To not want to look after my daughter any more

Excellent post from @ExtraOnions about parenting in this situation. Forget the usual punishment and sanctions. Love and forgiveness always.

And don't give instructions or commands, give CHOICES.

I would probably start packing her bags up and tell her she will be moving out if she hates you all so much.

You have my sympathy because I would not let a child ruin everyone’s life.

You might get better advice by asking for this to be moved to the special needs section. You can click on report a post and ask for it to be moved. AIBU attracts the teenagers.

You need to refer yourself to social services and ask for a child in need assessment .
You should also be assessed as a carer.
You need help and support to be assessed, formulate a short term emergency plan, and then alongside that a longer term , reviewable strategy.
Emphasise your fears re your other dc and the violence- steps need to be taken in a pro active way to avoid family breakdown.
your dd needs to apply for attendance allowance ( non means tested)
respite ,if needed, should be part of the long term plan .
it may be that you are requesting an emergency respite placement for your dd- whilst social services remit is always to keep the family together, this temporary measure may be part of the emergency plan - depending on several factors- including availability, or support and respite from your own home .
( eg dd being taken places by a support worker , but still living in the home ,to give breathing space )
All the best to you .

You need a united front. Your DH is not doing your DD any favours by allowing her to attack you.

Also, if she has a diagnosis, you should be entitled to PIP, and Direct Payments. Those help pay for carers to ease your load a little, and give structure throughout the school holidays.

Been there.

To start with the good news, I now have a lovely 19 year old DD, who is kind, sensitive, funny, and great company. We do lots together.

On the other side, she was late diagnosed with ASD, so I had no idea what I was dealing with. What I had was a violent, angry, aggressive child (from about the age of 7). She smashed her room up, and was violent towards me on multiple occasions.

She was great at school, until she stopped going (but that’s another story).

So, what happened?

1. Changed the way I parented. Parenting and ASD child, is different to parenting an ND child. The usual rules around “consequences” and the magic “take their screens away” don’t work. When you child becomes overwhelmed, they have a panic attack (or the unhelpful word “meltdown”), there emotions are dysregulated, and they lash out.
2. When they are in this dysregulated state, there is no point in trying to talk to them, reason with them or anything else … makes it all worse, best thing you can do is to leave them alone. The time for discussion comes later.
3. Figure out the triggers .. they will be there, is it tiredness, hunger, finding it hard to follow instruction.. could be anything, but knowing gives you an advantage.
4. Give them things, in life, that they can control themselves - only need start small.
5. You child does not like feeling that out of control, it’s as distressing for them, as it is for you.
6. Tell them you Love them.. every single day. The one thing that helped change things with us, was when I said “I’m on your side”
7. help them understand ASD, and why is makes some things difficult.
8. We found Sertraline to be a lifesaver.

What I’m trying to say is that there is a sucessful way through this, as awful as it seems at the moment

Important to mention my daughter is “high functioning” -though L2 in the new Assesment

Also, please try not to listen to people who have no experience… they mean well, but mostly spout ableist garbage

What do you suggest? Any ideas? Thought not.

OMG if only it were this easy.........

How do you suggest the op proceeds? She doesn’t want to look after her dd. Social services are the place to contact.

You can claim DLA for your child, @Goaheadflameme

It really doesn’t work
like that, and while meaning well advice like that can be unhelpful.

It’s hard I know as we’ve lived it. My son is non verbal and has challenging behaviour. It was incredibly hard on the family and him. At that age though he was still quite manageable. Things really got hard around puberty age 14 or so and he developed awful ocd and was also diagnosed with Epilepsy. It was a difficult time. At 19 we looked into residential school and after a long battle he started one age 19. 38 week placement so home in the holidays. Honestly it was the making of him . With experts on hand and on site he had loads of input for behaviours. If I’d know how well he’d get on I honestly would have looked at residential education much younger. It’s hard to access so you have to shout and shout loud if that something you’d consider.

Call the Samaritans to talk it through. Find out how you can get your dd into the care of social services and into a foster family.

Is she attending regular school? No problems with behaviour there? And she doesn’t attack her siblings? Seems like she is aware not to attack anyone who could hurt her back. Yes I know ND children struggle with emotions but it sounds like she does have capacity to learn. How you enforce consequences in ND is not something I can advise on but the fact she only really does it to you is a significant. And that’s not your fault and you are looking for help…. I’ll wait for all the others to jump on board criticising my lack of understanding of ND children but you and your other kids matter too… I had a friend who’s son got a lot worse after diagnosis because she said “he couldnt help it”. He was too nervous in the car so travel wasn’t possible unless of course he wanted to go somewhere. Terrified of dogs too until he wanted a puppy (and had to drive 10 hours each way to collect it). Did she know how to deal with this? Probably not but it all got a lot worse when she didn’t have any support and advice… so I’d get some professional support from say an autism charity ? And speak to your GP about the impact on you as a carer. They can possibly help with carers assessments etc.

I meant to add to my post that you should apply for DLA for her. You have a good chance if receiving it now she's diagnosed.

A PP is right that you have to be persistent and not accept fobbed off. There's too little help for too many children. I just kept going and asking more questions rather than accept someone telling me there was nothing they could do.

You are quite right that’s how it would work in my LA - I was just about to ask if she is in mainstream and verbal?
How is her behaviour in school?

This sounds awful and I feel awful for you. You need a break and some help, anyone could see that. I would call social services directly and go from there.

Do you have family support?

OP as well as looking at these options remember the samaritans are available just to hear you. They won't judge or offer advice but having a neutral person to talk to at breaking point can bring a small moment of relief. What you're going through is really hard and it may help your sanity to talk.

Please get in touch with Carers UK and clarify your rights, and get onto your local councils children's services for support. Request a carers assessment.

You should get a disability social worker and referrals to support services.

You do have rights and there should be support. It may take some persistence and bring fobbed off at first though. Knowing your rights and what's available is a good starting point.

From what you've described a usual plan would be to allocate you a family support worker to work quite intensely with you and your DH until things settle down and you feel more confident in 'what works'
That could be with a social worker alongside or could be from an early help service (a step below statutory social services) Along with linking you in to any beneficial local services or groups.

If she's 8, verbal and in a mainstream school without any other disabilities then it's unlikely she would be opened to a disability specific service, more likely standard family services (though they can be really good)

I have a violent autistic daughter.

You should contact social services. They will try to help, rather than be desperate to take her away. They will be particularly keen to help if you have other children, as they may need protection. You can self refer.

Is she under CAMHS? She should be. Go to your GP and lay it on thick. See a different one this time as the previous one seems a bit useless.

My DD was helped by, firstly, an SSRI at age 10, then at 12, when she was super violent, she was given an antipsychotic which calmed her behaviour and meant she could go back to school.

You do not have to suffer violence at home. From anyone. If you're being attacked or your belongings/home wrecked call the police. It sounds extreme, but we've had to do this several times and they've been amazing. They can set the ball rolling for other services and referrals too.

I hope you get some help soon. I know how awful this is 💐

In my area, the Children's Disability Team (part if SS) will do a Child In Need Assessment, on a child with a diagnosed disability. That would at least be a starting point, to find out what support is available in your area. You can ring SS and refer yourself. So sorry you are having a difficult time OP.

GP. Tomorrow tell them everything.

So who gave her the ASD diagnosis?
You need to go back to
the GP to access the Neuropathway and also contact Children’s Social Care to ask
for an assessment as a parenting course will need to be done along side the pathway. Also they will assess your family needs and how to manage challenging behaviours and safeguard yourself and minimise the impact on the other children.
They will not just take her (even if you want this) and definitely not the others unless you are not acting protectively in some way which I am sure is not the case.

Can I ask why DH does not intervene to mitigate the violence? I appreciate it’s get tricky esp with girls in their teens but not at 8 surely?

Im a SW by the way.

That all sounds awful. Are you and your husband on the same page with removing her from the home because if not then it would be almost impossible to achieve. If you are, could you look to see what residential placements may be available to her, not necessarily within region but look far and afield and see what is available and contact them to undertstand how you could get her admission. As others have said you would likely first be offered money for personal carers to provide respite as actual respite is incredibly hard to get. You can surrender parental rights and ask Your child be taken into care services but it’s not something that I imagine would be a first choice. Good luck and best wishes to you. Her behaviour sounds incredibly challenging and I would struggle with that too. I’m sure we all would.