18 yr old taking the p**s

Dizzydoodle · 2025-07-27T10:21:54+00:00

So my child has always been untidy and it really gets me down. I went upto their room and omg, the smell and mess, I was nearly sick. There wasn't a bit of floor you could see. I don't allow food or drink upstairs. I initially gave the weekend to clean/remove all rubbish/tidy the room. This I reluctantly extended to the Tuesday. That passed, so I said you have until the weekend to get it done or you swap rooms with your sibling. Saturday came and is still not done. That was 7 days. Come the move around, they have banged about, sulked, stropped, cried, and still not done it. There is still rubbish. Eventually, a bin bag came downstairs, but still finding rubbish. They tried to leave some for their sibling to do , but it was rubbish and dirty laundry. 🤢 They went to a friends for 2 nights yesterday so I sent a message last night saying to be home by 12 today or not to bother coming back. Not appeared as yet. Husbands family say I'm being unreasonable, and said it's down to bad parenting they're like this.

Givenupshopping · 28/07/2025 19:04

Thanks for the update OP. Looks like a great result! Now you just need to stick with it, which is the hardest bit, because YOU have to do the same amount of hard work as your kids do, in as much as making sure that they continue to keep on top of things, and checking the rooms each day.

GOOD LUCK!

Nearly50omg · 28/07/2025 16:58

Get a shovel and a load of black bin bags. Shovel every single item that’s in the 18 year olds room into black bags and leave outside for him to deal with. Also stop paying for their phone! They are an adult and need to start behaving like one

HelpMeUnpickThis · 28/07/2025 16:32

RosesAndHellebores · 27/07/2025 13:00

Presumably you aren't neuro-diverse. Yes dd is that generation who has had everything done for her. It has helped her be stable and secure and didn't stop her taking a first from Cambridge and becoming a secondary teacher, described by Ofsted as inspirational. Moving schools in September to be SEN departmental lead at a lovely independent school. She was begged to stay at her old school and also has a thriving tutee network.

It was an uphill struggle at times and she was quite unwell from 15 to 17 but has a good career in which she is successful and a lovely boyfriend.

If I hadn't supported her and if I'd ever been so callous as to tell her not to bother to come home, it would have been catastrophic.

BTW I never cleaned at home in the 70s, my room was tidied behind me. I have brought up the children similarly but they are house trained because their lived experience has been a clean and tidy home.

How very dare you imply that families like mine result in a weakened work ethic and flakey young people.

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@RosesAndHellebores How very dare you take my post as a personal attack on your family. Stop projecting.

You dont even know me, or my academic, personal and professional successes, nor of any challenges I have faced and/or overcome.

Nestingbirds · 28/07/2025 13:20

Radioundermypillow · 28/07/2025 07:34

Ha ha.

Theyve just graduated from an excellent uni and are about to start a prestigious internship. They have a lovely boyfriend, a bunch of fantastic friends. They are kind and thoughtful.

She's also struggled with her ADHD and sorting out her room together has been a pleasure. I'm sure knowing she has parents who support her and will help when things get overwhelming has been part of her success.

But I'm a kind and considerate mum who doesn't sweat the small stuff and has never had to threaten to kick my kids out, so atypical for Mumsnet. Therefore maybe some posters, caught up in the hive mind, can't get their heads round it.

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Ha ha 🙄

So how did she survive uni if she can’t even tidy a room herself? Did you drive up and scrub her lavatory? Pick up her towels?

Honestly you are just being played.

Nestingbirds · 28/07/2025 13:10

goldtrap · 28/07/2025 09:16

If his room is a smelly shit hole why should he keep the room. It's only right they swap and give the bigger room to the cleaner child and the messy room to the one who likes to live in a shit hole. The op is doing the right thing being a parent.

But then the bigger room is still a messy shit hole because the OP's instructions were - clean your room: Not cleaned. Clean your room or you will swap rooms: Still not cleaned.

So now they are swapping rooms and the sibling will have to move to the shithole room but....it is still not cleaned. So now sibling is in shithole room. Eh? Why am I in shithole room? What did I do?!

Plus, come back at 12 or you will be kicked out...But the room still isn't clean.

What is the outcome here? Kid kicked out. Other kid in shithole room. Room still shithole. So confusing.

Concentrate on one kid and one shithole room. 'What's going on? Looks like you might need some help. How about we give it a go together and see how we do.'

All the rest is just extra noise and ramps up the drama.

Fast forward another few years if you are needing to ‘assist’ an ADULT to tidy and clean one bedroom then you really do have problems, as suddenly they won’t be able to do it for themselves because you always help.

So you make a rod for your own back.

The underlying message you are also feeding to said adult is that they can’t cope. They can’t manage. They are not capable. Is that really the messaging you want to give a grown adult? Have you considered the consequences and implications for such low expectations?

It’s no wonder this generation is struggling if they are being parented like this!

A polite but direct instruction as you would speak to any other adult, and outline clearly what will happen if action isn’t taken, and follow through. Respectfully but firmly. Just as op as done. They could marry, divorce, vote, live alone, have a full time job and travel the world. Why can’t they simply pick up a towel? Or tidy a single room?

Honestly this thread is NUTS!

Well done op! 💪🏻

Beachtastic · 28/07/2025 12:14

Sounds like a great result OP, well done 🤩🤩🤩

ALPS100 · 28/07/2025 12:12

Good result @Dizzydoodle and great that they have apologised

Just shows how important boundaries are and sticking to fair rules. Kids hate them, fight them - yet thrive on them being stuck to

Original poster

Dizzydoodle · 28/07/2025 12:09

So to clarify the 18yr old had the biggest bedroom in the house. Renovated and decorated to their taste only 3 yrs ago after sharing with a younger sibling. Both younger siblings siblings have much smaller rooms. You couldn't see the floor due to piles of food and drink waste packets/bottles (despite my no food rule), dirty clothes, clean clothes, books, towels and bags.

They arrived home and found all their shit in the smaller room. I made them vacuum and steam the floor of the large room.

1 younger sibling has happily moved into the now clean big room.

18yr has apologised for not doing it when 1st asked and is working through the clothes. Anything that doesn't fit into their extensive storage will be going to the charity shop or bin. I have reiterated the no food or drink rule and said there will be daily checks by myself or my husband. They have said they understand how angry I was when I txt them about coming home and has promised to do better.

I have chronic back pain and severe arthritis, so getting up the extra flight of stairs is excruciating at the best of time, impossible at others

Those who are confused by my use of 'they/them/their' when talking about my child, my child identifies as non binary.

OP posts:

goldtrap · 28/07/2025 09:16

If his room is a smelly shit hole why should he keep the room. It's only right they swap and give the bigger room to the cleaner child and the messy room to the one who likes to live in a shit hole. The op is doing the right thing being a parent.

But then the bigger room is still a messy shit hole because the OP's instructions were - clean your room: Not cleaned. Clean your room or you will swap rooms: Still not cleaned.

So now they are swapping rooms and the sibling will have to move to the shithole room but....it is still not cleaned. So now sibling is in shithole room. Eh? Why am I in shithole room? What did I do?!

Plus, come back at 12 or you will be kicked out...But the room still isn't clean.

What is the outcome here? Kid kicked out. Other kid in shithole room. Room still shithole. So confusing.

Concentrate on one kid and one shithole room. 'What's going on? Looks like you might need some help. How about we give it a go together and see how we do.'

All the rest is just extra noise and ramps up the drama.

BeNavyCrab · 28/07/2025 09:10

LauraMipsum · 27/07/2025 12:45

I'm autistic (and possibly ADHD) and my room as a teen and in my 20s was an absolute state. Now trying to teach DD (AuDHD) some better strategies than I had, which was "wait until the shame overrides the executive dysfunction"

Here are some strategies that I use that are helpful, that you might like to try.

Use a checklist. Mine is to start with all books and clothes on the bed, any rubbish into rubbish bags, then put books on the bookshelf and clothes in the laundry or cupboard. What is left then looks a LOT more manageable. So books, clothes, rubbish, then sort everything else.
Get a doom box for the "everything else" - the odds and sods that don't really belong anywhere else.
Rubbish includes recycling - the climate crisis will not dramatically worsen because you put a loo roll in the rubbish, and what you need is all rubbish in bags, not a two hour session of phone-scrolling because you picked up your phone to google whether or not a particular type of plastic wrap can be recycled.
This sounds counter-intuitive but keep things 'out' or visible. I have four plastic boxes which are labelled and I can see into them. It is far easier to put things into the right visible box than it is to put things into a box that is then itself put in a cupboard, because once something can't be seen, it ceases to exist.
Put music on while tidying.
Try body doubling - personally I don't find it all that effective due to rejection sensitivity (see below) as I tend to feel supervised and criticised, but a body double works wonders for DD.
Look up rejection sensitivity (v common with ASD / ADHD). When my mum said "that room could really use a tidy," what I heard was "you are useless, lazy and revolting," which would make me even less able to deal with the mess. The best remedy for this is to know what it is so that you can recognise that what you are hearing and what is being said aren't always the same thing.
Try GoblinTools "magic to-do" which breaks tasks down into manageable steps.

Good luck.

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I've got an autistic daughter in her early twenties and your advice is perfect. We use very similar strategies and can definitely empathise with the getting sucked into Google while researching recycling. If her room gets out of hand it gets to a point where she's so overwhelmed she can't start by herself. Having a weekly tidy down is more effective, but be aware that stressful times will impact ability to maintain it. Totally agree with keeping things visible, otherwise they fall out of existence.

KittenyChops · 28/07/2025 09:06

God, just going there and cheerfully say ‘ let’s crack on with this together’ and tidy and clean alongside them

but then, I could never have a room in my house that was disgusting so if they can’t clean it themselves, they lose privacy rights as you have to pop in and do it

and piling up punishments doesn’t work either.

you’re doing everything right here to lead to alienation in time however

diddl · 28/07/2025 08:51

I've had to stop all my own housework to manage them.

Why didn't anyone help with that?

Radioundermypillow · 28/07/2025 08:50

And you don’t build resilience by going zero to 60 over messy rooms

Great point - in fact all that does is model your own lack of resilience.

CherryYellowCouch · 28/07/2025 08:43

Nestingbirds · 27/07/2025 21:46

She gave him/her a god dann deadline.

He is an ADULT.

Not a four year old, so offering him the experience of deadlines is NOT child abuse, it is ‘child’ / young adult development’!

For heavens sake no wonder our kids have no resilience when even the most basic of expectations are called ‘damaging’

WTAF

It is a huge insult to actual victims of abuse.

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It’s not the expectation that the room should be tidy that is damaging.

it’s not the deadline to sort it out that is damaging.

It’s the “do this or I’ll throw you out” that is damaging.

We’re not talking about a working 23 year old who has a job and choices.

We’re talking about an unemployed 18 year old just out of education.

And it’s not just damaging to the child, it’s damaging to the OP’s relationship with her child.

No one said the kid shouldn’t have to clean up. No one said the Mum was wrong to be annoyed about it.
And you don’t build resilience by going zero to 60 over messy rooms.

Radioundermypillow · 28/07/2025 07:34

Nestingbirds · 28/07/2025 04:16

I can see why you might do this if your adult child has additional needs or serious mental health problems, but you are doing them a huge disservice if not.

If they can’t even tidy a room how on earth will they ever manage living alone or dealing with life?!

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Ha ha.

Theyve just graduated from an excellent uni and are about to start a prestigious internship. They have a lovely boyfriend, a bunch of fantastic friends. They are kind and thoughtful.

She's also struggled with her ADHD and sorting out her room together has been a pleasure. I'm sure knowing she has parents who support her and will help when things get overwhelming has been part of her success.

But I'm a kind and considerate mum who doesn't sweat the small stuff and has never had to threaten to kick my kids out, so atypical for Mumsnet. Therefore maybe some posters, caught up in the hive mind, can't get their heads round it.

Nestingbirds · 28/07/2025 04:16

Radioundermypillow · 27/07/2025 23:44

This. One of my dcs has adhd and her room gets ridiculous. We do it together because I love her.

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I can see why you might do this if your adult child has additional needs or serious mental health problems, but you are doing them a huge disservice if not.

If they can’t even tidy a room how on earth will they ever manage living alone or dealing with life?!

Radioundermypillow · 27/07/2025 23:44

CherryYellowCouch · 27/07/2025 11:40

If It’s really bad then they might be finding it a bit overwhelming knowing where to start.

it would have been better to go in with them, give some directions and a bit of help to start till they go going.

Threatening your child with homelessness due to a messy room is unacceptable parenting.

This. One of my dcs has adhd and her room gets ridiculous. We do it together because I love her.

Falseknock · 27/07/2025 23:42

BunnyLake · 27/07/2025 18:54

Except she didn’t say that, she said ‘if you’re not here by 12 don’t bother coming back’. Not quite the same as your more reasonable and civilised version.

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What's wrong with that if they don't like house rules then they should go and find somewhere else to live.

Falseknock · 27/07/2025 23:40

HardworkSendHelp · 27/07/2025 22:22

I have read OP’s post and reply’s at no point has she stated her child is ND. Therefore my comment stands a good kick up the arse is what is required.

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Don't read people make excuses for all types of bad behaviour. Even wanker husbands who holds money from their wives the posters always ask is he ND. I've had enough they are giving people with ND bad names.

Falseknock · 27/07/2025 23:37

xSideshowAuntSallyXx · 27/07/2025 14:35

Why are you making them swap rooms? I'd also be pissed if it was obvious favouritism going on.

If his room is a smelly shit hole why should he keep the room. It's only right they swap and give the bigger room to the cleaner child and the messy room to the one who likes to live in a shit hole. The op is doing the right thing being a parent.

HardworkSendHelp · 27/07/2025 22:22

FairKoala · 27/07/2025 12:23

That’s the thing with dealing with people who are ND. Whatever you threaten and action will be taken with a pinch of salt.

You think they will care if you take away Netflix etc
Agree to a NT child with a brain that goes quiet and needs outside input to function it probably is a huge threat

To someone with ADHD who has several programmes, a few bands playing and noise in their head constantly
Netflix etc is just another noise

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I have read OP’s post and reply’s at no point has she stated her child is ND. Therefore my comment stands a good kick up the arse is what is required.

Nestingbirds · 27/07/2025 21:46

BunnyLake · 27/07/2025 18:54

Except she didn’t say that, she said ‘if you’re not here by 12 don’t bother coming back’. Not quite the same as your more reasonable and civilised version.

Show quote history

She gave him/her a god dann deadline.

He is an ADULT.

Not a four year old, so offering him the experience of deadlines is NOT child abuse, it is ‘child’ / young adult development’!

For heavens sake no wonder our kids have no resilience when even the most basic of expectations are called ‘damaging’

WTAF

It is a huge insult to actual victims of abuse.

BunnyLake · 27/07/2025 18:54

Nestingbirds · 27/07/2025 17:02

Op this exact thread was posted last week by another pp and the op was royally bollocked for not being strict enough!!!!!!

It’s a joke.

You have quite rightly said if you can’t respect our house, and the small number of rules we have then please do find yourself another house that will better suit you. There are plenty of places one could suggest.

The infantilising going on this thread is ridiculous. Show him how to fold his pants. Show her very gently how to pick up a towel 🙄🙄🙄
JFC!!!!

Op you are not being remotely reasonable.

Edited

Except she didn’t say that, she said ‘if you’re not here by 12 don’t bother coming back’. Not quite the same as your more reasonable and civilised version.

Givenupshopping · 27/07/2025 18:47

I'm glad to see that you've had a few more people on here who actually understand what you're going through now OP. Please can you clarify, is it a boy smell or a girl smell? Either way, there are lots of tips online for getting rid of the smell of a teenage boy's room, for example:

Ventilation: Open windows to allow fresh air circulation.

Fans: Use fans to circulate air and help reduce moisture buildup.

Baking Soda: Place open containers of baking soda in the room to absorb odors.

Vinegar: Use bowls of vinegar to help neutralize odors.

Clean Surfaces: Regularly dust and clean surfaces, including behind furniture and under the bed.

Remove Clutter: Remove any items that may be contributing to odors, such as dirty laundry or trash.

I appreciate that the last two items on the list may be a bit much to expect, but the baking soda, and the vinegar may help.

Keep your chin up OP, I promise you that at some point in the future you WILL laugh about what you're going through now. I once took a photo of the state of my DD's room, and wave it under her nose occasionally, to remind her what she was like as a teenager!😂

Original poster

Dizzydoodle · 27/07/2025 18:38

AbzMoz · 27/07/2025 16:53

Entirely unacceptable - you don’t run a doss house and they need to show you, DH and your home some respect.

Are they in education or earning? Could they make a contribution to the house (costs, chore rota)? Why are you paying for their devices? He’d be in for a rude awakening if he entered a flat share or started to live with a partner!

In education but applying for jobs. They've had a few interviews but no luck so far on that front. Phone is yrs old so it's airtime only but the tablet was needed for the college course at the time.

We do have a chores list. All 5 of us on it, the younger siblings having more age appropriate tasks.

OP posts: