18 yr old taking the p**s

Like his grandparents, we have zero tolerance to smokers living in the family home. We have said he can smoke once he owns his own home. His grandparents all feel this way too. It stinks out the house even if they smoke outside as it clings to their clothing, bed linen etc (third hand smoke). Hard line on this. And also other substance abuse...we won't back down.

He also has just recovered from pericarditis in recent months so shouldn't be going near anything which may affect the condition. Smoking can cause more damage whilst recovering from this. He is autistic so we do try our best to put in boundaries for him. It's all done with his best interests at heart.

You have my full sympathies.
No lifts for my 18 year old DS and phone is taken away until it’s done. Every Single Time. It’s Draining 😥

Stop battling the mess. Their mess, they can live in it. Shut the door. Don't nag about washing, if isn't in the wash basket it doesn't get washed. But don't - under any circumstances allow food or drink (other than water) in their room. Good luck.

This is so relatable - DD1 (19) and DD2 (14) share a room, but DD1 considers it, 'her,' room as DD1 is mostly at uni.

The mess is shocking and I've gone from ignoring it completely, to using it as a bargaining tool (yes your boyfriend can come over but please tidy room), the bottom of the barrel method - could you both please bring the plates and trash downstairs, please don't leave wet towels on the floor

After a sit down, DD1 did make a few good points, including that they don't have enough storage, which is reasonable.

I said I was reluctant with any, 'solution,' involving me spending money to resolve, but we've been looking on FB market place for an additional set of drawers, organising the space a bit better.

It's a start...

My son started smoking at uni. None of us are smokers. Rule is he doesn’t smoke in the house. Could you not have just given that rule instead of threatening to throw him out and shouting and tears? 🤷‍♀️

Sounds like a nightmare OP. Her karma will come one day when she has a lazy boyfriend, and at that stage will look back on all this and understand you better!

I completely agree with the last paragraph, and think it highly likely that all those saying how damaging it is to threaten the 18 year old that they won't have a roof over their head, have never had to deal with a kid of this age, being as stroppy as that of the OP.

I also don't agree with all the excuses made about ND etc. Perfectly normal teenagers act out like this too, they live like pigs if you let them. We actually got to the point where my DD was so stroppy that she would choose not to come home, leaving us tearing our hair out with worry, and even calling the police out. In the end, her DF, (we were divorced by this point) said that he would pay for her to have her own bedsit. We all thought that living in a small space would force her to be tidier, etc. Instead, she continued to live like a pig, and it wasn't until she had rats in her room, because she was too lazy to take the rubbish out, that she finally saw the light.

She was raised as most normal children are, but when she became a teenager, a monster moved into her body, and didn't leave until she had a child of her own!

This absolutely gives me vibes of my MIL. The words, the tone, everything. It's exactly the sort of 'lighthearted and amusing' anecdote she recalls about dh as a teen.

Can you even imagine someone coming along and actually flinging all of your most treasured things out of the window? All your 'most precious items', as you put it? The damage, upset, humiliation? Good grief.

You may enjoy recounting this anecdote and think it worked and no harm done in the long run but I would bet my house on it that your children have very different feelings about it - even as adults, even in 20 years time, even if they'd never say it to you. They'll remember.

This sort of behaviour is so so damaging to relationships...the perpetrators never ever see it though.

My only rules were no food in the room & dirty laundry in the basket.

Sometimes when I was hoovering my room I'd offer to do theirs if the floor was clear.

That usually got anything off the floor & lead to a tidy up.

If your husband doesn't agree what's his solution.

Does he ever help them if they are overwhelmed?

That's funny, that's exactly why my parents think/thought that their golden child/scapegoat approach was fantastic. One child turned out great (that is, did everything they wanted, still totally fucked up though), another was a nightmare and the third just ditched the whole thing and drops in and out as he likes (but he's the boy so that's ok). It can't be their parenting, because Golden Child does what they want, so Scapegoat is responsible for all the fuckery!

They sound like many 18 year olds. My daughter’s room was just the same at that age. When it got really bad I set aside a morning at the weekend and went in at 9 to clear it up with her. I always ended up doing most of the work, but I tried to remember that it was me who was bothered by the mess, not her.

Mine have done this & I gave in & decided to take their most precious items & ALL of their clothes & launch them out of their bedrooms windows onto the front garden for all the neighbours to see.. (lucky for me my neighbours know me well enough & had a giggle) it’s amazing how quick the grown up goblins moved then & just the mere threat works now so they keep their rooms clean! 🤷‍♀️🤣 you do need to be assertive or they will run rings all around you!

Bag up the lot, including the dirty laundry, and chuck outside.

When they return, they can go through the bags and retreive any clothes they want to launder themselves.

NO MORE food upstairs. Final warning.

Any more mess and they may be receiving a tent to live in, in your garden.

Oh, and cancel or severly limit the data on their phone.

They need a job.

Why was it even aloud to get to that point in the first place!! I just don't get it.

My DD is a bit messy. But every week I go in and ask her to sort her laundry or it doesn't get washed. I give her a time to get it in the basket by, if its not in there it doesn't go in and she has to do her own. She always does it, granted most of the time with about 5 minutes to spare before the cut off.

She has to empty her bins and clear any packets/rubbish/empty bottles out weekly. If she doesn't there are consequences.

The odd time her room has been a little messier than usual she gets overwhelmed and doesn't know where to start so she procrastinates and needs guidance. I go in with bin bags, and we tackle the task together for a while, and then I leave the rest to her.

Throwing her out of her room and telling her to be back by a certain time or don't come back at all is awful and will achieve absolutely nothing other than pushing her away. Be careful what you wish for.

On this occasion I would get her to come home, tell her you will help her tackle it and give some help and guidance on where to start, but then NEVER let it get this bad again. Learn from the errors made here and stay on top of it.

Most 18 year olds have jobs and are planning their future not this one.

I'd gut their room. Scoop everything up off the floor and into bin bags, rubbish and all. Give them 5 days to sort through the bags for their stuff before it goes out for the bin man.

As for his phone, cancel it. He can get a job if he wants a phone.

He isn't a child. He's 18. He is a grown ass man.

Mine are gone now but I had this.

I didn't go in their rooms. I closed the doors and kept the rest of the house the way I wanted. Every now and then if they were running out of clothes they'd venture out with them for the wash basket, every now and then I'd say I'm sure your bedding is minging get it changed.

They were decent kids, they were just untidy, I drew the line at takeaways in their rooms but now they are living on their own they are miraculously tidy and clean😆

If I'd agonised over it I'd have driven myself crazy.

This is trivial stuff tbh....

DS 18 came back from his holiday with cigarettes even though we have zero tolerance as a family on this. Which he knew and ignored. Massive argument broke out between DS and myself whilst DH at work (his dad). I shouted in anger you're not living here if you continue on this path. You can pack your bags as I am not putting up with this. I was absolutely livid that day. In tears etc. He just wouldn't listen to me. DH suggested he stay a few days at grandparents home until things calmed down. They also had same house rules as us. He learned quickly not to do it again and cause upset. Things are calmer now. He apologised for all the upset he caused.

Yes, not a pleasant thing to say to your offspring but until you've had to deal with similar you can't understand how teenagers affect your mental health by their selfish behaviour.

Your husband's family need to mind their own business and STFUP. You are teaching your son boundaries, responsibilities and consequences. How is that bad parenting? They should be backing you up!

It's awful that you threaten homelessness over a messy room, but I also think it's almost as bad that you have involved the sibling with the room swap. That could lead to resentment (even though it's not the younger one's fault) and could damage the sibling relationship as well. It also creates a lot of drama and upheaval for the whole family just over one messy room.

My ds2 is very messy in his room and it does irritate me, but I can't imagine getting to this stage with it. I cope with nagging, withholding lifts etc until certain tasks are done, letting him deal with the fact that sometime clothes he wants to wear are not clean and refusing to upgrade his room/redecorate etc until he shows he can keep it in a better state. He's decided to live with that last one, which is his choice to make.

@LauraMipsum thank you, it's really kind of you to share all those tips.

It’s going to be tricky now. I assume the room swap is because the older one has a better room? If you hadn’t said don’t come back I would say ok I’m putting gloves on and chucking everything I can pick up tomorrow when I get home from work. You’re destroying my house, so don’t tell me about things that are yours.

I still don’t get the room swap…why would you throw that chaos into the mix?

Sorry but for people saying take devices away.. the "child" is 18? An actual adult? You can't punish an adult in that way! If you pay for their phone, you can insist the direct debit changes to their account. If you pay for the internet, you can turn it off. But you can't confiscate their toys, they're not a toddler!

This is really helpful. My 17 yo DD is waiting for an ADHD assessment. Her room has been a total shit tip from day 1 and you name it I’ve tried it in terms of getting her to keep it in a reasonable state. Not helped by a shopping obsession where because she can’t find stuff she just gets more!

I see it’s pointless getting angry or making threats and will try some of your suggestions