Misuse of SAHM terminology

When I was a carer for an older kid, I didn't necessarily want to discuss his special needs with everyone.

I got into a professional job after a long break - I'm glad the interviewers weren't so judgey!!

I wouldn’t worry about what people call themselves on TikTok. Being a SAHM there is usually a political or religious statement about the role of women. It’s just convenient that it happens to be monetizable. Ties right in with the revolting adherents to the ‘prosperity gospel’.

IRL I don’t see a reason to care either. I assume someone calls themselves SAHM that’s how they see themselves. They still might make a financial contribution to the household via an investment property or doing the occasional paid work or whatever.

I did laugh at the poster who thinks women at home who are the ‘poor wee things’ who then work at night are SAHMs, this is literally how hospitals are staffed. Typically by women who are working full-time, close to full-time or way more than full-time!

I think it matters, because it puts pressure on women and devalues both work and staying at home. people who work to a significant amount (i.e. more than 10%) are very different in their needs (pension, time, social) than people who work more. People looking after kids have different needs than people who do not.
Being a childminder is work, with obligations and paperwork etc to accompany it. But it gives the person some financial independence, as a self employed person (pension and security implications!).
A SAHP has more time but a lot less financial independence and likely no extra pension.
A person working 50% in an office has again different needs and benefits

Very few SAHMs have a 'lifestyle agenda' though. Nobody needs to be 100% SAHM, or 100% anything for that matter. What a weird way of looking at life.

There may be a woman who does a couple of hours work (online or otherwise) or volunteers or does charity work or something a few days a week, when the kids are at school. I suppose the OP would be starting a thread in a froth that that OMG this woman is not a real SAHM. But would this woman actually care and why does it matter? And what does it have to do with anyone else anyway? The fact is, the woman may have left a full time corporate career for the flexibility to focus on her children without the distraction and demands imposed by her previous role. So, from HER perspective (and that of her family) she is a SAHM. The end.

As I said, SAHMs do many many things, as opportunities present and life evolves. They have nothing to prove to anyone else or anything to even answer for.

Nannies and childminders aren't SAHM, they are working parents with jobs they can take their children along to.

I was ( possibly still am) a SAHM for the whole of my DC's childhoods but have always done some sort of volunteering role outside of the home since they both started at pre school. I've never been a 100% SAHM but I've not done a day of paid work since they were born.

DC now 19 (in full time work) and 17 ( full time college and part time work)

I still have to be there for DD 17 as she has a chronic health condition that requires alot of managing by me and a mild learning difficulty and anxiety and depression.

I would struggle to hold down a paid job around her needs as I'm constantly there to run her to hospital and other medical appointments. At the moment I feel like I'm her PA juggling her medical appts around her ever changing work rota and college timetable.

I am able to do two volunteering roles and am also busy as an elected local councillor ( unpaid) My DH steps up and covers DD's appointments if ever there is an unavoidable clash.

There is clearly no accurate definition of what a SAHM is. I've been on this site for 20 years now and I've read so many posts criticising or debating the role of SAHMs but never ever have I received any judgment or negativity from anyone in my real life.

I agree. Especially when many of the ' I have 10 kids and I'm such a brilliant SAHM' types are selling their lifestyles as an agenda. Particularly the US Christian fundamentalists selling their 'child, kitchen, church' far Right agendas while they spend probably an entire working week curating their content, their children's every move being engineered for profit while they pretend they are SAHM's. Anyone else It doesn't really matter whether they work and call themselves sahm's.

I’m a hospital consultant and am the one to stay home when DS is sick (DH is self employed and isn’t paid if he doesn’t work). I also do the school pick up and drop offs (work in the evening/weekends to make up time.

Who knew I was a SAHM all these years when I thought I was a doctor? 🤣

Hahaha

Ha ha unironically have done this.

That’s because you work full time. It is HARD to do around a full time job with work stuff also filling your brain, and time pressures and juggling.

It is not hard, or time consuming, to do home and child admin when that is all you do. It’s hard when you also have deadlines, management, a house to clean AND you also want to spend a bit of time with your children. Fitting in the home admin is then a challenge.

On fairness to the women who describe their sahm years as project management, I have used the 'how to talk so toddlers will listen' book guidance very useful for dealing with colleagues. "I can see you're frustrated seth, the problem is that you lost the company £6 million..let's think of some strategies to regain that"

See also Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. They ALL work! And not all of them lived in BH.

Nah, her correct title would be Lady of Leisure.

Every SAHM I know works round kids, or with kids

this is literally just being a parent.

So the definition of a SAHM is if you take time off when your kids are sick?

I work full time from home. I fit my work entirely around kids needs. If kids are sick they are home and I am with them. So I’m a SAHM despite having a full time job?

Probably the PP means that she lets the holiday home out. That's another thing a lot if SAHMs may be involved in. For instance, we have some rental properties and there's the odd week where it could be time-consuming if thet need builders in or there is a leak or whatever, but I wouldn't call it a job, and I'm still a SAHM even though the properties produce income. I suppose if I bought more properties and focused on this full time, I could say I had a real proper job as international property magnate extraordinaire, but I don't.

What’s owning your own holiday home got to do with anything? 😂

Why are people so touchy about SAHMs and what they may or may not call themselves?

Of course, when you are a SAHM across multiple children, it can be quite a long time. And obviously, new interests and opportunities can develop over that time.

Eg.

I have a friend who once hosted a particular type of birthday party for one of her kids (involving themed wigwam tents, etc) and now she does those parties as a side business. It's sporadic and the family don't massively need the money, but she just takes in bookings as and when suit her. Shes still a SAHM to all intents and purposes.

I know loads of SAHMs who develop Etsy businesses, and that type if thing. It's just a side line for most - eg. they sell their art, or crystals or some other product they've been able to source or create. They do it because they love it, as much as for the money. I have a friend who developed her own jewellery line, just as a creative outlet. But now there are shops in Notting Hill etc selling her products.

Often, as a SAHM, if your child does an activity, you might get roped into helping out. Eg, years ago, one if mine did ballet and I ended up teaching the ballet class one or two times a week after the other teacher (who was a friend) left. They did pay me, but I didn't do it for the money. I was still a SAHM. I had 4 kids!

Loads of SAHMs do quite a bit of yoga or Pilates or running once the kids are in school, then they think, 'might as well do a teacher or personal trainer certification while I'm here.' Then they might run a small group whenever suits them, or they offer personal sessions.

What I'm saying is, it's not always as clear cut as 'working' v 'not working'. Sometimes people make money through interests or hobbies that then might make some money or even develop into small businesses. Like my friend who went to Brazil and now sources certain crystals from there and sells them on. She makes quite a lot of money some months, but it's not time-consuming and she's really into her products anyway as a way of life.

Does it actually matter what women call themselves? We are all multi- faceted! I don't see the point of this thread.

I never said that. I said kids care first, job fits around.

nothing about kids first. I’m talking about the care aspect, the day to day stuff. I’m not suggesting that in life the kids wouldn’t be first. But for a run of the mill bug, cold, sickness, etc etc. my “work” would not allow it. So I stayed at home. If DH stayed home, we lose our home and animals die.

if I stayed home I lose my job.

Of course it's offensive to say working mums don't put their children first!

I’m sorry you feel that way I certainly don’t mean to be.

my perception of a SAHM is what it is, welcome to be changed. Every SAHM I know works round kids, or with kids.

the people I read about here are an entirely different world, I accept that. I don’t know anyone who works like mums do here. But that’s a city country difference.

I am certainly not out to get at working mums, I envy that in some respects. But nobody would employ me on those terms. So I had to forge my own. And I am the bottom of the pile here, the one who can leave everything to pick up friends child because she has an employer.

doesnt make me better, just more at home and easier to shift things. I can check the cattle later. She can’t sort the office, shop, accounts, court, whatever later.

I think you can point out that something is incorrect even if it doesn't impact you - no one is "policing" it. Have you seen anyone say it should be illegal or banned or they should be flogged? The question was whether it's incorrect and it's ok for OP to be "slightly irritated" by it.

I could describe my own life as that I'm a police officer because I saw on the local Facebook page that someone smashed a window on a house on my street and used my Ring doorbell to see who did it. I'm not a police officer, that's not correct - it's also entirely my life and doesn't impact anyone else. I'm still wrong and I'd imagine that saying that would irritate others.

I could describe myself as a hairdresser if I cut my own hair, or DH's or DCs'. It's my life, I can call myself a hairdresser - there's no law against it. It's not accurate and I'd imagine it would annoy people if I posted all over my social media that I'm a hairdresser having only cut the hair of people who live in my house, for free.

People are allowed to be "slightly irritated" by things without you acting like that amounts "policing" their self-identity and self-expression.

You might not agree, but wtf with "offensive".

Saying something is offensive isn't a way to be right.

They might, but it's quite common that the main approach is to work the main childcare needs around the job requirements. So for a sick child day, it could be that the parent could wfh, or maybe take a vacation day, or possibly they will have to have a back-up childcare arrangement.

The emphasis is usually the other way around with the kinds of work SAHMs will do. Most won't take a job that makes it impossible to be home whenever needed, for example. Or if they become difficult to reconcile, they'll leave the job.