18 yr old taking the p**s

I'm not getting the room swap either. This is upsetting for the other child.
It's really not as big or terrible a deal as you are painting it.

That passed, so I said you have until the weekend to get it done or you swap rooms with your sibling. Saturday came and is still not done. That was 7 days.

Why are they swapping rooms? Why is the sibling involved? This all sounds very chaotic (and overwhelming)

I have teenagers.

I didn’t say it was easy.

A threat both of you know isn’t going to be carried out isn’t effective is persuading the child to do what you want but will be deeply hurtful and relationship damaging.

Some things can’t be unsaid.

And what does the OP do if the child takes her at her word and doesn't come home?

I used to do this. Pick your battles . I eventually realised that it was their room to do as they pleased, but I do think the mess becomes a bit overwhelming eventually. We used to occasionally do a bit of a blitz together. I genuinely don’t know what a teenager is thinking when faced with a pile of clean clothes, to us it’s natural to put it away, to them I feel they get distracted easily and it just becomes lost amongst everything else! Fortunately they managed university in a slightly more organised manner, and now as adults with their own homes are fine!
Im quite confused myself regarding your room swapping and don’t come home threats.

DD has adhd. 27 now. At 18 we used to do her room together. Her uni room was shocking. Funnily enough having a tidy boyfriend has been the biggest influence - she doesn't want him to think she's a shocker!

Put it all into bin bags, absolutely everything, no sorting or reprieve, tie the tops and leave by the bins

Can I just ask how can you cancel their phone as if it's contract you can't cancel it without paying the rest of it off can you? My daughter is also in contract although I think hers is nearly ended

Whilst I’m not condoning what the op said, I will say here that this advice is far far easier to carry out with a 2 year old, than an 18 year old. Teenagers can drive you potty in a way that under 10s can’t get near.

My BIL permanently left home at 18 under similar circumstances after his Dad said if you don't like the rules you can move out today. He's still a messy bugger decades later.

Be careful what you wish for....

The last sentence of your opening post is quite worrying for me.

what is your family life like? It doesn’t sound like you have the support of your husband or his family. If they are blaming ‘parenting’ generally, and not just your one comment which I’m sure you know wasn’t acceptable, then are they aware that he is also the child’s parent?

Then don’t say stupid harmful things!

What makes you think it's a good threat to use?

I've listened to dh talk about how he felt from 16-18 having that particular threat bandied around often and I can tell you it's incredibly fucking damaging. Having doubt cast on whether you'll have a bed to sleep in tomorrow. The low level constant uncertainty and anxiety it causes. The helpless feeling when someone supposed to love you flexes that ultimate power over you.

Dh is generally quite 'mentally robust' if you will and it still affected him badly. For someone with more 'delicate' mental health it could be disastorous.

I'm tearing my hair out with my DD18's room too. She won't let me help. It drives me demented. She has a recent autism diagnosis so we've been going easy on her, but all that has done is put off fixing it and letting the problem grow.

We are much more gentle than you have been. Telling her not to come home or chucking her out of her room is way OTT IMO but we are at the point of refusing her use of my car if she refuses to either do it herself or let me help.

I am quite worried about her going to uni. My plan today is to look up tips for bedroom tidying with ADHD - she doesn't have a diagnosis but the chaos is such that it might help. I'd love any pointers. Honestly we have been working on this since she was 3, it is not for want of trying.

Don't make threats you can't or won't follow through. Not setting and keeping reasonable boundaries is bad parenting. What is your husband (presumably their father) doing to help?

YABU for what you said about them not coming home.

Have you actually gone ahead and swopped their room with their sibling as you said you would? If not, would do that. And (depending on the contract terms) stop paying for the phone and other things

Yes that is shocking!

They may be messy but you saying that is horrible and nasty. If my mum had said that it would be over.

Maybe you're the problem.

I’d refuse to do it and then let them have a friend round let their friend see how bad they are it works wonders in our house. The amount of times I’ve given them all a pile of clean washing and then found it just back in the laundry is ridiculous. I don’t think it’s bad parenting at all but maybe you’ve done too much for them and now they expect a life time service. I have found that threatening just doesn’t work unless it’s something you can follow through on.

Mine all now have to change their own beds once a week, we don’t have a dishwasher and have a ridiculous issue with flies so they have to make sure all plates are cleared and rinsed. They can iron their school shirts but it took some time and patience to show them. We don’t allow food or drinks in bedrooms save for water.

Have you ever taught them to clean properly as I think sometimes we assume they will just know.

ultimately create your own boundaries and stick to them, reclaim your home!

Or you could meet them halfway, say let's sort your room together. Get it all clean and tidy, then tell them they need to keep on top of it.

They could be feeling overwhelmed with how much there is to do.

It’s poor and ineffective parenting.

Never ever threaten something you don’t plan to carry out. Not with a two year old, not with an 18 year old.

It’s a shock tactic…obviously the mum doesn’t literally mean this…but it’s a good threat to use. Maybe I’m wrong but I think the 18 yr old is a girl…let her stew in her filth!

Taking devices away won’t get you what you want.

What you want is a clean house and a good relationship with your child.

Threatening your child and removing tech won’t achieve either of those.

…there is no food or drink up there, so if it’s just dirty clothes & general mess, I would leave them too it.

They will get fed up at some point, and tidy up.

Shut the door, leave them too it.

Washing doesn’t really need doing everyday.

You’re the parent, show some support I’d say. My 19yo bedroom is also a bombsite, exactly as you describe but I supportively help tidy as it just gets overwhelming for him. They’re teenagers, it’s how they live. If it bothers you that much, close the door, you don’t need to live in that room.

‘Be home by 12 today or don’t bother coming back.’ I find that an horrific example of parenting.