Help me get out of a family meeting

How old are your parents? Unless one of the sisters knows something you don't about your parents health, it's very odd! There's a reason they both want you involved in this chat, they just haven't told you yet.

Does your sister realise that "putting someone in a home" would cost upwards of £1,000 per WEEK and that would come out of any inheritance she wanted for herself?

I would just say to her that any conversation regarding your parents should be in their company!

" nothing about me, without me "

Communicate this to your sister and request that she stops messaging you unless the above criteria are met.

I would be messaging back "happy to chat with mum and dad about what they want for themselves in the future. Let me know when we are all meeting to discuss it with them". Copy mum and dad in to the message.

I think their request is reasonable. They probably are just anxious about what will happen when things get hard.

I think you can tell them "I want limited contact: I'm happy for you two to make those decisions, and I have no interest in any kind of legacy/benefit when parents die."

Then they know your position and they can crack on.

She's clearly using your parents as an excuse to reel you back in she definitely has an underhanded reason

If LC how do you know they are managing?
Are you relying solely on the sister you are LC with to keep you updated?
Are you actually in the loop/speak with your parents?
Who has POA, the one you are NC with?
Is your mum your dad's carer atm?
Are either ill or showing signs of dementia?

If you are LC/NC, not your circus, not your monkeys.
You must have thought about this already, pending age.
How much you want to be told?
Whether you will attend funerals?

If it is out the blue then either

1. Something/someone is ill and you do not know the extent
2. Your two siblings are currently doing a lot of care or expect to, and resent you for being out of the equation entirely
3. Your NC sister is making an excuse to see you (but unlikely after a decade, surely?)

As long as you neither expect inheritance nor the right to complain about being excluded from future planning then you are right to keep out of it. If you feel you have anything to do with decision-making then this was your time.

The one who is neutral/LC, trying to be diplomatic, being drawn into mediation, is the one I feel sorriest for. Not a flying monkey per se, but presumably used for info now and then or trying to appease all.
Who went NC/LC with who and why?
It's a tough thing to do and if implemented by you, presumably deemed black sheep/awkward one, then you had your reasons.

Being pulled back into the dynamic/dysfunction/power play makes no sense for your own mental health, if you have had to withdraw. I guess your other sister wanted contact of some sort/wanted to see where the land lay. Now they know.

"Hi Dsis, I don't know if you're aware, but you can't actually "put" an adult anywhere against their will if they have capacity. Same goes for selling their property to pay for it. But you / we have POA, so if it becomes necessary to activate it, things can be discussed then. Bye now".

When you say they've done POA, do you know who is named on it?

I'm also wondering maybe someone has had a health scare and that's why they want to reel you in and co-opt your support. Tbh I think it's rude of them to have this conversation re caring roles (a) you're LC anyway (b) your DPs aren't involved in the discussion!
Hold fast OP!

I'm going to say something different here. In your place I would go along and just hear what she has to say. Better to know what she is planning than not. You don't have to engage if you don't want to, but once you've heard her out you can decide what to do. If she's planning something iffy, you can intervene if appropriate, or pass the knowledge forward. Be wary.

Just say no thanks and ignore her.

There's no point in any conversation without the parents present anyway. An LPA does not remove their right to self-determination unless either loses capacity, which has to be assessed and ruled on by a court. Whilst the parents retain capacity, they can overrule any decisions made on their behalf. In OPs situation, my reply would be "no thanks, there really isn't any point without their input"

"I think it's wholly inappropriate to have a meeting like this that excludes parents, and I want no part in it"

Who cares what they think, you're not in contact with them so it's everyone else that would have to put up with the whinging not you

You say you have limited contact with your parents so do you really know the day to day situation with them? Do either of the other two sisters have a better idea?

I know you are saying they are in good health but that can change in a heartbeat. It is best to agree on everything before you actually need to implement anything otherwise you will be potentially arguing and scrambling to deal with it all whilst it is happening which just adds to the stress. In our family we have experienced both expected deaths, knew they were dying and absolutely out the blue you couldn't have seen it coming. No time to discuss their wishes if they die unexpectedly if you haven't already had the discussion.

Maybe suggest a full family meeting with your parents included. This could end up with you saying no to the nursing home but your two sisters out vote you. If I were you I would want to get my feelings across. Plus this brings up things like selling the house to fund the care home or potentially renting it out.

And what would your father want?

I see the benefit of talking about what would happen in the future with your parents and have some rough ideas but your parents need to be part of that discussion too, their wishes count too.

If you parents are fit and healthy, this is not a conversation to be having behind their backs, especially if there is estrangement with your sister already.

if you have a strong relationship with your parents, I would alert them to the request and ask they are involved or express their thoughts about it.

I think she’s using the theoretical death and infirmity of your parents to reel you back in @coffeegirl73 . I’d just decline and not engage if I were you.

I don’t think it is premature tbh
If it’s so all siblings are clear that parents have health and financial POAs, they mean this, consequences are that, then cool. but if this is about forming a bloc to go and harass parents into changing their documents etc then it’s a different matter.

So I would go, meet at coffee shop or pub, and ask more questions than supply info. Dont commit to anything on the day - everything can be researched more and anything would need your parents input.

the alternative is they proceed with their decisions and later say ‘OP was invited but didnt participate - you don’t get a voice now’. That might be ok with you given the estrangement or it might not…

My nan asked to go into a home. She had dementia. However she had the capacity to decide where she lived and was able to come and go as she chose. The home was unable to stop her leaving or to restrain her. She kept on leaving and getting into dangerous situations. It took ages for the assesment to take place and for her liberties to be restricted. In the meantime she had air tag in her coat and shoes. That was all well and good if she actually put them on when she went walk about. Eventually. She was deemed to not have capacity and was put into a more secure unit as agreed with socal services. It really isn't that easy to put someone in a home. It also costs a fortune. My nans home is 3k a week.

I think you need a long term view. As they get older your parents will need care, there will be costs involved, someone or all of you may need power of attorney.

And tbh i can understand an initial discussion without them first to basically say - this is the level of support I could bring...

If you want NC and are settling for LC I might not go. But expect to be excluded for wills, decisions, and plans. If you want that, thats OK

But if you will feel hurt and ignored and excluded id be taking the offer of involvement now even if it is awkward. Maybe table including the parents jn future chats.

But if you really dont want to. No is a full sentance

You can't put your dad in a home. If he has capacity he gets to choose what happens to him. If he doesn't have capacity then that needs to be proven by an assessment.

Tell your sister that your not interested in discussing it with them. You are however happy to discuss your parents wishes with your parents and will follow the accordingly.

Yes it’s bizarre. He might be perfectly fine in his own home!

Who has POA?