To not want to look after my daughter any more

@AnotherNaCha

Its very common for children with ND conditions to be well behaved at school and explode at home.
My son has ASD and was impeccably behaved at school. Home was a different matter.
They are like a bottle of fizzy pop. They spend all day conforming and holding things in, it's very stressful and exhausting for them. They get home and it's like taking the top of a bottle of pop that's been shaken around all day.
As she is newly diagnosed yes Im sure there are parenting techniques that @Goaheadflameme could learn and she has had lots of good advice from people in the same situation
But it's not as simple as saying its a home/parent problem which is tantamount to blaming the op

Caveat to my above post, I meant to comment about children with disability teams too, as they do work with children under a broader umbrella, not just those at risk of abuse or neglect. However autism on its own wouldn't usually mean meeting the remit of CWD teams, they tend to work with children with complex physical health conditions and/or learning disabilities & mental health conditions, for children who need coordinated packages of care.

Respite is rarely offered/used, in those teams it used to be a routine part of the service but it's much more common now that children who would have qualified for respite in the past are given funding that the parents can decide how to use instead. So it isn't ringfenced for respite. Many families don't seek respite, though there are some who would want it if available but it relies on finding someone capable, and if you have a child with complex needs that isn't straightforward. Most authorities I've worked in have a specialist CWD children's home that will take children in for holidays (short breaks) if parents choose to use funding that way.

Everyone talking about residentials, the child being taken away etc - the OP says she’s fine at school. So that is way beyond reasonable. It’s a home/parenting issue and I’d say the OP’s mental health needs to be addressed too. And the father being onboard and sharing the load. OP - the title of your thread suggests you need to get an urgent app with the GP and ask about anti-depressants. I feel for your child. You admit to being triggered so that’s only going to make it worse for everyone. I hope you can afford counselling for that. The behaviour you describe isn’t that outrageous, you cannot be taking it personally

@EviesHat and others who consistently interpret posts about social services to suit their own agenda -

Social services aren't leaving families like the OPs to fall apart because residential care is expensive. Whilst residential care IS expensive, that's not the reason that SS don't take children into care on request - it's because doing so would break up families and have life long consequences.
Social services specifically work with children who are at risk, typically (but not always) by the actions or inactions of the parents. That's not the case here.
Social services are one small part of social care, or children's services. There are plenty of services within social care that could/would support a family like the OP.
In our area for example, a family in this situation would be supported by early help. That could mean their regular family support service or the intensive service, which can be daily support for families where there is a risk of family breakdown. It can mean tailored parenting support, emotional support, it can mean parenting courses specifically for parents of ND children, it can mean funding for activities for relatives, it can mean family safety planning, it can mean linking in with services like CAMHS and in education.

All of that support is available and is valuable. It just isn't provided by or run by social workers. In some situations where things are very complex it may be that the plan is overseen by a social worker, but it doesn't necessarily have to be (in our area they've up skilled more non SW staff to do it because parents are more likely to take up the offer if it's not seen as 'social services')

Residential schools and being in care are rightly only used as a last resort because for the vast majority of families, children being at home (but with support) is the best option for everyone. The families who benefit from residential services tend to be for those children with the most serious and complex needs, often with multiple conditions.

Some of the posts on here seem to hark back to the 50s where if anyone was a nuisance they'd be shunted off to an institution. We moved away from that era for a very good reason.

Violence isn’t in the adhd criteria, but the reason why I, and quite a lot of pp, have suggested looking at this is because it’s so so common with adhd in children of this age. And because it’s a comorbidity of autism.

Anecdotally I probably know 30 families with kids with adhd in the 6-10 age group. All of them have problems with behaviour such as hitting, biting, scratching etc. Some in all settings, some at home only, some with parents only or siblings only. But off the top of my head I can’t think of one adhd household where it isn’t a factor.

Has Your local NHs autism service offered support?

Contact your council’s family support service for support.
Ask for a referral to CAMHS

Contact Banardoes ( they offer quite a lot of support). Contact the autism society for their advice on where there is help.

Your family and your daughter badly need support.

There is a Facebook support group called Newbold or something I think.

I'm sure you mean well but posters need to stop this nonsense about residential school
Currently the child is in mainstream with no issues no residential school will take them st this stage there are residential school, s but theu are eye wateringly, expensive and take the most complex needs children usually after several different placements have failed also. It could be anywhere in the country
My friends son is in a residential school 600 miles away from as it was the only place yhst could meet his needs
Currently the Ops child doesn't even have an EHCP.

PIP is gor people over 16 it's DLA for kids.

Have all behavioural management techniques been put in place and are being used? If so, and this is still the result, it sounds as if she has other issues which need to be diagnosed. How do your other children behave? Or is it just your daughter who is 'off the wall'? You need help and pretty pronto. Champion your cause and find an association to help you both through it.

Another pp has also talked about sensory needs and having something which she can hit when she wants - cushions / pillows / punching bag etc. That didn’t work for us, but I know other families where it has helped massively.

The other thing which I notice is that the parents who manage the violence best are the ones who care about it least. Still caring about the child and wanting to improve things and support them. But not feeling like it’s a reflection of them - knowing it’s not their fault, or they’re bad parents, or a sign their child hates them etc. Somehow that detachment makes it easier to stay calm, which helps to calm the child.

So I like @Pebblypusscat’s suggestion of counselling, to see if you can get yourself to a place where it all feels a bit less personal.

V good advice from @Secretsquirels

I have two children who behave as you describe. Both diagnosed with a range of ND, one with an EHCP in specialist school.

In addition to what @Secretsquirels said, I'll also tell you what has helped us;

ADHD medication for one child.

Anti depressants for me and my dh.

Filming a violent outburst and sharing it with our child's TA, SENCo and head teacher. It was about 10 days after said outburst and my child behaviour one morning just broke me and had me in tears. I shared the video with these members of staff and it got the ball rolling.....we got Early Help support and given a place on an NVR (non violent resistance) course where the leaders were ND and trauma informed. This has been helpful.

I have counselling.

DLA, carers allowance and a significant shift in how our family life works.

Therapeutic in put....in our case as speech and language lady who wofks with our child weekly, as part of their EHCP.

Apply for an EHCP and appeal if it gets turned down.

And, for a PP wjo said violence is not a factor of ADHD...no it isnt BUT impulsivity and emotional dysregulation ARE. When coupled with a child who doesn't have typical social and communication skills it is not a surprise that for SOME AuDHD children their presentation has a level of violence.

It's absolutely soul destroying OP. I'm in it with you. If you DM me I can point 6ou to some helpful resources. I'll outline a few here:

Sunshine Support-useful webinars and advocacy.

SEND parenting podcast.

Sarah Fisher Connective Parenting.

I’m sorry things are so hard for you. You’re not alone - my ds still hits out, swears, says hurtful things etc. He just doesn’t have the level of control yet to prevent his feelings showing in this way.

Before you think about giving her up, you need to think about giving yourself a nicer life with her at home.

Look into summer clubs for her, is there anything which she would enjoy? Book her in 9-3 every day if you can afford it. This will mirror the school routine.

Apply for DLA to help fund this.

Contact school and insist on more support in school for next year, often the poorest behaviour at home is a reflection of how stressful school is.

Book her into play therapy and be really honest with the therapist about home life. Get them to work on her “window of tolerance” to help reduce incidents.

Work on improving her communication skills - some of the anger may reduce if she can better communicate her needs. Lego therapy is good for this.

Add a magnesium and zinc supplement to her diet. Make sure she has protein with every meal. Try and reduce sugar. If she doesn’t sleep use melatonin.

Think about whether it’s possible that she also has ADHD as well as autism. The two often go hand-in-hand.

Good luck. It’s hard to improve things at home when you’re in the centre of it, but you can make a change.

Look into respite. I think it’s different in different authorities. I know for my friend who has recently moved, it’s been next to useless, and she is a single parent (with zero help, i’m the only person who helps her out if she needs childcare for appointments etc) and child is non-verbal (nearly 7) and currently no school place as she has moved authorities and all schools are full or say no. So I hope your local authority will help out more.

Are you wanting them to take her into care? Hopefully they will have other things to try before that. Is your DD in a special needs school? Is there an option of residential? That’s something i’ve mentioned to my friend to ask, as I do fear she is going to have a breakdown soon as things are so hard for her. So totally hear you, no judgement at all and I do hope you can access the help you need.

Sorry no much to offer except start the DLA finding process, this should help with costs for external help / therapies

Are you on any ASD and PDA support forums? You need to try the Camhs route again also.

This is very unhelpful.

Abuse very commonly effects the family because the concequences are different.

Behavioural problems are heartbreaking to manage, and I absolutely second you getting a neutral professional to talk about how they are affecting you.

If you haven't already seen it, there is a good BBC show called "There She Goes" . Its written by someone in your situation and is a very good honest look on how Autism effects the parents.

This is why I believe this child should be medicated.

The OP shouldn’t have to put up with this behaviour.

I’m a parent to an autistic child. I know what you’re going through.

Your daughter needs to be medicated. You need to learn how to defend yourself.

Film her behaviour. Call social services. Have her removed from your home. You’ve been hospitalised in the past. This is domestic violence and you don’t need to accept this.

Sounds horrific OP & if I was in your position I would feel the same , can you contact early help to see if there is respite also putting her into care doesn't mean that you don't love her or youl never see her again so if it's the only solution for you that is also OK, you shouldn't have to live with violence & if you don't feel able to control your daughter it's probably safer for you both x

Firstly the police would be called, if you just attempted to dump your child and run. You'd be reported for child neglect, and quite possibly be arrested. Secondly you'd have social services on the phone expecting you to find somewhere else for your child to stay if they couldn't come home with you. There are no places for social workers to take children with no notice.
I am not saying we don't have children 'dumped' on us. It does happen occasionally. It usually results in several social workers staying very late in the office with bored, scared or traumatised children while they frantically try to find anyone in a child's network who will take them for the night. It definitely doesn't result in the child being taken to a lovely foster home right away.
the third thing that would happen would be that you'd have social services assessing your family situation and the parenting of your other kids if you have them, which most people wouldn't welcome.

Frankly, no
the care system is groaning at the seams and doesn't have capacity to take children of parents who aren't abusive or neglectful. Selectively handing over children is not a thing that parents can do.
It may be worth self referring to early help and it's definitely worth applying for PIP.

‘The kid’? You mean the person’s 8 year old child? No, if someone chooses to abandon their child nobody can force them to take them back, and very likely the decision would be taken away from them. And the child would have a lifetime of abandonment issues to deal with.

Jesus, you have absolutely - much more eloquently than I - said my same exact thoughts. It's completely unacceptable. My own experience was that I sent my daughter to live with her father at 14 to spare my other two kids and tbh I wish I'd done it sooner, but I thought she was better placed with me and that I could do more for her and support her. When I saw it was impacting my other two, that was enough for me and so I called him and said this was happening - no discussion. Of course, he was the 'saviour parent' 🙄She of course went on to give him plenty of trouble and he wasn't interested. Well - told you so.

This is going on in thousands of households across the UK, but no-one really knows what to do or where to turn or what help to ask for, which is why I asked @Mondaytuesdayhappydays for clarity. It's absolutely horrific, and in addition, families live with a stigma that they're just not 'raising their kids' right' and it blights the other siblings (or at least it did in my case).