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AIBU?

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Original poster

13 year old watching newborn

361 replies

Newmum99653 · 27/07/2025 12:29

Am I being unreasonable?

I am not comfortable with our 13 year old DSD watching our newborn whilst we do jobs around the house. Personally my priority is the safety of the newborn and anything can happen quickly (choking, falling, suffocating) if not being watched properly. E.g. I came down and DSD was on phone whilst “watching” newborn whilst I was upstairs and DP was in the kitchen.

My DP on the other hand doesn’t see the problem in this at all.

My view is DSD can hold feed cuddle newborn as much as she wants but whilst we are supervising.
Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
PinkyPia · 29/07/2025 13:49

I know its a terrible thing but my MIL had her eldest at 13 😬

jannier · 29/07/2025 13:47

Newmum99653 · 29/07/2025 09:47

I assume you are talking of the Stockport nursery story? If so, horrifically the child was placed and strapped in face down. He is absolutely not being placed in face down.

Show quote history

Updated advice is to not use them they are not good for babies spine and thebdroped head just like in a car seat can obstruct breathing.
Baby is more likely to slump or fall sideways against cushioning

Idontpostmuch · 29/07/2025 12:06

Newmum99653 · 29/07/2025 11:30

@Idontpostmuch I most definitely think my hormones are so massively out of whack, so please do not take any of the previous message as a dig to you or any other posters that said something similar ♥️. I’ve just got out of the thick of baby blues (what an insane time that nobody really tells you about 😂). It’s okay it’s naturally engrained in me to worry I think, I’m a natural over thinker and my partner often jokes if he could take some of my over thinking and swap it with his under thinking… we’d make the perfect level of thinking. But for now we level eachother out

It was more so aimed at those who suggested I was insane, crazy, an unfit mother or verging on needing sectioning for my concerns and behaviours ha.

@Newmum99653 Thanks for taking time to clarify. I too am over thinker. If you find a cure, pass it along 😃. Enjoy your baby.

liveforsummer · 29/07/2025 12:05

Newmum99653 · 27/07/2025 13:02

Jesus Christ
just to confirm I take the child to the toilet with me as I’ve had a c section and going for number 2 can take a while due to my reduced bowel movements or ability to move them.
Yes I might be OTT to feel uncomfortable for children minding newborn without supervision.

But I can confirm I do not have anxiety, I have lovely long showers and get ready sessions whilst the adults in the family are looking after him

I enjoy sleep and dinners whilst he is being minded by responsible adults also.

The point is you can do all these things without him being watched by another adult. Baby does not need eyes on all the time. Especially during summer where you won’t be needing additional blankets etc which are about the only small risk of you leave baby safely sleeping or chilling at this age. I was on my own with mine from the start and at times dd age 3 was the one to need to come and tell me if they needed something so I’d certainly expect a 13 yo to be fine

Original poster
Newmum99653 · 29/07/2025 11:30

@Idontpostmuch I most definitely think my hormones are so massively out of whack, so please do not take any of the previous message as a dig to you or any other posters that said something similar ♥️. I’ve just got out of the thick of baby blues (what an insane time that nobody really tells you about 😂). It’s okay it’s naturally engrained in me to worry I think, I’m a natural over thinker and my partner often jokes if he could take some of my over thinking and swap it with his under thinking… we’d make the perfect level of thinking. But for now we level eachother out

It was more so aimed at those who suggested I was insane, crazy, an unfit mother or verging on needing sectioning for my concerns and behaviours ha.

OP posts:
nadine90 · 29/07/2025 11:28

I remember when my first was a newborn there was an awful storyline in eastenders and I spent most of the night while he was sleeping sticking a finger under his nose to check he was still breathing. That was ott and your current worries are ott but also normal. Having your first baby is terrifying and it takes a while to adjust. You do what you need to do to alleviate worries and go about your day with as little extra fear on your mind as possible xx

Idontpostmuch · 29/07/2025 11:14

Newmum99653 · 29/07/2025 09:01

@llizzie just to confirm spoke to midwife and HV yesterday/this morning who have confirmed they do not believe I’m suffering from PNA. Confirmed I am however likely to be a lot more cautious as a FTM than those who have had several as after second child you are usually less worried as you’ve experienced everything before. I’m a pretty open book with anyone who steps foot into our house.

They have also advised within these first few weeks it will be beneficial to everyone to establish boundaries and what we are/are not happy with. Including things such as having visitors, avoiding visitors from feeding the baby to optimise bonding and establishing babies understanding of smells of both parents.
They both confirmed although not necessarily a problem to leave baby with DSD for a few minutes it’s for us as parents to decide if we think DSD is mature enough to do so.
On the moses basket front, don’t need to take him with me if I’m home alone and he’s not being left for long, but also not a problem if I feel comfortable taking him with me for longer bathroom trips such as shower or bath for peace of mind. Just carry the two separately and make sure the room is not too hot.

Also on the beanbag front, although not advised by NHS, it’s no different to a bouncer so again parental preference but have advised not to keep baby in it once more active/rolling due to possible tipping over. And not to keep baby in it for extended periods similar to car seat.
Both also advised we are doing a great job, baby is happy healthy and well looked after.

So to round up, should have just asked them in the first place. Thank you to those that genuinely were helpful ♥️, and to those that couldn’t possess an ounce of empathy or compassion - let’s hope you don’t end up with daughters who are FTMs in the future.

Edited

@Newmum99653 Good to hear you have resolution. Just want to point out that, while some posters did 'diagnose' Post Natal Depression or whatever the modern term is, I and many others merely suggested your hormones were still out of whack. A completely different thing, and so obvious that it barely merits mentioning. No new mother ever feels entirely herself as the hormones continue to tumble. (Hi Kate and Wills! Do you think us rude for mentioning hormones.) I have to admit to finding this thread unsettling. Having never been an anxious mother to young children, I'm now thinking of all that could have gone wrong and panicking in hindsight 🙃

Idontpostmuch · 29/07/2025 10:52

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/07/2025 23:03

I agree,
But I sympathize op - you're precious little baby you need to have 100% trust in anyone with them. And things can happen, like what if they spill a cup of tea on baby etc, that can send your thoughts spiraling (see my post 'ex DP burnt my baby - thought care around hit drinks went without saying but clearly not!)

Show quote history

Never a problem for me. Don't drink hot drinks 😃. Neither did our babysitter. I agree with this. You have to set out clear guidelines re how any adult left in charge manages cups of tea etc. Better still ask them not to have any.

Idontpostmuch · 29/07/2025 10:48

JayJayj · 28/07/2025 23:01

It’s not something I was aware of until after my baby was born. Lots of things change. I hate thinking about the car seat we had her in originally. Thankfully we weren’t in any accidents but we once we knew about more about car seats we got 2 extended rear facing seats. It’s sad that it’s not knowledge passed to new parents. I guess it doesn’t help that what is legal is not necessarily safe.

Show quote history

I remember shuddering when older relatives told me how they'd just put carry cot and baby in back of car. It seemed so dangerous and our car seat seemed so safe, but at least their babies were lying flat. We hardly ever drove ours anywhere, but often left them in their car seats at home. Some yrs later when they were 10 and 7, I noticed that instead of the 'carry cot attached to pushchair frame, then pushchair used when carrycot had been discarded' system, mothers were buying combinations which entailed just clipping car seat onto a frame. Even those who didn't have cars were using them. Seems outrageous. Don't know if they're still around as haven't been looking.

MrsEverest · 29/07/2025 10:13

Baby doesn’t need to be watched by someone all the time. But I agree never ever leave a child to be responsible. If anything goes wrong two lives are ruined.

Original poster
Newmum99653 · 29/07/2025 09:47

jannier · 29/07/2025 08:13

These things are not recommended by NHS or lullerby trust and are similar to what the baby died in last year.

Show quote history

I assume you are talking of the Stockport nursery story? If so, horrifically the child was placed and strapped in face down. He is absolutely not being placed in face down.

OP posts:
ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 29/07/2025 09:41

That beanbag looks very similar to a firm shaped cushiony thing I had for my second child. I think people see the word beanbag and assume those big floppy things you’d lounge on on the floor as a teenager. It really doesn’t matter what it’s made of, it’s about it being firm rather than squishy. I’m sure your baby is very comfy in it, and perfectly safe.

Trishthedish · 29/07/2025 09:40

Newmum99653 · 29/07/2025 09:01

@llizzie just to confirm spoke to midwife and HV yesterday/this morning who have confirmed they do not believe I’m suffering from PNA. Confirmed I am however likely to be a lot more cautious as a FTM than those who have had several as after second child you are usually less worried as you’ve experienced everything before. I’m a pretty open book with anyone who steps foot into our house.

They have also advised within these first few weeks it will be beneficial to everyone to establish boundaries and what we are/are not happy with. Including things such as having visitors, avoiding visitors from feeding the baby to optimise bonding and establishing babies understanding of smells of both parents.
They both confirmed although not necessarily a problem to leave baby with DSD for a few minutes it’s for us as parents to decide if we think DSD is mature enough to do so.
On the moses basket front, don’t need to take him with me if I’m home alone and he’s not being left for long, but also not a problem if I feel comfortable taking him with me for longer bathroom trips such as shower or bath for peace of mind. Just carry the two separately and make sure the room is not too hot.

Also on the beanbag front, although not advised by NHS, it’s no different to a bouncer so again parental preference but have advised not to keep baby in it once more active/rolling due to possible tipping over. And not to keep baby in it for extended periods similar to car seat.
Both also advised we are doing a great job, baby is happy healthy and well looked after.

So to round up, should have just asked them in the first place. Thank you to those that genuinely were helpful ♥️, and to those that couldn’t possess an ounce of empathy or compassion - let’s hope you don’t end up with daughters who are FTMs in the future.

Edited

So glad you’re not suffering from PNA. It’s horrid. Obviously it’s your first and you haven’t got a clue what you’re doing. I remember getting home with my son and thinking, what now! Well somehow he’s turned 38 and is still alive and we weathered everything in between. Hope all turns out fine for you too, as I’m sure it will.

Original poster
Newmum99653 · 29/07/2025 09:11

@Overwhelmedandunderfed answered in PP

OP posts:
Overwhelmedandunderfed · 29/07/2025 09:09

Your hormones are all over the place at the moment. Your baby can be alone in a room while you do jobs elsewhere, it’s highly unlikely that the baby is in any danger. You need to try and be okay with this otherwise it will cause a rift and your husband will resent you. Your step daughter is really helping you out here and if you try to relax it will be a big relief soon that you can take a hot shower or quickly wash the pots and not be worried.

I hope this isn’t something that you would have had a problem with regardless of your hormones, be honest with yourself here if you can. When you’re asleep on a night your baby will wake before you, it doesn’t mean the baby wasn’t safe does it? My daughter watched mine loads for me and she sometimes fell asleep while they were in their crib but ultimately a baby laid in a safe place with safe blankets etc is highly unlikely to come to any harm just because no eyes were on them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Newmum99653 · 29/07/2025 09:01

@llizzie just to confirm spoke to midwife and HV yesterday/this morning who have confirmed they do not believe I’m suffering from PNA. Confirmed I am however likely to be a lot more cautious as a FTM than those who have had several as after second child you are usually less worried as you’ve experienced everything before. I’m a pretty open book with anyone who steps foot into our house.

They have also advised within these first few weeks it will be beneficial to everyone to establish boundaries and what we are/are not happy with. Including things such as having visitors, avoiding visitors from feeding the baby to optimise bonding and establishing babies understanding of smells of both parents.
They both confirmed although not necessarily a problem to leave baby with DSD for a few minutes it’s for us as parents to decide if we think DSD is mature enough to do so.
On the moses basket front, don’t need to take him with me if I’m home alone and he’s not being left for long, but also not a problem if I feel comfortable taking him with me for longer bathroom trips such as shower or bath for peace of mind. Just carry the two separately and make sure the room is not too hot.

Also on the beanbag front, although not advised by NHS, it’s no different to a bouncer so again parental preference but have advised not to keep baby in it once more active/rolling due to possible tipping over. And not to keep baby in it for extended periods similar to car seat.
Both also advised we are doing a great job, baby is happy healthy and well looked after.

So to round up, should have just asked them in the first place. Thank you to those that genuinely were helpful ♥️, and to those that couldn’t possess an ounce of empathy or compassion - let’s hope you don’t end up with daughters who are FTMs in the future.

OP posts:
jannier · 29/07/2025 08:13

Hercisback1 · 29/07/2025 08:05

https://images.app.goo.gl/Lv5H7

Clear divot.

These things are not recommended by NHS or lullerby trust and are similar to what the baby died in last year.

jannier · 29/07/2025 08:11

llizzie · 29/07/2025 01:00

What do you do when you have a bath and there is only you? I used to bath with all three of them, under 9 when the new one came along. We would all be in the bath, I got out first, dried while the 9 year old held the baby, I took the middle one out, dried him, dressed him, and finally took the baby from the 9 year old, dried and dressed her, and the eldest by then had washed himself and dried himself and dressed himself and I knew where all of them were while I was having a bath.

I don't think new babies should be left on their own, even with an older child of 11, because you don't know what can happen in a very short while, and yes, I would take a baby to the loo in those circumstances.

Show quote history

Wow. Your 9 year old wanted to be in a bath with others or was just conditioned to accept it? How big is your bath?

Hercisback1 · 29/07/2025 08:05

https://images.app.goo.gl/Lv5H7

Clear divot.

https://images.app.goo.gl/Lv5H7

jannier · 29/07/2025 07:47

Idontpostmuch · 28/07/2025 22:35

But what about long car journeys?

Show quote history

Your supposed to stop frequently the sitting position of a car seat can restrict breathing

Elphamouche · 29/07/2025 07:19

I’m more worried about the bloody baby beanbag than a 13 year old watching the baby. Those things are dangerous!

TheCheekyCyanHelper · 29/07/2025 06:55

Idontpostmuch · 28/07/2025 22:35

But what about long car journeys?

Show quote history

Considered very dangerous until they're 6months at least.

TheCheekyCyanHelper · 29/07/2025 06:53

Newmum99653 · 27/07/2025 12:46

@ObliviousCoalmine
if I had a sling I probably would also be wearing him in a sling 24/7. I would say I watch him the majority of the day through pure enjoyment even if he is sleeping.

God forbid I would want my child to be safe and well.

The point is, you are acting insane. How you are behaving is unhealthy for everyone involved.

JMSA · 29/07/2025 06:15

Newmum99653 · 27/07/2025 12:46

@ObliviousCoalmine
if I had a sling I probably would also be wearing him in a sling 24/7. I would say I watch him the majority of the day through pure enjoyment even if he is sleeping.

God forbid I would want my child to be safe and well.

Holy moly.