To not want to look after my daughter any more

@Goaheadflameme you say she is recently diagnosed. What support are you receiving? She should have been referred for additional services following her diagnosis - e.g. SALT, OT etc. Did they say she has a PDA profile? If so, what resources are you accessing? Can you say a little more about how autism affects your dd other than the violence - what are her triggers?

I'm sorry for all the questions. But I could have written your post two years ago (dd is now 8). I actually called my dh on one occasion and told him I wanted to put her up for adoption. I cringe to read that sentence back and it makes me so sad. Our relationship now is very close, a whole world away from where we were. She's still undiagnosed, but we did manage to get some support from CAMHS. Other than that, it's been self taught strategies, getting to know and understand her, changing the way we parent her to accommodate her needs.

At the time, my own poor mental health as a result of all the chaos and violence was feeding the cycle. We became detached from one another. Once I was able to remain calm and walk away from the extremes, my own state of mind improved and I realised this wasn't the real her and she desperately needed me to help her re-regulate. So my advice to you is to prioritise yourself, take time out, do something regularly that you enjoy.

You've reached rock bottom in your relationship with her, but you cannot help and support her (or your family) if you don't first make yourself stronger. I'm so sorry you're going through this. But please take heart, it can improve. Most days nobody would know any more what we went through, or how hard she was to parent.

All of which is irrelevant aa the Ops daughter doesn't even have an EHCP at present so a residential school isn't even on the radar at the moment, I really don't think going into extreme cases is helpful how will it help the Op?

The threshold to get a child into residential is quite high. As it costs the local authorities anywhere between £250k-£500k a year for these placements.
I know of 3 families that had to do this. In two of the families; adopted boys who became such a danger to their parents and siblings that there was no choice. But parents had to beg for a few years before that happened. They were 12 years old when they finally went into 52 week residential. And my lovely single mum friend who had her 8 year old son forcibly removed from her because he had become a safeguarding issue to her. She didn't want that at all, she'd only ever wanted the LA to provide respite which didn't exist. But they took away her parental rights after he hospitalised her with concussion and she had no choice-she did get her rights back after 2 years of court cases. He's been in 3 residentials in the last 7 years and they have all been sub-par. He did have a a couple of years back home whilst they tried to find a bespoke solo placement which he is now in and during that time at home she had 2 male carer/pyschiatric nurses 24/7 in her home to keep her safe at a cost of nearly £2 million pounds a year to the LA.
Currently there is no adequate help for families facing child on parent/sibling violence.

What do you suggest the child is 8?

So is becoming a punchbag to your child part of mothering now? Doesn't seem like a good deal for women.

OP is the survivor of childhood abuse and triggered by the violence from her child. Is it reasonable to say she just needs to ‘step up to the plate’ without acknowledging her own trauma - and how that may impact on the rest of the family?

There are also other children in the house - are you suggesting social services do not consider it worthwhile to conduct a risk assessment for their safety, concentrating only on the child who inflicts the injuries on the rest of the family?

CAMHS and medication.

Then you need to claim Disability Living Allowance for her. There will be organisations in your area who can help you with the claim form, such as Citizens Advice etc. That might afford you some respite so you then get some time to decide on a way forward.

@ClosetBasketCase

Im just contemplating how you would get a child in the middle of an autistic meltdown to A&E

Unfortunately social services is going to consider 'the best interests of the child' and not do a holistic assessment of the family - because they simply cannot take on all the children whose families would be better off without them. That's the sad fact. OP is the parent and has to step up to the plate and take this on full time, as hard as that is.

My son has learning disabilities and doesn't understand when I say no and explain to him. I've noticed the triggers now and I've learned to change the subject to something else. I've always put a pillow in front of him when he was younger when I could see a meltdown coming he used to punch the pillow and cry to get his frustration out. It's so hard and I'm single mother as his dad passed away but I'm lucky I've got his older brother to help me. I got restbite, PA in place and day centres aswell

First time DS referral was refused, school intervened and CAMHS agreed to an assessment - further involvement was refused on the grounds his issues were ND related (this was prior to ASD diagnosis)

Second referral was made after our TAF (team around the family) worker requested it. Assessment done. Same as before.

Third referral after multiple appointments and months of DS talking about suicide/self harm, then escalating to school refusal - refused because he's on a waiting list for six sessions of counselling in a school he won't attend and can't cope with even seeing the building. And that's specialist provision within a mainstream school. There's not really anywhere else for him to go as the provision for children with EBSA is on the same site.

And he has started harming himself now - mildly so far, just scratches atm, so back to the GP who'll hopefully take it back to CAMHS.

When my 10yo was saying she "didn't want to exist" CAHMS advised we talk to the school SENCO.
Who was actually part of the fracking problem

DS was similar at this age, and targeted me during meltdowns, I had three visits to A&E - broken finger, head injury, punched in the eye. He would also bite me, at one point my right arm was just one huge bruise.

DS did get help with emotional regulation via a locally commissioned service provided by a charity, which improved things no end - it's hard to make recommendations when what's available can be so different in different areas.

OP should definitely ask for a carers assessment, and for help from social services and the local parenting team - you have to keep asking, and will probably have to spend a lot of time on the phone explaining the situation.

Also look for local charities - find the voluntary sector council for the area and see if they can signpost to any relevant organisations. Ask large charities like Barnardo's and Action for Children if they do anything locally.

And everyone saying CAMHS - we're on an our third time of being turned down by CAMHS, despite DS now talking about wanting to die/harm himself.

Yes, I agree.
OP be mindful of surrendering your parental rights, most of the autistic teenagers surrendered end up in psychiatric wards as longterm inpatients, I wouldn't wish the experience on my worst enemy. I would only considering it if I was half dead.
You can't get them out.
Patient 19 and investigating Essex are two podcasts that delve into the treatment these patients receive.
Do your very best in helping her overcome her issues and anxiety.

The same could be achieved by asking the school safeguarding lead to make a Children's services referral, or visiting the GP.

Because it means there is an actual record which is also verified by professionals and can help build up a picture , as opposed to just mums version of events.

The idea that every child who receives DLA is eligible for respite care or a residential school placement is pure fantasy i'm afraid.

Why would OP take her DD to A&E? A&E is for medical emergencies. They're not going to admit a medically fit child onto the paediatric ward because her parent is (albeit understandably) struggling to cope.

I did once work with a parent who tried to abandon her child at the nearest Hospital thinking they would be taken into care. The Hospital called the Police and they took her straight home.

Does she have any OCD and separation anxiety? Have you looked onto PANS/PANDAS

@Goaheadflameme re triggers, I quite like the analogy I heard about 'static electricity'. For children who have issues with sensory overload that can lead to panic/meltdown/lashing out, there may not be any obvious triggers. It can be that there's been a build up during the preceding hours, and if there's been no release, at some seemingly random point it all comes out - like a static shock, when you haven't noticed it build up.
Whilst looking for triggers can of course be helpful (eg there may be specific ones such as fluorescent lights) it can also do wonders to build in times throughout the day where you 'release the static'. Eg calm spaces, opportunities for stimming, sensory feedback such as a rocking chair or trampoline. Helping the child stay within their comfortable limits. This way of thinking can be particularly useful when built into the school day, to combat what a lot of posters have referred to, their child holding it all in at school and then being totally unregulated when they get home.

Interesting. But…

How does this benefit the rest of the family? OP has already been hospitalised as a result of violence by the 8 year old girl (possibly younger at the time) and has sustained broken bones during an attack. OP also finds the aggression and violence triggering as she is a survivor of childhood abuse herself.

Additionally there are other children in the home and they will be witness to the violence meted out by their sibling to their parents, and possibly on the receiving end of it themselves. Are they not classed as vulnerable? Aside from sibling violence, is there any other situation in which social services would expect children to live under the same roof as a violent individual?

Does the position of social services change if the siblings are younger than the challenging child? Does the age of the siblings change the level of mitigating/de-escalating behaviours they are expected to perform in order to lessen the chances of being hit or precipitating a violent outburst targeted at their parents? Young children may end up believing that their parents are being assaulted because they dared to refuse to acquiesce to their sibling. Is the potential for self-blame by the siblings ever considered?

What level of trauma is acceptable to expect a family/individual to deal with before social services consider, at the very least, a part-time residential placement?

”-if child is eligible for DLA/ parents have the funds sign posting to short break respite also happens”

This is what I would hope would be offered as part of a normal support package, yet it appears this isn’t the case. My ire is directed at the apparent blindspot of social services in offering this to too few of those who would benefit from it.

A female child with a learning need at 8 - absolutely should stay in the family home:

• with an ASD assessment via the neuro- pathway and the parenting courses that must be done alongside it, for obvious reasons. -EHCP put in place if appropriate. -For most children who are verbal and in mainstream they would be opened to the targeted support/early help service rather than a disabilities team within social care

-Robust support and safety planning around mitigating/de-escalating/ managing the challenging violent behaviours would be put in place considering all family members including the child. This would mean the allocated worker visiting regularly and giving oversight and support and escalating the case if appropriate.

-Two able bodied adults- one of which is a male could easily be shown how to safely contain their child from harming herself and others by using their own strength/bodies in a safe, calm loving way.

-Services charitable groups and other organisations can be signposted to as well as clubs and activities over the holidays

-if child is eligible for DLA/ parents have the funds sign posting to short break respite also happens

A persistently violent 14 year old male with a single mum and younger siblings could quite possibly be taken into care if dad/ no other family members would take him on.
Very often the mums don’t want this though and continue to work with services including the police each and every time it happens until they are left with no choice which utterly breaks them.
It is devastating to see.

However, I’ve seen it turned around many times by intense intervention such as the child to parent violence service via the YMCA and social care - marvellous service in this area. Doing great work.
Child to parent violence it is much more common than people think and at the moment in my case load (adolescents team) the main ones are females around 13/14 no SEN, more the result of gentle/ hands off parenting, identity issues within a blended family, and one older one 15/16 who has idealised going into care in her head and sees hitting mum as a way to get there.

( Excise typing- I’m on my phone with wrong glasses on )

Well, we didn't actually ask what she meant as our daughter was with my husband & I in the meeting. The Dr said "we could be looking at a possible personality disorder here" and then explained the findings of the autism screening (ie where the psychologist & psychiatrist note their findings etc.
Our daughter has been on antidepressants for a year, which seem to help a little at first but she gets serious episodes where shes depressed for weeks on end then randomly things suddenly turn & she will be sleepless and really excitable.
I've encouraged a trip to the Gp many times but she plays down what is happening and now shes classes as an adult, I can't really do as much.
Sorry for the lengthy reply, but wanted to answer you properly!

Be careful with filming. Be sure DD doesn’t know.

BTW - some professionals have a knack for seeing something other than what you see. Instead of getting help supporting DD, they might say you are not taking correct action or you are making it worse. Or that you are intimidating, abusive …etc