To not want to look after my daughter any more

There's a book called The Explosive Child on Amazon.

It might have some pointer.

I'm very sorry you're going through this OP. I have ASD kids but they are not violent. I can't imagine how hard that must. My heart goes out to you. I hope you can gain some help from these other posters.

it sounds like school itself is a massive trigger? What is your DD like on the weekends or holidays? Perhaps it's school? If it was, that would be relief almost because if you were able to change the environment, perhaps it might help and she might calm down?

Yep I second this get her book “when the naughty step makes things worse” - I know your exhausted and thinking you probably don’t have the time or energy to read a book but it’s available as an audiobook and with an audible trial you can then cancel but keep the book, it will help you work out if PDA might be an issue and explain where ideas about traditional parenting come from (mainly men writing books about mothers in the 1950’s that we are all still following) and explains low demand parenting.

Excellent advice from @ExtraOnions my son is 4 - diagnosed with ASD at 3. Has PDA profile. I've had a black eye, cuts, bruises, hair pulled out. He is "fine" at school but as soon as we pick him up from school, turn the corner, he loses it, the violence towards the end of term was off the charts. I really feel for you OP. It's so bloody hard and exhausting. I'm always on edge. It's really important to have some time to yourself in the week. Just to decompress. And you need your husband on board with a strategy on how to help. It can't all fall on you.
We find that following similar advice to @ExtraOnions has really helped. I noticed that when others have told him he's naughty. Or bad etc he's felt ashamed. It's so important to use positive reinforcement, emphasis the good, tell them they're loved no matter what. They can't control it.

They re not just struggling, they’re facing violent behaviours

common prescription is Risperidon from 6+, absolutely life changing

long term SSRIs

Unfortunately there is a real lack of support for families in your situation. You need to speak to Citizens Advice to get a Child DLA application in. With extra £s you’ll have more options. Ask for an emergency appointment with your GP. Raise it as an adult/child safeguarding issue. Tell them you need an urgent referral to the right agency. If DD is in mainstream would being in a school that can better help her cope with meltdowns be better? Then read and learn all you can about her conditions. At the moment sounds like you are all broken and struggling. Can’t be easy feeling like you are the ‘bad’ and ‘different’ one either. You urgently need a break. Any way you can take the other DC and let DH deal with DD so you can recharge. As hard as it is, you know what it’s like having a crappy childhood. DD didn’t ask to have the issues she has either and needs you to be strong, fair and able to cope. Key is getting you the support and resources as well as lots of recovery time to do that. Wishing you the best of luck. Toughest job there is parenting a child with special needs.

https://www.barnardos.org.uk/get-support/services
Might have services in your area

Hi @neverbeenskiing , my DD was prescribed Fluoxetine at age 10, then Risperodone (antipsychotic) at 12 (nearly 13) so not quite at age 8, no, but I did meet another parent at her school whose son was prescribed Fluoxetine at 9.

It may be unusual and "off license" but it does happen.

Would she cope in a summer scheme. Friends asc dc copes better with routine of going to a predictable summer scheme every day when not at school

Social services have support available. Some respite care might be enough. I work in the same sector; it’s quite common for an increase in children being placed in care in the holidays. You’re not alone.

I would (and have myself in the past) self refer to social services for urgent help. Where I lived at the time they were the gate keepers for all practical help and support. It might differ from one area to another but it’s a good start.

A visit to the GP for you to discuss how best to help your mental health might be a good idea too. And a frank discussion with your husband about how best to support each other. My heart goes out to you. It’s hard.

Are you in a position to pay for private assessment and help? Can you apply for DLA and use this? if you are - would you consider sharing your location so if anyone has any recommendations?

i dont know what to add other than i am sure you must feel alone and asking for help is never the wrong thing to do - whether that’s social services or Facebook groups for parents of children with asd.

I second taking extraonion’s advice and other posters who suggested Autistic girls network, Pathological Demand Avoidance and Dr Naomi Fisher. The usual advice for dealing with NT kids will not work with an autistic kid.

We had this with my brother when he was younger. He knew what he was doing as he didn't do it to his peers. I think it went on for a few months, after my finger being broken, my mum having a black eye etc and eventually my dad started hitting back when my brother attacked him/the rest of the family. It worked.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It almost broke my mum and the rest of us tbh.

You’ve had excellent advice from @ExtraOnions.

we have been through similar to what you describe.

DD was ‘fine’ at school, but at home was completely different. A TA once witnessed her behaviour at home and was absolutely shocked. School did not believe what I was describing. Have you heard of masking? And after school collapse? The bottle of pop analogy? If your daughter is masking through out the day, she will be exhausted, and potentially, all that stress is being released on to you. Does your dd have any extra support at school and are you in contact with the SENCO? my best advice is not to be fobbed off by school saying there is nothing they can do because your daughter is ‘fine’ at school. In my experience, the Social Communication will be proving tricky for your child as will the sensory environment. If school can support this and put some extra provision in place, it may support you at home.

You are your daughter’s safe space. She knows you will love her unconditionally so is able to let out all the ‘big emotions’ out with you that have built up while she is having to hold it all together at school.

my dd has suffered an autistic burnout from having to manage school. She is now out of school and we have changed our parenting style completely. We no longer have any violence or meltdowns and things are much calmer at home.

I should imagine SS would want to put in support for you and your daughter first. Putting a child into care affects their future chances

Maybe think about what support in your home would help? Then approach SS?

Also go and see your GP about what might be available to help your daughter?

Also there might be training via SS or a diagnosis related charity to up skill you and your DH in feeling more confident in dealing with your daughter.

SS will do means testing and you and your DH will most probably have to pay towards and any care and support that they provide for your family.

Have you had a Carers Assessment from SS?

Good luck.

Others have better advice, but I just want to say that I feel so sorry for you, your other children, your daughter and your husband. You are all being failed.

Are you okay OP?
Can go online today and self refer into Children’s Services, if getting the ball rolling would make you feel any less desparate today ? And then call them first thing?
Hope you’re okay x

As part of our diagnosis journey, I went on a course run by our council that was called he's not like that at home. Our school couldn't see any reason for a referral - he seemed 'okay in school'. (our doctor didn't do referrals, which is a separate sore point) The room was full of parents listing the same thing; kids were coping in school, but not at home. The multiple inputs, other children and sensory overloads had exhausted all the coping skills the children had and when they left school and started to decompress, the explosions would start. Our SENCo came with us - it was like a light bulb coming on, they put measures in place in school and things did improve. Has to be said the first week of every holiday was always horrendous until we got into holiday routine rather than school routine. He's 17 now and high school made a massive difference too - he found his own people, which has removed a lot of the social requirements that he struggled with.

but some will prescribe - i have seen it with an 11 year old in a similar situation.

Forgot to say, contact PEGS. They're a great support to parents in your situation.

https://www.pegsupport.co.uk/

Firstly, so sorry to duplicate this excellent post but I agree with Tangerinets completely.

My now adult DD is 30 years old but at your dd's age was an absolute nightmare too. She had sld with severe autism and cluster epilepsy. She too was violent, very destructive, didn't sleep etc. etc. Thank God we moved to a county which at that time proved very supportive. We managed to access respite each week together with help during school holidays. Our DD was placed in a special needs nursery and then moved to a special needs day school for which daily transportation was provided. However, by the time she was 7 years old we were advised that the school could no longer provide the level of care and support she needed and she would need a 52 week residential school.

As you can imagine, despite the tremendous difficulties we were living with, we were devastated but agreed it would be best for her.

We eventually found her a wonderful place 2 hours from home which proved an absolute godsend. We visited every weekend. She was there until she was 16 then moved to another residential school slightly closer to home until she was 19 at which time we found a fabulous, brand new centre - 25 mins drive from home - in a 24 hour managed centre for supported living.

DD has now been in her gorgeous apartment for 12 years and we now see her 4/5 times per week.
She has never lived at home - other than occasional visits - since she was 7 years old but she is now blissfully happy and 1000%per cent improved. She won't stay at home now. She visits us occasionally but 2 hours later she wants to return to her apartment and mix with her friends 😁. Obviously, she would no way be able to work or live without 24 hour support but we never imagined in our wildest dreams we would see her as she is today. We are all incredibly close and she adores us but certainly has her own life.

Unfortunately, as Tangerinets pointed out, you do have to persevere with SS to get the help you need and I hate to say but I believe, from what I read, that places are even more difficult to acquire than in our day and especially so in the south which is outrageous but if there is any way through these barriers I honestly would also recommend this route.

Wishing you all the very best as I know EXACTLY how you feel. (Just to add, we also discovered only 2 years ago that our dd's condition and difficulties are due to her having a very rare gene mutation. Only took 28 years to diagnose 🙄.) 💐💐💐

Sending her away will probably exacerbate the problem. It's truly awful living through it though.

I had this for almost a decade and it only stopped when DD dropped out of secondary school and was almost a recluse for six months. I think we have well and truly turned a corner now.

You've had some good advice OP. I am sorry this is happening. I have an out-of-control DSD with similar issues. I would suggest:

• Self-referral to social services asap - tomorrow morning. Let them know everyone in the household is at risk due to her behaviour.
• GP appointment ASAP. Also, make a formal complaint about the failed referral, where you make it clear how the situation has escalated without appropriate support.
• Reach out to charities/support groups/networks who can advise and offer suggestions about e.g. respite care for a child with your daughter's issues.
• You probably are not going to be able to surrender your child to the care system. They simply do not have the capacity to take on children who are reasonably well looked after by their parents. So you need to put a plan in place that allows you to manage her needs and keep your home safe for everyone else. That could be working in a joined-up way with social services, school and charities to have routines and consequences for her behaviour - it could be a residential home or network of carers in your own home. There are options but you need to be proactive. Managing the needs of an SEN child is a full time job.
• Violent and other destructive behaviour should result in you calling the police. She will then hopefully be flagged through that channel too. Also it gives her real-world consequences for her behaviour, which she needs to learn.

It’s extremely hard parenting a child with behavioural issues caused by nuerodiversity.

my DS doesn’t have autism, he has general developmental delay, speech and language difficulties and ADHD. He is 19 now and I can relate to your post completely.

please contact social services and ask for support

ask for parenting courses for children with autism, the usual parenting strategies simply do not work

ask to be referred to a CAHMS psychiatrist, if they offer medication don’t be afraid to take it

look into potential residential schools for kids with autism, they are specialists and know what they’re doing

be ready for the puberty and teenage years, things get more difficult

dh and you need to have a good chat, you need to support each other and be on the same page.

im not going to lie to you, it is blooming hard work, but she is your child and she’s only 8. I won’t say my DS is perfectly behaved now but it’s miles and miles better that it was when growing up. We love him to bits and all our efforts were worthed!

So sorry - that sounds incredibly tough. if you are in England, your LA will have a Local Offer for children with SEND. See if you can find this for some options. Contact your local Parent carer forum for SEND, your SENDIAS service and most importantly social care. You need the Social care children with disabilities team and Early Help. Your daughter should be eligible for Short breaks of some kind. Also ask for a carers assessment for yourself. This is not sustainable for you.