DH overreacting over

I think a one-off blow to the head by a caregiver might be equally as damaging to a child as seeing her mother behaving like its not a big deal (I dont know how much effort OP has gone to to communicate this directly to her child with words, but it seems clear that her actions i.e. not leaving and blaming her husband for 'overreacting and ruining the holiday' give this message).

If i was your husband op, AND I got the impression from talking to you that you weren't going to step up appropriately, then I would also take the rather extreme action he has taken.

Absolutely shocking that you’d even consider staying tbh. I would never forgive anyone for hitting my child. At least your poor daughter has one parent looking out for her.

Also, you say you only ‘get a break’ when your children are at school… so that’s 5 days a week for most of the year then…? Gosh how do you manage

You decide here what happens.

I'd be reading the riot act to my father. To both parents really. I'd stay for the rest of the planned holiday but the parents wouldn't get unsupervised access to the children again. The children would be coming with me wherever I was going. The end.

If my husband decided unilaterally to book earlier flights without consulting me then I would tell him I wouldn't be taking them. I would tell him that I am perfectly capable of keeping the children safe by keeping them with me from now on and that I now knew my father in particular was sadly no longer capable of looking after small children so wouldn't be left with them.

I would be angry at my father for his behaviour. I would also be angry at my husband because I am capable of booking my own flights should it be needed.

So you left your children with a man who gets angry and slaps children if they drop a remote, and you don't seem that angry about it. You never get a break even though you have a functioning husband at home. You allow your husband to dictate when you leave a holiday to see your parents?

Do you have any agency of your own? Or do you just go along with what the men say in your life? If you want to stay, then stay for God's sake. Are you a child? Are you scared of your husband? Then I would absolutely never leave the children alone with their grandparents ever again. Then I would tell your husband he needs to look after your children sometimes so that you can get a break when you get back.

Your DH is in the right. I don’t understand anyone saying he’s being controlling? Would you be happy for your 5yo DC to stay in a house with a person who hit them? He booked flights for all of them because the kids clearly can’t fly home alone. If OP wants to stay, then she can ask him to collect the kids. There’s no way I’d allow my children to stay in a situation like this and if my partner thought otherwise then we’d be having serious issues.

Also, those saying to stay but keep a close eye etc, OP clearly wants her parents to watch the kids so she can get a break and go out with friends. If she stays, she is very obviously planning to leave the children alone with her parents again.

You’re setting a very poor example to your child, OP. Let’s hope it doesn’t have consequences in her future relationships…

I don’t think your parents are capable of looking after your children on their own.
If you decide to stay, you should not leave your children either them again ever.

So your child was physically assaulted by your dad no bother what a physical assault on a child perfectly fine yet your husband trying to protect said child how dare he

This

Your father sounds a worry but your domineering husband sounds a much bigger worry.

I can't offer any advice but suspect there'll be worsening drama ahead.

This 110%

My dad used to smack me when I was young if I did something bad
my first serious relationship when I was 19 was with someone who was physically abusive
I’m sure the 2 things were related

During your children's childhood you get the opportunity to model to them what is and is not acceptable that they put up with.
You can either give them the boundaries to protect themselves and be away from people who hurt them, or you can teach them that it's OK if someone they love, and expect to love them back hits them, because they've said sorry.

Yes, husbands reaction will feel like he's controlling, but he is showing strong protection instincts of your daughter that you are not.

You need to get on that plane, and never leave your children unattended with your father again, because this is a situation that will shape her expectations in the future....

Please understand that if this is something that is just moved on from and accepted, she's so much more likely to be in a domestically violent relationship when she's older, because she's going to learn, it's OK to be hit if they say sorry.

What age is your Dad, is he elderly? You say he never laid a hand on you growing up...
It sounds like he is too old to be minding small children. My own gorgeous father became very short tempered when elderly and wouldn't have been able for small children... he may (like my father ) have undiagnosed early dementia,/Parkinson's or something like that... They were managing small children they were not used to and his wife was sleeping so she was clearly exhausted from it (is she unwell?)

if you've previously had a good relationship with your parents I would push back on your DH and stay (him making unilateral decisions i would find unacceptable). But needless to say I wouldn't leave your children alone with your parents again, they are clearly not able for it.

Wow your husband is showing you up - you look like a crappy parent in gaslighting him into thinking he’s making a big deal of something terrible, and an enabler and apologist. You don’t give someone a second chance to do something a second time. What example are you setting for your daughter never mind not protecting her. I actually misread at first and thought it was hand slap. He hit her on the head and you aren’t furious. Shame on you.

Presumably her husband is the working parent and can’t just take 2 weeks off with no notice. Unrealistic!

She wouldn’t know because she was out with friends and her 5yr old was alone with grandad as grandma was sleeping. It sounds like he hit her hard on the head and she cried. Shes only 5 and was upset enough to remember and tell her Dad on a later call. Anyone with children that age knows they get over and move on from things first so she was obviously upset! And I understand why her Dad has reacted and asked for the kids to come home. I wouldn’t want my child upset in a house with someone that hit them and hadn’t even bloody apologized! WTF OP?

My children would not be staying even one more day in a house where they had been hit , your daughter is 5 she dropped a remote & a grown man's reaction was to slap her,its unacceptable you should absolutely be leaving.its pretty disgusting that you want to stay there still .

Hmmm, there are a few perspectives to this story and they're all interesting imho.

Firstly, the OP, as another poster has pointed out is very passive, and worryingly quite dismissive about a ' flick across the head' of a 5 year old child for simply dropping a remote...
(I might say something else if the child kicked granny , or was being deliberately unkind or cruel in some way, (not that these would totally excuse it) but for a bit of a clumsy handling accident, jeez!?)

Then, the husband, stuck at home, assumedly working & probably paying for all this, in another country, hearing about his poor little 5 year daughter getting struck by his wife's dad, from his other daughter on a video call.... also maybe that the said same wife hadn't mentioned it already when he had spoken with her assumedly, or possibly even the daughter hinted her mother hadn't done much about it also. Some posters are saying he is overeacting, however unless there was a wholehearted apology to the child and to both of her parents, with a sincere promise that this was an impulsive, one off mistake, which will never, ever happen again, then tbh, I think he has a right to do what he's trying to do. I.e. to protect his daughters from his wife's father, (i.e. his temper) especially when his wife is so blooming passive, and accepting of poor behaviour, and seems far more interested in continuing with the vacation & catch up than addressing a nasty incident that was inflicted on their 5 yr old daughter by her dad.

And the OP stating that the husband is only trying to ruin her & the kids relationship with her parents. Well sorry, this is just so self absorbed and deluded thinking by the OP in this case imho.

Thirdly, the grand parents may well like to see their grand kids but perhaps they don't want or need to be left with all of them. They may well find them over whelming & tiring (we know granny was asleep) and grandad may have made a bad impulsive error at the end of his tether. Sorry the OP sounds more than a little self absorbed so she may not have noticed how imposing & wearing their staying with the grandparents is on the older couple.

There is also the 5 year old daughter's perspective, I'd say she was quite shocked but I think any idea of asking her about staying on & making it her decision is simply stupid. I mean she's already had enough crap without having the pressure of calling the holiday short put on her. That's a dumb idea.

Basically, the OP needs to woman the fup up and fast. She needs to get to the bottom of this, get a sincere apology to the child and her & the child's dad from her father, and if her parents are indeed overwhelmed she needs to make other arrangements for her family holiday now & quickly.

She also needs to stop dumpling her kids with other people while on a family holiday and keep her husband in the loop on the comings & goings of each day so he doesn't have to hear from another (possibly endangered) party about his 5 year old daughter getting hit across the head for nothing!!!

If you feel that it's the safe and sensible option to stay, then I think you need to speak to your father and ask him to explain what happened directly to your DH. If, after speaking, your DH is still insistent that he doesn't want the DC around your father, perhaps your father could go and stay elsewhere for the duration of your visit. You could then continue your holiday, but your father is the one "punished", rather than you and your DC.

FWIW, my dad clipped us round the ear when we were small, but he never hit my DC, as he knew we didn't. I think if the same situation had happened to us, I would have been very angry initially, but if I was convinced it was a one off, I would have stayed. I have to admit though, if DH was visiting his DPs with the DC and one of them hit our child, I'd probably have felt similarly to your DH, although I wouldn't have insisted on them returning immediately, but would have wanted to speak directly to the "hitter" to ensure they knew it was not to happen again.

Hopefully tempers will cool, apologies will follow, and you and your DH will be able to work together to find a solution whereby each of you is happy.

You still have your flights? Ask your dh to choose- you fly earlier and he takes over at home for 2 weeks while you get a break, or you stay, as your parents have apologised. But they cannot hit them. Ever.

if they are both at school and you don’t work that … doesn’t sound exhausting though?

Exactly this.

What's a square man?

Anyway if your dad is hitting your kids then it's right you should leave the house.

Can you just go to a hotel/ air b&b with them for the rest of the trip, and maybe see your mum separately? Rather than booking new flights?

But make it clear your dad isn't going to be seeing them and you're not staying in their house if he's there.

How old are your parents, @NoWinnersOnlyLosers ?

A difficult situation. If your DD5 is happy to stay, it’s a shame your Dad won’t get the chance to try to repair the damage he has done to the relationship with his grandchildren.

And what’s going to happen next year? Are you going to be able to come without your husband protesting?

It was your call and your DP is undermining your position. Hard to know what a “head slap” is though. Like was it a relatively soft cuff?

A flick on the head is hardly bad. Husband is massively overreacting

you don't have to do what your husband says.

is there anyone else you can stay with in the country you are in for the holiday? or even take an AirBnB for 2 weeks? then you can stay in holiday country and do the beach and see grandma but not have to stay in the same house

I also think there is a bit of a difference between grandpa tapping dd on the head and she cries from surprise (not pain) and grandpa hitting her with force that causes pain. which was it?

Do you work OP? I ask as you say you don’t ever get a break but then say you do when the children are at school.

Hell would freeze before I left my children with a grandparent that smacked them in the head. I find it hard to believe he’s never done this type of thing before, people don’t just suddenly hit small children over an accident. I truly don’t get a break as my youngest isn’t school age, I still wouldn’t leave them alone with someone that’s been violent, so how much of a break are you now actually going to get there?