To not want to look after my daughter any more

I honestly can’t believe what I’m reading.

Mothers saying they are struggling to parent their children due to violent behaviour from their offspring are basically told by social services that they need to put up with it because respite care is rare and long-term residential placements are almost non-existent - really?

This is beyond shocking.

No one should be forced to live with someone who is violent to them, not even mothers. Choosing to attempt to work through it is up to each parent on an individual level, but for agencies of the state to force parents to live in fear of assault seems barely credible. And yet clearly it’s quite common.

And it’s not just the parents. The state agent is mandating that any siblings in the home must be made to live with a violent abuser. Their rights, well-being, mental health and safety are secondary to the State’s right to refuse to intervene.

I thank my lucky stars I have never been put in this impossible situation and I hope with all my heart that things improve for those of you forced to endure such a callous lack of support from social services.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this desperately difficult situation. You urgently need to speak to your GP to talk about counselling and other forms of help, for the sake of your daughter, your other children, and your own mental health.

@Spooky2000
I'm sorry for the difficult choices you had to make. Must have torn you apart. Must still.

My DD is 19 now and has been in hospital for a few months after unilaterally stopping her meds and having several serious incidents. She's decided she doesn't want to see us for the time being and it's so hard. However she did unblock me recently and wrote "I love you"

I hope you and your daughter find each other again soon.

Gladly
off to sleep but early start tomo so will put something together first thing promise xxx

All of the above.

It's astonishing and depressing the bollocks that still gets spouted by people who know the square root of fuck all about ASD, coming on berating the parents for their child's behaviour, FFS.

I doubt they'd last a minute in any of our shoes.

This and also contact the school & discuss home difficulties- school may be able to support you (share strategies that work for her/them) & can also put a referral in for agency support (along with yourself (self referral) and the GP.

It is very hard I certainly feel for you. You need support & strategies to help both you & daughter manage & thrive & to ease the strain on your wider family. She will lash out when disregulated/triggered. Good to get boundaries/routines sorted now while she is still young.

Good luck, well done for reaching out.

Well said

OK, not to sound arsey, but please would you clarify here what the remit is of SS and what can and can't be done? For me personally, bullet points are an absolute dream and thank you for your input ❤

Im also a SW and I think there is a real lack of understanding generally and a huge amount of misinformation on MN about the thresholds for S20/Care Orders etc and the role and remit of Children’ Social Care.
The immediate go to comments about ‘residential units l’ and ‘getting respite’ are so far from the reality of how structured support actually works in practice.
I wish people understood more about the poor outcomes for kids who are accommodated by the local authority and saw it as a very sad last resort after every other intervention has failed, and only when it becomes in the best interests of the child a d they are at risk of immediate or prolonged / systematic harm

Jesus, reading this thread was a real eye opener for me. Absolutely awful that any of you should go through this! We're sold the 'dream' of happy family life but god, this is awful.

I have 3 kids, 2 of which are girls. The eldest has ASD. When she was 14, I sent her to her dads basically saying you think you can do better and it's such a doddle, have a go yourself. I'm still vilified by her for this to the point where we don't speak any more, but for my other two, it was the best move I could have ever made. This action, by the way, was 20 years ago and the shit I got for it then is not much less that the shit I still get now from the eldest - but honestly, I couldn't cope for another minute, and the 'disparagement' was worth it for the peace I and the other kids got.

F me. My heart really goes out to you all going through this and if there were anything I could do or say to help, I really would.

Therefore, her behavior IS manageable. YOU just haven't learned how to manage it. I'd suggest that, before abandoning the poor child

Wow that’s victim blaming. There are no winners in this situation, I have seen children with autism, especially girls, who mask well at school and explode at home. Once they see red there’s no stopping them, this type of anger goes on for hours.

I don’t blame OP for wanting to throw in the towel, there no or little respite for families. Social care don’t have bags of money to help. Friends and family can’t cope.

This is a very challenging presentation of autism to live with. PPs have given good advice about involving services. In the meantime I’d strongly recommend you take a look at the pdasociety.org.uk website. Loads of info there on pathological demand avoidance and the PANDA approach which can be a game changer. Although it doesn’t seem like it, this behaviour arises out of anxiety and being able to reduce that can make a massive difference. She explodes with you because you’re her safe person - no consolation I know but it’s looking at things through her lens. Do hope things improve for all of you.

Most likely she is only able to manage at school by letting her anger out at home.

OP certainly does not sound like someone who has not tried.

I have two children with autism and I work with them too (I'm an occupational therapist). Your daughter has sensory needs which are not being met (this is not your fault). Children who are autistic who want to hit out will do so, but it's about giving them appropriate tools for this, i.e. not a person. Create a safe space for your daughter which she can access and punch / throw around safe items, eg cushions, blankets and beanbags. Whereabouts are you my lovely? Sending lots of hugs xx

Have you been given a family support worker?

If she is recently diagnosed is she medicated? If not, push for it.

OP I am so sorry to read your post.

If you need more than respite care, you can ask social services to take your daughter into care on a voluntary basis under section 20 of the Children's Act 1989. This would require you to show that you are unable to care for her at the moment, but you would not give up parental responsibility and you can cancel the agreement and bring her back home at any time if you feel more able to cope.

Social services do not need to do this of course, and it is likely that they will try not to if they do not think your daughter is in danger, or they will at first try to place her with other members of your family or friends, but it is an option should this be something that you want to explore.

Good luck.

Edit: Sorry, just noticed that s20 has already been covered by PPs, so I am not adding anything new except my best wishes for you finding a resolution that works for all your family.

More research is needed on the impact on DC, sibling relationships, living with DC with SN.
They often become glass children.
It is hard to balance. 💐
I done a few courses on sensory processing, asd, I wasn't expecting much from them but they gave me a better understanding, knowledge is power, if CAMH'S have any courses available.

They would not take the other children away. They'll offer support.
Very unfair to say that.

OP, you need to call your local council and ask for social services - when you are put through say you need them to conduct and urgent assessment of needs. Don't let them fob you off, tell them you're dealing with physical violence and are afraid for your safety and the safety of your other children. You desperately need some support and so does your daughter. I have been there and I know how very hard it is - I struggled alone for 12 years until we reached crisis point and my adult son with ASD and learning difficulties was sectioned. It's been a hard road but he's now thriving in supported living.

Your daughter is very young but I do know people whose children have been supported in specialist boarding school when the situation at home was untenable. Get in touch with social services and push hard for urgent support.

We too found an excellent residential placement 3 years ago. It took a year and the fees are eye watering so we had another fight to get funding agreed. He’s incredibly happy there. He has 1:1 at all times and 2:1 to access the community. He has a very full life there something we couldn’t provide at home. To start with he was very much on school/college timetable and packed his bags every 6 weeks or so to come home. Now though after two days at home he’s packing to go back . It’s bittersweet for sure but exactly the point we wanted to be at.

I’m really sorry that I haven’t had the time to read all of the responses, so apologies if I’m duplicating. Please Google ‘Yvonne Newbold’ and ‘Newbold Hope’ She has incredibly helpful resources and has done TED talks, has FB support groups etc. Her (now grown) children have SEN/Autism/PDA and there is a lot of support particularly for parents who are experiencing violent/controlling behaviour.
You aren’t alone 💐

If you don't get DLA you need to put in an application for your DD. Then you could use that money to pay for respite support. I'd be speaking with my DH and telling him he has to step in and stop the attacks if he's around when it happens. You should be united over your DD behaviour.

Does she have PDA? Have you looked at low demand parenting? Isn’t what you’re saying life with an autistic child? What it’s like? I have a ten year old like this and I feel like it’s the stress of being a solider in a war zone, someone told me this. We have started the last year or so looking into PDA and PDA tactics of parenting.