The Audacity of in-laws

Adding a daughter/son in law to a family is intrinsically challenging. Your average family is full of sometimes challenging people with behaviours their blood relations have often come to ignore. A new in law is thrown right into the unglossed heart of the family, in a way that say a family friend would not be. People don't put the shine on their true selves in front of family. The new in law then experiences all the undesirable behaviour but without the years of family bonds and ties to set it against. So a single phrase from your new husband's brother has the rest of the family rolling their eyes, but you are horrified because you don't know him so well.
If your own mother says something offensive, you'll probably challenge her on it and hash it out. You're less likely to do this with your MIL, so resentment festers.

Then add in the changing relationships with blood family. Your new husband's nuclear family is now you, and he may see his blood family a bit less, as you'll also both spend time visiting your blood family. Chuck a baby in and this is magnified dramatically.

Regarding grandchildren, MILs are likely to be more difficult than FILs I reckon, purely because they are statistically more invested in family and probably see it as a greater part of their identity than FILs. Generally speaking.

So with all that in mind I'm more surprised when people say they adore their MIL. I think that both they and their MIL must be unusually nice people!

Well, your MIL probably thinks it’s pretty audacious of you to bitch and moan about her on a public forum for the whole world to see. It’s certainly not exemplifying “kindness”, the very thing you seem to think she is lacking.

Don't forget that one day you will probably be a MIL.

My MiL was an absolute first class cow. As she was to my husband throughout his life. We met in our early 30s and had our first child at 35 - old enough to want to make a stab at parenting ourselves. Because we wouldn’t abide by her view that babies needed to be managed (only feed/touch every four hours) she made the next seven years left of her life absolute hell. It’d take to long to tell the whole story, and to be honest I try not to dwell on it, but I’ve learnt that life is too short to not recognise everyone as capable but too always help IF asked.

Please respond to her with “….because it couldn’t possibly be me, could it?!”

Probably a combination of things isn't it? Increased stress and a change in dynamic but also I know I became suddenly a lot less tolerant of BS behaviour from family members almost overnight after having DD.
With my in laws, I've had a couple of major rows with them when we previously got on. Essentially because MIL became hyper critical.of me while defending her darling son over totally indefensible behaviour, and praising his Disney parenting to the skies.

It's a power struggle. In a world where women still often don't have power at work and in decision making, the domestic sphere is worth fighting over.

I wish they'd bring back the laughing emoji

I think that if there isn’t a close MIL/DIL relationship to begin with, having babies can definitely challenge the relationship. Eventually kids can have their own relationship with GPs but in the early weeks/months DILs come as part of this package.

I know my MIL was frustrated when I would go upstairs to bf or wanting to take the baby back if they cried. She eventually starting asking for time alone with the baby as she felt she wasn’t bonding properly while I was there. She once walked out of our house with my firstborn and didn’t tell anyone or take her phone, because she was so frustrated at having to share him. (She did come back 20mins later!)

My kids are teens now and looking back on it all I do think her expectations were too high but equally I didn’t always handle it well. I will say though that it was only intense for a few years and once the kids got a bit older we have been able to go back to our distant but polite relationship again.

Loved my in-laws and they loved me.
Sadly they are now both passed. Still miss them.

I get on brilliantly with my DILs. Only one has a baby, our DGS, who we absolutely adore. I don’t offer advice unless it’s asked for, just like my own MIL did with me. My DIL is the most wonderful mother, and I tell her so.

My own mother in law taught me what a mother should be, because my mother is toxic. MIL compliments me on my children, often, although they’re grown men. She is own of my favourite people in the world and I love her dearly.

Well my mil was an arsehole before I married her son so... 🤷🏻‍♀️
If anything she's perhaps mildly improved but i'm coming off a decidedly low base.

There is a tension in the mil / dil relationship in general i think... my mil wants everything centred around her and isnt one of life's givers. She wantsa lot of energy directed at her.
i have 2 children under 3 mine and my dhs energy is directed at

• our kids
• keeping our jobs
• getting some sleep

I think it’s because once a baby is born, the work load of mums become so much more, and the dh life carries on the same.
Resentment builds, dh then becomes and Disney dad infront of his parents and they say ‘wow, he’s so good’ and the resentment builds which is then directed towards the In laws rather than the dh.

I do also think it must be hard to be an inlaw, because you often can’t do the right thing.

I don’t get on with mine, but ensure I never see her - DH sorts out taking the kids for visits etc. I kept up a friendly though cool relationship until 4 years ago when I was diagnosed with cancer and she said nothing, did not offer to help, never did a single thing. That was the straw. But she’s a perfectly nice person just incredibly spoilt, boring, uninterested in DH or grandchildren, talks only about the several annual holidays abroad she takes, never interested in anyone else. As I say, containable until after the cancer thing and then I drew a line - you start to realise life really is too short & time precious.

I think something does change when DIL becomes a mother. What you said about "losing her head" when GC came along is exactly how I described it!! Although both my dm and mil lost their heads.

As a DIL I had freedom, me and DH could go where we wanted at Christmas etc. They didn't care what we were up to really. When I became a mother, I felt I lost that freedom. I was obliged to make visits, she didnt care if it was convenient or even if i was having a nice time.

She needed to know how many days exactly I was with my dm. Then I had to do the same number of days at her house. Became stressful. Probably a time in my life when I needed support and instead I got pressure.

DILS often have a prickly relationship with in laws. Read MN. It isn't just MILS that are disliked but often SILS and Step daughters. There is research that reflects the antagonism some women show to non biologically related family members.Many DILS complain so much on here that it feels MN is full of women haters (older women at that.) It is unhealthy
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2008/nov/30/women-family?CMP=Share_iOSApp_Other
I use the JIlly Cooper quote a lot on these threads.
'All old people are hard work unless they are your old people in which case they are an absolute treasure.'

Some in laws are great some are not, you can’t get on with everyone.

One of my siblings has married someone that none of the family get on with. We all tried for many years but she is intolerable and has just got worse over time, but I guarantee she tells everyone that her in laws are the problem when the truth is they bent over backwards for her for a very long time but were treated like something she trod in on her shoe.

Having a baby can be like throwing a hand grenade into a family system, it can cause so much change and disruption, hence why abusive behaviour from men can often start around this time. This book is really amazing and articulates the dynamics so well https://amzn.eu/d/2bHS4ro

Why do you want general experiences and thoughts?
Is this your lived experience?
Are you asking for advice in your own circumstances?

What you are actually asking for?

I can’t relate with my current set of in laws as mine are literally the nicest people but my ex partner’s mother was so unhinged and vile to me I ended up taking out a restraining order when we split. I could write a book on the savage way I was treated. Nothing to do with me becoming the mother to two of her grandchildren she was just a terrible misunderstood bitter person with alcohol and mental health issues. I actually didn’t want to meet my current in laws for a long time as I was scared it was maybe me.