To not want to look after my daughter any more

OP, if you can, look up Dr Naomi Fisher on FB.
Her advice really helped turn things around for my ASD DD and I.
Also using the principles of low demand parenting worked for me.

I think we all need to be mindful that we have a MNer here who is crying out for help.
As someone who has had a friend (Mum of an ASD child) take their own life, I think the last thing OP needs is criticism on here.

It is disgusting that we (as a nation) do not provide more support, both in terms of funding for services and in terms of the general public trying to understand what some parents are going through, instead of criticising.

So pleased to see the post from ExtraOnions. Absolutely brilliant advice and not much I can add other than to say I echo it as the mom of an 11 year autistic son who became incredibly challenging and violent with me at around age 8 too. We're now in a FAR better place.

'early help' is definitely an option for you guys here. Also if your borough is like ours then you have to fight for services, they often try to just get you off their books by bouncing you around.

I'm sorry you had such a poor experience. Not all schools are the same. My school takes the wellbeing of staff extremely seriously, they are certainly not expected to put up with being assaulted, and staff at all levels look out for each other.

My son is 6, diagnosed with ASD and ADHD.
He has trouble with emotional regulation, and is very impulsiveness, he will lash out during a meltdown, or if overwhelmed, he will hit, kick, bite, throw and also mock.

What I have learnt over the last couple of years is that works for me is, utilise positive reinforcement and recognise good behaviour, and where possible ignore negative behaviour.

My DS loves a reaction, positive or negative, so if he does something bad and gets a big reaction to it, he’s still won in his eyes, as he’s got the attention.
When I do tell DS that something isn’t kind, or not a good choice, I keep my tone neutral, if he senses any confrontation in my tone, this will trigger him to react.

My husband, is a lot more reactive than me, and I can see a huge difference in my sons behaviour with me, than his dad. His dad is working more to ignore certain behaviour, but he is used to children listening to their parents, and with ND kids, parenting is often very different.

Happy for you to drop me a message!

What medications are you referring to? The Child Psychiatrists I've worked with would not be willing to prescribe medication to an Autistic 8 year old because their parents were struggling to manage their behaviour.

I would do anything I could to support you as a family

I worked as a TA in a school with a high level of children with Autism. I was assaulted, hit, bitted, punched, sworn at, and not once did SLT ask how I was. Not once.

That is the reason I left and would never go back.

I seriously hope you have the same support for your staff.

I would honestly bring back smaller, quieter schools for children with autism and have a set routine - including holidays so everyone would be a lot happier.

I’ve only ever seen incredible bright children with autism, imagine what they could achieve with the right environment.

In my area the YMCA facilitate teh Child to Parent violence specialist support service.

You are absolutely right it is very very common. In both preteens and teens - also very often nothing to do with a learning need.

Also, contrary to much of the advice I see on MN - only very few families are offered respite in the way it is described on here.

In my area Parents are expected to fund this via the Childs DLA if this is where they think the need is.
I only know of a couple of exceptionally high need families where the child visits a foster family for a weekend a month funded by the LA. It just does not happen in the way described on here.

This is a very good, sensible post.

I work in this field and my experience is that, no, social services will not remove your dc. But they can still offer support from the early help team.

Have you tried contact with any support groups for parents of children with autism? They can be fonts of knowledge and support. I wonder if there are ways for you and your dh to give each other a break when you can, or other family who might help out? SS may help you organise a family group conference to plan this.

This !!!

@Goaheadflameme get your GP to refer your to Cahms

otherwise if you go privately (psychiatrist), you can get help within days . Good medications helps , some of them help within hours

Please ignore this atrocious, ignorant "advice" OP.

Agreed awful thing to say

We didn’t get any help or support from SS .. though, to be fair, we never asked them for any.

We did access support from other organisations. We found https://autisticgirlsnetwork.org/ to be really helpful.

@MMUmum

The threshold for these residential
settings is much, much higher than scratching and bending back fingers, throwing food around, breaking stuff - certainly at 8.
Learning techniques to manage these behaviours would surely be preferable than lengthy restraint by a stranger (on minimum wage/ in an industry with high dissatisfaction and very high levels of staff turnover) who does not love your child.
Surely?

Terrible advice. In 20 years of working with children with challenging behaviour, I've never known a single child whose behaviour has improved in response to being threatened in this manner. Empty threats do not work, and it is an empty threat since OP cannot realistically throw an 8 year old out on the street. Not without being prosecuted anyway, as child abandonment is a criminal offence.

Don't be fucking silly - the child is 8 years old and disabled. What the fuck is wrong with you?

OP, the best advice here is to go back to GP and to children's services and make a LOT of noise. Unfortunately nothing at all will happen until you scream and shout (metaphorically). You have all my sympathy- this is a crappy situation for all of you. Also, your DH needs to step up and help.

Well. I suggested that the OP should claim DLA for her DD. That would help financially.

I'm a safeguarding lead in a school and I have worked with many parents in your situation over the years, OP. It is much more common than you might think for parents to be subject to physical assault and emotional/verbal abuse from their children, and not necessarily just children with SEN.

Children's Services will not remove your child for the reasons you describe. They will offer support though. This is unlikely to be in the form of a Disability specific service if your child is in a mainstream school and has no EHCP. It is also very unlikely you would qualify for respite.
In our LA, only the most serious cases of neglect or abuse are allocated to a trained social worker, your situation would most likely be passed to the Early Help team and a Family Support Worker would be allocated to you. If you Google Children's Services in your area you should find a number to call, tell them everything you've told us. Be completely honest about how bad things are and how you're feeling.
Look into something called NVR (Non Violent Resistance) and whether this is available through CAMHS or Children's Services in your area. It's an evidence-based programme for parents whose children display extreme aggressive/challenging behaviour in the home. It has been an absolute game-changer for parents I've worked with who have been subject to assaults, verbal abuse and controlling behaviour from their DC. There are also organisations who offer it privately, if that's an option for you.

Do your DD's school know how much you're struggling and what her behaviour is like at home? If not, tell them. They will be able to signpost you to services locally who can provide support. It doesn't matter that her behaviour is not a problem in school, if she was a pupil at my school I would absolutely want to know about this and although I don't have a magic wand, I would do anything I could to support you as a family.

Yes absolutely contact Social Care - that’s what I’ve been suggesting on here- but with a view to putting the correct support in place to manage challenging behaviour and keep everyone in the family safe.
With the correct support child to parent violence can be managed and there are different services that work with families in these case and turn things around. CAMHS need to be involved too.

**If a parent does not want to care for their child anymore then the expectation would be they find an alternative family member / close friend to do so. SC do not scoop difficult 8 years up and delivery them
to willing well-equipped foster family’s waiting on standby.

Social services would do what they could to keep the family together. I suspect you are saying this is the heat of the moment and if she was to be taken away you would miss her?
Call social services, try to get through to the Chidren with Disabilities team. In some areas the threshold for that team in is very high so you may get referred to the mainstream service, they're likely to not understand your DD's needs and will likely just fob you off with parenting classes. The children with disabilities team can arrange respite, that can be anything from a carer taking DD our a couple of hours a week to a few nights in a residential placement. But you will need to fight for it.
Is sending her to a holiday club an option to give her routine and you both having a break from each other? If you could afford this it could maybe be put in place whilst waiting for social services.

I am sorry, I have been there and the services were pretty inadequate. You do need Social Services and CAMHS involved. You need to shout very load to get help, involve MPs, Local Councillors, charities to advocate for you. We were refused foster care as dd was too challenging.

@GoaheadflamemeI feel for you, it's a difficult situation to navigate. Sadly, if you have any family support at all, a Section 20 voluntary care request isn't likely to be granted. The system is broken, parents are being injured by their primary aged children and SS seem to fixate on the rights of the child, not on the protection of the wider family. You have my sympathy, please keep asking SS for help and documenting (including videoing) your DDs meltdowns and behaviour 💐

This is great advice.

Also, look in to PDA to see if the behaviours ring any bells because, if PDA, then it will require a different kind of parenting from NT and typical autistic kids.

I know care homes that exist to manage troubled children, because my Dn works for one such organisation, she describes children having to be physically held for very long periods to safeguard themselves and others, this is of course achieved with specially trained staff. I would make an urgent self referral to children's social services and just emphasise how much danger everyone in your household is in. Good luck 🥰