To be annoyed by my friend’s lack of respect for my time

My brother and sister in law are like this and it absolutely does my head in. They are lovely thankfully, as otherwise we would have fallen out with them big time by now! My DW and I have, however, made so many arrangements they've been late for that I've lost count/ had them cancel at the last minute. They recently "forgot" they had agreed we could stay with them the night before a wedding near where they live a few days before and double booked themselves and we had to find an expensive hotel last minute.

We recently had some day tickets for a music festival both of us had wanted to go to for ages. I messaged them saying we will be getting this specific train as there were bands we wanted to see, which they agreed with. And they were still late! We missed the originally planned train due to them arriving late and faffing around, and got the next one 20 minutes later, I literally had to walk out of the door and say "I'm leaving now as there's bands I don't want to miss" 😂.

I have a friend like this. I really like her so I’ve just had to suck it up if I want to see her, but I’ve made sure I only arrange stuff with her if I have nothing else on that day. I won’t make plans with her if I have plans later on because I always feel disappointed when I have to leave on time and get less time to spend with her.
To her credit, she has gotten better in the last year or 2. She’s also aware that I’m quite uptight when it comes to timings and lateness so while I’ve made the decision to only see her when I have nothing else on, she has improved her timekeeping too.

I wouldn't bother saying anything. She obviously hasn't listened so far.

Just strictly stick to your timings and she'll soon realise how serious you are.

I agree! There’s “unavoidable delays” late and “causing your own problems” late. I’ve just remembered I told her an hour earlier time as well …

Omgod this would infuriate me.

I have a friend who does this (but she would maybe be 30 mins late and nowhere near as late as your friend).

I started turning up at the cafe on time, ordering a drink straight away and leaving within the hour. She would always ask why I was going so soon etc and I would just say that I’d been there since 9 (or whatever time we planned to meet) and that I only had an hour. She would always apologise after I said that. It took a while but now she turns up on time.

I would definitely stop pandering to her. She’s absolutely taking the piss.

You have a choice to be friends with someone like that, or have the self-respect to end such a friendship and not accept this. However painful loss of a friendship is.

Just crack on and follow your original plan - this turns it around from you being inconvenienced by their lateness, to them being inconvenienced by their lateness.

I have a couple of friends like this and I found I was a lot less annoyed if I just started following the original plan and if they were late, they would have to catch up.

So for example if the plan was meet for a coffee and walk around the shops, I’d arrive, order a coffee (I’d take a book so I wasn’t bored) and then if they still hadn’t arrived, I’d leave to walk around the shops. They might arrive mid coffee or have to catch me up somewhere else.

Once with a group of friends our ‘late’ friend hadn’t arrived for dinner 30 mins after our reservation. So we ordered and she just ended up not having time to have a full meal as she arrived half way through us eating.

In your case with the lift I would have said ‘oh that’s a shame you aren’t ready - I’ll see you there’.

You're well rid of a person who thinks you should have delayed your wedding ceremony to pander to her Cadbury's Flake behaviour.

I don't know about that generalisation, Iwatch and adult with ADHD daily always in a mad rush before work/school and definitely not always on time for work which thankfully is flexible. It's unhelpful what you said.

However, I agree there's no excuse for not implementing improvement strategies.

Have you told her? I had a close friend who often runs late but I’ve clearly told her it annoys me. I wasn’t confrontational or rude but said it clearly and asked her not to do it in future. Stuff happens and I’m ok if she runs late for a good reason but now she always lets me know and is generally always on time.

iI had another friend who often was very late and I did tell her but she was still useless so I only make flexible plans with her where I’ll meet her at her house or I’ll get her to call when she’s arriving at a meet up point. I basically don’t put myself out to be on time with her.

I don’t have much time for people who are time blind for whatever reason. People are late because they are rude and don’t care about your time. If you are selectively late then why select friend meet-ups as being unimportant.

That would be my DH if I weren't around. ADHD time blind, it drives me mad. He's admittedly better with his own stuff but I think only in comparison with how he is leaving with DS, doing unnecessary things instead of focusing, starting too late, not prepping the night before, not allowing extra time for DS, the list is long...he had years to adjust and he's still so bad. Also unable to prep the eve before seemingly. Many arguments over this. He delays me sometimes too and I've just resorted to leaving without him once and taking two cars, he was shocked. It's hard going.

Years later she said she’d taken the kids to see their dad on the way to the wedding (totally opposite direction) and he kept stalling to make her late. Hmm.

!!!

What was her excuse?

re ADHD/time blindness - I do suspect she may have ADHD actually (as does she) but she makes no attempt to do anything about it and she KNOWS she’s always late. She manages to be on time for hobbies/fitness classes she attends. Plus she’s a fully grown woman, not a teenager.

I work in an environment where I come into contact with people with ADHD/related conditions. Funnily enough, they always manage to get to work or appointments on time. I'm not saying it doesn't present a challenge - but they obviously have coping strategies they use to do so.

Your friend simply thinks your time doesn't matter as much as hers. I couldn't be doing with that.

I had a friend like this. Her young daughter was due to walk me down the aisle at my wedding. She was an hour late, and all shocked Pikachu face we didn’t hold the wedding for her. We’re no longer friends.

It's not just the lateness. You seem to do an awful lot to help your friend and she just takes it for granted. People who are permanently late seem to value their own time but never other people's.

What does she bring to your relationship?

Literally just leave after waiting for her.

If she wants to see you she will ne on time.
I'd give it 20 minutes the first time, then ten going forward.

When she realises you're not waiting around she'll either change her behaviour or miss out

The lateness is not the only problem, is it? She's using you too. I had a friend like this but I got wise to it. I kept saying no to the favours she requested and funnily enough, she doesn't contact me any more.
Nothing will change unless you say something. Is that what you really want?

Yep. My latest one was plans cancelled today with a “oh hahaha I went out on the piss last night and I have a terrible hangover lol lol lol I am useless”
I get sick of hearing it tbh, this happens a lot with this friend. Why make plans the day after then?

This type of behaviour really pisses me off. It’s so bloody rude and dismissive of other people’s time. I just can’t put up with people behaving like this and tend to not bother to see them.

I had a friend like that. 30 minutes late every single time. The last time I [didn't] see her, she was 30 minutes late when I left. She called me later and asked me why I hadn't waited as she arrived 10 minutes after I left.

I ended a long term close friendship over similar behaviour and told the person why. Her outrage cemented my perception that she genuinely believed her time was more important than mine. I’m never late, and if circumstances (traffic or whatever) mean I might be late, I always call the person I’m meeting to explain what’s happened. There is no reason not to extend that basic courtesy to someone else, unless you don’t actually care that much about them.

That is a good idea

my in-laws are routinely an hour late so we tell them an hour earlier than we want them.

I would stick to times and when she’s all so soon?? Just say yes it’s a shame you were 30 minutes late. Everytime hand the guilt trip back to her.
in terms of time wasted, take something to do, catch up on life admin or Mumsnet! It’s time you would have been busy with her anyway so it’s not wasted time really you have just utilised it else where. Order a drink, don’t wait for her and leave at the time you planned regardless as otherwise she has no incentive to improve her behaviour.

Obviously you don’t have to accept this but it’s whether you want to walk away from the friendship or learn to manage this flaw.

My SIL is effing useless, she once told us she “just needed a bath” when we arrived to pick her up, and she’d be with us shortly, we had already told her a time 20mins early, and phoned to say we were setting off! I insisted that we left without her as we were meeting others, so we did, but soft touch DH went back for her! She is perpetually late. She was late to Christmas lunch once and then upset we had eaten. Amazingly, she can be on time if she wants to be. For many other reasons, and also this, if she wasn’t my SIL I would have absolutely nothing to do with her.