DH overreacting over

Your post title notes that DH is overreacting. I not think he is overeating. If I found out my FIL had hit one of my DC’s I would be livid and it would permanently affect my relationship with them.

That said, you have a separate issue with DH not pulling his weight at all which absolutely needs addressing. Gently OP, I think your desire for some extra help and a (small) rest has coloured your take on the incident with your DD and DF. If you knew you were going home to a supportive partner who you’d be sharing the load with, would you be so quick to try and justify DF’s actions so you could stay?

Op if you do nothing else you should at least make it very clear to your child that what your dad did was completely unacceptable. A heartfelt apology from your dad to his grandchild would be best (him apologizing to you, while something, is much less important and I really hope you realize this)

Make sure he understands that any relationship discord/holiday ruining etc is not because he disclosed an assault, but because someone assaulted him.

Its SO important he understands that this wasn't his fault in any way. The feelings of shame and internalized 'I deserved to be treated like this' are what's really behind continuing cycles of abuse.

He could always fly out to join them and spend some time actually parenting his own kids?

Your DH can fuck off. How dare he cut your time short, without discussion. Is he often like that? I can imagine that if ypu decided to not get on the plane, he would have a fit. Yet, expects compliance from you. Not good.

I also think there is MAJOR 'do as i say and not as I do,' from PP on this thread.

A couple of weeks ago, my friend was telling me about the time her FIL had slapped her 15 year old son.l, who was playing a very stupid prank in a hot tub in front of younger cousins. 1st time ever, fear and anger had triggered it. Humiliation for my friend's son, obviously. Her husband witnessed it, so major discomfort for him. All awful and there were tears, recrimantions and uncomfortable conversations between all.of the family ( also all.on holiday) That was 3 years ago. Now it is just a story told with a wince. Families are messy, because people are messy if your father feels terrible, and most certainly will have seen how other people judge him now, tjat would satisfy me.

I think the real problem is with your husband. I feel you are being alientated.

I was hit in the face many times as a child. I can still remember the pain, the sound the fear. Talk to your daughter and see how it has affected her its not your experience to minimise.

But from ops reaction, does he trust that she will not leave the kids alone with her parents again?

Op doesn't seem to be too angry or shocked by the smack. She thinks its a grain of sand out of a molehill and has just told her dad not to do it again.

She hasnt said she won't not be leaving the kids alone with parents again, in fact she is annoyed that she now won't get her decompression if she leaves holiday early and she leaves kids with parents whilst she runs errands in the heat

Maybe the kids dad can't trust they wont be put in a situation where they are hit for making a little mistake again(dropping a tv remote)

Your husband is being too forceful but you still seem to think that it would be OK to leave your children with your parents again. We look after our grandchildren quite a lot. When we start to get annoyed because a 5 year old dropped a remote or woke us up, it is time to stop looking after them.
Surely your parents should stay awake while looking after young children.
Most parents would take their kids to the beach on the first day as they would have been looking forward to it.

It's not up to your husband to say you have to come home now. What will happen if you don't?
Your dad was massively out of order but he seems to realise that. I would stay but I wouldn't leave my children alone with your dad. Obviously it's up to you but you see your partner once a year. If your husband is so worried, perhaps he should have come with you so he could parent his children while you had a break.

As well as controlling his wife. There's more to this.

Your husband is being controlling and there is no way he should have just booked flights home without discussing it with you first. He would have every right to say he does not want you to leave the children alone with your father again, he doesnt get to cut short your holiday.

Have you spoken to him? As you have your own accommodation I would be saying I am not cutting my holiday short and disappointing the children.

I think your husband is in a really difficult situation and is helpless as he is in another country

He is told by his tearful child they have been hit by another adult. His immediate reaction is to get his kid out of there to protect them

I do think you are minimising this op. I genuinely think if it was anyone else who had hit your child round the back of the head, you would he angrier and your impulse would be to remove them from that person.

Your husband is probably upset by your reaction to your dad hitting your child...you are almost accepting it ("it was just a flick, he never hit us...")

Maybe booking flights is an over reaction, especially since you have your own accommodation however, I don't think your husband is wrong for wanting to do that...maybe he was wrong for actually doing it

I also think reactions are different since its the mothers parents here. I think if a dad was posting his kids mum wanted the kids home from another country because they had been hit by his father, posters would be saying its the mums decision

I'd spend a day just you and the kids today. Speak to husband without the kids in earshot and plan what to do next when it isnt the heat of the moment

The hitting is awful but so are you for trying to get DC to recount the episode in an attempt to persuade your DH to drop it. That's coercive behaviour.

I would not let your dc alone with your parents any longer regardless of whether you choose to go home early this time or not.

As pp has mentioned, your 5yo is going to learn that disclosing abuse cost her a holiday and caused everyone to be upset and a massive falling out, she'll be less likely to tell you things in future

It seems like there's a cultural difference here, did your parents actually know that you don't hit the kids? mine had to have it explained repeatedly but they were quite heavy handed when we were young.

I would stay in your accomodation and avoid leaving the kids with your parents.

What will happen if you ask your DH to cancel the flights?

You're dealing with two difficult men. Both are in the wrong. Clearly, your dad shouldn't have done what he did but equally, you husband doesn't get to make a large decision like that without even consulting you. You are currently in charge of the children. How you handle it is up to you. Whatever you do, it's probably best not to leave your parents in charge again. It sounds like they can't cope with two little ones.

Excellent advice. I agree that what your DF did was not acceptable, but your DH needs to understand how the DC are likely to react in future if their holiday is cut short now.

The way forward now is for your DC not to be alone with your DF and you focus on giving them a great holiday.

OK @NoWinnersOnlyLosers.

Firstly, it is not acceptable for your dad to cuff your child round the back of the head. But you already know that.

Secondly, where is your husband in all this? Why isn't he with you? You say you are the "default parent". So he doesn't look after your kids the rest of the time, and he hasn't come away with you. What is he doing? What actual parenting is he bringing to the table here? Because if he hasn't come away with you he was presumably either expecting you to continue parenting 24/7 whilst on holiday and not get a break at any point, or he anticipated that your parents would watch the kids at some point. Someone who doesn't do any actual parenting isn't in a position to throw his weight around. It's no good going through the roof about something that happened when his child was in the care of someone else, when he never actually cares for her himself.

It is also totally unacceptable for him to spend a huge amount of family money without consulting you.

I would tell him to call the airline and see if he can get a refund on those flights, because otherwise he will have just flushed (thousands of pounds) family money down the toilet.

If you get on the plane he will continue to think he can call the shots whilst continuing to do fuck all to actually parent his own children. You need to teach him a lesson.

If he can't get a refund on the flights tell him to see if he can change them to a flight out to where you are for himself so he can come and take care of his own bloody children and give you the break you deserve.

Is your husband there with you? Has he cancelled the original return flights?

I think it was a complete over reaction to book flights home when you are not even staying with your parents. You just don't have to see them if your husband wants to punish your parents. Like why else would he decide to cut your holiday short?

I would refuse to go if the return flights are still booked. Assuming you've paid for your accommodation also that would get wasted.

I think your husbands reaction is because he doesn't like your family and wants you home so he can say you aren't allowed to visit again. He sounds controlling.

He’s acting as a responsible parent. His child was hit by an adult so he’s removing his kids from this situation.

Your husband wasn’t and isn’t there, it should be down to you. If you and the children want to stay that’s what you do.
The fact that you say you never get a break plus your husband taking over and dictating this situation is alarming.

I’d struggle to speak to my dad ever again if he hit one of my kids btw.

Still doesn’t mean the DH can just decide and book a flight for you without discussing it with you.

This is what it sounds like.

This.

Tell your DH that if the kids come home, he has to book time off work to have the kids as you are flying back to spend time with family and friends.

Or he can actually trust your judgement and that you won’t leave your kids alone with your parents.

What on earth was your dad thinking though?!

You're the one not reacting enough here. He's getting your child out of a shit situation.

I'm taking from this that your DH is not with you on the holiday, hence the video call with him. Some things I'm wondering...

1. If it was 'just a flick' on the back of the head, why was your 5yo in tears when you got home?
2. If the situation was reversed, and your DH was the one visiting his DP when this happened, would you be happy for him to stay there with the DC?
3. Is your DH taking time off over the summer holidays for your DC and you to have a holiday or staycation together? If not why not?
4. Your husband must have some break days from his work week, even if not a traditional weekend. Does he do any parenting then to give you chance to have a break from the DC? If not, why not?

Your DH does come across as a bit controlling, although I too would want my DC away from someone who has hit them. It's not unusual for a PT parent to take on more of the childcare and housework/admin if the other is full time and long hours, but you still need to have some "you time", and you need to sit with him and discuss how you can achieve that.

Exactly