insensitive.

You are being way too sensitive.

The reality is that if your house is smaller and you have less money than your DD's friends' families, that's just a fact. That does not make you less of a good person, less of a good mother or your DD less of a good friend. And anyone who does think that is, frankly, not someone you want in your life anyway.

Don’t be ridiculous, you can’t police everything your DC says.